CHAPTER 22: JJ (Season 6, episode 2)
Character(s): JJ, others (at the end). Bit of Will as well.
A/N: Technically not one word, this title, 'cause it's an abbreviation, I know. But it's a short title, it's what everybody calls her, so hey! Rather lengthy, this chapter, which surprised me a bit, but hopefully it and the POV change both work well.
Any possible spoilers here deal with her departure, basically, and there's the briefest of references to the episode's case as well.
"To leave, after all, was not the same as being left." ― Anita Shreve
"Hey."
Will's hand was soft on my shoulder. "It's almost time for bed, cher. You coming?"
"Yeah." Blinking, trying to come back to the present, glancing at the TV – wow, that movie was still going. When did I stop paying attention to it?
He had such a gentle look in his eyes. Hard not to melt upon seeing it. "Yeah, I'll be in shortly."
Will narrowed his eyes at me for a moment before letting out a sigh, turning in his spot on the couch to face me. "Are you okay, Jayje?"
I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, and tried that old "biting your lip" trick. It doesn't always work, I've noticed.
"…not really." My shaky voice alone certainly gave me away. But I had to be honest.
"I know it's hard, cher. But you'll still see them," he pointed out, running a hand through a few strands of my hair. "They'll visit so much we'll probably be sick of 'em after a while." He tried smiling, tried to get a laugh out of me.
I saw them practically every single day for the last six years. I wasn't even close to being sick of them.
Will tried a different tactic now. "Wasn't it nice being home for dinner the other night with Henry and me?"
"Of course it was." Will flinched a bit at the sudden harshness in my voice, but come on. I never denied that missing out on family moments was a major downside to my job, did I? I was able to hug and kiss Henry and tell him good night for a change. I was able to read a story to him in person, instead of over the phone from some random location.
Will and I had been having a nice evening, too. A glass of wine, a fun movie, curling up in his arms. I'd actually started to feel a little better.
Until this discussion, at least. I appreciated Will trying to be sympathetic to my situation, and knew he genuinely was sorry for how things had turned out. But he didn't exactly hide the fact that he was happy about all the perks my new job would bring, too.
"JJ…"
"Will, please? Can we just not talk about this right now?" No harshness now. Just exhaustion. One more thing to pile onto a week that had been so full of stress already.
Another sigh, more resigned this time. "Fine," he said quietly. "Good night, sweetheart." At that, he promptly stood, placed a kiss atop my head, and headed off to bed. I clicked off the TV and curled up on the couch, closing my eyes as my head rested against the comfortably soft back end of the furniture.
It was around eleven pm, last I'd seen.
What were the others doing right now?
Hotch was probably at the office. Sure, it was Sunday, but Hotch didn't know the meaning of the word "weekend". He'd be busy with paperwork, trying to take on any duties of mine, because lord knows he doesn't have nearly enough to do already. I didn't even bother continuing my attempt to talk him out of the idea last Friday, he'd been so determined.
Why did he have to be so stubborn? It was sweet to hear he didn't want someone else on the team, sure…but it was so obvious this was too much for him. If Strauss insisted on breathing down his neck, might as well keep at it and force him to get a new team member, for his sake, at least.
He'd continue to resist her, though, of course. Way too stubborn. Way too much of a workaholic.
At least for the time being, though, I knew my job would no doubt be in good hands.
Besides, I suspected Morgan was there to help him out. It was almost spooky how similar Morgan and Hotch had become over the years. They'd always both liked taking charge - I'd lost count of how many times they butted heads as they tried to take control of a situation.
But Morgan had stepped up when Hotch truly needed him. He'd slotted into our boss's role so seamlessly, it took very little time for me to get used to answering to him. And yet, he didn't rub it in. He didn't talk down to Hotch. He still wanted and valued his input, as well as the rest of the team's, when it came to making decisions. His strength, his maturity, his ability to lighten the mood with his easy banter…they were all qualities I'd come to love and admire in him over the years.
I couldn't think of a better person to look after everyone from here on out.
xxx
Eleven-fifteen now, the clock says as I squint at it.
I sure as hell know Rossi wouldn't be sleeping. He'd been itching to write lately. No doubt he'd be at home, typing away, coming up with ideas for a new book. If our recent cases were anything to go by, he had no shortage of things to write about.
I'd been incredibly thrilled upon finding out he was going to work with us. Finally, I got to meet the man who'd jumpstarted my interest in this line of work, who'd led me to a career with the FBI. I relished hearing his stories about his "famous author" days, liked being able to see firsthand the spark of inspiration that would lead him to writing new books.
Luckily, though, I'd also come to know him as a funny, gentle, generous man as well. Sharp and witty, honest yet soft. He'd throw parties at his home, took care of the hospital bill when I had Henry. We clashed on occasion on cases, but I knew it was never personal. He stood up for what he believed in, and I always admired that.
I just hoped that the next time I saw him wouldn't be in a bookstore, by way of the jacket photo on his latest book. I couldn't stop mulling over Garcia's concerns about what often happens when people say they'll stay in touch. What if she was right?
Not that she wasn't doing everything in her power to see to it the opposite happened, of course. She'd stopped by every single night for the past week, either to play with Henry, or to sit with me on the couch as we ate ice cream and ranted about Strauss and this insane decision.
oooo
"You and I are the only women who've been there since the very beginning, Jayje!" she'd cried the first night. "I love Emily, of course, you know that, but there are some memories and funny, crazy moments I can only tell her about, that only you and I would truly get!"
I smiled as she said this, thinking back to my memory of us holed up in a room full of computers, her desperately trying to find Prince William's phone number.
"So I'm going to hold you to that whole, 'keeping in touch' thing. Okay?" She pointed a finger at me as she said this, a joking "don't mess with me" look on her face.
oooo
We made plans to make next weekend a "girls' weekend", and crossed our fingers that no unsubs would stand in our way. So far, so good…
Emily had also stopped by one night. It was just the two of us, as Will and Henry had gone out to a movie. We'd found ourselves sitting across from each other at the table in my kitchen, having some tea.
oooo
"Aside from the obvious situation, how are you feeling about next week?" she'd asked.
"I'm nervous." No point in beating around the bush.
"You'll do fine, you know. I meant what I said about you being too good at your job. Strauss wouldn't have picked you, and they wouldn't have hired you, if you weren't up to the task."
"Thanks," I said quietly.
"I remember being so nervous when I first started at the BAU. I didn't think I'd last a week."
"Seriously?" I knew Emily had her insecurities and everything, but she really thought that?
Emily nodded. "You guys helped me through the rough times, though. You always have." She paused. "I hope the people at your new job do the same for you."
"Do you ever miss your old job?"
Maybe it was my imagination, a result of being tired, but I could've sworn Emily fidgeted a bit. "Occasionally. At least, a few of the people, anyway." She gazed at me momentarily before putting a hand over mine. "I know you won't forget us, JJ."
oooo
She'd been right about that. I may not have an eidetic memory, but I've no problem remembering the things that are truly important.
"They can't just take you away."
Oh, Spence. Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to look at me the way Henry did when I'd get ready to leave for work?
It was going to be so weird to not be greeted by that throaty voice rattling off statistics. So weird to present information to a group of people without some random, unusual factoid sneaking in along the way.
Reid had joined Henry and me at the park yesterday. He was fine when interacting with Henry, but when I tried to get him to talk about lighter subjects, he hadn't seemed all that interested. "Already seen it," he'd simply murmured when I mentioned some documentary that had been mentioned on TV recently. We wound up sitting in silence for a while, until I couldn't stand it any longer.
"Spence? Are you okay?" I knew he was upset about the job thing, but that's not what was worrying me at the moment. He looked a little bit pale.
"Yeah." He cast a sideways glance at me, catching my disbelieving look, and sighed. "No. It's – it's just not going to be the same."
"It's going to be okay, Spence. We'll all figure out how to deal with this." I placed a hand on his, hoping it wouldn't tremble the way the rest of me was.
xxx
Eleven-thirty now.
Definitely time to go to bed. Maybe I'd be lucky and get a good night's sleep for a change. Clear my head. It was something to hope for.
The bed immediately felt incredibly relaxing and inviting. I couldn't get comfortable just yet, though – I had to make sure to set my alarm for my new wake-up time first.
Finally, finally I curled up underneath the blankets, only to feel slight movement from the other side of the bed.
Will's hand was on me again, this time running along my stomach, as his arm snaked itself around my waist, his body moving closer to mine. "I'm sorry," he whispered against my ear.
"I'm sorry, too." I replied, softly rubbing his hand.
Day 1:
For the second time that day, Derek Morgan glanced over in the direction of the steps in the bullpen. Why isn't she coming downstairs announcing a case?
And for the second time that day, his brain would send a reminder. Oh. Right.
He frowned as he looked around the room. Everyone was quiet. Subdued. Focused on their work.
She's not dead, guys, for crying out loud. She'd tell all of us we're being silly, that we need to stop moping and smile.
He wanted to stand up and shout that very suggestion to everybody in the room.
He would've, too. If he'd felt like doing so, that is.
oooo
Day 4:
David Rossi tried to talk to Erin Strauss.
The first time, he was nice, pleading, hoping she might reconsider and bring JJ back. She gave him a perfectly calm, reasonable, rational explanation in return as to why it had to be this way. He politely claimed he understood.
The second time, the two of them wound up getting into a furious argument that wound up veering away from the topic of JJ altogether. He still wasn't quite sure how that happened.
The third time, he (stupidly) tried to bribe her. He didn't get very far with that plan.
So instead, Rossi decided it was best for him to just keep an eye on the rest of his team. Let them know he was there if they needed to vent or talk.
oooo
Day 7:
Penelope Garcia stared at the nameplate on the door. Again.
She kept promising herself she'd remove it each day she came to work.
Yet here she was at JJ's office, a week later, and the plate still sat in its usual place. Garcia couldn't help but feel as though she was betraying JJ by taking it down. It made the whole thing so…so final.
But as Morgan had pointed out to her the other day, when he'd stopped into her lair for a chat, it had to be done. And, he reasoned, it was better she be the one to do the job, rather than have the thing be trashed by some janitor or whomever it was that usually came along to remove these things.
Garcia took a deep breath, slowly tugging the nameplate out of its spot. She set it inside her purse, where it'd stay safe until she could return it to her friend.
oooo
Day 14:
A rarity at the BAU today: Spencer Reid couldn't concentrate.
He must've stared at the same page of the file in his hand for the last half hour.
But it wasn't his fault, really. Reid rubbed his stomach, trying to hold in the grimace on his face. That sickness he'd felt on the plane a while back seemed to be coming back again. He hoped he wasn't getting the flu or something. The slight twinges of pain either side of his head wasn't helping much, either.
He was supposed to go see JJ tonight. See how she was doing, visit with his godson. Spend a few hours just talking with her, telling her how much she was missed at work.
Instead, Reid picked up the phone. "Hey, JJ, it's Spence here…I wanted to tell you that I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight. I'm not feeling very well."
oooo
Day 25:
Emily Prentiss was slowly seeing some signs of normalcy creeping back into the team.
Morgan had started to resume some of his usual teasing and banter with her. He and Garcia had also slipped back into their flirty back and forth a little more often. Garcia also had started to talk about things other than JJ when Emily would stop in her office for a visit, or when the two of them left work at the end of the day. They'd even managed to go out for drinks or other fun plans within the last week and a half.
Rossi was his usual smartass self. She'd heard Reid spout a statistic or fact or two, saw him throwing himself into their newest cases. He'd still seemed a little unfocused at times, but it would often pass quickly. She'd vowed to keep an eye on him nonetheless.
And Hotch saw to it that everything was business as usual. Everyone had been able to talk to and check in on JJ, and while she didn't seem overly thrilled about her new job, she was managing, and was happy for the extra time with her family. Emily would keep an eye on her, too.
As long as things were starting to look up for everyone overall, that was all that mattered to her.
oooo
Day 30:
Aaron Hotchner gritted his teeth as he shuffled the applications, following Strauss' ever persistent orders to look for JJ's replacement. He could see why Strauss was so persistent - on paper, at least, it seemed there were many people who were very qualified for her job.
Then he'd interview some of them.
He had yet to find someone whom he could picture staying with a grieving, worried couple for hours on end, trying to calm them down and keep them from turning on each other.
He had yet to find someone who would prefer to be modest and focus on the fact that a family was reunited, instead of take the glory for finding a clue within a photo that would lead to a young woman's safe return. Who, when standing in front of a camera or talking to the press, would simply deliver pertinent information, instead of use the exposure for their own fifteen minutes of fame.
No sign yet of a person who could handle the long hours, or being away from home, either, while admirably managing to balance all of that with a family. And he could already tell just by looking who would be most likely to faint dead away the moment they saw a gruesome photo or active crime scene for the first time.
"Replacement". Hotch hated that word. He'd already had to deal with enough "replacement" in the team in recent years. It never got any easier, dealing with people leaving. At least Elle and Gideon left of their own choosing, though (well, Elle's was a bit debatable on that point, but still…). And luckily, the newer members had fit in wonderfully so far.
But how long would that luck last? So far none of those people he'd interviewed looked like they were willing to truly be part of a team. Given how long JJ had been with the others compared to Gideon and Elle, that made trying to find someone to fill her shoes that much more difficult.
Hotch had found himself a bit surprised by the emotion in his voice when he told JJ he'd miss her. He wasn't embarrassed, though. Why should he be embarrassed for being honest? They weren't just losing a team member, after all.
He continued to go through the applications, watching them pile up in his bottom drawer.
"This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or I don't want to walk around angry. Or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept, things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go." – JJ
I can't think of any better end quote than hers for this one, frankly. She pretty much says it all, for herself and for the team. As always, I welcome reviews/critiques/etc.