CHAPTER 30: Mayhem (Season 4, episode 1)
Character(s): All
A/N: Spoilers for a character death within the episode, otherwise, if there are any other spoilers, they're very minor.
"Trust is a skill learned over time so that, like a well-trained athlete, one makes the right moves, usually without much reflection." - Robert C. Solomon
Emily had been taught it wasn't polite to stare.
Today, however, she couldn't help her intense focus. Her gaze had been fixed on her friend Garcia ever since the team members (save for Morgan and Hotch) had boarded the jet to return home from New York. The normally colorful, bubbly woman now looked much more subdued, a distinct contrast to how positively giddy she'd been acting at the beginning of this case, getting to join her friends and all. Seeing Penelope Garcia in a mood anywhere below the "cheerful" level never ceased to be worrisome, and as Emily noticed the haunted look in her friend's eyes, she could hazard a guess as to what, and whom, Garcia was thinking about.
Boom. Garcia hadn't even heard the explosion on the footage of Hotch that she'd watched, as there was no audio accompaniment. Yet as her mind replayed the images over and over in her mind – Hotch walking, a sudden, blinding flash, Hotch flying backwards, like a rag doll tossed aside – it also kept wanting to add in the sound effects. The shattering of the windows as the bomb went off. The relentless wail of the car alarm. The crunch of Hotch's (and Kate's) bodies as they landed on hard cement. No matter how much she tried, Garcia could not get the sounds she'd created, or the terrible pictures, out of her head. As horrifying as it was to witness the attack itself, the buildup had seemed almost worse.
She remembered the heavy, damp sweat on the palms of her hands, the increasing churning of her stomach, as she'd watched the footage shortly after hearing of the explosion. She knew, thanks to Rossi, that an SUV was involved, and that meant one of her friends was likely in danger as a result. She had to watch the footage, both for necessity's sake as well as her own reassurances (it's not one of them, it's somebody else, it's a mistake, they weren't anywhere near the car…).
Once her worst fears were confirmed upon seeing Hotch in the frame, all she could do was sit there helplessly, steeling herself for the exact moment of terror she knew was coming, all the while anxiously wondering exactly how it would play out anyway. The footage wasn't live, yet she felt a strong urge to yell a warning at the screen anyway. Like a horror movie come to life.
"Garcia? You okay?" JJ asked, breaking the silence as she turned to face her friend, squeezing her hand gently. Garcia blinked and jumped slightly at the touch, her eyes drifting down to her and JJ's clasped hands.
"Yeah. I'm fine. I'm…totally fine," Garcia replied, her voice shaky, distant, small. She turned to look at her friends, and her shoulders slumped as she admitted defeat. "No. No, I'm not. This trip sucked."
Emily let out a hollow laugh. "There's the understatement of the year, right there."
"I know, I know, you guys see a lot more of the creepy stuff than I do, 'cause you're out there in the field and everything, and I'll think, wow, I'm lucky that I get to be safe in my room of computers. I can shut off the images if they bother me too much after a while." Or try to, anyway. Garcia let out a deep breath then, taking a moment to try and control her rising anger.
"But then I see Hotch nearly get blown up, or hear Morgan saying what I think will be his last words ever to me, or see innocent people gunned down before my eyes, and I just…" She looked down at the table, blinking as her eyes began to well up. "I want to quit."
JJ and Emily looked at each other, a note of understanding in their eyes. "We all feel that way some days, Garcia," JJ assured her. "There's nothing wrong with that."
"But I don't want to quit!" Garcia insisted. "I want to get away from all these images, yes. I don't want to be reminded all these bad people are out there." Her hands flailed as she ranted, before she settled them back on the table. "But I feel like if I do that, I'm letting the innocent people down. Like I'm not helping them the way I should."
"There's only so much we can do for people sometimes, Garcia," Emily pointed out. "Hotch tried to do everything in his power to help Kate, and unfortunately he couldn't save her. It sucks. You're right about that. But it's a fact we have to remind ourselves of sometimes."
"Right. And at some point, we have to look after ourselves, too. Physically and mentally," JJ added. "We won't be able to help people at all if we let this stuff overwhelm us."
Garcia let out a frustrated sigh. "I just feel so stupid for getting so excited about being on this trip now." She folded her arms. "I was in awe about the jet and traveling with you guys, all while there was more important, dangerous stuff going on."
"You didn't know it was going to escalate like this, Garcia," JJ pointed out. "Nobody did. It's okay." She squeezed Garcia's hand once again. "I for one am glad you came along."
"Me, too," Emily added, flashing her brightest grin.
Garcia threw her friends a small smile in response. "Thanks."
"Besides, if nothing else, it'd save us all some awkwardness whenever you and Morgan started in with your flirting," JJ chuckled as she continued.
"That's for sure!" Emily laughed. "Though I can only imagine how much worse you and Morgan would be if you joined us on every case." She only laughed harder upon seeing Garcia's face turn stony.
"Ohhhh, I guarantee you nothing will be happening on that front anytime soon." Garcia turned her nose up as she let out a sniff, her lips forming a pout.
"Still mad at him, huh?" JJ asked wryly.
Garcia whipped her head around to gape at JJ. "Wouldn't you be? He scared the crap out of me!"
"Oh, what he did was crazy, no doubt about that," JJ quickly noted.
"But it's just so…Morgan," Emily pointed out. "I dunno, I guess I'm just not that surprised." She shrugged.
Garcia shook her head in disbelief. "What is it with men and their stupid macho bravado, anyway?" she fumed.
"They like to take charge and show how tough they are," Emily replied, rolling her eyes. "That's especially true of Morgan. I won't argue that it can definitely be annoying, though. You should've seen the way the officers were responding to Kate bossing them around."
"It really was ridiculous." JJ's voice held a hint of irritation as she shook her head. "Speaking of those officers, though…" She then turned to narrow her eyes at Emily, a sly smile beginning to play at the corners of her mouth. "What was the deal between you and that Cooper guy, anyway?"
"Nothing," Emily said pointedly.
"Didn't look like nothing," JJ continued teasingly. "He was totally flirting with you."
Garcia's eyes widened in curiosity at this information. She eagerly leaned in ever so slightly, head ducked down a little, as though this was now a top secret conversation.
Emily sighed. "Okay, yes, he was kind of flirty –"
"Kind of?" JJ raised her eyebrows.
"- but he's married," Emily finished up, looking sternly at JJ. "Happily so, too." She shifted under JJ's intense gaze. "What?" she asked after a moment, exasperated.
"You went to see him in the hospital," JJ noted. Garcia's face lit up at this news, and Emily internally groaned. Thanks, JJ.
"Because he'd been injured in the line of duty. I wanted to see how he was." She started picking at some imaginary lint on her slacks, half-shrugging. "That's all."
"Okay." One law enforcement official checking in on another. Fine. JJ accepted that. "But there was flirting."
"He flirted with me. I did not flirt with him," Emily corrected her friend. At least, I don't think I did. Not intentionally… "Besides, even if he were single, I'm not looking to date anyone right now."
"Nobody at all?" JJ asked disbelievingly. "There isn't someone you're even a little interested in?"
"You know how tough a relationship is with this job, JJ…" Emily began.
"Will and I are doing okay," JJ argued.
"So are me and Kevin," Garcia added on.
Emily looked at the two women thoughtfully. "That's true. Of course, you've also got a baby on the way, JJ, so – "
JJ threw her a warning look as Garcia's jaw dropped.
"…you hadn't told her yet?" Emily asked incredulously, pointing in Garcia's direction.
"No." She looked back and forth between the two women guiltily. "Since I told Hotch, Reid, and Emily all at once, I wanted to wait until I got a chance to tell you, Morgan, and Rossi together as well," JJ explained, looking at a still speechless Garcia. Emily's mouth made an "o" shape before she winced, mouthing, "sorry".
"…you're having a baby?" Garcia finally spoke. "See, this is another reason I don't want to be behind my computers all day! I miss out on stuff like this!"
"I'm so sorry, Garcia, I – " JJ began, but she was quickly cut off.
"Oh, don't worry about it, Jayje, this news has lifted my mood considerably. Now, do you need me to help you with anything? Painting the nursery? Picking out clothes? Room themes? Ooooh!" Her eyes lit up as a new idea crossed her mind. "I think we still have some baby decorations from when I and my brothers were kids! We can look through them and see if there's anything that would work…"
Emily chuckled at the deer-in the-headlights look on JJ's face as Garcia continued throwing suggestions out every which way. Choosing to tune out that conversation, she leaned back in her seat and stared out the plane window, her thoughts drifting back to the earlier discussion about Cooper.
She didn't care what JJ insisted or believed. Emily was telling the truth. Even if she had a totally different type of job, Emily still barely seemed to have enough time to focus on her own life nowadays. No way would she have the patience to deal with someone else's, especially in such an intimate manner.
Oh, Cooper was attractive, sure. She couldn't deny that. The shy smile, the slightly mischievous, twinkly eyes, the wavy hair…and he certainly knew how to flatter a woman. But ultimately, Emily was more than happy to just look at the attractive men out there, and leave it at that.
No, what Cooper did do for her was much more important. He gave her confidence. The dismissive attitude many of the police officers showed both her and Kate on this case was nothing new, of course. Most of the time, Emily, JJ, and Garcia took the snide remarks in stride, and her male teammates did well to respect her and other females they worked with.
Still, there were moments when she'd seen how the lack of respect affected JJ and Garcia's work and feelings, and noticed how it'd affected her own abilities. To say nothing of how such behavior irritated the guys. This last case had been one of those times. The team had already been rattled enough with all the danger thrown their way, and the snarky remarks were only adding to the frustration.
Thankfully, it was obvious Cooper didn't fully share his fellow officers' skeptical views, despite stating otherwise at first. That he'd, as she noted at one point, "respected the chain of command". Deep down, he seemed to have a little more trust in what she and her fellow FBI agents were doing, held some genuine curiosity. He'd been more willing to help out and listen. Emily got to flex her analytical muscles around him, got to show him just how worthwhile her line of work truly was, and damn, did that feel good. She wasn't looking for validation, really. Just…sometimes she needed a reminder of why she wanted to do this job for a living.
Emily glanced back at JJ, now leaning back in her seat and appearing very overwhelmed, and Garcia, who was still yapping away.
Good thing they don't know about the tickets I gave him.
At the other end of the plane, Reid's nose was buried in a book, his finger making its usual rapid trail across the pages. He looked up, though, upon seeing Rossi pulling out a pad of paper and a pen.
"What are you writing?" he asked, thrusting his chin towards the paper.
"Putting down some suggestions of cases to talk about," Rossi answered, his focus remaining on his task.
"Are you going to write another book?" Reid asked, resting his book on the table and leaning over to get a better look.
"Possibly," Rossi murmured as he pulled away from Reid's intense scrutiny. "We'll see how it goes. I might also use this stuff as teaching material for lectures."
"Oh." Reid resumed his normal seated position, returning to his reading.
After a few minutes, Rossi set his pen down, a thoughtful look on his face. "If I were to use this stuff as a teaching tool," he began, waiting until Reid pulled his eyes away from his book, "would you be interested in helping me out?"
Reid blinked in surprise. "Me?"
"Hotch said you've done some guest lecturing before?"
"Yes," Reid said hesitantly. "My lectures were about linguistics, though."
"That can still be helpful," Rossi said.
Reid was thoughtful for a moment. "Not that I don't appreciate the offer, Rossi, but…why me? I mean, you're the expert on this topic."
"You've read my books and studied the cases I covered. You have a frighteningly large amount of information and facts stored up here," He pointed at the side of Reid's forehead. "that could be useful. And…" Rossi folded his hands, his gaze focused on Reid. "you did a good job on this case. You were focused, you stayed calm under pressure, you helped figure out the terrorism angle. I'm impressed."
Reid looked down modestly. "Thanks," he replied. "You did good work, too."
Rossi waved a hand dismissively as he turned back to his notepad. "Just another day for me. I could do this in my sleep." He halted before resuming his writing. "So? Are you interested?"
He watched as Reid briefly considered the idea. "Okay," Reid said. "I'm in."
"Great." He watched as Reid returned to the heavy book he was reading. "Thick," he remarked.
Reid tilted the book up, examining the amount of pages. "Yeah, it is," he agreed. "It's fascinating, though." Rossi saw the now familiar excitement beginning to appear in Reid's eyes. He was about to open his mouth at that point, but Reid beat him to it, off and running on another one of his rambling speeches. "It's about the history of medieval Europe, more specifically, the history of Latin and other various languages of that time, and…"
Rossi sighed as he briefly looked at his notepad before quietly slipping it back into his bag. Settling back in his seat, he snuck occasional glances out the window as Reid continued his explanation.
"Uh-huh…" A quick nod of the head.
"Hm…" Rossi rested his chin in his hand. "That's amazing…"
The tension was thick and heavy in the car, a fact which was not lost on the two men inside. Hotch sat in the passenger seat, Morgan in the driver's seat. One or two-word conversations were occasionally passed back and forth. Neither man looked at each other much.
One of Hotch's hands flew to his ear and he winced as the droning noise started up again. He turned most of his upper body towards the car window, his elbow resting on the door.
He tried to focus his attention on the famous landmarks and buildings that passed him by as the car made its way through the city, and later, the attractive landscapes of the various towns they passed through on their way back to Quantico.
He thought of Jack. Of his home. Hotch had barely managed a proper night's sleep the last few days, and he could practically hear his soft, comfortable bed calling to him.
He wondered what his teammates were doing on the plane right now. Worrying, curious as to how they were coping with the stress of the recent case.
He even tried to think of Haley. Good thoughts, too, though he was also nervous about her reaction to his injuries. Jack would see them as scary, but just another sign of how strong his dad was. Haley, on the other hand…he could hear the ranting now.
The images of Haley soon morphed into images of Kate, however. Which led him back to the last memories he had of her - lying on the pavement, bloodied and injured. That led him back to the memory of the explosion, and…
The footage of the SUV bombing was perhaps the most surreal thing Hotch had ever seen. He was fine one minute. Kate was fine one minute. They were talking about the case, as well as a few lighter topics, while the car sat innocently by the side of the road. It all looked completely normal.
The next thing he knew, there was a blinding flash of light, and they were violently flying backwards. Hotch suddenly had trouble hearing, and the vibrant, commanding Kate that he knew was now dead.
Hotch closed his eyes at the last memory, his heart as heavy as it had been when he'd entered Kate's hospital room and saw the floor covered in blood. He knew then, he just knew…but he didn't want to believe it, until the surgeon said those five dreaded words. "We did all we could."
"You can't lose her," he'd wanted to say. "She has a job she needs to do…she's too young…" Too good.
She'd been counting on him to save her. She was the one in pain, the one dying, and yet she remained calm, telling him what to do, while he just sat there, panicking and feeling helpless, doing nothing more than shouting for help. He remembered the relief in her voice when he was driving her to the hospital, her soft, appreciative "Thank you" to the man working on her.
She didn't know. She had no clue at all.
"Don't thank me. Thank your partner, he did it all."
A chill ran through Hotch at those words from the EMT. One of the unsubs.
It's all my fault. I should've known that guy who checked up on us, or that paramedic, weren't to be trusted. I'm a profiler, damnit, I've seen the "overly helpful" unsub many times. I left Kate in the hands of murderers, and why? Because I let myself get distracted by stupid, petty things.
No wonder Morgan doesn't trust me.
He chanced a quick look over at his teammate. His hands firm on the wheel, Morgan looked the picture of total calm. Given the circumstances of the last couple days, though, Hotch knew that Morgan's mind told a whole different story.
What does he mean, I "don't fully trust people"?
Morgan felt his blood start to boil every time he asked himself that question. I trust these guys! I love these guys! I just needed to get the bomb out of there in time. That's all.
Yet Garcia's words continued to echo over and over in his mind. "Why does it always have to be you? Why do you always have to do this?"
Morgan loved Garcia, God knows he did. But she was talking silly on this one. He didn't "always" do this. Did he?
Well, there was the bomb under that lady's car during the case in Seattle. I got tased when we had that unsub who was obsessed with twin sisters. Then there was the time I was in the shipping container with the Nadir family, and the time I investigated that chemical weapons compound that blew up…
Okay. So she does have a point. But I suppose I'm just used to being right in there. I want to get the job done. It doesn't mean I don't trust other people, though. Everyone else did good work on this case, after all. Hotch, too. Even if he did seem distracted.
Morgan froze at that last thought.
Then again, who could blame him? Morgan felt a knot in his stomach as he considered some of his behavior as of late. Who was he to be criticizing Hotch? He'd allowed this…thing…with his boss, his teammate, his friend, to distract him, after all. He'd let his temper get the better of him. Again. He was just as guilty.
Morgan snuck a sideways glance at Hotch, and the knot tightened even further as he saw the other man briefly squeeze his eyes shut, his right hand tenderly touching his ear. He waited until Hotch seemed to settle down a little, sat up straighter once again.
"I'm sorry about Kate," he said simply, calmly.
Hotch shot Morgan a quick, slightly surprised look, giving a small nod in his direction. As he did so, he silently hoped that would be the last time someone from his team mentioned her. He'd already been embarrassed enough at the realization that his team had caught on to his perhaps not-so-professional interest in Kate. Plus, as strange, and perhaps as selfish, as it sounded, they hadn't known her like he did. Hotch preferred to mourn her in private.
"I meant what I said back in New York," he said a few moments later as he stared out the windshield. "You were brave. A lot of people are safe thanks to you." One more glance in Morgan's direction then.
Morgan shrugged. "It was nothing, Hotch." Slowing for a red light, he turned to face his boss. "But thanks." He waited a moment, wondering if Hotch would comment on the other notable part of that conversation in New York. Instead, Hotch returned his gaze to the window as the streetlight turned green and the car moved forward.
As the two men continued driving to Quantico, Hotch tried to figure out how to prepare himself for his now inevitable meeting with Strauss.
Morgan, meanwhile, tried to figure out ways to avoid Garcia and her wrath for the foreseeable future.
"Our distrust is very expensive." - Ralph Waldo Emerson