CHAPTER 31: Memoriam (Season 4, episode 7)

Character(s): Reid, Rossi, JJ, Diana

A/N: First and foremost, you guys are beyond awesome. I cannot even begin to properly express how much I greatly appreciate your incredibly kind thoughts, reviews, discussion, and support. All of it makes me smile and puts me in a wonderful mood every time. Thank you all so, so very much.

Second, again, a shoutout to little purple butterflies here – our shared love of and incessant discussion about this episode helped greatly in the creation of it. Thank you for your inspiration and your endless patience in waiting for this chapter. I hope this fits well with whatever you had in mind! And another shoutout to FirefliesFlash for looking at part of this chapter as well and sharing your thoughts.

As always, a few spoilers scattered about here and there. References to statements and situations from the episodes "The Instincts", "Catching Out", and "Gatekeeper" as well, along with mention of brief moments from the episodes "The Popular Kids" and "The Fox".

All right! And now (finally) on with the story!

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." - Author Unknown

Reid's ears were ringing. The door to the hospital nursery may have been closed, but clearly the room was not very well soundproofed, if the current noise inside was anything to go by.

He was absolutely amazed at the sheer lung power a baby could have. Reid had remembered reading somewhere once that a baby's cries could be on the same decibel level as that of a symphony concert or a car horn, and the very idea threw him. He'd listened to a favorite symphony afterward, tapped the car horn a couple times during a rare moment behind the wheel on a case (much to his teammates' irritation), in an attempt to gauge the noise level of both things.

Reid found himself questioning the accuracy of that comparison at this moment, however, for it seemed some of the infants were going well above and beyond those noise levels. He'd even heard tell of one baby that had to be taken out of the nursery and placed in the hallway at one point, it had apparently screamed so loudly. Did I sound that bad after I was born?

As he stood at the window to the nursery, hands in his pockets, Reid found himself greatly admiring the deep, seemingly endless patience of the nurse currently wandering about and tending to the fussier babies. The small racket faded into background noise as he followed the nurse's movements towards one particular baby laying almost smack dab in the middle of the room. The baby was one of very few who was sound asleep at the moment, stirring only slightly from time to time. He was wrapped in a soft blue blanket, which was currently being tucked more tightly around him. His little face was the picture of complete calm and contentment.

Henry Jareau-LaMontange. My godson.

The very title still sounded so strange to Reid. Godson. Godfather. I am Henry's godfather.

He knew the terms had their origins in Christianity. The godparent was to be a "sponsor" for the newborn, observing the child's welcome into the family's faith during its baptism and helping to aid in their spiritual development. Reid may not have had much of a religious upbringing (he'd never even attended Sunday school), but he would gladly support Henry's search for faith, if any. He did have a strong familiarity with the Bible, after all, having seen it as another in the many old-fashioned works of literature that caught his interest. Its stories had captivated him, with the battles between good and evil, the complex people, the various interpretations of text, the lessons learned from the parables within.

The very things that had interested him in the good book had eventually proven to serve him quite well in his line of work as well. Reid had saved himself, and others, during a couple rather notable cases thanks to his deep knowledge of Scripture. He'd proven that religion could be used for beneficial purposes, too.

She hadn't mentioned it, but Reid supposed that was another reason why JJ had picked him to be the godfather of her child. It was the one that made the most logical sense to him, anyway. He'd been incredibly flattered and deeply touched by her gesture, and still felt that way now. JJ was one of his closest, dearest friends, after all, and he wanted to make her happy and show his gratitude.

But the idea was just so…overwhelming. He'd wanted to simply enjoy the moment when holding Henry for the first time earlier, had tried so hard to do so. As always, though, his brain had refused to stay quiet. Every single plausible "what if?" scenario ran through his mind.

What if Henry doesn't get on well with me? The "Reid effect" may have been a running joke amongst the team, but it had started for a reason, after all.

JJ had long known about Reid's hesitation at the thought of being a father someday, and why the idea had concerned him so. Just because Henry wasn't his child didn't mean those worries were any less important. What if my worst fears do come true, and Henry has to witness them? There was also JJ's statement about the possibility of something happening to her or Will…

No. He refused to even think of going down that road.

He wasn't even going to get into his addiction, either. He'd had to work hard for his clean status within the past year, yet he knew that this would be an issue that would flare up from time to time throughout his life. What if Henry found out? How would he explain it?

ooo

JJ had noticed the uncertain look on Reid's face, could practically see the wheels turning in his head, during their moment together in her room, and tried to bring him back to Earth. "Spence?"

Reid returned Henry to her then, coming to stand next to her bed. He shifted uneasily. "JJ, please don't get me wrong, I'm very honored. And I graciously accept your offer." He glanced down at Henry before his eyes flickered over to JJ's, fixing his gaze onto hers. "I just…I don't want to let you and Will down. I don't want to let Henry down."

JJ sighed as she settled into a more comfortable resting position. "You want to know why I picked you?"

Reid raised his eyebrows questioningly, silently urging her on.

"You see the good in everybody, and will do anything you can to help them. You're very protective of and attentive towards others. Like your mom – it takes an incredibly responsible, mature person to look after somebody the way you did her. I admire what you did for her." She looked directly at Reid then. His eyes went wide and his face reddened slightly at her open admission and praise.

"You care about people, Spence, and always go the extra mile to show it." She gazed down at her son. "That's why I picked you. I want Henry to have that kind of influence in his life."

Reid stood silent for a moment as he took in all that JJ had just said. The nerves hadn't lessened any, but at that moment, he didn't seem to mind.

"…Thanks, JJ," was all he eventually managed to murmur.

"Anytime," JJ softly replied. "And while we're on the subject, I've been meaning to thank you for all your help these past nine months. I'd say Henry certainly owes some of his comfort and good health to you."

"Anytime," Reid echoed, the smile on his face deepening ever so slightly. Indeed, while he'd loved being able to study a new subject in depth as it was, the fact that it was beneficial to a friend of his just made his studies all the more worth it. Almost to the point where he was a bit sorry to not have been able to put some aspects of his newfound knowledge to actual use. Maybe someday.

And yet, there were other, more personal reasons behind his interest in these topics, too. Strange, unusual dreams about children and babies had followed Reid for most of his life, it'd seemed. He'd once told Gideon about a nightmare he'd had involving a baby in the middle of a room that he desperately tried to save, only for him to continuously fail in the process. Then there were the recurring dreams about Riley Jenkins, and his recent dream about JJ's baby.

Reid had told Morgan he didn't believe in dream analysis, but now? He had to acknowledge the idea that having that many dreams about such similar situations was a rather odd coincidence. Maybe his mind was trying to tell him…something…about this issue?

Or perhaps it was far less complex than that. It wouldn't be the first time he'd overanalyzed a situation, after all. As recent events with his dad had shown, Reid still had some very strong unresolved issues about him. Maybe the babies in those dreams were meant to be him, trying to deal with his frustrations and fears of being abandoned. Maybe the dreams had simply been more variations on the whole thing with Riley.

Or maybe they just represented the mere, obvious fact that he was the youngest member of the team. Who knew? Any theory seemed equally plausible and ludicrous.

ooo

Reid shook his head slightly, trying to shake all the recent memories and discussions and analyses out of his mind. Any more time with such deep thoughts and he was liable to get a headache! The nurse happened to catch his eye then, smiling gently at him. He returned the smile before resuming his focus on Henry, willing his brain to finally relax for a while.

What was it he'd said when Haley had come by the workplace with Jack shortly after he was born?

"He's so gorgeous." Garcia had cooed as she looked at the sleeping baby in Hotch's arms.

"If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive…" Reid muttered, before feeling Garcia's hand tap him in the chest as she threw him a look.

Reid had to admit, he was feeling the urge to admonish his younger self at that moment, too. Indeed, Henry looked so innocent, so…well, cute. He's so tiny… Reid took in his small eyelids, his little nose, the one petite hand sticking out from under the blanket, fingers all curled in, marveling at all the delicate features. He looked almost like a doll when I held him. He'd been so unnerved the day JJ had him feel Henry kicking and moving about in her stomach, and now here he was here in the flesh, and Reid found himself looking forward to all the things he could teach Henry, all the games they could play, all the stories they could read…

Maybe there was something to his dreams after all.

As Reid watched Henry, another person stood a ways back watching Reid.

Rossi smiled softly, tears springing to his eyes, as he observed the young genius in front of the nursery. The look on Reid's face was similar to the one Rossi knew he must've had when he'd gotten to see his son for the very first time. Despite the fact that he was shortly thereafter permanently robbed of his child, Rossi had always treasured the brief moment of happiness he'd felt in being able to see this life he'd helped create, and which his wife had brought into the world. All he saw when he looked at James, or thought of him, was a beautiful boy with his father's hair and fighting spirit.

He never forgot that feeling of awe, and it touched him to see Reid experiencing that feeling himself, to see the genuine curiosity and happiness on Reid's face. If this was how Reid reacted around his godson, Rossi could only imagine what he'd be like as a father.

Quickly wiping his eyes with the palm of his hand, Rossi picked up the cups of coffee that had been sitting on a small table, walking over to join Reid.

"Hey," he said quietly. Reid looked slightly startled as he was snapped out of his reverie, but recovered, taking a coffee from Rossi and nodding his thanks. The two men glanced back at Henry.

"I can't stop staring at him," Reid murmured.

"So I've noticed."

Reid eyed Rossi then. "You've been watching me?"

"Only for the last minute or so. I just happened to notice you when returning with these." He held his drink up.

"Oh."

The men lapsed into silence for a couple of minutes before Rossi spoke up again. "So," he began cautiously. "how are you?"

Another glance in Rossi's direction. "I'm fine, why do you ask?" Reid responded, furrowing his brow, eyes briefly darting to the side. Rossi said nothing, instead simply choosing to give Reid a meaningful look. Realization quickly dawned on Reid then.

"The truth?" Rossi nodded. "I don't know," he admitted. "I mean, I'm glad I've got the answers to my dream, to the whole thing with Riley, but…"

"But that still doesn't explain away everything with your dad," Rossi noted matter-of-factly.

Reid shook his head. "I know he wanted to protect my mom. And me. I get that. And I suppose, on some level, I appreciate that." I could've lost my mom much sooner otherwise.

He blinked, staring down at the floor. "But I just can't understand how he thought we'd be better off on our own. Why he didn't come back. Why he wasn't the one to…to put my mom away instead," Rossi noticed Reid's voice drop at that moment as the words rushed out, "and take me with him. He said he didn't know how to take care of me…of us…anymore." He paused then, looking up at Rossi. "Do you believe that's true?"

Rossi didn't know how to answer that one, for he couldn't quite understand that entire situation, either. He'd known early on, the more they learned about William, that the man was not evil, was not even close to the monstrous criminal Reid had feared he was. From the information they did learn about William, there were aspects of him that Rossi even respected and related to. They were both workaholics, lived alone, were well-read. William was a little more frugal than Rossi, it seemed, but still, Rossi did respect a man who was wise with his money. And he was pleasantly surprised to learn that William had been keeping up to date on his son and his achievements.

Still, the idea of a man just up and leaving a ten year old boy and his mentally unstable mother behind, not even trying to keep in contact afterward, did not sit right with Rossi. If Carolyn had been in the same state as Diana, if James had survived to be a little boy, Rossi couldn't even think of doing such a thing to them. He'd wondered more than once if William had helped take care of the bills from a distance. He hoped he had, but given the snippets of stories he'd heard about what Reid did have to do for his mom, Rossi sadly suspected the answer wasn't as positive as he'd wanted it to be.

Rossi looked back again at Reid, frowning at the expression on the young man's face. Gone was the happiness and affection he'd shown a couple minutes ago. All of that was now replaced by a look full of frustration and hurt.

"What makes it even more confusing," Reid continued, his voice so low Rossi had to lean in to hear him properly, "is that I'm upset about not having someone whom I originally thought might have hurt and killed a kid stick around."

"That's why you were so quick to accuse him of killing Riley," Rossi argued. "At least if he'd been a criminal, his absence would've been justifiable."

"Yeah, but I was still mad that he abandoned us even then," Reid said, scrunching up his face. "He looked up information on me, lived close by, knew I often came back to see my mom…and yet he never once made any attempt to contact me. And that upset me even though I was thinking he was guilty of murder. How does that make any sense?"

Rossi sighed. "He's your dad, Reid," he said simply. "No matter what else he's done, or what you thought he did, he's still your father. You had him in your life for ten years. It's only natural that your feelings about him are going to be conflicted."

Reid paused, letting that sink in. Then, "If you'd done that to your son, would you expect him to forgive you?"

Rossi turned his head away at that moment, memories of James flooding in. Reid noticed the change in Rossi's demeanor, and quickly spoke. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to –"

"No, Reid, it's okay." He took a deep breath before facing Reid again. "I wouldn't expect him to forgive me, no. But I would be very grateful if he did." Reid let a small smile slip at that, nodding slightly.

"You're not him, you know," Rossi continued. Surprise registered in Reid's face at that comment. "I know that's one of the things you're wondering about. And you don't need to. You're too attentive, too helpful, too thoughtful, to even consider doing something like that to a child, or to a wife." He fixed his eyes on Reid's. "I don't, and won't, claim to know what it was like trying to take care of your mom as you did, Spencer. I can't even begin to imagine the difficulty involved. But somehow, you managed. If she's doing well, it's because of you. From what I've seen, all the good things about you seem to have come from her." He returned Reid's slight smile. "She's lucky to have you."

Reid still wasn't sure about that, but Rossi's sudden openness and sincerity had pushed that uncertainty aside for the moment. "Thanks, Rossi," he whispered, sniffling slightly. He took a moment to collect himself before continuing. "And, by the way, thanks…for all your help…"

"I wasn't about to let you handle that on your own," Rossi stated firmly. "Don't get me wrong, Reid. I know you know what you're doing. But even the toughest, smartest people have certain situations they shouldn't have to face alone." Like reliving memories of burning clothes. Rossi shuddered at the mere thought. The only other time he'd seen Reid anywhere close to being that troubled and scared was during the Owen Savage case, and it wasn't a side of him Rossi was eager to see show up again.

"You sound like you speak from experience with that," Reid noted. Rossi set his lips in a thin line in response. It was at that moment Reid decided not to bring up their respective reactions to Reid's hypnosis session. The whole thing had scared him more than he thought it would, and he had to admit to feeling a little relieved that he wasn't the only one who felt that way. Seeing Rossi's face when Reid had awoke, though, feeling his comforting hand on his shoulder and hearing his calm, reassuring voice...that had helped him feel a little better.

"Well, anyway," Reid continued, breaking the silence, "thanks again. I appreciate it." he stated. "And…about my behavior –"

"Don't mention it," Rossi replied. "No big deal."

"I dunno, it must've been pretty bad if Morgan, of all people, was telling me to calm down." He smirked then as Rossi let out a chuckle.

"You're entitled to your feelings, Reid. It's going to take some time to sort them out, if you ever fully manage to do so. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just know that we're always here if you need to…you know..."

"Understood," Reid said softly.

"Good." Rossi glanced at his watch then. "I think that's enough heavy talk for one day. It's about time to leave, anyway." He looked at Reid then. "Come on. Let's go grab something to eat. My treat."

"Fine by me," Reid agreed, finishing up his coffee. He turned back to take one last glance at Henry, before the two of them walked down the hall.

JJ watched as Henry's eyes slowly closed. She'd just had her first practice in feeding him, and it seemed to go relatively well. Now she was getting the chance to hold him in her arms for a while.

It's okay, Henry, you can go to sleep. Mommy's right here.

Mommy. Every time that word popped into JJ's head, she felt her eyes well up. It all still felt so surreal. She had a child now. This little person was hers to take care of and hold and love.

She never wanted to let him out of her sight. About the only time she hadn't kept her attention on Henry was when she'd managed the occasional nap here and there, and even then, those naps didn't last very long. What if Henry needed something? JJ had been scared when she'd found out she was pregnant, yes. It hadn't been planned, she had to learn to adjust very quickly to the idea.

That was nothing to what she felt now. She'd wanted to run from motherhood in the past. This time, however, she wanted to hold on tightly and never let go.

Hotch had told her that he would be more than happy to help her with anything, or just to talk in general. He seemed quite excited at the idea of finally having someone else on the team who truly understood firsthand what he had to deal with. She was pleasantly surprised to learn that Jessica had also offered her support, and laughed when Hotch mentioned Jack had volunteered to baby-sit. And then of course there were her own parents, as well as Will's, and the team. There was some level of comfort in knowing she had so many people around to help her through this.

That fact didn't squelch her fears entirely, though. Sure, they all could tell her about feeding rituals, or ways to get Henry to eat foods he didn't want to eat, or offer suggestions on what to do to help him stop crying and try to go to sleep.

But with the big issues, like her job and the dangerous work she did? Help could only go so far. She and Will couldn't guarantee they could keep themselves safe in their lines of work – they would try their best, of course, but they couldn't make promises. That had been a constant point of discussion and debate between the two of them in recent months. Even many of the people she was allowing into her son's life had risky jobs. Was she a bad mother, or Will a bad father, if they both refused to quit? After all, there were parents who did everything right, and something bad still happened to their kids. The recent cases in Vegas were prime examples of that.

Hotch once acknowledged he'd seen Jack in some, if not all, of the kids he'd encountered on cases. Is that going to happen to me? What am I going to do if it does? The very thought of quitting her job was one JJ had always refused to entertain. It was something she could never see herself do. She'd balked at the idea of taking pregnancy leave until she was flat out ordered to.

But if there was a case with a boy who looked like Henry, who talked like Henry, who acted like Henry… She remembered the sickly feelings she'd had when the victims in cases reminded her of herself. Those feelings would surely be ten times worse now. Could she come to work after that? Could she still try and get those images out of her head, or still handle the nightmares, with ease? Because if she couldn't…

Okay. Time to think happy thoughts, as Garcia would say.

She would be getting out of the hospital tomorrow – that was certainly something to look forward to. One more day of watching a fishing program with Will when he stopped by for a visit, and she was fairly certain she'd go nuts. She could hear her bed calling to her…not that she'd be sleeping in it much anytime soon…

Stop.

She was excited to show Henry his new room, settle him in his crib. There were new toys and clothes to give him as well, most of which were courtesy of Garcia.

The thought of her friend certainly brought a smile to JJ's face. She was pleasantly surprised when Will had been the one to bring up Garcia during their earlier discussion about godparents. Apparently she had reminded him of an aunt who used to babysit him and whom he had fond memories of. She was the sort of fun adult every kid needed in their life, Will had reasoned, a fact which JJ couldn't argue with. And she'd been immensely thankful when Will had readily agreed to her suggestion of Reid. He didn't know Reid all that well, but they'd always got on fine when they did meet, and, as Will had told her, "I trust your judgment". Imagining one's child in another's hands should fate intervene was a terrifying thought that JJ hadn't even wanted to entertain at first. But their choices brought her and Will some much needed peace of mind. If only you knew how lucky you are, Henry.

JJ tucked the blanket a little more snugly around Henry. Garcia was right. He really did look like Will. Would he inherit his accent, too, like Emily had said? Or JJ's soft voice? Will's laid-back attitude? Her love of sports? Will's love of music? Her intense drive?

Oh, god…what if he wanted to go into her or Will's line of work? She couldn't very well tell him no, regardless of how much she wanted to. Could she? She remembered having a debate or two with her own parents about her choice of career when she was in college, and had vowed she'd never be like that with her own kid.

Of course, that's what they all say, isn't it?

JJ's head was spinning a little now – never a good thing for someone who was still woozy from a hospital stay. She needed to slow down. Relax. Breathe. As always, she was getting ahead of herself, planning long-term. Henry was here, and he was safe and healthy, and wasn't that the most important thing right now?

Will had once told her, during a moment of stress, to take each day as it came, because life never worked out the way you planned it. She'd struggled with learning to take things day by day, but couldn't argue his overall point. Look at how much things had changed for her in the last couple years alone.

She leaned back on her pillow, closing her eyes, enjoying the brief moment of peace and quiet.

Whatever happened from here on out, JJ knew this much for certain: She would always make sure Henry knew she was there for him, and that she loved him.

At Bennington Sanitarium, a woman sat by the window, basking in the warmth of the late afternoon sunlight streaming in as she flipped through a scrapbook of photos. The woman in the photos looked genuinely happy, her smile actually reaching her eyes. The child with her, the one with the big glasses, meanwhile, looked so innocent, so much like a "regular" kid.

She knew that boy was no regular kid, though. He was tough. Strong. He had an almost absurdly brilliant mind. He helped keep the monsters at bay – had ever since he was a child. She saw some of his father in him – he was just as hard-working, just as honest (and occasionally confrontational), just as well-read and smart. She knew he'd inherited some traits from his mother as well…she just hoped that he got all the good ones, none of the bad.

The woman looked so carefree. No worries about creepy men lurking about, or murders, or burned clothing, or blood. No worries that she'd suddenly hear those voices shouting at her, or that she'd start seeing those weird…things…moving about the room. She wasn't thinking about her husband, how he'd broken his vows, how he'd left her and her son so suddenly…and she wasn't spending the moment she had in that photo learning how to forgive and move on. All the woman in the photo was thinking about was that it was a lovely day that day, and her son had just won a game of chess with her at the park, and she would treat him to some ice cream shortly thereafter.

"Diana?"

Diana Reid blinked at the voice. She turned in her seat to see Dr. Norman's kind face staring down at her. He held a white envelope in his hand.

"It's a letter from your son."

"Thank you," Diana said, slowly taking the envelope and tearing it open. As she began to read, a smile spread across her face. Sometimes her son's letters seemed so dark, so sad. Sometimes she sensed there were things he wasn't telling her. She couldn't get mad about that, though, because there were things she'd kept secret from him over the years, too. All she could do in those instances was hope and pray that things would work out for him, that he would know she was there, or would try to be there, if he needed her.

This letter, though, thankfully, was a much happier, enthusiastic one. Reid went on a bit about a friend of his named JJ (I remember her…a little) and how she had a new baby, and informed her that he was a godfather now, and could she believe that? Diana chuckled and shook her head. Anything's possible with you, Spencer.

He also wanted to thank her for her help with everything (it's what a mother does…), and had to let her know he understood why she did what she did, and hoped she knew he wasn't mad. There was promise of another visit in the very near future, too, one that would involve no talk of cases or sad things. And of course, he loved her. Always would.

Diana looked back at the photo in her lap.

I love you, too, Spencer. I always will.

"A mother's arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them." - Victor Hugo

Noise level information taken from the website for the Center for Hearing and Communication. Godparent info taken from Wikipedia. As always, reviews/critiques/etc. are welcome!