This time it was Todd that woke up with a start, though he couldn't sit up with Dirk's weight in his arms. Instead he pulled Dirk closer as he tried to calm his mind and breathing. A part of him knew under any other circumstance he'd probably feel awkward waking up in this position, with another man in his arms, but right now he didn't because right now he needed the comfort. He'd had another one of his nightmares that left him feeling like he was going to cry.

It didn't take long for Dirk to stir in his arms, noticing that something was wrong as he mumbled, "You okay, Todd?" He must have noticed how tense he was because he raised his head to look at him as he further asked, "What's wrong?"

Seeing a blush creep across Dirk's face in the morning light as he started to pull out of Todd's arms, he rather abruptly assured, "It's not this." He nodded his head between them, continuing, "It was just a stupid nightmare I keep having."

Frowning in concern at him, Dirk asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Todd couldn't keep an answering frown from his face as he thought about whether or not he should tell Dirk. The man never came off well in the dreams, at least not lately, and he didn't want Dirk reading into it. He knew his anger and resentment for Dirk's disappearance was uncalled for and unfair, most of all after finding out what he had the night before, but that didn't really change the way he felt. He didn't really have control over his emotions, which was probably why the disease was as bad as it was.

When Dirk started to pull back again, Todd panicked, blurting out, "You let Amanda die."

The effect was instantaneous. Dirk's eyes gleamed with unshed tears as a heart breaking frown took over his face before whispering in a wobbly voice, "What?"

Closing his eyes and covering his face he took a deep, uneven breath before explaining, "When you disappeared, Dirk, we had almost no idea what had happened, and a few minutes before Farah came to the bathrooms to find me and tell me you had disappeared into thin air, I got a call from Amanda." Todd's voice became choked as he forced himself to continue, "She was so scared, Dirk, and I couldn't help her, not how I was then. At first I told myself that you could, that you would fix whatever was wrong, I knew you were my only hope to help her, but then you were gone to and I didn't know what to do. I…" He couldn't stop the coming breakdown any longer as his eyes filled with tears but before it could really hit Dirk pulled him up and into his arms so they were sitting, Todd's head buried in his neck and shoulder.

Rubbing a hand up and down Todd's back, Dirk gently comforted, "It's okay, Todd."

It wasn't though, Todd knew that. Sure, he had Dirk back, which was great, but he still didn't know where Amanda was, or Farah for that matter. After he had calmed down enough he told Dirk, "But it's not. I still don't know where Amanda is and all I've gotten to even confirm she's alive is a letter, and that was over a week ago." He finally looked back into Dirk's saddening eyes as he added, "I also haven't heard from Farah in over a week, since she moved on into London." He looked away again as he finally told Dirk, "I keep having a dream where you stand by and let them die while I try to save them, but can't. No matter what I do, how hard I try, I never can. Sometimes I'm too slow, or I can't move, or I do something that triggers them dying instead, or I have an attack right as I get to them…" Taking a deep breath he finished, "You always just stand there and watch and once their dead, you just leave." Todd's voice had trailed off to a whisper as he spoke and as he finished he began to weep. He was so tired of crying but he couldn't help it.

Pulling him close again, Dirk tried to assure him, "You know I'd never actually let that happen. If I had been there, if I had known about Amanda, you know I would have stopped at nothing to save her." It was Dirk's turn to have his voice wobble as he told him, "Until just now I didn't even know she was in trouble."

Todd sniffled before admitting, "I know that, Dirk. I know you'd never actually do that, but my dreams don't seem to know it, and I can't stop this feeling of…of resentment." He made sure Dirk was looking him in the eye as he told him, "I know you don't deserve that. I know it wasn't your choice to leave, but I still feel angry, all the time, not even just at you, at every one; at Farah for loosing contact, at Amanda for being unreachable, but," looking down he rasped out, "mostly at you because you weren't here when I needed you."

When Todd looked up again it was to the heartbreaking sight of tears silently running down Dirk's face. The other man seemed to be at a loss for words before finally whispering, "I don't know how to fix that, Todd."

Sighing, he told him, "It's not something that you have to fix. It's something I do. It just might take a little time." Dirk nodded sadly but said nothing, so Todd decided it was time to get up, telling Dirk, "I'll go make us something to eat."

As he was retreating Dirk finally spoke, asking, "Why do you have attacks in your dreams? You don't have Pararibulitis."

Not even daring to turn around, Todd simply lied, "Probably guilt about lying to Amanda for so long."

Dirk was quiet again for a while as he got up as well and started getting ready for the day. He didn't speak again until they were sitting at Todd's table eating, stopping to look at Todd as he told him fervently, "I'll find her, Todd. I'll find Amanda. I'll start today."

With a small, but genuine smile, Todd told him, "Thank you, Dirk." Todd hoped Dirk could see how much he meant it.