CHAPTER 36: Paradise (Season 4, episode 4)

Character(s): Ian & Abbie Corbin, Reid, JJ

A/N: Some slight spoilers for the episode itself. Briefest of references to moments from "Empty Planet", "Revelations", "The Angel Maker", and "Minimal Loss", too.

"You should paint those visions of paradise rather than just talking about them. I'll begin with you." ― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Abbie Corbin closed her eyes, letting the cool breeze caressed her face, soaking in the warmth of the sun on her skin.

She'd observed the wooded areas along the sides of the road, really taking them in along the way. The lush green trees, the ripples in the grass as the wind blew upon it, the quiet rush of the small rivers, the rolling foothills that led into majestic mountains and caverns…

The brilliant blue shade of the afternoon sky that greeted her when she'd looked out the windshield, with its puffy white marshmallow clouds floating about, seemed never-ending. Azure, she'd heard that shade called once before. That color had always looked slightly futuristic to her. Appropriate, that.

Such a beautiful day. So gorgeous, refreshing, relaxing. Abbie looked over at her husband, taking in the smile on his face.

"Abbie," he whispered. "Abbie…"

"Abbie!"

She jolted awake then, frowning when she looked up at the person speaking to her.

Just the doctor.

"Sorry to wake you up," he said, way too cheerfully for her liking. "But it's time to take a look at how your injuries are doing again." He went through his examination, and Abbie once again kept her eyes on the ceiling, willing herself to focus on something, anything else. Her children, the fact she was going to leave the hospital tomorrow…that lovely dream she'd been having…

"All right," she heard her doctor eventually say. "Things are looking good. You and your husband are definitely going to be able to get out of here tomorrow." He sent her a pleasant smile.

Thank God. Instead she returned the smile. "Thank you," she said quietly. A little more fussing about, and finally, the doctor left the room, allowing Abbie another moment of peace and quiet.

She leaned back against her pillow, closing her eyes. Another chance at sleep proved futile for her, though, so she turned her gaze to the window instead.

Guess she wouldn't need to think of a cover story for herself after all. Her scars and bruises were healing up well enough, and with fall coming, she had plenty of long-sleeved shirts and pants to wear to cover up what did remain. How to explain some of Ian's more noticeable injuries, however, that she was still figuring out.

They'd been up in the mountains. She could say he'd taken a nasty fall on a hike.

Abbie let out a frustrated sigh as her thoughts turned to her husband then. Why did he have to be so damned stubborn? Why couldn't he just go along with this? He wasn't the one who'd have to possibly explain what that psycho had…

Abbie took a deep breath, collecting herself. He was out of it during that part of everything, anyway!

She just didn't want to have to deal with the pitying stares at work were she to talk about the trauma she and Ian gone through. Bunch of nosy busybodies. Didn't want to shatter her children's innocence. What if they ask questions? What do I say? Didn't want to hear her dad's comments, or have her in-laws fussing over her unnecessarily. Lord knows she'd already dealt with enough of that lately as it was.

She'd seen the raised eyebrows, heard the whispers from others when she and Ian were at social gatherings. He'd be out there, loud and partying away, and she'd be sitting in a corner, looking irritated and annoyed. They'd become practiced in the art of whispered arguing whenever one or the other got snippy in public about something or other. And she knew her children had heard her and Ian fighting a time or two late at night after they'd thought the kids were fast asleep.

Her dad would then start in with his usual drunken rambling about how he knew Ian was no good for her. Abbie would always try and tune him out at those moments – she knew that was a lie. If there was one upside to telling her dad about what really happened to the two of them on their ill-fated trip, it would be her going on about how hard Ian fought against that lunatic. She was always quick to rattle off the list of reasons why she'd agreed to marry him, why she loved him.

He is fun. Good with the kids. Can still make me laugh. She sighed as the memories of that first night at the motel came back. Romantic…

The bottom line was, people had already been forming their own assumptions and theories about her and Ian, and their marriage, of late. She didn't need to pile onto that in any way.

Being "involved" on the other end wasn't much better, either. Ian's parents would be overly nice to her and the kids, trying to "give the two of them time" to "work out their problems" if they needed.

Yes, things weren't perfect between them. She could admit that. She wasn't blind. But they could work this out themselves. Couldn't they? If there was one good thing that had come from their time together in the cabin, their usual arguments were a little more focused – ironically, the lack of time to dwell on their problems forced them to get to the point more quickly. Maybe that ability could carry over into their everyday life once they got out of this place. Just a little more communication, a little more trust.

Maybe.

Abbie dug in her purse, searching for her day planner. Once she'd found it, she pulled it out, set it on her lap, and upon opening to the first page, looked at the photo she'd clipped to the inside cover.

It was a picture of her, Ian, and their kids. Taken a couple years ago, when they'd been on a trip to the Grand Canyon. She smiled at her little girl's big, toothy grin – her daughter was five at that time, and had used her recent tooth fairy money to buy a small stuffed toy, which she proudly held up next to her face. Her son, meanwhile, then six, was striking a silly pose with his dad, the two of them making a goofy face. Abbie was mid-laugh, looking happily at her husband and son, while she held her daughter in a one-armed hug.

It was her all-time favorite picture of her family. That whole trip had been one of the most enjoyable experiences of her life – she couldn't remember the last time she'd been so relaxed and happy.

Relaxed and happy. Abbie wiped at her eyes as she continued to gaze at the picture.

She just wanted that old life back. Was that really so much to ask?

ooo

Ian Corbin was tired of looking at white walls. Tired of beeping machines, medical jargon, people poking and prodding him. He just wanted to get back home already. See his kids, hold them close. See his parents, and do his best to reassure them that he and Abbie were okay.

That last part would be easier said than done, though. If his conversations with his wife the last couple days were any indication, Ian had a sneaking suspicion he'd be asking his parents to watch his kids a lot more often in the coming weeks…or months…

He wanted to talk to Abbie about everything they'd been through lately. He needed her to acknowledge everything she'd dealt with, whatever that…that bastard…had done to her while he was knocked out. He'd even considered bringing up the suggestion of a counselor again…

The thing about being married for a number of years, however, was that a person got to know all too well how their spouse would respond to certain things they said. Sometimes that was a blessing. Other times, like now…not so much.

"You're the one who's been telling me to relax all the time, right? Well, here I am. Relaxed!"

"It's nothing, Ian. Nothing. I'm fine."

"We. Don't. Need. A. Counselor. We can handle this ourselves."

Ian sighed, wincing as the bright light streaming in from the setting sun hit his eyes then. The throbbing in his head started up once more, much to his dismay. He'd expected it, of course – the doctor had told him his wounds from the recent attack were going to linger for a little while.

Didn't make him any less anxious for them to go away.

As much as he hated looking at and dealing with the cuts and bruises, however, his main concern was how Abbie would handle them. Ian had seriously been debating covering up the mirrors in their home until the wounds started to heal up, for he had visions of Abbie getting ready in the morning only to break down crying with one simple glance at her reflection. The fact that a couple of her bruises were from him, when he'd accidentally shoved her, made him fear her reaction even more.

She's stronger than that, though. Look at what all she just survived.

Ian wanted to believe that. He really did. He wanted his strong, sassy, playful wife back. He'd allowed himself the occasional memory of the wonderful first night they'd spent at that motel each night. Anything to attempt to make sleep easier for him at night. He tried to remember the warmth of her embrace as she snuggled up against him the following morning, their silly jokes, her light laugh, that oh-so-soft bed that he never wanted to leave…

…but of course, that memory never lasted long. The nightmares followed very shortly thereafter. He'd been knocked out for a time before seeing Abbie tied to that bed, and his mind drove him crazy night after night with tortured theories of just what all that psycho had done to her in that time. One nightmare involved him coming home, only to find with horror the guy wasn't dead after all and his family was gone, that he'd escaped and was holding them captive…or worse.

When he awoke, he'd panic upon feeling something attached to his body…only to be reminded that it was just the usual hospital tubes. And in the midst of trying to calm himself down, he longed to find Abbie, to see if she was being kept awake each night, too.

The dark circles under her eyes when he saw her in the hall yesterday told him all he needed to know about that fear. Despite this, she'd initially talked to him the way she did that first night at the motel. She was calm. Peaceful. Upbeat. In any other instance, Ian would've welcomed this behavior from her. But not now. She was too calm. Seemed too much at peace. Unnervingly upbeat. To hear her speak at first, it was as though she expected all of…this…to disappear the moment they left the hospital tomorrow.

Granted, that was no surprise. She always was the type to try and fix or solve any problem, be it real or perceived, of those around her. Her father was her first project. Then it was Ian, and now it seemed to be her marriage in general. Always had to put on a good front, always worrying about what others would think of what they said and did. She'd been like that when they were dating, too, but he'd just always assumed (or hoped) she'd eventually…grow out of it, or something. But even now, she was still desperate to sweep her problems under the rug. Their recent conversation had made that wearyingly clear.

"What do we tell everyone?" she asked, looking at him from her spot next to his bed. "How do we explain this?"

"We could tell them the truth," Ian suggested, quickly continuing when he saw Abbie's eyes widen. "We don't have to go into all the details! Just the basics."

Abbie was already vigorously shaking her head no, though. "Mm-mm. No. I don't want to do that."

"They'd understand, sweetie," Ian pressed, trying to keep his voice as reassuring as possible.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Abbie hissed, any trace of pleasant attitude now gone.

"Well, then why did you ask me what to tell them? You've clearly already figured out what we won't say."

"I thought maybe you might have some suggestions other than that one. Apparently not." She turned in her chair, folding her arms.

"Well, excuse me for wanting to be honest." He waved a hand in the general direction of his body. "This isn't exactly the sort of thing you can explain away as a simple trip on the stairs."

"I know that," she said through clenched teeth. Another moment, and she stood, heading towards her room. "I'll see you later. Enjoy your lunch."

He hadn't meant to snap at her, really. Just…enough was enough. She had to quit lying to herself, to quit pretending…

…and so did he. This behavior of hers wasn't going to stop. In fact, things were only assuredly going to get tougher, and worse, once they left for home.

Unless he did something about this, that is. But what?

Abandoning Abbie was automatically out, he knew that. He was not going to walk out on her. And the kids. He knew whatever he did from here on out, he would be doing everything in his power to avoid causing his kids any more worry or sadness. He was already going to be doing a lot to make them feel better when he got home as it was.

The more Ian replayed their earlier conversation, the more sense it made to him. Maybe he could agree to some of her terms for the time being. Work out some sort of compromise. They could give themselves a few days to come down, so to speak, from the insanity they'd just been through, clear their heads a little, try and go about their business…and then they could talk about finding outside help. Professional help. Perhaps once Abbie got a taste of regular life again, she'd be more open to other options.

Ian firmly nodded. It was a plan. A shaky plan, perhaps, but a plan.

All this wondering and planning was wearing him out. He pulled his blankets tighter around him, closing his eyes. Things are always much clearer after a good night's sleep, right?

Right.

Ian sent out a silent prayer that come tomorrow, he'd finally know what to do.

"Hey, JJ, I'm on my way to lunch and I wanted to see if you wanted – "

Reid eagerly poked his head into JJ's office, only to frown once he got a proper look at her. She was leaning back in her chair, one hand touching her forehead while the other was trying to rub at her back. Her eyes were closed, and she appeared to be wincing ever so slightly. "You okay?"

"Hmm?" JJ blinked then, looking over at her now concerned friend. "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit tired, that's all." She flashed Reid what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

"Are you sure?" Reid had fully stepped into the room now, hands in his pockets, moving slightly towards her desk.

"Yeah, Spence, it's okay, don't worry. Just the usual pregnancy stuff, you know."

Reid considered this for a moment. He believed her, of course – his mind immediately filled with all the information he'd been reading about the effects of pregnancy on a woman's physical (and emotional, and mental) state. It was to be expected that she'd have many moments like that, especially at this stage of her pregnancy.

Still, though, seeing her up and running around earlier in the day only to now look so lethargic and sleepy…he couldn't help but feel a little worried nonetheless.

"Do you need anything?" he asked then.

JJ hesitated, giving Reid an amused look in response to his determined attentiveness. Truth be told, there were a couple things she did need just then, actually…but she didn't want Reid, or anyone else, to turn into her servants. She was perfectly capable of getting up and getting her own things.

She would do so, too. Eventually. When her feet and back stopped aching.

"JJ?" Reid's voice snapped her back to the moment.

"What? Oh. Sorry. Um…well…" He's right there. And offering. Might as well let him. "Actually, now that you mention it, I do have a heating pad sitting in the corner over there…" She pointed to a spot near the shelf across from her desk. Reid turned, immediately spotting the object, and went to pick it up. After a few moments' preparation, JJ felt the comforting warmth of the pad as she helped Reid guide it between her chair and her back.

"That help?" she heard him ask, his voice cautious.

"Yes. Thank you," she said gratefully. She very nearly considered asking him to rub her feet as well, but figured that might be going a little too far. Instead, she quietly slipped off her shoes and socks, resting her feet on a soft footstool she'd been keeping underneath her desk.

Once satisfied that JJ was properly taken care of, Reid stood hesitantly near the doorway. He didn't want to be a pest, but he wanted to keep an eye on her. JJ's due date was still a little ways away yet, but still…

JJ gave him another look, and took pity on him. "Do you want to stay here for a few minutes? I wouldn't mind the distraction." She looked down towards all the papers on her desk to emphasize her point.

"If that's okay with you," Reid said. A quick nod from JJ was all the confirmation he needed as he closed the door. Briefly glancing around for a chair and not finding one, Reid promptly settled himself on the corner of her desk instead. The two sat in silence for a couple minutes.

"So…" JJ began, uncertain of what exactly she intended to say next.

"So…" Reid parroted, smiling as JJ jokingly rolled her eyes.

"How about that last case, huh?" Ugh. Really? Work as a topic?

Reid grimaced, his mind going back to the recent events in Nevada. "It was definitely tough," he acknowledged, nodding.

"I can't even begin to imagine what that poor couple's going through," JJ sighed, rubbing the side of her head. "It never ceases to amaze me just how cruel some people can be." Again, Reid simply nodded his agreement.

"You know what always gets me about these cases?" JJ asked after a moment. Reid looked at her curiously, preferring to just sit and listen and let her vent.

"Every time, I hear about these criminals' bad childhoods. Abusive dads, mothers who didn't take care of them, kids being shuffled around between adults. This last unsub's mother made her son witness to some very graphic situations. I just…I can't understand that." She looked down at her stomach, rubbing it gently. "The idea of ever hurting my child in any way doesn't even cross my mind. Or Will's. Or my parents."

"Neither would mine," Reid added. His mother's love for him was never in doubt. And as for his dad…well…he wasn't perfect, that much was certain. But Reid had never once felt unsafe around him.

Shaking thoughts of William away then, Reid continued. "It never makes sense, JJ. No matter how many times we study or hear about this stuff. I don't think it ever will make sense." Seeing a dejected look on his friend's face at that response, Reid quickly changed the subject, giving her an encouraging smile. "Your baby's going to be pretty lucky."

That worked. "Thanks," JJ said, returning the smile. "And by the way, just in case I haven't said it enough already, thanks…for all your help."

Reid shrugged. "Happy to. Not that you really need it," he added with a smirk, pleased when he heard JJ chuckle.

He wasn't totally kidding with that statement. Reid had been continually amazed and impressed at how effortlessly JJ did her job these past months. No complaints (or if there were, he never really heard them), no excuses, she always looked alert and ready to go (much more so than he did some days). Her strength was always one of the things Reid had admired most about her, and help or no help, he knew she'd handle motherhood with the same amount of intelligence, hard work, and love and care she put into every other part of her life.

He paused thoughtfully before saying as much aloud. "You're going to make a great mom."

She's pretty tough. That phrase had echoed through JJ's mind the last few days. Three simple words, but they sure as hell were a boost to her confidence. After that cop's remarks at the station, she'd welcomed having somebody come to her defense. She knew, of course, the officer had meant no ill will with his statements, but sometimes, even the slightest jab or joke was enough to make her wonder what she could and couldn't handle. Normally JJ chalked those moments of doubt up to her hormones going haywire, but even so… Thanks to the support of people like Reid, Will, and the rest of her teammates, however, she was getting better at shoving that pesky, fearful little voice aside.

She was surprised to feel the slight sting of tears upon hearing his supportive words, and simply gave him a thankful smile in response.

Another short silence fell between the two before Reid spoke up again. "So, Emily said something interesting when we were outside the motel after the case ended."

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"She had a list of things to never do again. Roadside motels were her latest addition."

JJ let out a sympathetic huff. "Can't say I disagree with her on that."

"Do you have a list?" Reid asked, curious.

"Yeah. Don't you?" She smirked as Reid shook his head, confused. "Well, maybe you should start one, then." JJ shifted in her chair. "Come on. What's on Spencer Reid's 'never doing that again' list?"

Reid scrunched up his face for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Hmmm. Well," he began, a smile on his face. "I might put 'riding in a car with Morgan' on my list."

JJ laughed at that. She'd remembered their little back and forth about that topic on a recent case. "Oh, yeah, you're one to talk."

"My driving's just fine," Reid protested. "Somebody has to compensate for Morgan's 'vibing'."

"And by 'compensate', you mean, drive like a little old lady?" JJ grinned at him.

"I'm in the FBI, JJ, it wouldn't look very good for me to break the speed limit!"

"Anyway," JJ continued, shaking her head in amusement, "what else?"

"Actually, I think you should go next," Reid said. "Give me a minute to think of something else."

JJ pressed the heating pad against her back as she rubbed gently at the aching spot. "Right now? I'd say getting pregnant again would definitely go on my list." She gave Reid a wry smile.

"Oh!" Reid snapped his fingers. "I've got one. Playing cards against you."

"What, 'cause I beat you that one time in gin?" JJ smirked.

"You didn't beat me, I let you win."

"Sure." JJ simply nodded her head, trying not to laugh at the confused look on Reid's face. "Besides, playing against you should be on my list."

"We'll call that a tie," Reid said diplomatically. He continued to rack his brain for more ideas, frowning when a particular one eventually came to mind.

"What is it, Spence?" Now JJ was the one showing concern upon seeing her friend's face darken ever so slightly.

"It's nothing. I shouldn't say…" Reid muttered, looking down, his finger trailing along the edge of the desk.

"You can tell me. It'll be in strictest confidence," JJ reassured him.

There was a long pause before Reid finally spoke. "Religious zealots."

JJ's eyes widened in understanding. Cyrus. Of course. Another instance where she'd had to observe from a distance while her friend was held captive. She'd seen how uneasy he'd acted for a time after that case, had wanted to talk to him about it…but she didn't want to dredge up those memories. It'd only been a little over a year and a half since Georgia, after all. Her own flashbacks to that time were bad enough.

"Can I add that one to my list, too?" she asked quietly. Reid nodded, giving her a small smile. He'd made her, and the rest of his friends, worry. Again. Sure, unlike with Hankel, it wasn't his fault he got caught up in that cult's mess, but still… Another thing I should put on my "never again" list.

Funny how quickly the light mood had dissipated. Reid glanced up at the clock, noticing that there wasn't much time left on his break. He cleared his throat then. "Well," he began, "I should, uh, probably get back to work soon."

"Yeah," JJ said, her voice distant. "Yeah, me, too." She pulled the pad away from her back, shutting it off and setting it aside before turning back to her papers. A thought hit her then. "What about lunch?"

Reid dismissed her comment with a wave of his hand as he hopped off her desk. "It can wait. I wasn't going to get much to eat anyway. I've still got lots of files to get through yet. Especially if Morgan's slipped a few in while I've been away." He rolled his eyes at that last remark, but grinned anyway. JJ chuckled, nodding.

"Do you need anything else before I head out?" He turned back to face her, hand on the door.

"No, I think I'm good. Thanks again, Spence."

"No problem." He threw her a parting smile as he headed out the door.

JJ took her own peek at the clock then. Only a few hours to go until the end of the work day.

She decided she could wait until then to tell him about her growing craving for spaghetti. He'd get a proper meal, and she'd get to spend a quiet, relaxing evening with both her boyfriend and her best friend.

JJ rubbed her stomach gently before resuming her work.

Life really was good.

"Spread kindness, caring, and compassion and create your own paradise. Infuse it with joy and you've created heaven on earth." ― Amy Leigh Mercree