Nada: Huh... I seem to keep updating on the 30th. I think I'll keep that pattern from now on. It gives me time to figure out where the heck this story is going, haha.

Thanks to everyone who has read/reviewed/favorited this story so far!

But you know, fanfic writers are happy when people review. It lets them know if readers are enjoying it as much as the writers do :)

Chapter Three

Tainted. Corrupted. Defiled. Infected.

My brain won't stop chanting. It was like there was a voice in my head that kept whispering those words within the darkness of my mind. It was like a broken record player constantly reminding me of what may actually be my sanity slipping away. I know I'm being ridiculous, I've scolded myself so many times for it already. I can't believe myself.

I know I'm not paranoid.

I know I'm not lonely.

I know he loves me and he loves ME alone.

He doesn't care about what happened with Marluxia and Larxene.

He doesn't care that the whole upper part of my back is scarred for life with the words silentium.

He doesn't care that I practically mutilated my arm-okay I'm being a little over dramatic about that. I'm still not sure how it happened. I mean, I should be in control of my hands, right? How did I not notice that I was cutting into my skin with my nails? And worse yet, why didn't I feel it?

Sora says he looks past it, the scars, my experiences, they don't define me. Everything is in the past and everything has been taken cared of. I need to move on. Yeah, that's the most logical thing to do…

So… why am I stuck? (Why am I scared?)

Because I'm tainted.

I spent most of the night staring blankly at the sky. Having given up on sleeping only three hours ago, I stood on my knees, drew back the curtains and unlocked the windows.

Twilight Town will never see the night of darkness that was a fact I had to get adjusted to the day Cloud told Naminé and me that the sun was stuck on permanent twilight. The residents here have gotten used to it, but it still bothers me. I never get to see the stars. And it was moments like this, when sleep evaded me, that I wished it was dark. This canvas of red, orange and yellow was not comforting.

It reminded me too much of the trails of blood that seeped from my arm during that ride on the train. I still can't believe I did that to myself without realizing it. At least Sora brushed it off. Though, I don't think Naminé and Olette will drop it any time soon.

I stood in front of the window for a while, my eyes locked intently on the never-ending scenery of twilight; my mind blank of thoughts, yet still troubled with emotion. At least Twilight Town had a change of weather so it wasn't completely abnormal. But still, it wasn't very comforting-then again, I'd rather think about the abnormalities of Twilight Town than the echo of insanity playing through my head.

…Tainted…

I don't understand what's wrong with me.

-x-X-x-

Sleep deprivation sucks. This weather sucks. Morning sucks. Summer sucks. My life sucks.

I'm brooding again.

It's eight in the morning; way too early for high school kids like me to be up during the summer, but this is completely normal to Cloud and Naminé. Well actually, it's normal to Naminé. Cloud was the lucky bastard still asleep upstairs while Naminé was busy making breakfast for the two of us.

During the summer, our mom worked extra hours at the hospital for extra pay. She always said she did it for us, so that the next holiday break we got, she was able to take us some where nice. The last time we went out on vacation together was when I was ten and that was years ago. I started thinking Mom only worked extra shifts to get away from us.

Then again, I'm being paranoid…

"Onii-chan, would you like some breakfast?" Naminé asked, dumping a whole load of scrambled eggs on her plate. She slipped the pan back onto the stove and grabbed the second, sliding the greasy curled bacon onto the plate and separated her breakfast with two rolls of cinnamon.

I haven't seen breakfast this extravagant since our birthday, which got me thinking, am I missing something here?

"What's the occasion?" I asked as she sat down with a glass of juice.

Cerulean colored eyes gazed up at mine. Her blonde eyebrows knitted in confusion. It wasn't until she eyed me and her food did she make the connection. She laughed.

"Onii-chan, just because my breakfast is amazing doesn't mean there's a special occasion. I'm just hungry." She smiled, her fork suddenly stabbed into her eggs. "Want some?" She offered me one of her cinnamon rolls and me, having had nothing to eat since dinner last night, took the treat greedily.

I bit into it. The soft gooey dough sprinkled with cinnamon and icing spilled onto my tongue deliciously. I loved it when cinnamon rolls were fresh.

I didn't notice at first—with the cinnamon rolls being so godly—but my sister kept watching me with an amused expression. I pretended not to notice, instead focused everything I had on enjoying the pastry. On my last bite, she sighed loudly and stabbed her bacon. It made a loud clank with the plate beneath.

"So," she tried again, "How's your arm?"

"It doesn't hurt." I shrugged.

"Mm," she nodded absently. "How are you and Sora?"

Her question caught me off guard. I choked on the last bit of cinnamon and winced when it ran down my esophagus harsher than it should. "Wh-what?" I managed to choke out, trying my best to steady the string of coughs. "We're f-fine." (Olette's definition of "fine" instantly flashed in my mind: fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. We're fine.)

Naminé eyed me skeptically and said, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure—" but she never heard. She started to talk over me. "Because he came to see me last night after you went to bed."

Something in the tone of her voice stopped me and I stared intently into her eyes. She was accusing me. My own twin, who was supposed to take my side for everything, was boldly and outwardly accusing me. The look on her face ignited the anger I felt whenever Kairi or the others brought up some childhood memory I wasn't a part of. It suddenly infuriated me that Sora came to see my twin last night without even telling me.

Jealousy bit into me like a vicious animal.

"Oh really? And why is that, I wonder."

"He's worried about you." She said bluntly. She ignored my tone of irritation, like she usually did when we were having an argument. "Everyone's worried about you. We know you've been gloomy lately Roxas. You've been distancing yourself from everyone, especially from Sora." She sighed, the extravagant breakfast on her plate growing cold by the second. "He wants you to know that if anything is wrong, you can always talk to him. He'll always listen."

I used to be so good at masking my emotions. I was the unreadable book whose words never made sense because my words were riddles within riddles. But my reputation as "Mr. Unreadable" shattered the moment a certain brunet came into my life. He saw through my riddles and found the real meaning of who I was with ease. He made me speak, he broke the silence and helped defeat my demons, but he made a mistake. He didn't realize how torn and stained the pages of my heart had become. He left me wide open.

I can't hide myself anymore.

And it feels like the more stained pages I find, the more I want to tear them out and rip the pieces.

"Onii-chan?" Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts. She was still watching me, still trying to read me just like everyone else lately. But I won't let her, not this time. I love my sister, but she wouldn't understand. The anger I felt toward her disappeared, but the bite of Jealousy was still there.

"I know imouto," I smiled, small and feeble—small hints of what inner turmoil that swirled in the pit of my stomach—but it looked real and that was all that mattered to me. "I'm sorry; I guess I have been acting a little weird." A little was an understatement, I knew that, but I didn't want Naminé or anyone else knowing what was going through my mind. It was bad enough that everyone was worried, especially with my stupid stunt on the train. I didn't want to give them a real reason to worry.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not with you."

She smiled brightly; her blue eyes suddenly twinkled in realization. "You know what would be so romantic?" She grinned slyly at me. My stomach involuntarily churned with worry.

I shouldn't ask. My twin is a devil in an angel guise. I knew whatever "romantic" thought processing through her head wasn't anything I wanted to be caught dead doing. Yet, I asked her anyway and she responded with an angelic smile. What she said made me want to slap myself for the rest of the day.

-x-X-x-

Its official I've completely lost my mind. That or the sleep deprivation and hunger made me weak in will. I knew Naminé's plan was going to involve humiliation in some way, I don't know why I let her talk me into it.

It's a little after 8:30 in the morning, the whole Leonhart household should still be sound asleep in their beds, yet here I stood, right outside my boyfriend's window with a pebble wedged between my thumb and finger. This is too cliché for me.

Naminé thought the whole thing was romantic, especially since Sora thought I've been emotionally distant, so coming to see him by throwing pebbles at his window would have been a memory worth keeping. I would have agreed had Sora been a girl and if the whole damn thing wasn't so fucking clichéd. I don't know why girls think it's so romantic when every man in History has already done it. To me, it feels so unoriginal.

But here I was, standing in the middle of the lawn under the light of twilight feeling more and more like a stalker with a stupid rock in his hand. I can't help stress it.

"This is so stupid," I muttered clutching the pebble tightly. But here goes nothing.

I tossed the pebble at the window, wincing involuntarily at the loud clunk that met my ears. It was definitely loud enough to wake up anyone in the room but knowing Sora, he hadn't heard. Unlike me, Sora sleeps like the dead—the whole town can be destroyed and he'd probably sleep right through it.

I skimmed the dirt for another pebble and flung it hard at his window. This time, I threw it too hard. It only took me a second to react. Panic already had it's clutches around my heart the moment the pebble broke through the glass. It left behind a nasty jagged hole. I hid behind the pile of trash-not exactly the best place to hide but good enough-when the window suddenly flew open and a longhaired man with chocolate colored hair poked his head out angrily.

He scanned the empty streets for the culprit of his broken window, but huffed angrily when no one came into sight. "Damn brats." He muttered, falling back into the room and slammed the window shut.

I heaved a sigh of relief and rose to my full height. I didn't look back at the house when I made my journey back home. It's bad enough I broke Sora's window, it was even worse when it turned out to be his Dad's window.

This is the last time I listen to my sister's crack pot ideas.

-x-X-x-

Halfway through the walk home, my cell decided to break my train of thought. It rang with a loud chime that echoed in the silent street. With a beep, I brought the phone to my ear, half expecting to hear Naminé's curious expression or Cloud on another one of his scolding rants but to my amazement and displeasure, silent breathing was all that came on the other line.

My first impression: annoyance. If Hayner or Riku were prank calling me again, I was going to take a rock and break it through their window.

My second impression: worry. Who'd be stupid enough to get my number? The only people who knew it were supposed to be Naminé, Cloud and Sora (and everyone else Naminé and Sora gave it too).

"Hello?" I asked in a tired tone. I wasn't in the mood for games. The voice on the other end remained silent. I rolled my eyes. "You might as well say something or I'm hanging up. I'm not in the mood."

I would have hung up, even with that warning, but an all too familiar chuckle sounded from the other side. I knew that voice very well. It made my stomach flip and flutter repeatedly and my heart race whenever I heard it. The Gloom Cloud I've been plagued with recently quickly dispersed long enough to allow a grin to slip across my face.

"Are you trying to prank me, Sor? Or did you just want to hear my beautiful voice?"

He laughed, loud, melodious, and joyous—it sounded as beautiful as it was perfect. His laughter always made me smile, whether I wanted to or not, he was just gifted that way. I love his laugh more than anything.

When his laughter subsided, he took a breath. His next words sounded a lot closer to the phone than it did before, that made me think he finally brought it up against his cheek. "You called me Sor," He said (I could almost hear the smile on his lips) "You haven't called me that since summer started. Trying to suck up to me are you?"

"Trust me Sor, if I wanted to suck up to you, I wouldn't have to use words." A wolfish grin slipped further onto my face-it was another empty promise, but Sora didn't need to know that. "Sweet talking isn't the only thing my mouth is talented at."

"Roxas!" He whined. (I bet he was blushing.) I stifled a snicker, hearing the brunet shift into a better position on the other line—or was that footsteps? "We-well," He stammered, still sounding embarrassed, "Start sucking up Rox. My dad is pretty mad for what you did to our window."

Suddenly I felt my innards squeeze uncomfortably. The back of my neck, along with the rest of my face, burned hotly in embarrassment. I cleared my throat nervously. "Wha-what makes you think it was me and not, um, not someone else—something else." As if the weather wasn't already hot, the sheer embarrassment and guilt laced in my voice made my body go up in temperature.

Sora seemed to notice and chuckled lightly into the phone. I think he's enjoying my embarrassment.

"I saw you, duh." I blanched, heat instantly draining to cold at the bluntness of his words. "I didn't tell dad it was you though."

"God! I'm sorry Sora. It was stupid of me. I didn't want to do it but Naminé talked me into it and she pretty much guilt tripped me into doing it because she told me that you and everyone else have been worried about me lately and that just made me feel even more like crap so I did what she said and went to your house so damn early in the morning and I know it was so cliché, but I didn't expect the rock to break any windows. I'll pay for it if I have to! No I will pay for it, I was the one who broke it in the first place so I'll pay the munny to get it fixed and—"

Beep!

"—Sora?" I frowned; panting for breath from the long-winded explanation which turned out more as babble fest of guilt. I stood there in the middle of the street, still panting and waiting, expecting some sort of giggle or laugh or any sound that said he was still on the line, but all that met my ears was the continuous beep of a disconnected line.

My boyfriend hung up on me. Oh fuu-

Instantly, my mind kicked into overdrive. Guilt shot through my stomach so fast, I thought I was going to be sick, but panic overwhelmed my guilt and gripped my nerves in an iron hold. There was a faint trace of anger that lingered in the back of my mind, whether or not it was directed toward Sora or myself, I couldn't tell. Endless bouts of questions filled my head: does he hate me? Is he mad? Does he think I'm an idiot? I shouldn't have ranted. Oh god why did I let Naminé talked me into doing that?

I bet he wouldn't have minded if Riku were the one who broke his window. I bet the only reason he's mad at me at all is because he knows I'm-

Tainted.

The word slashed through my thoughts and numbed every single sensation in my body. It drained my energy so fast I nearly collapsed to the ground in a boneless heap. I hadn't felt this empty and numb in such a long time, not since the beginning of my silence. But even under the tyranny of silentium, I hadn't felt like this, like an empty, soulless being without words, without emotions. I felt so completely and utterly numb.

It was funny how one single word could make me feel like a shadow of my former self; how it made me feel so dead inside, like my whole existence was nothing more than a tainted lie.

What's wrong with me?

"Hey," said a familiar voice from behind me. "I know how you can make it up to me."

I heard him. I heard that smile that was always on his face but my body refused to move. It refused to snap out of its lock down. I didn't even react to Sora's hand against my shoulder.

"Roxas?" His voice sounded muffled in my ears, distant and…worried. Almost like he was moving farther and farther away from where I stood but I knew he wasn't. No, that was me.

Just my sanity fleeting away to nothing…

"Roxas!" He called, louder, stronger—his hand spun my body around to face him.

And just like that, I was brought back to reality.

"Sorry," I murmured looking down at the ground sheepishly. "I guess I started daydreaming again."

Sora stared at me intently; his crystalline eyes peered deep into the pools of my own. He could read me. He could read me better than Naminé and it scared me more than I realized. A ghost of a frown formed on his cherubic face.

Sometimes I really do miss being unreadable.

"Roxas we need to talk." He stated, his hands still clutching tightly to my shoulders. His eyes never once strayed from mine. (The infamous four words.) "And before you get weird on me again, I'm not breaking up with you." He sighed; a faint smile wormed its way back on his face. "Let's go somewhere private."

-x-X-x-

It turned out that "some place private" was actually code for "let's go to the Usual Spot" because that was exactly where he brought me. We slipped into the room, not at all surprised by the emptiness that greeted us. Sora sat on the couch and patted the spot next to him. He gave me a cute smile-not an innocent one, a cute one, which was Sora code for "we're going to have a long and serious conversation". He beamed went I complied, but said nothing, which was good since I had to mentally prepare myself for whatever lay ahead.

He turned to me, his usual cheer replaced with seriousness. He took my hand into his own and said a bit deep for his character, "Roxas, you have a problem and I think the first step to recovery is admitting you have one."

I blinked. "Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about." He frowned. "You've been…different… since summer began. You don't talk as much as you used to, you're always out of it and then what happened on the train-" He stopped, his eyes suddenly widened in disbelief as an idea struck him. "Roxas don't tell me you really are depressed? You're not cutting yourself are you?" He cried in horror, his hands already grabbing hold of my wrist.

"Whoa Sora!" I snatched my wrist from his grasp, something I instantly regretted when he glared at me suspiciously. "Look, I'm not a cutter okay? I don't need any more scars on my body. What happened on the train was completely accidental."

"Then what's bothering you?"

I sighed heavily. I didn't even know. How could I possibly answer him when I hardly knew the answer?

"I don't know."

"You can tell me anything Roxas." He said with a frown.

"I said I don't know."

"Roxas-"

"Sora," I stared at him intently. "I don't know."

He returned the stare with such intensity and determination I almost yielded to his whim. I would have, actually, had I known what my problem was. He drew closer to me, his eyes never once losing intensity until he was literally a few inches away from my face.

I didn't notice his proximity until he drew so close that the tips of our noses brushed each other gently. My numbed senses ignited with life.

"Yes," He whispered, one of his hands slipped smoothly to the back of my neck. "You can." He mashed our lips together in a long overdue kiss.

His hand pulled me closer to him, our eyes fluttered shut and our mouths joined as one. I opened my mouth wider, silently inviting his tongue inside for a little exploration, which he took without hesitation. He slipped his tongue inside, electing a dance of dominance between our tongues that I allowed him to win. He explored the wet cavern hungrily, acting as if every taste, every nook and cranny he found untouched was like the fountain of life, so he greedily took everything in with his all.

The air grew hot around us; a strong desire for passion burned deep within my body. It made me want more of this, more of him.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, molding his body against my own. His free hand came up to my chest and pushed me down against the couch. He was still on top with our lips locked passionately.

"Mmmooorrraaa." I whined, which sounded more like a muffled moan.

He grinned against my lips, pulling away from me enough so that he could absorb the fresh blush that stained my cheeks with love and pride and overdue desire.

"Are you going to tell me now?"

Before I got the chance to reply, he ravaged my mouth again, silently reminding me that it didn't matter what horrible thoughts I was thinking of. All that mattered was that he was there, that I was his and he was mine, that all my troubles were unfounded insecurities. He pulled away for air, the two of us panting breathlessly on top of the other. The sound of his pants and the deep blush that caressed his tanned cheeks brought a new wave of heat down the pit of my stomach. His panting is so erotic…

"Fine," I sighed. "You deserve to know, even if I don't really know what's going on."

He smiled. "I'm listening."

I glanced up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact with his already passionate eyes and said the first thing that came into mind, "I've… been having these weird thoughts lately… I want to blame it on jealousy or paranoia or something but… I don't know." I heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm scared."

"Scared of what? You don't have anything to be scared about, Roxas. I only have eyes for you, okay? No one will make me change my mind. If you're scared or worried about me falling in love with someone else, don't be. I love you."

"I know. And I love you, it's just…" I sighed again, already growing frustrated with my lack of understanding. "I don't know. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe I am jealous about Riku and Kairi. Maybe I'm just scared one of them might take you away. Or maybe I'm just-" Scared that you're too perfect for someone as imperfect as me.

Sora laughed lightly. He nuzzled his nose against the crook of my neck, one of his hands still resting comfortably against my chest. "Riku and Kairi are dating each other, remember? They love each other."

Silence fell between us. This time it wasn't uncomfortable like silence usually was. It was calm and warm and maybe even a bit comforting, but it didn't last long.

"We've been together for eight months and we still haven't slept together. Doesn't that bother you?"

The brunet on top of me knitted his eyebrows together, letting the rest of my words sink into his brain before he attempted again. "Is that what's really bothering you?" His frown turned into impish delight. "You've been distant because you're frustrated?" (He chuckled for a moment.) "Rox, if you were ready we—" (His cheeks grew slightly red at this) "—would have done it already."

"I—what? What do you mean by 'if I were ready'? I am ready! It's you that suggested we take it slow." I huffed in annoyance.

"You're not ready Roxas." He shook his head in concern. "Your virginity was stolen from you. I didn't want that to come and haunt you so I thought it was better we take it slow." He smiled sadly. "You still flinch when I touch you."

"I do not." I protested, but I knew he was right. I didn't like exposing my shame, my taint. And to prove his point, Sora lifted up my shirt and ran warm fingers gently down my navel. The moment the tip of his fingers came into contact with my flesh my body reacted with a jolt that he felt. The warmth of his fingers left a trail of heat that burnt my pale skin. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, like it should have been; instead it made my skin crawl with disgust and my heart race in a mixture of shame and fear.

I felt the blood drain from my face, not realizing until then what was truly bothering me.

I was tainted. I was defiled. I was corrupted, infected-used goods-worthless scrap. I didn't deserve this affection. I didn't deserve the purity of Sora's love.

"See?" He sighed again. "Don't push yourself so hard Rox. Our relationship doesn't need, um, y-you know, s-sex to survive." He blushed shyly at the way his tongue wrapped around the word.

When I said nothing in return, he snuggled against me comfortably. His nose nuzzled the crook of my neck affectionately and his hold around my body grew tight. He smiled again, pressing luscious lips against pale skin in an innocent kiss.

Silence fell between us a second time, leaving him to happily snuggle on top of me while my own thoughts traveled back and forth between screaming tainted! Tainted! and our conversation. Him being so close to me like this blocked most of the negativity swarming in my head but it wasn't enough to reassure me completely.

A loud eerie growl suddenly filled the room. A blush crept across my face in embarrassment. How the hell did I forget about eating breakfast this morning?

I felt the smile return to the brunet's face before he pulled away from me. His legs saddled around my waist and his palms rested flat against my chest.

"You still owe me a date for breaking my Dad's window, so let's grab lunch!" He beamed brightly.

Crap, I forgot about the window too!

"Alright sounds fair." I smiled.

"Great!" He kissed me lightly on the lips before getting to his feet. "Let's go!"

Nada: It's safe to say this chapter acts a little like filler for the roller coaster of angst coming ahead. Trust me, it's going to get chaotic REALLY fast. (It is a short story after all.)

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