Disclaimer: Don't own. Obviously.

Thank You to anyone that has Read/Favorite/Alerted/Reviewed the story so far!
Knowing there are readers out there keeps me updating!

Nada: Just as an FYI: I didn't forget to update in October, I chose not to since the 30th was mischief night and I figured people weren't going to read fanfiction when Halloween was so close. But here it is, the 4th chapter!

Word of Warning: Roxas's "explosion" is fast approaching.

Warnings: Minor swearing

Chapter Four

Summer is tedious. It's long, too hot to do anything and monotonous when your friends go on vacation without you. And even if they weren't they're probably too lazy to do anything fun, which is the case for me.

It's been a week and a half since I last saw my friends or Sora. With mom working extra shifts and Cloud working part-time—and Naminé gone half the time with Kairi, Olette and Selphie—the house duties fell on my shoulders.

Yeah, that's right, me.

I spent a whole week and a half cleaning up the damn house! I wasn't exaggerating either, especially since I couldn't remember the last time mom bothered to clean up the house. It wasn't intentional really; it might have been more subconscious on my part, as an excuse to hide from Sora's watchful eyes. I know I'm being unfair, especially after our whole heart-to-heart conversation about my obvious gloominess, but hiding was easier than seeing him every day and hearing the voice in my head scream. Someone as wonderful and beautiful and talented and kind and happy as Sora deserved someone so not like me. He deserved someone who wasn't tainted, who wasn't defiled, corrupted, infected. He deserved someone like… Naminé.

Damn it this stupid stain will NOT go away!

Luckily (unfortunately?) for me, today was the last day of cleaning. Today, I finally finished cleaning the bathroom—after a hellish battle with some weird creepy mold thing, three centipedes and the shower head—and soon my head wouldn't be swimming in vertigo from the excessive intake of Clorox. I have to say, I'm going to miss the hallucinations. They were pretty entertaining. Anyway, I still had one challenge left to do before my family returned home and that was the laundry.

Riiiiiiiiiing!

The living room phone sprung to life, its headache-inducing chime rang obnoxiously through the silent house. Ignoring it completely, I grabbed the clothes piled into the basket and trudged my way to the laundry room in the downstairs basement. The phone continued to ring distantly.

Riiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

Beep!

"You've reached the Uchiyama residence. We can't come to the phone right now because Cloud nii-san is a phone nazi and thinks the phone isn't for little kids to play with-"

"-he thinks we'll break it-"

"-which we won't-"

"-so please leave your name, message and phone number after the beep!"

"What was that about me being a phone nazi?"

"Nothing Cloud!"

Beep!

"Onii-chan! I know your home so pick up!" … "Onii-chan pick up!" … "Sigh—fine, ignore me. We're going to the movies today with the gang and since Sora says you haven't called him in the last three days, we're making you tag along too. We're giving you half an hour to show up on your own. If you don't, we'll have to use force. See you Roxas!" Click.

-x-X-x-

I was still doing laundry. An hour of my life gone and I was still doing laundry.

Why did Cloud have so many clothes? They weren't even in different styles!

If the washing machine hadn't decided to break down in the middle of the rinse cycle I probably would have been finished sooner. But no. The stupid thing had to break and drop a gallon load of soap and water right on the damn floor so now not only did I have to wash clothes, but now I had to mop too. Great. Just, GREAT!

By the time half the heap was done, the phone in the living room rang again—its horrible chime sounded faintly behind the basement door. Again, I chose to ignore it, deciding that finishing the clothes and mopping up the dirty floor was more important than who ever kept calling.

Beep!

"Roxas, you asshole! It's two o'clock; the movie starts in an hour! We gave you a chance but you didn't show up so now we're sending the big guns to get your sorry ass down here!"

"Hayner calm down."

"I'm just psyching him out, Olette. Don't worry."

"Oh! I have an idea, Riku why don't you go get Roxas?"

"What? Why me? He's Sora's boyfriend."

"Just do it please? For me?"

"Sigh, alright I'll get him."

"You hear that Roxas! Riku is coming to getcha so BE READY!" Click.

-x-X-x-

The clock on the VCR blinked 2:15 in the afternoon as I eyed the clean living room in triumph. After spending a week and half as a slave to my house, the work was finally done. While half the laundry was washing and the other half still drying, the fresh smell of pine lingered in the air and was sucked straight into my lungs after a deep inhale. I exhaled gladly, expelling the chemicals from my body and threw myself on the couch lazily.

I had the rest of the day to do anything I wanted without at risk of getting caught.

So… what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I wonder what would happen if I prank called Kairi…

Just then the doorbell rang, shattering the peaceful silence that fell in the living room. It rang again and again and again—whoever was ringing my doorbell like a madman was really getting on my bad side.

"Okay! Okay!" I yelled, throwing myself off the comfortable cushions and made way for the door—my fingers already wrapping around the knob quietly. Twisting it unlocked, the door swung open then slammed shut again. I paled.

"Roxas open the door!"

Why the hell is Riku Morikawa at my house?

"Riku get off my property!" I yelled and locked the door discreetly.

My eyes frantically scanned around the room for a way of escape but only the back door came into mind.

Riku sighed on the other side. I swear, I could almost hear him rolling his eyes. "Kairi sent me as a delivery boy. I'm here to take you to the movies."

Maybe I inhaled too much cleaning chemicals or something, but the way Riku's voice sounded made me think that he was asking me out on a date—which couldn't be any more wrong. But, I saw an opening I couldn't refuse.

"No offense Riku but I don't date guys with three inch dicks and girly faces." I smirked devilishly. I couldn't see the look on his face and I wish I could. I could imagine his leafy green eyes grow sharp in an agitating glare. "Come back when you're a five-foot-five brunet, 'kay?"

Silence met me on the other side and for a moment, I thought the silveret had left. It wasn't until I heard him suck in a breath did I know he was still waiting. I'm pretty sure he wanted to kill me for insulting his manhood though.

"Maybe you didn't hear me," He growled, the knob suddenly wiggling. "I was told to get you and get you is what I plan to do whether your conscious or not!" He threatened menacingly. "So if you please, open the door."

"And maybe YOU misunderstood me, I'm not going anywhere with you." I spat, putting venom on every word possible.

Riku let out a frustrated sigh—I could already imagine him running his fingers through his hair. "Alright, fine, be stubborn. You want to play cat and mouse then let's play."

"That's a weird fetish Riku, but if you want to role play that's fine by me. You be Mickey and I'll be Pete and I'll chase you off my property."

I snorted. Did I seriously say something stupid as that?

Another growl met my words. "Roxas, you have ten seconds to open this door before I come in and FORCE you out."

The tone in his voice was deep and murderous. I knew any threat he made now would be followed in promise and might actually have me ending up in the hospital, but I can't help taunting him. I have to force my agitation on someone that wasn't me.

What kind of friend would I be if I don't piss him off at least a little?

He started the countdown; I pictured his eyes burning holes through the door trying to imagine where my head would be. If I open the door now, he'll punch me in the face. If I don't open period, he'll find a way to break in and then punch me in the face. Either way, he's going to punch me. (Instantly my mind remembered the back door.)

He was nearing the end of his countdown when adrenaline jolted my body into motion. I bolted to the backdoor, ignoring the rest of his countdown, and hastily unlocked the locks. I ripped the door open, my eyes briefly glancing back in the direction of the front door, when the side of my face suddenly slammed into something soft. And by soft, I mean cloth and by something, I mean by someone.

I think I ran right into Riku's trap…

Without a word—he was too much in rage to speak coherently—the silveret pulled me forward by the arm, his body slumped down briefly and literally hurled my feet off the ground. I gasped in surprise, his arm grabbed firmly around my waist as he settled me on his broad shoulders with ease.

"This movie better be all the trouble you're putting me under." He muttered angrily. "And for the record, Roxas," (I can almost feel the venom dripping in his voice.) "Don't make fun of other people's dicks because you're too impotent to get it up."

Outrage flared throughout my body like molten lava, but its intensity was soon swallowed by pain and shame. My voice died before I could even think of using it and the two of us plunged into a heated silence. I forced my mind blank to no avail. Riku's words continued to echo within my subconscious.

-x-X-x-

We finally reached the movie theaters ten minutes later with everyone having already bought their tickets. We found them waiting outside the theater, Pence and Naminé already inside while the rest greeted us happily.

"Nice of you to show up," Hayner said with a smirk. "What took you so long?"

"Chores," I shrugged, cerulean blue eyes coming across another pair of ocean blue eyes that lit up with a smile. "Sorry I haven't called since Monday. The bathroom needed a lot of cleaning."

"That bad huh?" the brunet grinned cheerfully. He didn't sound as happy as he probably should have been. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes and I was starting to believe that Sora was becoming more and more worried about me. "Well you're here now and that's all that matters."

"We better hurry. The movie is about to start." Olette warned, following Hayner into the dark theater.

"What movie are we watching anyway?" I whispered once we found the row Pence and Naminé occupied.

Kairi and Riku slipped past Pence, taking the last two seats closest to the wall. Beside Naminé sat Olette then Hayner and Sora, leaving me with the aisle seat.

"Uh, I'm not sure."

I blinked. "You're not sure?"

"Well Kairi and Naminé kinda dragged me out of bed this morning screaming something about having a plan to go to the movies." Sora shrugged sheepishly. "I guess it was kind of spur of the moment.

I nodded silently, turning my eyes back to the screen already playing upcoming movie trailers. My thoughts wandered away from the movie and back to what Sora had said. Spur of the moment? Kairi and Naminé?

This was a trap.

I don't know for what or why, but I knew my sister long enough to know that "spur of the moments" were actually well thought out plans that took weeks to plan out perfectly, all usually with the same end result of something funny happening. Kairi was the same except her schemes normally involved some sort of sexual innuendo. Yeah, Kairi had her inner pervert moments just like the rest of us.

I'm starting to think there's something more to this movie than what meets the eye and we're the poor bastards trapped in their plan.

Only minutes into the movie, paranoia struck me harder than a brick smacking in your face. The thoughts of Kairi and Naminé concocting an evil plan on all of us fed into the paranoia beast, setting my senses on high alert to the point I got too jumpy for my own good.

"I'll be right back." I muttered into Sora's ear.

I was about to stand and leave when his hand grabbed a hold around my wrist urgently. I looked back into his eyes, catching glassy blue orbs staring pleadingly into my own.

"Don't leave, you just got here." He whispered quietly. His grip grew tight as if to enforce how important it was for me to say.

I stared at him for a moment, my resolve slowly shattering at the pleading look in his ocean blue eyes. He looked so helpless and sad with those eyes that I couldn't say no. I had to stay if only for him.

It made me feel guilty for avoiding him the last week and a half.

With a sigh, I leaned back into my chair, a small smile gracing my lips. He returned the smile then leaned over the arm rest to lay his head against my shoulder, the sweet scent of cinnamon teasing my senses once more.

I'd take Sora's scent over pine any day.

-x-X-x-

It turned out the movie was exactly what I had expected it to be: a chick flick. I don't know how they did it, but Kairi and Naminé swindled us into a triple-plus-two-way date. I think the worst part was how I knew they had more plans hidden up their sleeves. As if the movie wasn't bad enough.

Okay I admit it the movie wasn't that bad, maybe a little corny but at least it was funny. When the movie reached another slow in the plot, my eyes decided to wander down our row.

Hayner had fallen asleep in the first thirty minutes of the movie; Olette was completely absorbed into the film and ignored him. Pence, not surprisingly, was the same as Olette, except he'd snap back to reality whenever he got hungry or thirsty. Naminé, on the other hand, thought spying on me was much more interesting than the movie. (She stuck out her tongue teasingly when she noticed my scowl.) Past her, shrouded by the cover of darkness, Riku's silver hair gleamed ghostly under the movie light. He moved his head in slow rhythmic patterns, looking completely psychotic in my mind when a flash of wine red locks caught my eye.

Oh gross he's frenching Kairi in public! I think I'm gonna hurl!

"Hey what's wrong? What are you staring at?" Sora's voice brought me back to reality like it always did.

I stared back at the movie screen without a word, but Sora always hated my silence. He glanced back at the others, eyes widening in surprise at the kissing couple, but his surprise died in seconds, making way for another emotion that only confused me. He looked… concerned?

He was concerned about their kissing? That doesn't make any sense.

Wait a minute, does that mean he has feelings for one of them? Or BOTH?

My rationality slapped paranoia away and was soon replaced with a mixture of poison and hatred. This time, I knew who the hatred was pointed toward and I knew what emotion the poison was.

I was envious. Envious of how lucky Riku and Kairi were able to happily make out in public without any regrets; envious of how Hayner and Olette were able to hold hands and flirt without flinching or shame. I was envious of how every one of them, including my twin, had a happy childhood memory they could share with laughs and smiles. I was envious of their happiness, envious of their innocence.

They weren't defiled.

They weren't corrupted.

They don't know what I went through. They don't understand silentium and they never will. No one will. I deserved happiness almost as much as they did so why was I the only one suffering this hollow existence? What made them so lucky? What gave them the right to happiness?

Envy outweighed my hatred and envy turned into pain. My heart suddenly exploded with adrenaline and fear. It pounded frantically in my chest, like it wanted nothing more than to escape its internal imprisonment and stole the breath right out of my lungs.

I hated being here. I hated their freedom. I hated their happiness. I hated it, hated it, hated it!

Why can't I be free?

"I have to go." I managed to squeak and made my grand escape.

"Wait! Where are you going? Roxas!"

"Bathroom. Don't follow."

A part of me hoped he listened to me for once, but Sora always had a bad habit of doing the opposite of what he was told.

Running out of the theater earned me a few stares from the strangers walking by but I ignored them completely and took refuge in the male's restroom.

The panic that rocked through my body and squeezed the air out of my lungs subsided a little in the freedom of the bathroom. My stomach felt queasy from the sudden explosion of anxiety and nausea tickled the back of my throat, but there was nothing in my stomach to dispel so it didn't last long. I forced myself to stop, to blank my mind of the dark thoughts that continued to flash through my head.

It wasn't fair. I wasn't being fair. I shouldn't feel envious, everyone had a right to their own happiness, I shouldn't be angry. I shouldn't feel hurt. I shouldn't, I have no reason to. I need to move on. I need to let go. Why can't I let go? Why did it bother me so much? Why did I have to be tainted? Why do I have to live with this pain?

I hate him. I hate her. I hate them for what they did to me, for ruining my life, for stealing my childhood, for defiling my existence-for destroying me.

Silentium was easier to deal with when it was just me alone hiding in the darkness of my own fear. I didn't have friends to worry about. I didn't have love to hurt. Standing in the face of happiness with friends who care about you and someone who loves you more than life itself made silentium unbearable. It was painful. Too painful. I rather be numb. I rather be dead.

"Damn it! Even in jail the man still finds a way to harass me." I sighed, resting my palms against the slick surface of the sink. I hung my head forward. "Pathetic. Why am I so weak?"

A pair of tanned arms wrapped around my torso, a round face buried itself into my back in a form of comfort. "I told you to stop pushing yourself so hard."

I couldn't resist the flinch at his touch. It made the anxiety in my heart intensify for only a moment. "And I told you not to follow me." I murmured without opening my eyes or raising my head. "Did you think I wouldn't come back?"

He sighed against my back; his grip grew tight around my chest. "No. I was afraid you'd do something you might regret. You're impulsive sometimes."

"I wasn't going to cut my skin open or anything like that, Sor. Just because I'm scared and depressed and so damn pissed doesn't mean I was going to do something irrational!" I snapped angrily, pounding one of my fists on the counter top.

Silence descended around us soon after. I was drowning in my hurricane of emotions. Sora seemed completely unaffected by all of it.

He was the first to move after my outcry, one of his hands slowly reached for the collar of my shirt. His tanned fingers gripped the edge of the collar and pulled it down slowly to reveal pale skin underneath.

The silence persisted, tempting me to break down in insanity when something moist and warm came over my neck. My head jerked upward instantly, granting Sora more access to my flesh as he kissed and nipped the skin affectionately.

"Wh-what are you-?" I gasped, my breath hitching suddenly when his teeth scrapped lightly against my neck, threatening to mark me his. It made me feel guilty, because I could only give him half of who I was, but it was that half that hungered for him.

I sighed softly, craning my neck further to the side as he licked, nipped, sucked and scrapped against my heated flesh hungrily. His kissing warped me into euphoric ecstasy—thoroughly distracting me from my growing anxiety. While his lips skimmed across my flesh and luscious plumped lips kissed softly on the bruising skin, Sora's hand shifted down from my chest to my stomach and under my shirt in seconds.

His warm hand made contact with my flesh, the muscles in my stomach already seized into a flinch, but he ignored it, just as I ignored the faint prickling of pain on my upper back. Sora hummed lightly, forcing my lids to flutter downward in pleasure that rippled through my veins like waves on water.

He was only kissing my neck, and despite the faint prickle of pain on my backside and the unpleasant memories assaulting my mind, it felt so damn good I didn't want him to stop. I could almost feel my stress melt away with every flick of his tongue, every caress, every soft tantalizing touch from a moist muscle. I wanted more. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be like Riku and Kairi, who could love without regret and Hayner and Olette, who could love with their all. I wanted more of Sora.

My thoughts exploded through the haze of growing lust, questions and insecurities threatened to mound on top of the other as I pressed my back further into him, his crotch quickly brushing up behind me. It all melted away, though, the moment a moan slipped from my mouth, loud and passionate and completely accidental but Sora didn't mind.

He hummed his approval, slipping warm hands further down my stomach—passed my navel.

Pleasure instantly turned to fear and fear turned to panic.

My muscles stiffened under his touch, but I bit my tongue in silence. I didn't want this to end anymore than he did, so I left his hand roam above my skin, caressing me in light as a feather soothing rhythmic patterns, each stroke going lower and lower but never dared to reach the hemming of my pants. Anxiety settled into my chest again, the illicit memories of last summer, of a nightmare I thought I dealt with, replayed inside my head.

My scars started to burn.

"Don't force yourself Roxas." The brunet reminded me, hot breath tickling my sensitive flesh. "I'll stop if you want me to."

I didn't want him to stop, oh god how I wanted him to go on…

But we didn't have a choice in that matter. He did stop, not because I said so and it was definitely against his own will, he stopped because at that moment Riku and Pence decided to walk in.

I spun around within Sora's arms in order to face the door, but the tiles were wet from drippy sink water. I lost my footing mid-spin and I toppled to the ground in an instant. My hand, out of habit, tried to grab something to keep myself from falling, but all I could get a grasp of was Sora's pants… and they fell down with me. They pooled around his ankles the same time Pence and Riku spotted us. They stopped in their tracks.

Sora's face must have been as red as mine felt.

"Um," I managed, though my embarrassment threatened to choke my suddenly dry throat. "This is really not what it looks like."

"Ye-yeah…" Sora laughed weakly. "It's u-um…"

Riku raised his hands with a shrug. "We didn't see anything."

Pence nodded his head frantically, his own cheeks turning pink. He tried to walk out of the bathroom, but just like me, his sneakers slipped on the wet tiles and he skidded into Riku. He knocked the third year into the trash can and they both collapsed unceremoniously to the ground. The trash can fell over with them, littering garbage all over Riku's head.

"Oh come on!" the third year yelled in dismay. "Can this day get any worse?"

As if through the cruel twist of Fate, someone opened the bathroom door. Sora, who was already embarrassed enough, tried to pull up his forgotten pants when the person who opened the door suddenly growled a very familiar throaty growl that reminded me vividly of Cloud back when we were kids and he was going through his PMS-ing stage. (Cloud likes to pretend he didn't act like a girl on her period when he was ten.)

"Cloud?" I yelped, well it sounded more like a squeak but whatever. Sora jumped away from me in an instant, his pants back in place, but his face still red as a tomato. I climbed to my feet just as quickly and straightened out my disheveled clothes. I prayed to the higher powers that be that Sora didn't leave a love bite on my neck.

If I had one, I wasn't going to risk it. I slapped my hand over the tender skin that Sora had just so lovingly assaulted mere seconds ago, yet the damage was already done. Cloud had a good twenty seconds to stare and gawk before I covered it up. He pushed the door open further—once everyone else managed to stand—and stepped quietly into the bathroom.

He eyed everyone else head to toe, excusing Pence who looked too confused and innocent and Riku, who was busy trying to pull snot covered tissue paper out of his hair. He ignored Sora completely (Of course because nothing is ever Sora's fault.) then glared daggers into my skull.

"I'm not going to ask, but whatever happened is your fault." cue in level ten accusing glare.

"I wasn't doing anything Cloud." I scoffed. "We just tripped and ended up that way."

My dear brother was not convinced.

"Honest sir," Pence chimed in his best 'innocent little boy' voice. (I can't believe he called my stiff ass brother sir.) "The-the floor is wet. We all just...slipped."

"Of course," Riku added bitterly.

Cloud accepted the explanation without question—probably because of Riku being covered in god knows what—but his glaring never ceased. Instead, he kept glaring daggers into my hand as if expecting it to spontaneously catch fire.

When we were younger and my mom started her job as a nurse, my brother took it upon himself to make sure my sister and I got the things we needed. He became like a second parent to us instead of a brother. He was especially over protected about us dating, even more so now after what happened last summer. You'd think he'd be okay because this was sweet and innocent Sora Leonhart, the little brother to his best friend, but my gut thought otherwise. So I came up with an excuse to cover us.

"I hurt myself earlier with, um, a door knob." Not exactly the best excuse in the world, I could have come up with something better but he was starting to creep me out a little.

Even my friends thought the excuse was utter bullshit: Pence stifled a laugh; Sora blushed another shade of red; Riku snorted with a role of leaf green eyes and Cloud cocked a blonde eyebrow.

"Is that the best you can come up with?"

I blanched. "Clooouuud!" I whined. God Roxas! Will you GROW A PAIR! "I mean—what the hell are you doing here? I thought you had work."

My brother rolled his enchanting blue eyes at me. "It's my day off." He answered lazily. "Shouldn't you be at home playing Cinderella?" (Riku laughed loudly.) "Where's your sister? Is she here too?"

"She was the one who invited me, dad." I purposely spat the last word for emphasis.

Cloud's eye twitched in agitation.

"We should get back to the movie." Sora suggested, grabbing my wrist in the process.

"Hold it!" Cloud ordered, stopping the brunet from leaving the bathroom. "You two, out." He growled to Pence and Riku. They complied without any questions and left us to die under my brother's stare of ultimate death. Then came the second order: "Start talking."

Suddenly it was like a switch flipped on in my head. "It's none of your business Cloud!" I snapped. Did I mention it was my bratty brother switch that flipped?

"Cut the crap Roxas. It's every much my business as it is yours." He pinched the bridge of his nose a la Leon in frustration; a sign that my brother has been hanging out with the brunet far too much. He sighed again, blue eyes shifting toward the sheepishly blushing Sora. "And Squall thinks you're the innocent one."

The teen coughed uncomfortably at this and looked away from those intense electric blue eyes. This was a sign of his own, one that I don't really see much. It meant that something was bothering him and he'd rather not talk about it—now that was weird. Maybe Sora doesn't like to be referred as the "innocent one" after all?

Cloud and I eyed each other like two hostile animals claiming territory, blue on blue, hostility against hostility, blonde against blonde—the air grew heavy with tension. "The two of us are going to have a long talk when we get home." He growled. I rolled my eyes, brushing off his threat completely.

After a couple of seconds of another stare down, my brother finally left us alone in the bathroom. I huffed angrily; thankful the nosey brother was finally gone but the expression on Sora's face told me there was something troubling him.

I frowned; worry already etching its way into my eyes. It was always bad when Sora looked troubled about something.

He must have read my mind because the next thing I knew, he had a hand behind his head, nervously scratching at the chocolate spikes. "Um Roxas, there's something I have to tell you about me." He paused hesitantly but I urged him on. "Uh, well, you know how you sometimes think I'm innocent?"

I nodded thoroughly confused (my stomach unconsciously twisted sickeningly with regret.)

"Well…" He hesitated. "I'm kind of not."

I blinked. "Huh?" I managed intelligently. "What?"

"I'm not a virgin, Rox." He admitted quickly, eyes darting every which way but mine.

I blinked again, completely ignoring the triple back flip my stomach did and asked the one question I wish I never asked. "Oh. Well that's okay; virginity isn't such a big deal anyway right?" He smiled weakly at me. "Who did you give it to?"

I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't want to know. The past is in the past and the past should stay in the past, but… curiosity killed the cat.

"Don't-don't get mad, okay? It happened by accident a really long time ago."

"Who did you give it to?" I asked again, this time with a smile that hid the turmoil raging inside my body.

Sora bit his lower lip nervously, but shook his head with resigned strength. "Olette." He said clearly.

My stomach did a 180 back flip, turned inside out, ripped apart and spewed out gallons of acidic stomach acid that ate away my organs until there was nothing left but pools of blood—Someone kill me NOW!

The image of the brunette laughing at one of Hayner's jokes flashed through my mind.

The image of the brunette holding hands with Hayner flashed through my mind.

The image of her concerned green eyes, the worry that was so evident on her face that time at the beach-everything about her that I had grown close to as a friend suddenly shattered.

I felt horribly betrayed.

To be honest, I expected Kairi. Hell, I expected Riku, but Olette? Olette DicCicco? Hayner's girlfriend? Naminé's best friend? The girl everyone thought was funny, kind, smart and friendly? The girl everybody thought couldn't possibly do anything stupid like I could? The girl who sat next to me on the beach and told me the meaning of the word "Fine"? The girl who said she understood sadness, the girl who said I could always talk to her, the girl who didn't UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH-THAT OLETTE DICCICCO?

Fuck flipping stomachs. Fuck racing hearts threatening to burst out of your chest and FUCK forever burning pain from year old scars! The pain of having your heart ripped straight out of your chest, thrown on the floor and stomped into a pile of mush and blood by pairs of steel toed leather boots and then covered in 30 gallons of burning acid hurt so much more than anything I ever felt before. Add to that, jealousy exploded through my body like toxic venom—if only it could kill me right then and there.

I wish I stayed home being a slave to the cleaning and slowly working my way to lung cancer with all that inhaling of toxic chemicals.

I wonder how long would it take for a bottle of Lysol to kill me?

And suddenly, so suddenly, just as my anxiety exploded within my chest and my heart hammered like a jack hammer against my rib cage, it all stopped. My thoughts, my emotions, my queasy stomach-everything vanished.

I went numb.

"Roxas!"

I jumped involuntarily. "Huh? Sorry what?" Olette doesn't deserve happiness. She doesn't understand what you went through. So why does she get to have everything her heart desires?

My heart should have panged. My stomach should have flipped, but I felt nothing. Not even the soft murmurs of tainted that riddled through my mind brought forth any pain or poison or emotion. I was just empty.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yeah, I heard you." Hearing it once was enough. Hearing it again would only kill me. "S-so, um," I hate myself for asking, but I needed to know. "Was it good? I mean—NO! I don't care about that! I meant to ask, was it a one-night kind of thing or…?" was it consensual sex because the two of you are so helplessly in love with each other and this relationship of ours is only an illusion created through my fucked up imagination?

I'm on the verge of losing it. I can sense the mental break down coming up at me in full speed but he doesn't make eye contact with me. Not once! Why isn't he looking at me?

Is he ashamed?

Or—oh god—is it because he realized then and there that he's in love with a brunette second year and not a spiky haired blonde?

It's because I'm blonde right? Too common, too plain, too 'been there done that'.

No, he'd never break up because of that. Is it because we're going too slow? If he's not a virgin then he must be coping with sexual frustration and I'm being too fucking slow for his taste!

Or worse, maybe it's my scars? It's the scars right! It's always because of the scars. It scares people. It's ugly, it's big and sometimes I wish I could just rip off my skin and shred it to pieces so it was like that word never even existed.

My thoughts are going hysterical.

I should have been panicking. I should have been angry. I should have been feeling something. But my thoughts held no context, no emotion, nothing.

Have I lost my mind?

"We were drunk." He sighed. "Riku threw a party and it was the first time we had any alcohol. It was…really stupid. She cried about it for days, but that's all it was, I promise."

"Oh." It didn't bother me. I didn't feel heartbroken, annoyed, angered, betrayed, relieved-I felt nothing. Almost like… it didn't matter. "We should probably get back to the movie…"

"Yeah, good idea!" He chirped a little too happily, his hand automatically reached out for my own.

I flinched. Horribly. I never used to flinch when he held my hand. But I did, and he noticed, but he ignored it and held my hand as gently as he could, as if I was some delicate glass ornament.

We left the bathroom in silence and returned to the movie in the same silence, but unlike the rest of them, I couldn't focus on the movie anymore. The comedy suddenly didn't seem so funny and all the romantic crap seemed void and lack-luster. I lost interest. I lost focus.

My mind was the only thing functioning. And the only word that filtered through it was:

Numb

Nada: This chapter was really up and down with emotion, I think. One minute it's happy the next, Roxas is having a panic attack. I feel trauma for Roxas starts now, but soon, the rage will come.

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