Thank you for reading!

Nada: 2012 is going to be a busy year, I can feel it in my aching bones. Oh look, it's the next installment of Coinquinatus! I still haven't figured out how this story will end and I've begun to debate whether or not it'll be a happy one too. I guess we'll have to see!

Warnings: Minor swearing

Chapter Five

I don't know how I do it or where I get the strength, but I do. I got through the day like nothing was ever wrong. We pretended nothing ever happened in the bathroom. We acted as though everything was right in the world and maybe to Sora it really was, but to me, my whole world was spiraling into oblivion. I hide it like an Oscar winning actor, but I was reaching my limit.

If I didn't leave soon, I would blow up from the pressure.

I hadn't felt like this since my nightmarish summer last year. Only, I think this was worse. Last time, I had nothing to lose. This time, it felt like I had lost the world.

Kairi and Naminé had more plans for us when the movie ended. Figured they would. The deal was to go to the movies then grab some early dinner and spend the rest of the day hanging out in the Usual Spot. Maybe by the end of the day, something "magical and romantic" would happen. I'm serious, Kairi said those exact words. But being practical, the only thing that would happen was a big fat nada. Yet everyone else seemed up for it. I couldn't turn it down even if I tried.

So imagine my utter relief when Cloud's motorcycle pulled up to the curve on our way to dinner. No words were exchanged; he pulled up, gestured for me to hop on and ignored the various disappointed groans. Sora tried to use his infamous puppy dog pout on the stiff ass that is my brother to no avail. He ignored Naminé's pleading and the own abuse of her own angelic baby sister act, his own stubbornness radiated like the sun and soon, everyone got the message. He wasn't having it this time.

It was at times like this I was thankful Cloud was so stubborn. I didn't even say goodbye when I hopped behind my brother and wrapped my arms around his waist. I ignored all eye contact and pretended to act ashamed at my brother's stubbornness.

"Nii-san this isn't fair!" Naminé cried in another attempt to bend Cloud's will. "We all had plans! There's only a few days left of summer, do you really want to deprive Roxas of his freedom before school starts?" She pouted cutely.

I had to suppress the snort that bubbled in my throat. What freedom did I have? I lost my freedom ages ago. Why couldn't she realize that?

Cloud sighed again and went off on another explanation as to why he wouldn't allow me to walk away from my punishment this time. He doesn't see what my twin is doing. She's trying to stall, to make Cloud gradually forget what he wanted from me by working up an argument. She would have had her way too, Hayner was already starting to look on edge with all this arguing and Sora looked like he was about to join in on the fight.

He probably would have had he gotten the chance. My eyes made the mistake of falling onto Olette. She was staring at me again, her own green eyes filled with worry-with sympathy; with pity.

Something stirred within the numbness of my body. It was a feeling I was steadily growing accustomed to. Without any other emotion clouding my mind, this feeling, this rage boiled through my blood like chaotic fire. And at the very root of this rage, I felt Envy devouring my core.

I suddenly despised the way she looked at me with those pitiful eyes.

I don't need your sympathy.

I don't need your sorrow!

Uncontrolled rage reached the surface of my skin. I tore my eyes away from Olette's stare and glared daggers into Naminé. I couldn't contain it; I had to let it go.

So I did.

"For the love of God, Naminé, WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" I screamed, startling my sister as well as everyone else. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I WANT TO GO HOME?"

"I…I…" She was at a loss for words. Her eyes were big and wide and full with growing tears.

My rage dwindled only slightly at the sight of her startled expression. I didn't feel guilty, like I should have. Or embarrassed that I lost my temper in the way I did. I was just tired, tired of the internal fighting, tired of the external lies. I wanted to go home more than ever and pray I would never wake up from my sleep.

"We'll see you at home imouto." Cloud told her. He revved up his bike so that the engine shattered the stunned silence. With a jerk, we flew down the street and made way home.

-x-X-x-

I'm not exactly sure what time we got home or how long Cloud spent lecturing me about STIs and being respectful about what's an appropriate time for a blowjob or not. I don't even remember how I managed to get up the stairs and into my room. But I do remember that was when my inner turmoil finally manifested itself physically. I didn't care if Cloud was downstairs, the rage, the envy, the jealousy and despair; they all unleashed itself from the numbness of my heart and exploded across my chest like a bomb.

I wanted to scream, to yell, to cry, but no sound wanted to rip from my throat like it did when I yelled at Naminé. So I did the next best thing. I trashed my room.

School books flew into the air; clothes were ripped out of my closet and tossed carelessly to the floor. I tipped over my night stand; smashed my lamp against the wall and ripped my drawers off their rollers from my dresser.

(In all the while, my mind kept screaming.)

I didn't stop when my room's floor vanished from sight.

I didn't stop when I stepped on the broken lamp and tore open the skin beneath my feet.

I didn't stop when the blood from my wound stained my floor and clothes red.

I didn't stop until my eyes blurred with tears and the only thing I saw through them was a disgruntled, red faced blonde boy staring angrily at me through the mirror.

The rage instantly shifted toward the reflection. The rage I felt for Olette's betrayal; the jealousy I had for Riku and Kairi; the envy I felt from my friend's happiness; it all shifted toward the mirror image staring back at me with murder in his unrecognizable blue eyes.

I suddenly hated him. And he hated me.

I ripped the mirror off the wall and smashed it hard on the ground, ignoring the shards that scattered across the floor. I fell to my knees, falling on top of a few pieces that I'm sure probably sank into my skin and smashed my fists into the remnants of the mirror. I wanted to destroy all traces of that blonde boy's reflection.

Everything was his fault.

If he hadn't been so stupid-if he hadn't been so careless-if he hadn't been so weak-none of this would have happened. None of this would have happened!

I smashed the mirror until every piece of glass were either stained red or too far spread to reflect any trace of that blonde haired boy. My rage drained me of energy and I was left slouching over a broken mirror, panting for breath. I guess I never realized how much emotion I was holding back until now.

Worst yet, I still couldn't feel the throbbing pain from any of my wounds. I knew I was bleeding, badly at that, but I couldn't feel it. Not even when I stared into the cuts and pulled out shards of glass did I flinch. I should have been scared. Not being able to feel pain was a definite sign that something was wrong, right? I would have believed that I was dead, but the rivers of red that ran down my hands told me a different story.

I was very much alive. Numb, but alive. And I had a mess to take care of.

I hope I don't get stitches for this.

-x-X-x-

"Oh my god Roxas! What happened to your hands?"

Of all the days in summer, my mom chose today to come home early.

It was around seven, Cloud had decided to fix us some dinner when my mom walked into the living room. Of course, being a nurse, the first thing she saw were my bandaged hands gradually staining red.

"The mirror in my room fell when I was trying to move my dresser." the lie rolled off my tongue so easily that I wasn't surprised she believed me.

The mother inside her quickly unrolled the stained bandages for the nurse inside her to take over as she examined every wound. She hurried up the stairs for the first aid kit in the bathroom then returned again to dab alcohol on every cut. I didn't wince, flinch or hiss at the burn that was supposed to sting my cuts. I just sat there and watched.

"You have to be careful Rox. That's dangerous to deal with. Why didn't you get your brother to help you clean up? CLOUD GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!" She screamed (that made me wince. Her voice can get screechy when she screams.)

Cloud appeared by the living room entrance looking as stony as ever. He eyed the newly brought bandages and the growing pile of bloody alcohol soaked cotton balls before he pieced two things together. He sighed, stepping further into the living room to get a better view of my wounded hands.

"How could you let your baby brother hurt himself like this? He's lucky he doesn't need stitches!"

"I went to the store for food mom." Cloud exhaled. "By the time I got back, he already had the mess cleaned up."

Mom huffed, obviously disappointed at the both of us but she said nothing more. She finished wrapping my hands, grabbed the dirty pile of cotton balls and followed my brother into the kitchen. She didn't even notice the bandage on my foot.

-x-X-x-

Naminé was too angry with me to even notice the mayhem I wreaked upon myself. When she came home, she marched straight up to her room and slammed the door shut. I ignored her, like I did everything else, and took a page out of her book of Brattitude. I crawled into bed and remained under the covers for days on end.

I lost track of time at some point. My calendar said I had only a week of summer vacation left. I hated this week the most…

Today was the day we were supposed to get our schedules for the upcoming school year, which would probably explain why my cell phone was ringing non-stop. I'm not going to pretend I didn't know who was calling either. After all, it was only three days ago that I snapped at Naminé, but three days wasn't enough to cool me down. I was still angry, not so much at him or Olette anymore, but I wasn't in the mood to pretend that everything was right in the world.

Then again, this constant ringing was AGGRAVATING ME!

With a frustrated groan, I pulled off the covers and reached across the nightstand for my cell phone. I brought it toward my ear, not bothering to check collar ID and said, "Can you be any more annoying! Jeez!"

"Well maybe if you picked up your phone for once, I wouldn't have to call you like a mad man. Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for days!"

"I would assume after the third day that you'd get the hint that I'm avoiding you."

"I know you're avoiding me and I'm not going to pretend I don't know why either, but Roxas, you're acting ridiculous. I know you're angry that we didn't tell you, but to be fair, it's not like we really remembered what happened either."

"Mhm, sure," I muttered, not really caring what his excuses were. I ignored the rest of the conversation and picked up the school letter Mom had dropped off in my room before work. I ripped off the top of the envelope and pulled out the school letter along with my schedule for next year and the locker combination.

I heard Sora sigh on the other line. He sounded frustrated, which was a first for me. He didn't usually get frustrated with anything, but I guess it's a first time for everything!

"Roxas we need to talk."

"Do we?" I asked, still only half-listening. I'm going to miss Foods this year. That was such a fun class.

"Yes, we do. I'm not going to let you sit up in your room doing things you might regret. So yes, we. Are. Talking!"

Oh, ho, ho! What is this? Is Sora Irino, the nicest guy on the face of the universe, actually angry? At me? What a shock!

I laughed at him, it held no amusement and sounded hallow in my ears like the phony laugh that it was. It stopped him effectively in his tracks and the phone fell silent on his end, yet I could still hear the faint chimes of a chain clinking against chain. Was he walking somewhere? I shrugged. Probably to Riku's house.

"I hate to break it to you Sor-Sor, but I'm not home. I'm out of town for the rest of the summer."

He scoffed. "That's a load of a bull and you know it Roxas." I suddenly sat up in shock. Did he just…?

"I know you well enough to know that whenever you're upset about something, you hide under the covers for days on end. And getting you out is harder than pulling a turtle out of its shell, so whether you like it or not, WE'RE TALKING!"

Beep! The line went dead.

"Right," I scoffed to myself, throwing the cell phone over my shoulder carelessly and crossed my arms. "We'll see about that."

The bell suddenly rang.

My blood froze.

There was no one left in the house except for me. Naminé had gone out with the girls again and Cloud had left early for work. It was just me and my thoughts left.

The bell rang again.

I scoffed again and pulled the blankets over my head. "You're not getting me out of this room Sora!" I yelled at no one in particular because there was no way he would be able to hear me from the second floor.

The bell rang a few more times until silence finally spread throughout the house. I poked my head out of the covers, silently wondering if it was safe to when something crashed into the bedroom window. I jumped, startled from the sudden attack and fell harshly out of the bed. With a thud, I landed on my shoulder painfully, or would have been painfully if I could feel the pain. The wounds on my hands hadn't exactly healed all the way yet and still bled sometimes when I applied too much pressure.

A few feet away from my bed, I spotted the offending rock that assaulted my window. My brow twitched in irritation.

After picking myself up from the floor, I drew back the curtains and opened the broken window. Standing in the middle of the empty street was the spiky haired brunet, a smug smile stretched across his face.

"Open the door!" He yelled.

"Did you just throw a rock through my window?"

I couldn't see it from where I stood, but I bet he rolled his eyes. "You started it."

"You THREW a ROCK THROUGH MY WINDOW!" I cried again, still too shocked to comprehend anything else.

"I think we already established that."

My jaw went slack in an instant. Another dose of shock ran through my system. "Are you… are you… did you just use sarcasm?" Who is this person?

Since when did Sora Irino use sarcasm? What kind of topsy-turvy world have I fallen into? Oh God, am I in the twilight zone?

"Can you please just open the door?" he begged. "We really need to talk."

I contemplated my options for a moment. Ignoring him now would be too risky. He might surprise me by being able to climb up the porch and through my broken window. Or I could make his life easier by just letting him through the front door. I mulled it over for a moment, but decided it'd be much less risky to have him use the front door. Sora didn't deserve to hurt himself trying to climb my house anyway.

"Fine," I sighed and left for the door.

Once he was inside, I led him up the stairs toward my room and sat on my bed with my arms crossed. "You owe me a new window, by the way."

"I know. I'm sorry." he smiled sheepishly. "But you were going to ignore me otherwise. I had to get your attention somehow."

"Get to the point Sora; I'm still angry at you." It wasn't entirely true. Having him here with me now made me realize that I really wasn't angry at him anymore. I didn't even have a lingering thread of resentment toward him like I thought I would. I was still angry, but it was toward myself. I was angry at my own pettiness.

It bothered me more that Sora bothered to waste his time with me when he had friends that needed him the most.

"It still hurts, you know." He confessed. "Knowing what happened to you, it hurts. It hurts all of us, especially me. No one deserves to go through what you went through and watching you deal with it by yourself, watching you tear yourself from the inside out, it hurts all of us. If anyone deserves happiness, it's you Roxas."

I looked away from him, unable to stare him straight in the eye. My heart sped anxiously in my chest like it always did when someone brought up my nightmare.

"You said it didn't bother you."

"It's not your scars that bother me. It's-Roxas, what happened to your hands?"

I suddenly blanched. I had to take my bandages off because they were getting too itchy for comfort. The cuts had already clotted, revealing the damage my tantrum had done to my hands. The fall that I had sustained just a few minutes ago, aggravated one of my cuts, making it bleed again.

Sora grabbed my wrists and examined both my hands with horror.

"What happened?" He gasped. His blue eyes jumped from hand to hand, until finally, they rested on my face.

"Oh, um, it was an accident. My mirror broke." It was harder to lie to Sora's face than it was when he was on the phone.

I should have been nervous, the way his eyebrows knitted together. I should have been scared, the way his blue eyes flashed with suspicion. I should have been completely freaked out the moment he dropped my hands from his grip. But if I wanted to be honest with myself, I couldn't feel any of it.

"Was it accidental or on purpose?" He asked his voice suspecting.

I can't be mad at him for not trusting me. If he knew exactly what I did, he'd have every reason to not trust me anymore. If he found out exactly why I did it, I'm screwed.

"It was accidental, alright?" I mirrored his frown. "Go ahead and don't trust me. Have I ever given you a reason to suspect me of anything?"

He looked at me blankly, as though I had just asked him a seriously stupid question.

"Don't bring up the train incident," I grumbled. "That was completely subconscious."

"Why?" He asked. He tilted his head sideways to show his curiosity. "Why was that subconscious, Roxas? Was this subconscious too?"

I sighed. I was getting tired of these insinuations everyone was doing lately. "I am not a cutter, Sora."

"Not consciously," he grumbled.

"Not ever," I snapped. "Didn't you come here to talk because I certainly don't remember lecturing being part of it."

Sora sighed in defeat and sat down beside me.

"I'm sorry. It's just… we're all really worried about you. Riku said he saw what you did on the train. How you grabbed your arm so tightly that your arm started bleeding. It bothered him that you didn't even feel it." He bit his lower lip again, worry replacing suspicion. "And now this?" He grabbed my right hand gently; a few of his fingers ran over clotted wounds. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I'm not!"-stupid question-"I told you it's subconscious!"-you should know the answer to that Sora.

I knew the answer to that question, but Sora didn't know and he didn't need to know. I wasn't going to confess the truth. I would much rather take it to the grave.

"Why don't you believe me?" I asked him.

I wasn't hurt that he didn't believe me. I wasn't bothered that he didn't trust me. I was still much too numb to really feelany of my emotions at the moment.

Sora entwined his fingers into mine and stared me straight in the eyes. "You're not alone, not anymore. Remember that promise I made last year? I intend to keep it, even if I have to protect you from yourself."

My eyes suddenly widened in horror. "Oh no, you're not going to tell Cloud are you?"

"If it prevents you from "subconsciously" hurting yourself then yes, I'm going to tell him. This is serious Roxas. Even if you didn't mean to, you're subconsciously hurting yourself."

"That's not nearly as bad as what Cloud is gonna do to me once you tell him!" I cried. "He'll subconsciously murder me!"

"I'll leave flowers at your funeral."

I groaned, falling into the mattress in defeat. I buried my face beneath my hands, completely forgetting the trail of blood that dried against my wrist. If Cloud thought I was even remotely depressed, I'm dead. He'll watch me like a hawk until the day I graduate college. He'll take away all the forks and knives from the kitchen and I'll get stuck using those stupid plastic utensils! They can't even cut paper! Sora can't tell him! He'll-suddenly, my mind wandered back to earlier before when a rock had flown into my window.

Sora broke my window.

I sat up unexpectedly, startling the brunet beside me. I stared at him, a devious grin forming across my lips. His expression grew bewildered by the second.

"You're not going to tell," I grinned from ear to ear.

"And why not?" He tried to put up a brave face, but his confusion was evident.

I laughed. "You're not. And you know why? Because someone threw a rock into my window!"

His eyes widened in realization and darted toward the broken window, as if accusing the window for ratting him out.

"If you don't tell Cloud about this, I'll keep the window a secret. Deal?"

"Roxas-" he tried, but I held my hand against his mouth to stop him.

I could tell he was uncomfortable with this type of secret. Had it been something less important, Sora would have agreed in a heartbeat, but this wasn't something he could keep to himself. Subconscious or not, hurting yourself was still bad-in his eyes. I didn't expect Sora to understand. How could he? His life was too perfect to understand what hell I've been living.

"I'll tell him myself," I lied. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll tell him tonight and I'll keep the window between us, okay?" I pulled my hand away from his mouth to allow him to speak.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

He smiled, this time a true smile. I returned his smile with one of my own.

Lying was getting too easy.

Nada: This chapter goes out to Nobody, whose review I read 30 seconds ago, literally! Reviews remind me this story exists, so if you want it to keep updating, remind me! (I wish I could say I was joking...)

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