CHAPTER 40: Poison (Season 1, episode 13)

Character(s): Hotch, Gideon

A/N: Minor spoilers for the episode, and reference to a case and storyline from "Nelson's Sparrow" as well.

"No matter how you try to make the world a better place, the first step always starts with helping each other." ― Magith Noohukhan

Hotch smiled softly at his team. It was another late night on the jet, and everyone had finally drifted off to sleep. His smile grew upon seeing all the papers and files spread out across the desk in front of JJ. He sympathized – he had a hard time keeping his eyes open sometimes, too, while doing some of the paperwork (most of it, actually, if he was being truly honest). He was glad she'd finally managed to get some shut-eye, though. Last thing he wanted was for any of his team to turn into workaholics like him. Or Gideon.

The soft squeak of a seat caught Hotch's attention then, and he turned to see Gideon settling in across from him. Speak of the devil.

"Hey," he greeted Hotch, his gentle expression betraying his gruff tone.

"Hi. I thought you were asleep," Hotch replied.

Gideon shrugged. "I'm an old man. I consider myself lucky if I sleep straight through an entire night nowadays." Hotch chuckled at that, nodding his head in sympathy.

"Speaking of sleep, how come you're not counting sheep right now?" he continued, his eyes accusing.

"I still have these papers to finish up." Hotch waved a hand at the pile in front of him.

"You can do them later. Get some rest."

"I'm almost done…" Gideon looked at Hotch, exasperated at his boss' defensive tone. "I'm the boss. This is part of my job."

"A boss is supposed to set a good example for his employees," Gideon teased, nodding his head in the direction of JJ. "Do you really want that to become a regular thing for these guys?"

"Everyone's asleep, though, aren't they?" Hotch continued to protest, his face a light shade of red. He couldn't hide the smile on his face, though. He paused for a moment before speaking again. "You know what JJ asked me earlier?"

"What?"

"She asked, 'Of all the departments, why'd you choose the BAU?'."

Gideon nodded sagely. The inevitable question. "What'd you tell her?"

"I told her that I'd prosecuted so many murder cases back in my law career, cases that were particularly tough, in which the criminals weren't always punished and the families had to fight for justice." He shrugged. "Eventually it got to a point where I wanted to stop the events of those cases before they got to my desk in the first place."

"What'd she say to that?"

"Nothing. I simply admitted that that wasn't really an answer." He smirked as Gideon let out a light laugh.

"Eh, well, good answer or not, I think it's a good reason," Gideon said, rubbing his chin. "There's never really just one reason why we want to do this job. I think if you asked the others, they'd each come up with their own lists."

"I heard their reasons in their job interviews. They had some good ones," Hotch agreed. Another pause. "What made you want to do this for a living?"

Gideon immediately fell into one of those long, intense silences, the kind where anyone in his vicinity could literally feel how deep in thought he was. When he was in the "zone", everyone knew it, even if they weren't actually witness to it. Hotch waited patiently as Gideon stared out the window at the night sky, lightly tapping a couple fingers against the table.

"It was the unknowns," he finally said.

Hotch furrowed his brow. "I'm sorry?"

Gideon turned to face him now, his hands animated, gesturing at the general space around him. "The unknowns. The people who disappeared, or whose cases were never solved. I remember, when I was a kid…" More chin rubbing. "…I used to read books about the great unsolved mysteries of the world. Some supernatural, some natural, and it was the natural that fascinated me. Supernatural's meant to be unknown and unanswered. Natural isn't." He looked down at his hands.

"There was a case, back before the BAU was even a gleam in anyone's eye, where a woman had gone missing in a rural part of Virginia. Tara Barnett was her name. Beautiful young lady." Hotch gave Gideon a sympathetic glance. Safe bet Gideon still had her photo in his collection.

"Her mom, Mary Ellen…she hounded me constantly for years, begging me to solve that case." He looked back up again, a slight sheen of tears in his eyes now. "I was never able to tell her what happened to her daughter. Resources being what they were back then, we just didn't have the manpower to do more for her, or for the other victims of that unsub." He let out a deep sigh. "Eventually, the case went cold, and the unsub…disappeared." Another wave of the hands. "I spent many nights thinking about Tara. Was she dead? Was she alive? Did she escape? I didn't know. I still don't."

His eyes met Hotch's then. "Meanwhile, her mother was out there, with no idea as to what became of her daughter. No closure of any kind. It infuriated me that I couldn't give her any answers. I kept feeling like I'd failed her. And I vowed that I would do all I could to never fail anyone else again."

"That's an impossible vow," Hotch noted quietly. His admiration for this man knew no bounds.

"I know." Adrian Bale was enough to prove Hotch's statement. "But if I can believe that I won't fail people…I dunno." He shrugged. "It's motivation, at least."

Hotch nodded. He could accept that. He'd figured out his own motivation techniques to help him deal with the job over the years. His newest one was currently snuggled up at home in his wife's arms, in fact.

"And that's how the BAU came to be. That case haunted David and me for years. I still keep a lookout for any possible developments. Read newspapers, check tips and crime reports from that area of Virginia. Just in case. It's the least I can do."

"I hope you eventually solve it, Jason. We'll be happy to help you, too."

Gideon smiled softly, the tears brimming again. "Thank you."

A moment passed before Hotch chuckled, shaking his head.

"What?"

"I was just thinking about what all our lives would be like if you and David Rossi hadn't started the BAU. I'd probably still be a lawyer, Elle would be in Seattle, Morgan might still be a cop in Chicago, JJ could be…I dunno, a news reporter, Garcia might still be in the hacker world, and Reid –"

"Reid would probably be making some impressive scientific breakthrough." That got a grin out of both men.

Hotch's face turned serious as he looked at his friend. "Thanks to you, we all wound up forming one hell of a team. We owe our livelihoods to you."

The uncomfortable expression that crossed Gideon's face then didn't escape Hotch's notice. "I wouldn't take that as a compliment," he said dismissively, letting out a laugh that sounded just the slightest bit hollow.

"No, really, Gideon, I'm serious. I can't think of anything else I'd rather do for a living."

Gideon still seemed a little wary. Hotch decided to let the matter drop. He turned back to his paperwork.

"You are right, though."

Hotch looked up, curious. "About what?"

"This is a good team," Gideon said, pointing a finger in the direction of the others. "Very talented. You've taught them well." Hotch couldn't stop the small, modest smile escaping, his head bowing down and away. Gideon was amused. "Just…let's agree to look out for them. Okay?" And each other.

"Agreed." He watched then as Gideon dug around in his bag, eventually pulling out a book.

"Reading helps me fall asleep faster," he explained. Hotch nodded in understanding – he'd long ago gotten used to Gideon's particular method of doing things.

"I think I'm going to try and get some shut-eye, too," Hotch said, pulling out a blanket. "The words are starting to blur together on these reports. That's my sign it's time to get some rest."

Gideon chuckled. Been there. "Good night, Hotch," he said quietly.

"Night." Hotch set about trying to make himself as comfortable as he could in the small seats, and upon eventually finding a decent angle, soon drifted off.

Once Gideon was certain Hotch was actually asleep, he set his book down on the table, taking a minute to look around the plane at the rest of the team.

They were all so young. And yet, they'd already had a few glimpses into the darkness. They'd experienced their first kills, or been held hostage, or had to rescue children from life-threatening situations. Some of them had already had nightmares. Gideon observed Hotch, thought about the wife and newborn son waiting for him at home, and could only think of the statistics regarding failed marriages within this line of work.

Not exactly the legacy he was hoping to pass on when he'd dreamed up this idea with David Rossi all those years ago, but unfortunately, it was all a likely, if not inevitable, part of the job. He wondered just how aware everyone had been of those pitfalls when they joined the FBI.

Course, Gideon was also familiar with some of the personal information about the rest of the team. They'd all faced many a private struggle in their lives prior to joining the BAU. If they could survive the stresses of working as a cop or in a sex crimes division, or quickly rising through the school ranks at an unusually young age, or handle the demanding hours that being a prosecutor brought, then maybe they were more cut out for this job than they realized, or Gideon thought.

Besides, the most important requirement for this job was something he'd seen in these people from day one: compassion. It didn't matter whether they were talking down mentally unstable unsubs, comforting women who suffered heinous attacks, feeling guilt over killing someone, or racing against time to bring children home safe and sound. In every single instance, the care and concern this team showed towards the people they encountered on the job was always genuine, and ran deep. They were willing to risk the toll this job took on them mentally, emotionally, and physically if it meant reliving others of the mental, emotional, and physical toll they were going through in their everyday lives.

Gideon would still do his part to see to it these people had some semblance of a normal life, of course. After all, one very well couldn't do a job like this if their personal well-being was in serious need of repair. He was a testament to that fact.

But he'd also be sure to remind them to never lose that compassion and concern. Not just for the sake of others, but for their own sake as well.

Gideon set his book aside then, pulling out his blanket and pillow and finally settling in for some more rest of his own. Before he finally drifted off, he made a mental note to do another scan of updates on that Barnett case when he got home. Just in case.

Maybe he could even enlist that Garcia gal's help, too.

"While it is well enough to leave footprints on the sands of time, it is even more important to make sure they point in a commendable direction." – James Cabell