Thank you everyone that has read/reviewed/favorited/alerted!
Not only does it keep me aware that people are still reading, but it reminds me this story exists as well!
Nada: No, you aren't hallucinating. I seriously did just uploaded another chapter within the same week as another. There is also a SUPER IMPORTANT A/N at the ending of the chapter. Please read it!
Chapter Eight
Darkness. That was all I could see. A dark, inky black void. I hadn't seen this darkness in such a long time.
There was silence.
There was tranquility.
My thoughts were blank.
My emotions were numb. I wish I could say that was the case for my body.
It hurt to move.
It hurt to breathe.
It hurt to think.
Pain, so much pain. Is this what pain felt like? I must have forgotten. Was this physical? Was it mental? My body felt like it was on fire. So excruciating. Too hot. Too worn. Too tired. My arms throbbed in agony whenever I tried to wiggle my fingers. Sometimes the pain would beat to the rhythm of my heart. Other times, it would vanish like it never existed.
If this is what death was like, I could get used to it.
-x-X-x-
Darkness left too soon. The light followed quickly after. It engulfed the tranquil void in white, blinding light, along with it came the distorted sounds of unfamiliar voices.
Huh… voices… were they angels? Was I waking up in heaven?
Am I dead?
I opened my eyes. My vision was a haze of distorted colors that swirled uncomfortably around me. Shades of white and browns with the occasional black spots warped before my eyes until it adjusted with every blink and soon enough, I was staring at the ceiling.
Heaven had ceilings!
I blinked some more. The strange splashes of color I had witnessed before was part of the ceiling. It was a water stain to be exact and the more I stared at it, the more I realized it was a water stain in the shape of a three horned crown.
Heaven had water stained ceilings!
Now that my eyes were no longer swimming in delirium, I glanced around the room. It was a private hospital room with white walls, water stained ceilings-in the shape of a crown-and three pieces of furniture all situated in different sides. There was a chair at the foot of my bed, one chair by my right side and the other on my left, closest to the window. A tv hung from the corner of the room in perfect visual of my lonely bed. Decorating either side of my night stands-I had two apparently-were "get well" cards and a vase of flowers.
I sighed heavily, the realization of it all settled bitterly in my stomach. I knew falling off a two story building wouldn't do me any good.
I guess I should assess the damage. I wiggled my toes. They responded. I moved my legs. They responded. I wiggled my fingers. They responded, albeit painfully. I winced, not prepared to feel even the slightest bit of pain after being numb for so long. I tried my wrists and my arms next. My right arm seemed unscathed for the most part. It prickled slightly with pain-there was probably a bruise somewhere. My left arm was a different story. It throbbed when it moved and it burned against the tightly wrapped bandages. Someone must have treated my cuts while I was unconscious. Despite that, it responded to my wishes without difficulty. At least I knew it wasn't broken.
That was one less broken thing to deal with.
But there's a bigger mess waiting for me. I groaned.
I cursed my two story house for lacking in height. If it had been taller, I would be dead, and at least then I wouldn't have to see everyone's expression for what I've done, or what I almost did. Death was less of a mess than this.
I wonder if they hate me?
I can't help but think things will go back to the way they were before this fantasy began. Back when the only thing real was me being invisible; when I wasn't "Roxas Uchiyama" but "Namine's brother" or "that creepy blonde kid." Back when being friends with Sora and the others was nothing more than a stupid dream I concocted to get me through the lonely days. Back when the only ones that remembered I existed were teachers giving me detention or trying to see if "everything at home was okay." I was alive then. Lonely, yes, but alive, inside and out.
Now, life felt hollow, like I'm lost in a fog of emptiness. It was better than the pain of envy constantly pouring poison into my soul or the fire of rage burning through my veins. It was better than dealing with a hurricane of emotions… and yet, there was a void in my chest where the pressure of life had once been.
This feeling wasn't the same as being numb. At least when I was numb, I could still feel the dull ache of my nightmare eating me from the inside out. I still felt envy in the center of my heart, her claws of resentment and inferiority scratching the layers of skin. This wasn't like that, far from it.
I was empty-truly, completely, undeniably empty.
-x-X-x-
Time seemed to have lost meaning. I don't know how long I lay in bed, watching the water stains wiggle in and out of focus. The warm rays of perpetual twilight peaked through the curtains every now and then, but it didn't help.
Was it morning? Was it noon? Did it matter?
Not anymore.
I heaved a heavy sigh, feeling the weight of emptiness press uncomfortably into my chest.
Really, what did matter anymore?
I snapped out of my thoughts and for a moment, I couldn't figure out why. The door that had remained untouched throughout my musings clicked open. It swung inward slowly, and from the corner of my eye, I spotted a flash of cornflower hair.
The emptiness grew heavier.
My siblings poured into the room, their faces solemn; their eyes downcast. Mom followed behind them. She was dressed in her soft pink nurses' uniform that reminded me of Pepto-Bismol just like it always did when I was a kid. It made me want to smile. I wished I could smile, but the muscles in my face refused to move.
Indifferent.
Empty.
I'm still in Hell.
"You're awake," she smiled. She reached across the bed and gently brushed back a few locks of blonde hair from my eyes, just like she used to do when I was sick with the chicken pox or coughing up a lung from the flu. "You must be a little confused. The painkillers will do that to you."
She withdrew her hand from my head and checked on the IV drip. I already missed her comforting touch.
When she finished checking the IV, she took a seat on one of the chairs (Cloud and Naminé occupied the other two chairs) and gave me a long, careful stare.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked after a few minutes of silent staring. "Why didn't any of you tell me what happened last year?"
Silence grew heavier around us. The air of gloom and guilt thickened so much it was almost hard to breathe. Naminé swallowed and opened her mouth, but for once, she didn't know what to say. She snapped her jaw shut. She sank further into the chair, her blue eyes focused intently on anything that wasn't our mother. What could she say?
What could any of us say?
"I'm sorry."
Naminé and Cloud brought their eyes to mine at the sound of my voice. I licked my lips in hopes to continue, but all desire to speak escaped me and the words I wanted to say were swallowed away. All I could say was sorry… or maybe… that was all I needed to say.
My mother's hazel eyes grew glassy with unshed tears. She jumped from the chair and engulfed me into a hug. My body gladly embraced her warmth.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around for you and your siblings." She whispered. "But I will be. I promise." She brushed her lips against my cheek for a teary motherly kiss. "I love my little Roxy baby."
I hugged her tightly.
-x-X-x-
After mom left to finish her shift, and Cloud and Naminé went down to the cafeteria, I was left to my thoughts once more. But the serenity didn't last long. The door clicked open then shut again with the same soft click. I didn't turn to see who had entered my room. I already knew.
He sat on the chair to my right, his cherubic face no longer lit with a smile. His eyes were dull and tired, as though he hadn't slept in a long, long time. The void in my chest felt heavier than ever before. It was suffocating.
This is Hell.
"Hi," his voice came out soft, almost a whisper.
Was he afraid of me?
No. He's afraid for me.
"Hi." I replied, just as quiet.
His hands nervously played with a strap chain that hung from his black pants, but his eyes never left mine.
"How do you feel?"
"Like I fell off a roof," I deadpanned.
He winced. "Sorry. Stupid question."
His fingers continued to play with his chain.
"So, um…" he tried. He stopped midway, his expression indecisive. After a moment of internal struggle, Sora finally sighed.
"What did you think of when you…" he bit his lip, afraid to say it-afraid to admit that what he had seen had truly happened-but knew he had no choice. He continued: "…when you jumped?"
Freedom. My mind whispered, but my voice said, "I didn't jump. I slipped."
"Roxas," his voice came out stern, authoritative. It made me wince. He was tired of the lies just as I was tired of giving them.
I sighed. "I thought 'my roof isn't high enough to kill me'."
His expression twisted into a frown. "That's a selfish thought." he murmured. He finally broke our gaze and watched his fingers fiddle with his chain.
I gave him a small smile he wouldn't see. "Yeah, it was." But I'm weak. I sighed again.
Something in Sora's demeanor changed in that moment. He returned his gaze, his eyes no longer a swirling mess of anxiety, fear, and exhaustion. Those brilliant blue eyes grew sharp with purpose. (The pressure in my chest slightly lightened.) He grabbed my hand tightly in his own and brought it to his face.
"Do you have any idea what you've put me through? What the last few days have been like?" his voice cracked at the last second, his cerulean eyes brimming with tears. I could feel his hands shake as he held mine, but he didn't loosen his grip. He wasn't going to let go.
"Roxas, you were unconscious for three days. Having to wake up, not knowing if you would-" his grip grew tight around my hand. He couldn't muster the words. He shook his head. "I-it was Hell." he said instead. "Life without you…" he shook his head again, his cheeks streamed with tears. "That's not life!" he cried.
"Please, please, Roxas, I know you're in pain. I know what happened can never change, but please don't give up! You're not alone! I would never-"
I couldn't stand it anymore. The look on his face, his desperate pleas, his desire to keep me going, to stay by my side-how can you stay when I tried to get away from this life?-to forgive me-How can you forgive me when I lied to you so many times?-to love me-how can you love me after everything I've done?
How can you sit there and tell me none of it matters?
How can you sit there and shed those tears for me and mean it?
How can you sit there and tell me you can't live without me? That you love me so unconditionally?
I put you through Hell.
I brought nothing but trouble.
What have I done to win someone so loving as you?
I've tainted you and you don't even care.
The emptiness in my heart suddenly burst into an array of emotions so strange and alien, it nearly made me nauseous. Adrenaline suddenly shot throughout my body, and without even realizing it, I lurched off my bed, grabbed Sora's face and rammed our lips together. I pulled away a minute later with a racing heart and a strange wave of peace blossoming in my chest. I fell back into my bed, a very real smile plastered on my face.
Sora watched me through half lidded eyes clouded with confusion and love. He managed to snap out of his daze and wiped the streak of tears from his cheeks with a clumsy smile.
"Wh-what was that for?" He asked.
I gave him a shrug. "You talk too much."
He laughed. "Somebody has to."
Before I got the chance to retort, the hospital door flew open with a loud bang! Sora and I jumped at the intrusion as a pair of scathing brown eyes quickly honed in on me like a heat seeking missile. Hayner charged into the room with intent for murder. At least I was already in a hospital.
"You ASSWIPE!" he nearly screamed. "WERE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"
He used his left hand to land a punch on my right arm. I jerked from the gesture, still unable to feel it thanks to the pain medication still coursing through my veins.
Olette, Kairi and Pence tried to calm Hayner down while Riku laid a hand on his unbandaged shoulder. It was then I realized something was wrong with Hayner. His right arm was wrapped in a cast. My eyes ghosted over to Riku, who seemed to have fared better than the raging blonde in front of him.
Hayner must have noticed my staring, because he gestured with his good hand to the cast and said, "I hope you're satisfied! I broke my arm trying to catch your stupid butt!"
"Hayner," Olette pleaded.
"Oh good," a new voice cut in. All eyes turned to the door where Naminé and Cloud stood holding trays of food. "Looks like the gang's here!" my twin smiled, her first real one all day. "I see Hayner's still mad."
"And he'll stay that way for a while." Pence commented with a smile.
His best friend rolled his eyes in disdain. "I have every right to be angry."
"You're right," I said, grabbing everyone's attention. "And I'm sorry for everything. This summer hasn't been easy, but that didn't give me an excuse to take it out on my friends."
"We know it's been hard." To my surprise, it was Riku who spoke. "To be honest Roxas, we saw this coming from day one."
Olette nodded in agreement. "It was one of the reasons why we were so worried."
"We thought that we could make you happy by spending time with you." Pence said. He gave me a sympathetic smile. "We didn't think you'd take it badly. We're your friends. What kind of friends would we be if we didn't care?"
I gave them an appreciative smile, unable to voice exactly how moved I was. And of course, Cloud had to ruin it. He cleared his throat and said, "Despite how sickeningly sweet this moment is, my baby brother needs to eat before we lose him to starvation." He gestured toward the door. "Out, all of you! You can see him later."
Without stalling, my friends filed out of the room one by one, except for Sora, who remained by my side with our fingers intertwined. He gave me a dazzling smile, one that made my stomach flutter like a thousand butterflies for the first time in a long time.
I'm tired of running. But I can't seem to stop.
I'm tired of hiding. But I'm afraid of being discovered.
I'm tired of lying. But I can't break this habit.
I'm tired of the silence. But I don't know how to break it.
I'm tainted. And now, you are too.
The tranquility that had warmed my chest left far too quickly, guilt now taking its place as the stream of thoughts poured into my mind. Even with Sora by my side, smiling as brightly as he did, the waves of guilt continued to wash over me, reminding me of something I wish I didn't know.
I'm still in Hell.
Nada: They say the Underworld has a little patch of Elysium. Sora is Roxas's patch of Elysium. Kudos to anyone who can find the new UNRESOLVED PROBLEM in this chapter! It's another "item" for Roxas's dangerously full Pandora's Box.
Important A/N:
Okay, to the serious part now. Chapter Eight was originally meant to be the end of C O I N Q U I N A T U S but I felt there was still too much left unresolved, especially in the case of Roxas's mentality. So I have a few favors to ask you readers. This is completely optional and you don't have to do it if you don't want to, I will find a way to figure it all out if no one participates but I figured it would be faster with extra help.
Favor One: Are there any loose ends from S I L E N T I U M that C O I N Q U I N A T U S has not yet resolved?
(I'm aware that we still don't know what happened to Marluxia and Larxene yet, but don't worry, the timing hasn't arrived to know yet.)
Favor Two: Since I have yet to write the rest of the chapters, does anyone want to see something in this story that hasn't happened yet?
(Keep in mind that Roxas's mentality is in jeopardy. Anything could set him off again & he will not hesitate to pick a different method of escape.
You can ask for (almost) anything as long as it fits into the story. Chapter Ten is the start of a new school year, so possibilities are endless! It just takes me forever to come up with something.)
That's enough rambling from me. Like I said, no one has to participate if they really don't want to, just know that it'll take longer (seriously longer) to get any new chapters out. I've already written the first draft of chapter nine and their new school year schedules, so I have a faint idea as to what will happen, but reader feedback is always nice.
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