Chapter Four
…
Kristoff was laying flat on his belly, the comforter covering half his body as I pried my arm off his naked torso. Him being a heavy sleeper, it wasn't hard to slip down from my bed without waking him. With a slight creak, I tiptoed around my room to grab some sweats and an over-sized shirt from the floor. It was probably Kristoff's considering the dash of cologne still on it.
I walked over to my dresser, opening up the bottom drawer and reaching for a pack of cigarettes hidden in the back. I quickly stuffed it in my pocket, double checking to be sure Kristoff was still asleep.
The door made a light squeak as I quickly opened it and passed through, shutting it softly behind me with practiced ease. My feet padded along the hardwood floor as I passed by the living room, finding my purse there along with my lighter.
I fiddled with the alarm, turning it off and grabbing shoes on the way out as quietly as I could. I just needed to get out. I needed something less confining.
The air outside was crisp and I was grateful to have at least my boots on. I walked out from the porch and onto the sidewalk, slowly making my way to the set of trees that divided my house from the Knowles. My back bumped against the oak as I leaned on it, smacking the cigarette box lightly against my open palm. I pulled out one of neatly packaged cigs as if they were rows of chocolates ready to pick.
Letting it sit between my teeth, I covered the end with one hand and lit it with the other. With a simple puff, it caught flame. The burning sizzle calmed my nerves, the warmth of it tickling my hands in the cool night.
I took a deep inhale, listening to the hiss of burning nicotine and looked up at the sky. Most nights I wished light pollution didn't exist, but it does and I can't help but want to reach out and pluck every missing star.
To help them shine brighter. I don't know, some shitty metaphor, I guess.
The smoke billowed a few inches from my face and I kept thinking back to just a few hours ago, when I blew out my candles. That cloud of smoke that I caused standing between Elsa and I... What a great depiction of my life.
Scoffing at myself, I kicked up dirt and looked down at the rolling pebbles. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should be happy and grateful, Kristoff should be enough. He's my best friend, he's my first everything and I love him. I do.
But everything always leads back to her.
I could see her expression in him sometimes, the way their eyes wilt and the smile they share. She somehow manages to come back, no matter how long or hard I try to get her out of my head… or the possibility of us.
I rolled the cigarette between my middle finger and thumb, tapping it gently to rid the ash. I didn't make it a habit to smoke, it was more of a stress reliever from time to time. But dear god, when I did, it made me feel unlimited. I pretended to be someone else for a short while, the part of me that wished I'd left Chicago for something better.
Then I heard a front door open and shut... I already knew who it was, coming out late at night for a cigarette just like me. That's why she had a lighter to light the candles earlier. For once, I didn't need to freak out or try to hide this part of me.
Elsa didn't approach at first, which gave me time to stare. Her hair mimicked my own, a messy bun so the scent of tobacco wouldn't get caught in our hair. She wore a thin tank top and pajama shorts, revealing her long legs. Her little slippers scuffed the driveway as she held a lone cigarette between her dainty fingers.
That's when she looked to me and smiled softly, like she was proud to know this dirty little secret of mine. She brought the cigarette up to her lips, holding it between that smile of hers. All while looking at me.
Using her lighter, she flicked the corner as it sparked to a flame. The shine in her eyes was intoxicating and I could feel the pit of my belly tingle at the sight. The orange glow defined her cheeks as she puffed, lips puckering against the stick to take in the rough nicotine. The way she was watching me was unsettling, lush even.
What's up with that look?
She took that first breath with ease, blowing it to the side and crossing her arms over her stomach like she always used to. Some habits never die out.
I took a long drag as she shuffled closer, "May I join you?"
Nodding to the space beside me, I watched her plop next to my feet. She didn't seem to mind the dirt, leaning back against the tree with a sigh. I slid down the bark, ignoring how coarse it felt through my shirt, and sat beside her.
We stayed like that for a while. It was quiet. The silence was comforting for once, but the tension between us still lingered. I could feel it, like a subtle vibration between our bodies.
"When did you start smoking?"
Her voice was so smooth, passing over the silence with ease. She didn't seem upset about it, just curious. So was I.
"When did you?"
I could hear her smile, as she bumped her shoulder against mine playfully, "I asked you first."
My lips curved into a quirky smirk, trying not to smile back and looking down at my boots shyly.
"First year of college. No one really knows… it's more of a rare moment kind of thing."
She hummed thoughtfully, taking another short drag. I gazed up at her, "Your turn."
"Two years after moving to New York, I don't really care who knows, it helps when things get tense." She looked down with a soft smile and tired eyes, it was agitating. She was looking at me with this fondness, like we were on the same page. But we weren't.
I always fell one page behind in the same chapter and it was so fucking agitating…
"Does that happen a lot for you?"
"It's just sucks being responsible for so much, you know?"
It was quiet again and my cigarette was nearing the end of the line as I flicked away excess ash. Her cigarette was nearly there too, acting as our timer.
Always on a timer.
She sighed deeply, clicking her tongue, "I gave him that shirt."
My shoulders tensed up and I nearly burned my finger, dropping the bud near my boot. A bile feeling formed in the chest as I wrapped my arms around my knees in comfort. She kept going.
"It was for his birthday and I wasn't sure what to get him, so I stopped by the mall."
I started mauling my bottom lip, feeling uneasy.
"I was so lost there, I don't often go shopping for men so I just picked up the first shirt I saw and bought it. I didn't really care if he liked the design or anything, I just needed to get something to send to him."
It wouldn't go away. The more she talked about it the worse I felt, clutching to my sweats. I kept staring at my dying cigarette bud, the little glow flickering slowly.
"The whole thing felt pretty half-assed, I didn't bother putting in the effort like a normal sister would. To consider what he'd really like or ask him. I don't even really know what he likes anymore."
Why are you telling me this?
"Yet, here you are wearing it so I'm assuming he likes it and wears it. He eats it up. The things I give him are precious when they mean nothing from me." She hugged her knees too, resting her head and slipping her eyes shut.
"Anna… I'm a horrible sister."
My head snapped up, "Why do you say that?"
Her lashes fluttered as she opened her eyes, not really looking at me but at the shirt. Her eyes traced my body, the curve of my face, and finally my eyes. The way she regarded me pulled at my heartstrings.
"Because, Anna… I'm finding it harder to care," it came out as a whisper. She was almost too scared to say it aloud, that would make it too real. But she did and it was out there.
I understood. Deep down, despite everything he and I have been through, there's a part of me that finds it harder each day. The conversation was getting dangerous. I knew I would be the next to confess something I shouldn't and fuck it all up, so I kept my mouth shut. For once, I listened instead.
"I'm selfish. I shut him out. I pretend we weren't close growing up, like he isn't the best brother in the world. He calls me so damn often too, you know what I do? I let it go to voicemail most of the time because I'm scared of not knowing what to say... I don't know him anymore and the worst part in all this is I don't mind."
The air was getting thin, at least to me it was and my breathing felt labored.
"I don't give a shit. I let that phone ring, I ignore his texts, and I send him random things from time to time because I'm obligated to. He's my brother so there are certain things I have to do. I shouldn't be his sister, I don't even know how to act like one. He deserves better… at least he's got you though."
That's when the tears fell from my face. Are you kidding? He deserves so much better than me. I felt disgusted with myself. I wiped my eyes, feeling sloppy as I tried to dry my face on my shirt.
His shirt.
She was tearing up too, taking one last drag before flicking it away. I couldn't stay quiet for long and I wanted to drastically change the subject, away from Kristoff. "Why are you here, Elsa?"
I persisted, "Why now after all this time?"
She chuckled almost sarcastically, composing herself as she rubbed her eyes.
She stood, wiping her shorts down and offering me a hand, "We should get back to bed, I'm sure Kristoff's waiting for you." That one felt like an intentional blow, I guess I deserved it in my own way.
I took her hand, letting her pull me up. I tried not to think about how satisfying my hand felt in hers. My knees fell weak for a minute so I leaned back on the oak, letting them get a good stretch. God forbid I fell on her instead.
She took a deep breath, raking a shaky hand through her bangs, "I don't know why I'm here, Anna. See you tomorrow."
"… Goodnight, I guess."
I kicked my boots in the dirt, eyes focused on our burnt out cigarette buds while she went inside. We were out of time and I'll never know when we'll have it again.
"Kristoff, where are you taking me?"
I rolled down the window of his truck, letting the wind play with my hair. Not really caring that I'd just done it. He'd been pretty quiet the whole day, telling me to shower and dress up without any details. I'm usually all up for surprises, but this one was bothering me.
When he said formal, I didn't realize how formal he was going for until he came knocking on my door in a suit. I don't do well in classy places, so that already raised a big red flag for me. His knee was bouncing while he focused on the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel a little tighter than usual.
His nervous tick was churning my stomach so I reached for his hand. He visibly relaxed at the contact, holding my hand in return and giving me a grin, "I told you, baby, it's a surprise. Don't worry."
Too late, I'm worried.
Rolling my eyes, I scoffed and went back to watching streetlamps blur past us. He chuckled and kissed my hand, but that didn't stop my pouting. Just when I was getting ready to ask him again, it finally looked like we were nearing a destination.
He pulled up to an opening, parking along the curb. I was halfway opening the door when he held it out for me like the proper gent he was trying to be.
Something's definitely up.
I took his arm and he led me down the sidewalk. The moon illuminated the dull grey concrete as I looked to the cracks, letting him take me blindly. My short heels clicked in time with his oxfords, enjoying how in sync we became. Kristoff and I have always been that way, on the same page. He was easier to keep up with.
The sound of a sax tickled my ears and I perked up. It was harmonized with a piano and I nearly swooned. I've loved jazz all my life, at any time of the day. I love the blues even more and that's what was drawing my attention so effortlessly.
Letting go of his arm, I walked up a few feet ahead and hovered around the inviting doors of Tiana's Place. Looking through the glass, I was surprised to see it so empty aside from the few musicians up on a dim lit stage.
I'd heard of this place before, opening up a few years ago and starting small. I never went out this far, so I didn't get the chance to stop by. The environment itself was so relaxing and welcoming, drawing attention everywhere. Soon it became one of those really expensive restaurants you'd have to book months in advance.
Kristoff walked up behind me, "Go inside."
"They look closed," looking back at him in confusion.
He kissed me swiftly before swinging the door open, "Oh, they are... but not for us."
My jaw dropped as I realized the surprise. Not only did he get a reservation, he bought out the restaurant for the night. That in itself was amazing. He probably saved months for this. He laughed at my expression and I didn't blame him, I probably looked ridiculous.
Patting my backside lightly, he ushered me in, "Go on." Letting him slide with that, I looked around with wide eyes.
The first thing I noticed was the ceiling. They had light fixtures of glass blown lily pads, all different and originally crafted. Some had lotus flowers and some were smaller clusters of green with tiny swivels hanging down. The colors reflecting over the restaurant illuminated faint blues and yellows, a shade of green here and there. I was already in awe just from the lamps.
The stage gave off a gold hue as the band went through tempos, warming up and setting everything just right. The glow from behind highlighted their silhouettes, the dramatic lighting almost seducing in its own way. I couldn't help but admire the floor too, the dark blue marble slabs cut and designed to mimic a river or creek all leading to the stage.
Dining tables were set all around the band, some hidden booths tucked to the sides for privacy. Lace cloth lined over each deep mahogany table, four chairs along with a lone white lily in a clear bottle for simple effect. It nearly took me back to the 1920's and I reveled in it.
The faint scent of honey came from the back of the kitchens just as someone came from the double doors to greet us. "Well, you two look positively charming." A woman appeared from the back, wiping down her blouse as she approached us.
She stuck out her hand for me to take, "Hey there, hun. I'm Tiana, owner of this restaurant and your personal chef for the night." I took it eagerly, "It's a pleasure to meet you, and this place… it's amazing!"
She smiled, her dimples becoming more prominent, "Thank you, darlin', it's our pleasure to have you."
In that moment, another gentleman dressed more casually, joined us, "Ah, welcome my friends. I hope Tiana isn't causing any trouble."
She waved a hand at him, "And this is my husband, Naveen, your narcissistic waiter for the night."
"I can't help being gorgeous," she smacked his arm, "I'll never beat you though, my Evangeline."
Those few moments with them was all I needed. I already loved them, watching the way they'd playfully banter. Naveen slung an arm around Tiana, looking back to us, "So, where's the rest of your party? They are coming, no?"
The rest?
Kristoff piped up, "They should be arriving soon."
"No problem, just pick a table and make yourselves at home. Louis should be finishing his warm-ups soon, pick up the swing of things."
I smiled politely at them, watching them go back to the kitchen before I spun around to Kristoff. "What did he mean?"
"Picking a table?"
"No. Who else is coming?"
He checked his cell in that moment to see if he had any missed calls, "Oh, I invited my parents, your father-"
God, don't say it.
"-And Elsa."
I nodded as cheerfully as I could, trying to make it seem like that last bit didn't throw me off. No, I won't let that bother me. "Oh! That's nice of you," I feigned a smile, secretly wishing this night could have been just about Kristoff and I.
"Seriously though, what's all this for?"
He didn't say anything, mutely pulling out a chair for me to sit, throwing me a wink while he was at it. I smiled, shaking my head and giving in to his request. We chose the closest table to the stage and Naveen brought us some menus for the time being.
It didn't take too long for Kristoff's parents to show up, admiring the place as much as I did when they first walked in. By then, we had a few appetizers and some drinks while we waited for everyone else to have dinner. It was getting pretty late and I couldn't help but wonder where my dad was. Then it started to rain. Of course, you can't have jazz without stormy weather.
That's when Elsa made her appearance, drenched in her long black coat with her hair messily pinned up.
Even looking like a soaked cat, she was beautiful to me.
Her eyes flickered to me for a moment and my breath caught in my throat. I don't think I'd ever seen so much pain in those baby blues before. And just like that, she put her walls back up. Hanging her coat on the nearest rack, she made her way to us and decided to sit with her parents, "Sorry I took so long. Traffic."
No one bothered to question her.
I started to call my dad but all I got were voicemails, even Kristoff tried calling him. Naveen kept checking up on us and at one point I felt bad for making everyone wait, so we went ahead and ordered our food. I didn't think my dad would mind, I assumed he was held up at work.
Well into our meal, I noticed Elsa hadn't really touched hers. I tried to meet her eyes again but she refused, choosing instead to focus on the music. My stomach was feeling uneasy again so I excused myself to the washroom. I needed a minute.
It was small, only three stalls for a quaint restaurant. I went straight to the sink and splashed water on my face, taking deep breaths. "I love him. I love him. I love Kristoff and he loves me." I kept repeating the mantra but no matter how much I repeated it, my head was screaming another.
But I'm in love with her. I… Oh my god… I'm in love with her.
Dear God, what the fuck was I even doing anymore? I didn't deserve any of it. I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized the person staring back. It was wrong and I couldn't keep up anymore.
I wasn't sure how long I was in the bathroom for, but I didn't want anyone looking for me like this. I cleaned myself up, drying off and double checking myself in the mirror before stepping back out. The jazz beat had slowed and Mr. Knowles had taken Elsa out on the small dance floor. It was a cute sight, not one I had ever seen before.
I didn't even think Elsa could dance. She always found a way to surprise me, moving elegantly as she leaned her head on her father's shoulder. I got closer to Kristoff and I could already see it in his eyes that he wanted to do the same. He stood, hand outstretched with the sweetest grin that made me want to scream inside.
"May I have this dance?"
I couldn't say no. I couldn't say yes. So he took my silence as a good sign and we started swaying. Why couldn't things be black and white? Why couldn't it be easier?
I held him close as he stood tall, one hand in his and the other on his shoulder. I watched Elsa and her father from afar. They slowly turned and suddenly Elsa's eyes were on me again… she was crying. Tears lined her porcelain skin and my heart broke at the sight.
I wanted to comfort her without ruining that moment with her father. They didn't have a lot of them. She buried her face in his neck and I felt as if she couldn't even look at me anymore, so I dropped it reluctantly.
Kristoff kissed my cheek and shifted to whisper in my ear, "You know I love you, right?"
I swallowed hard and nodded, closing my eyes so I didn't have to see Elsa that way. How selfish of me.
"So much, Anna… I want to take care of you as long as I can."
I inhaled sharply at his words and started to shake. Oh no.
"I need to ask you something, I've been wanting to for a long time already."
I took another shaky breath as he pulled back to search my face. He must've seen the fear. There was no way he couldn't have because I was terrified. Caressing my cheek, he kissed me on the lips longingly and got down on one knee.
No.
"Anna Porter…"
He held fast to one of my hands while reaching for something in his pocket. I knew what he was reaching for and I couldn't stop how badly I was shaking. Pulling out a little blue velvet box, he popped it open and there it was. A ring. A damn engagement ring staring at me in the face.
"Will you marry me?"
I couldn't breath. I could hear Mrs. Knowles gasp in the back and I was sure all eyes were on me. I brought up a hand to my mouth and I couldn't control my breathing. I didn't even realize I was crying until the drops fell to the floor. Usually when these things happen, people cry from happiness. That's not what this was.
"Baby?"
I looked to him and I wasn't sure what to tell him anymore. Yes? No? I'm in love with your sister?
I can't do this.
Then by some miracle of God, my cell phone rang and I was so fucking grateful I had it on me. Without a second thought, I checked the caller ID and saw my father's name pop up. I swiped to answer, "H-Hello?"
"Hi, is this Allen's daughter, Anna Porter?"
"Yes?"
"I work with your father at the office. Listen… there's been an accident. Your father's in the hospital."
A/N: Not sorry. We've already established the Kristanna part, so that should've been expected. Also, Adele got me with the feels. That's gonna reflect here a lot. Thanks for all the support guys! It's more than I expected.
Always love that feedback. Till next time.