Rational thought completely depleted Faelwen at that moment. Not for a second did she consider that the fact that she had spoken of Valinor and Celebrian's decision to leave was just an unfortunate coincidence. All she could think of were the words she had said. Words that had helped her mother decide to leave for good…
Had Elrond or the twins been there at that moment, they would have driven such an idea straight from her head at once. But unfortunately, they were not there, and one of Faelurinc's lasting influences on Faelwen's mind was that she sought to blame herself before anyone else.
And who else was there to blame? It was clear who was at fault! Ada had said that Nana was recovering, that she needed time. She would have been back to normal eventually! Why, why had she opened her careless mouth and spoken of the healing and peace to be found in Valinor? Not only had she deprived her blood brothers of their mother, whispered this ugly voice accusingly in her head; now she was depriving the twins and Arwen of theirs as well!
With a heart-rending sob, she tore down the corridor and fled to her room. Weeping hard, she threw herself on her bed, guilt filling her heart, her head and every inch of her. Never in her life had she felt so awful and for a moment she actually found herself wishing that Faelurinc was present at this moment to flay her. She would gladly suffer that pain, in fact she would suffer any conceivable punishment; because this time, she knew she was deserving of it.
She would never be able to look the twins in the face again! Now they were sure to hate her!
"What?" gasped Elladan, his face completely draining of colour as he grasped Elrohir's hand.
"I'm sorry, my heart," said Celebrian sadly, her still pale face wracked with sorrow as she stroked Elladan's cheek. "This was not an easy decision for me to make. But it would eat at my soul to stay in Middle Earth now. I would find myself ceasing to be a proper mother to you all and succumbing to the call of Mandos. I would rather be parted from you for a while and be able to welcome you into my arms when you sail to Valinor, myself again."
"We…we understand Nana," said Elrohir tearfully, holding onto Elladan's hand with all the strength he had. "We would not wish for you to suffer; not ever. It's just…our hearts will ache to see you leave us."
"My babies," murmured Celebrian gently, opening her arms to both of them and they both leaned into her embrace, though careful of her still-frail condition. "I know, my heart will also bleed to leave you behind. But you know that my love will ever remain with you, and you know that I will be waiting for you when the time does eventually come for you to sail, for you are far too young for that right now."
Elrohir began to sob and Elrond, who had watched this exchange in distressed, sat down on the bed beside his youngest son and drew him into a comforting embrace.
"We will always love you too, Nana," said Elladan unsteadily. "I do not like this, but it is far better than losing you to Mandos."
"I thought for a moment that Mandos would indeed be my destination, ion-nin," Celebrian confided in him. "Luckily, I heard your sister speaking through the darkness, reminding me that hope may ever be found. I remembered the timid, tiny elfling who arrived in Thranduil's arms, battered and bleeding, hurt almost beyond repair but yet she survived. Her words gave me the strength to fight off the chill of Mandos."
Elrond held his wife's hand tightly, thanking the Valar that Faelwen had been at her bedside that day. And if only his daughter had been there to hear it! Listening to Celebrian's version of events was very different to the version which Faelwen was currently torturing herself with while alone in her room. She did not realise that her words had been the strongest aid Celebrian had received; Faelwen could only perceive them as being the reason for her departure.
Dizzy with weeping, sick with guilt, shaking with exhaustion; Faelwen now stumbled to her wash chamber and was violently sick. Wiping the cold sweat from her brow, she fell back onto her bed and wrapped her arms protectively around her slim waist.
She would not survive it when the twins and Elrond found out that she was to blame for parting them with their mother and wife. Her heart did not have the strength to go through an ordeal like this for the second time!
For hours she lay there, too dazed and distraught to even move. She was not aware of the passing of time. All she was aware of was the agony in her heart and there was nothing in the healing wards, or anything that her own unique abilities could do, to ease that pain.
"I will take Celebrian's dinner up and dine with her," Elrond told his two trusted advisors. "Please excuse my absence. I would like to spend what little time I have left with her at her side."
"Of course my friend," said Erestor understandingly. "We will look after the children." Had the situation been less severe, Glorfindel might have smiled. The twins, Faelwen and Arwen were adults in their own right now, but they always remained 'the children' to Erestor.
"The twins are gone," Elrond informed them, his voice laced with worry. "They have gone out with the relief patrol to track down any remnants of the pack of orcs. Their grief has given way to rage and both of them are hungry for revenge."
"Do not fear for the twins, mellon-nin," said Glorfindel comfortingly. "They are under the protection of my best guards, who have been instructed to protect them at all costs, and haul them back to face my wrath should they do anything to needlessly endanger themselves."
These reassuring words comforted Elrond a little, and upon hearing Erestor promise that he would make sure that Faelwen was alright, the Lord of Imladris departed from the dining hall to spend that precious time, of which so little was left, with his beloved.
As the rest of the house, subdued and solemn, gathered in the dining hall, Glorfindel cast an anxious frown at the empty seat on his right.
"Faelwen is never late," he remarked worriedly. "In fact, if I recall correctly, she was ever the only one of the four who always managed to arrive for meals on time. It is not like her to be so tardy."
"I will go to her room and check on her," Erestor nodded in agreement to Glorfindel's words. "She may have fallen asleep, for using so much of her energy was taxing on her. And you know how she is – if she has something on her mind, then she forgets to eat at all if someone does not remind her."
Glorfindel nodded grimly – Erestor spoke the truth. It had taken a very long time – years in fact – for Elrond and Celebrian to get Faelwen understand that she needed to eat well and regularly. Half-starved by her human captors, she had simply got used to going without, and if she was preoccupied with her work; she always push the stirrings of hunger aside and, as a result, would often forget to eat altogether.
With quick, even strides, Erestor left the dining hall and proceeded along the airy corridors of Imladris until he found himself outside the door to Faelwen's chamber. Raising his hand, he knocked on the door. No answer.
"Faelwen…" called Erestor quietly, opening her bedroom door. He found her curled up on her bed, clutching a pillow against her abdomen. Her face was alarmingly white, marked with tear tracks and her eyes were swollen and very red. He could see that she was shaking.
"Faelwen?" he called again, softly, as he moved to sit on the edge of her bed and stroke her hair.
"Erestor?" Faelwen started violently in surprise. She had not heard the dark-haired advisor enter the room.
"Easy, there," Erestor soothed her, growing anxious when he saw the extent of her distress. He had expected her to be upset, but she looked to be absolutely beside herself. "It is all right. I'm just here to take you along to dinner."
"Dinner?" Faelwen's stomach recoiled at the thought. "Ai, I could not even think about food just now! Please, Erestor, I am truly not hungry. May I be excused?"
"Nay, penneth, you must accompany me and eat something." said Erestor with gentle firmness. "You look pale and weary beyond words and I promised your Ada that I would look after you."
Is he so disgusted with me that he can no longer bear to look at me? Faelwen wondered, as she worried at the nails she had been biting all afternoon. There was nothing left of them now but raw slithers of flesh.
Meekly, as she did not have the strength to argue, she allowed Erestor to guide her from her chamber and lead her down to the now noisy dining hall. With her eyes glued to the floor, she followed Erestor to the top table and slipped silently into her seat, next to Glorfindel. The twins' absence was blazingly felt and only added more to the pounding distress in Faelwen's heart.
As the meal progressed, both elf-lords were growing more and more anxious about Faelwen. She had barely touched anything on her plate and kept her eyes fixed on the table; not talking unless she was spoken to. And it was only at their insistence that she eat something to keep herself sustained that she was able to force down the little food that she ate – which felt like lead in her churning stomach. Then, when Glorfindel told her that Celeborn and Galadriel would be here tomorrow, she almost fainted in her panic.
They would all know what she had done! They would all be filled with disgust for her!
"Faelwen, take a deep breath, penneth!" Erestor was beginning to seriously worry. He knew that the children would take Celebrian's departure badly, but Faelwen looked ready to launch into hysteria. "Are you all right?"
"Please, Erestor, I am really not hungry!" she pleaded. "May I be excused?"
Erestor met Glorfindel's eyes and wavered. He would much prefer her to stay and eat, for she was still pale and looked tired. On the other hand, it was clear that the she was utterly distraught and wanted to flee to release her emotions.
"Eat just a little more, penneth," he coaxed. "And then you may be excused."
Unhappily, Faelwen forced some more food down her uncooperative throat. It was truly delicious, as the Imladris fare always was, but it seemed to be like ash in her mouth. Her stomach continued to recoil and she began to fear that she would actually be sick all over the table.
Reading her emotions, Glorfindel patted her shoulder comfortingly. "You may go now, sweetheart." he said softly. "But remember, if you want someone to talk to, or even just someone to hold you, Erestor and I will always be here."
"I know. Thank you," Faelwen choked out, and then she vanished from the room in a flash.
She positively sprinted back to her room and shut herself away, locking her door from the inside before curling up in a ball on her bed. Glorfindel's gentle words of assurance rang in her head, but she knew that she could not go to him or Erestor for help. She couldn't bear to see the anger and disappointment in their faces when they found out what she had done!
The night passed slowly and bitterly, and Faelwen was granted no sleep. She tossed and turned, then restlessly paced her room as she cried until there were no tears left and she felt utterly empty. For a moment, she considered fleeing Imladris completely, but she quickly ruled such a thought out of her fevered mind. She was not a cowardly child any more. She would stay and accept the punishment that she had earned by her foolish words. She owed it to everyone after the kindness they had all shown her. She would take whatever punishment they deemed fit; remembering with a shiver how her own brothers had acted in the same situation. She could only hope that this time it would not be quite so bad.
Even so, she did not have the emotional strength or the courage to attend breakfast that morning. She felt that her heart would break if she saw the Ada she adored look at her with cold disgust. As soon as she was certain that everyone would be occupied in the dining hall, or else preparing for the arrival of the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood, she soundlessly slipped out of the house and headed for the solace of her beloved trees. She took shelter in the great oak, a vantage point where she could see exactly what was going on without being noticed, and waited to see what they day might bring.
"Erestor, have you seen Faelwen this morning?" asked Elrond, blatant anxiety blazing in his eyes.
"I am afraid not, my friend," replied Erestor. "I have not seen her since she left for bed last night."
"I went down to check on her last night but her door was locked and I got no answer," said Elrond. "I did not want to wake her for she needs to rest after all the energy she lost so I left and returned this morning instead. But she is not in her room. She is not in the healing wings, or the library or anywhere else for that matter. She drove herself near to exhaustion trying to help Celebrian and she could very well collapse. I did not want her unsupervised, but she seems to have vanished! I knew the news would be harsh to her, but I did not expect her to take it this badly."
"I'm sure she will be alright," said Erestor soothingly. "I will keep an eye out for her while you are with Celeborn and Galadriel. If I find her, I will bring her up to you."
Elrond did not reply, as he absentmindedly ran his hands through his hair. He could not remember ever feeling so worried before. His wife was leaving, his sons were out on a revenge-driven orc hunt, risking their safety and their lives and now his daughter had disappeared too! What was happening to Imladris?
"Elrond, she is a sensible child, she won't put herself in any danger," said Erestor, placing a calming hand on Elrond's shoulder. "I promise, Glorfindel and I will look for her. You know Faelwen…if she does not want to be found, she will not be found. I am beginning to wonder if she has gone into shock and hidden herself away."
The sound of horses in the courtyard distracted them from the end of their conversation and both elf-lords hurried towards the sound of the commotion. When they got there, they stopped in shock, for in front of them were not Celeborn and Galadriel. Instead, it was a pair that they had certainly not expected to see.
Thranduil and Legolas, both obviously having ridden a great distance at the utmost haste, were dismounting at the bottom of the stone stairs. Even more shockingly, there were only two Mirkwood guards to be seen. Had the Elvenking travelled all the way without any guards?
"Mellon-nin, what brings you to Imladris?" asked Elrond in surprise, hastening down the steps to fervently clasp arms with Thranduil.
"The birds brought news of the attack several days ago," said Thranduil softly, his eyes full of sympathy and compassion. "I knew what it would mean. Elrond, you were there for me when I lost Lorelin and you guided me through one of the darkest times of my life. A fine excuse for a friend I would be if I was not able to be there for you in the same way."
"Hannon-le, brother," whispered Elrond tightly, giving Thranduil a fierce embrace. Legolas, standing just behind his father, watched in despair, never having seen Elrond, for whom he had the deepest respect, so distressed before.
This was going to be a difficult week!