Somewhere in the middle of the night I woke and the last two days ran through my mind like a film loop that shows the same scene over and over. I saw my initial reaction to her and the feelings that it had provoked. I felt like I'd looked into my own soul and now I think I have or at least the soul she gave me. I got out of bed and went into Gretchen's room and watched her sleep for a few minutes. I was in a position to give her a real grandmother. How exactly did I feel about it? I have many questions to ask of Carla but the first one would be 'Where the hell have you been all of my life?' I think that I'm owed that answer. I think that my sister would have liked that answer as well. I tiptoed out of Gretchen's room.

I wanted answers but how would I get them. I couldn't go crashing into the Mission in the morning demanding them, but I would if that is the only thing Hetty would understand. I have to admit I was angry. Why wouldn't I be? Did they really think I wouldn't find out and if I did, I'd be okay with it?

I found a bottle of water and wandered into the back yard. The bench that I met Sara on stood in our garden and that is where I ended up. I sat there examining my life and trying to figure out where to go from here: I sat there for a very long time.

Sara came and joined me on the bench somewhere around 6:00am. She snuggled up next to me and held my hand. She didn't say a word and I appreciated that.

I still didn't quite know how to handle this. I looked at my wife and questioned myself. "What do I do, not acknowledge this and pretend I don't know?" I gazed at the yard that Sara and I had created. It was a lot like my life. I created it, made it my own, but I don't believe that a child should have to do that. "I don't think I can do that. I want her to know that I'm hurt by this masquerade." Sara squeezed my hand to let me know I have her support. "Why didn't she just tell me? Why didn't Hetty tell me? And why play the game?"

Sara held my hand. "Does it really matter if Gretchen has a real grandmother? I don't think so. I know you'd like to talk to her as your mother but what if she won't? Will you be able to live with that, O Heart of Mine? What if she just wanted to see how her son turned out? You did turn out well in spite of her. Would you change anything in your life for the one chance to meet your mother?"

I thought about her words. No I wouldn't change anything, even for that one moment. "No Mrs. Callen, I wouldn't." I smiled down into those hazel eyes that I fell in love with and she filled me with hope and determination. "I still want to try though. Hetty gets there early maybe I'll get there early to talk to her. Maybe she'll give me something. Hopefully Carla will come in and I'll get to talk with her as well." I rose from the bench to go shower.

Sara still had my hand and a worried look. "What if they won't talk to you? Will you be alright then?" I watched the anguish show on my wife's face. "We will be here all day. If you need us, call. Please?"

I pulled her up off the bench and held her. This woman was my family now and no matter what happened with Hetty and Carla, I had Sara and Gretchen. "I've got you and our little girl. I'll be fine." I went inside to shower.

Sara stood there watching me with that skeptical look I knew so well. I don't think she bought anything I said to her. She's a smart woman.