Chapter 15

Kathryn picked up her medicine bundle and sat on the floor in her usual spot in front of the viewport. The walk on the beach created by the holodeck had done wonders for her. The added bonus was no sandy feet once the program ended.

She opened her bundle and began setting the items in place.

She stared at the picture of Molly, recalling how much Molly loved children. She sat it down and picked up the carving Chakotay gave her. She clasped it in both her hands. She missed the loving relationship they shared on New Earth. She longed for the closeness that was left behind there. Setting it down, she placed her hand on the akoonah. She closed her eyes and focused on the Pacific coastline. In a few seconds, she opened her eyes and immediately saw her gecko. She plopped down in the sand and held her hand out. The little gecko crawled up onto her palm.

"Hello, little one," said the gecko softly.

"Hello, gecko, I need to seek your wisdom and counsel. I can't talk to my mother; she's almost 70,000 light years away. I'm so conflicted about what to do."

"What do you want, little one? What is your heart's desire?"

"I want to be with Chakotay, but my track record with fiancés is lousy. I lost Justin and my father in the same accident. Then, I got tossed 70,000 light years from Mark. Part of me feels so guilty for betraying him by getting involved with Chakotay."

"Little One, at the time, you thought that you would never see home again…that you would spend the remainder of your life on New Earth. You should not feel guilty. I can also tell you that Mark has moved on. He held onto hope longer than anyone else did. He finally accepted the fact that you were gone. He is now engaged to a woman with whom he works. He would only want you to seek happiness for yourself here in the Delta Quadrant."

"I guess I should have known he would have moved on by now. It doesn't hurt as much as I would have expected it too. I knew him for years…since we were kids…he was comfortable."

"So, little one, he was 'comfortable.'"

"Yes, we knew each other very well. We had been engaged for two months before I took Voyager into the badlands to find Chakotay."

"You were 'comfortable' together, but was that comfortableness the same as the love you feel for Chakotay?"

"I loved Mark, but somehow, that love is not the same as what I feel for Chakotay," she answered honestly.

"How was it different, Little One?"

"With Chakotay, it's as if we were joined as one soul while we were on New Earth. I…I never really felt that way with Mark. We lost track of each other for several years, then as adults, we ran into each other again. We were both working in San Francisco."

The gecko flicked his tongue out. "So, then what happened?"

"Well, we were both lonely. I was stationed at Star Fleet headquarters. Voyager was in the process of being constructed. I was waiting to take command as soon as she was ready. Mark and I started dating. As we spent more and more time together, I felt comfortable and happy. So when Mark asked me to marry him, I said yes."

"So you were comfortable and happy with him, Little One, but did you love him?"

"Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. They all said how right we were for each other."

"What everyone else thought is not what matters, Little One. Did you love him?"

"I cared for him," hedged Kathryn.

"Was it the caring of one friend for another, or was it the love of a woman for a man?"

"He was my best friend at the time. I was lonely. He asked me to marry him. I said yes. I just didn't want to be alone anymore. He was a good friend, and I thought perhaps that would be enough."

"Love is essential in a martial relationship, Little One. Do you love Chakotay, or are you merely comfortable with him as well?"

Tears began to trickle down her cheeks. "I do love him. I'm just so afraid."

"Afraid of what, Little One?" probed the gecko.

"Of losing him the way I lost the first man I truly loved."

"Ah, that would be Justin. Would he want you to never allow yourself to love a man again?"

"No," she whispered.

"You must not allow your fear to rule your life, Little One. Allow Chakotay to become close to you. He cares for you more than you can even imagine."

"How will I know when the time is right, gecko?"

"Follow your heart, Little One. You can always find your answers there. Follow as your heart leads you. All will work out in good time. I must go now. You will find your way, Little One, if you follow your heart."