A/N: Picking up on the pairings yet? ;)
Chapter Four: Breathe
Ulrich POV
After the day restarted, things were pretty boring. Faye hadn't remembered anything from before the return trip and was her polite and friendly self, Odd was the happy-go-lucky joker, Aelita was shy and sweet, Jeremy was nerdy and obsessive, Yumi was cool and kind, and William was irritating and stuck up. Most people thought I didn't like William because I had feelings for Yumi, but that wasn't true. I didn't even really have feelings for Yumi, other than friendly ones. I couldn't. I didn't like William simply because he was stuck up and annoying, never seemed to want to shut up, and always competing with me for Yumi's attention, even though there really wasn't a competition. I was trying to get her to not like me just as much as William was trying to get her to like him. It was complicated and frustrated me to no end.
"What are you thinking about, Ulrich?" Odd asked me as he put up his video game and lied down. We lie there in our underwear, though he also wore a shirt. He was more self-conscious than I, always had been. I looked away from him, up at the ceiling. Odd was the only one I really talked to about my problems, the one person I could truly tell stuff to, but I still had problems looking him in the eye whenever I talked about my feelings.
"Just thinking about the Yumi situation," I said, closing my eyes. "I really can't get her to stop liking me. I've tried everything. The more I try to pretend I like other girls or get angry when she hangs out with William, the more she seems to like me. I don't get it. How am I supposed to get her off my back if she likes it when I'm being a jerk?" I asked him, irritated by the whole situation.
"Have you tried acting like you like other guys?" Odd asked, grinning at me. I grabbed one of Kiwi's toys that had ended up near my bed and threw it at him.
"Of course not! She'd never be friends with me then," I said laying back down onto my pillow. "That's all I've ever wanted from her, you know?"
"I know, but obviously she doesn't. And do you really think that being a jerk is going to make her want to be your friend?" he added, rubbing the spot on his arm where the toy had hit him.
"Well, it's better than telling her I'm gay," I said, pulling my pillow over my face to hide my blush. Odd didn't know that I really was, so his jokes hit closer to home than I would have liked.
"Have you ever considered, I don't know, just telling her you aren't interested?" he asked a few moments later.
"Yeah. I just don't want to hurt her, you know?" I asked, pressing the pillow harder against my face and wondering how long it would take me to suffocate.
"I do know, but don't you think letting her believe you like her is hurting her?" I hated it when he asked these kinds of questions. It was like cheating. "And by the way, are you ever going to tell me about the person you do like?" I hated those questions even more. It was so ironic that he would ask them.
"No. I'm not," I said, quickly closing down that topic. "What am I supposed to say to her anyway?"
"Who? The girl you like?"
"No, Yumi."
"Just tell her that you're not interested. Tell her you like her a lot as friends, that you feel very close to her like that, but just don't look at her romantically."
"Yeah, because things are just that simple. How do you do it, Odd? Go back and forth from girl to girl and never let any of them get attached to you?" I moved my pillow and looked at him now. He was staring at the ceiling, not looking at me. He looked thoughtful, almost sad, which was strange for him.
"They just never seem to hold my attention for long… Or I don't hold theirs. And I think I prefer it that way," he said.
"Why though? Don't you want to, I don't know, find some girl to have a long lasting relationship with?" I asked genuinely curious.
"No, to be honest, I don't," he said, surprising me. "Mostly, I date girls because I'm expected to. My sisters and the rest of my family have all had a lot of dates with the opposite gender. When my oldest sister was in school, she dated every guy in her year, the year above hers, and the year below hers. I'm not saying we're all a bunch of players because it's encouraged in my family, it's just strange if a Della Robbia doesn't date a bunch of people. You kind of… don't make sense to the rest of us."
We sat quietly while I digested this. "So, you don't like any of the girls you date?" I asked finally. "None?"
"I liked Sam, but not any more than you like Yumi." Odd rolled over, facing me. "Really, you have to tell her."
"I know. It's just… I don't want to rock the boat with us. Not with everything we have to do on Lyoko," I said honestly. "I don't want things to get weird and then cause problems for everyone else," I added, though it wasn't needed.
"Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way," he said, taking in the thought. "I can see what you mean, but still. Who knows how long it's going to be until we finish off XANA? You have to tell her sometime, and if we don't finish him off for another three years, that's just time you have to spend with Yumi stuck to you." I groaned. He was right, of course. I just didn't want to admit it. "Face it, Ulrich, you're just making excuses. Maybe subconsciously you really do want her," Odd said softly.
"Don't be silly, Odd, I can't want Yumi," I said, shrugging it off.
"Why couldn't you?" he asked, sounding a little upset, which was, well, odd for him.
"Because, I just… don't. I can't, okay?"
"Because of the other girl?" he asked. "Because if it is, she better be prettier than Yumi, and she better love you more than Yumi, because Yumi really cares," he said, getting worked up, which really did surprise me.
"Um, no it isn't because there's another girl," I said, confusion leaking into my voice.
"But there is, isn't there? You're going to throw Yumi away even though she's put up with you for forever and she loves you and she helps you save the world every other day when XANA attacks. You're going to throw that away for some other girl you barely know, who doesn't love you, isn't your best friend. It's crazy Ulrich! You have something perfectly good right in front of you, waiting for you, but you're too blind to see her!" Odd burst out, scaring me a little bit.
"I can't love her, Odd!" I argued.
"And why not?" he asked angrily.
"What does it matter? I just can't!" I said, sitting up to look at him more clearly, leaning forward, angry at him. He mirrored my stance, sitting on his bed, leaning toward me.
"That's just an excuse! Why won't you tell me who the other girl is, huh?" he asked, a taunting note in his voice. "I bet there really isn't one, is there? It's just another good excuse!"
"You're wrong, Odd! You don't know what you're talking about!" I said angrily, hearing my heart beating in my ears.
"I do so! You're not happy with another girl, not happy with Yumi because you're happy to be miserable!" he said, standing over me. "You're happy to be miserable and push away people who care about you because you love to hurt, don't you Ulrich?! You just love the pain! Well, I'm tired of the pain! Yumi's great for you and if I can't keep you from being miserable with yourself, she's the next best thing!" he partially yelled. I was so angry, I stood up, too, and shoved him down onto the bed so that I was now standing over him and he was sitting.
"Don't you get it?" I asked, angrily. My fists clenched in rage. "I can't love Yumi. Not won't, Odd, can't. I wasn't lying, there is someone else, but the someone else is a guy." I took a deep breath, steeling myself for my next words. "I'm gay, okay? I can't love Yumi because I can't love a girl!" Odd looked up at me, shock written all over his face. Not a full second after I finished my statement, I realized what I had just done. I backed away, all rage replaced by sheer terror at what Odd's reaction would be. I wanted to look away from Odd's eyes, from those wonderful green eyes, but I couldn't. They held me there like nails in my feet. Finally, he lied down, turned his back to me.
"I'm sorry, Ulrich. I didn't know," he said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I won't tell anyone. You're secret is safe with me." I breathed a sigh of relief, trying to ignore the tears threatening to sting my eyes.
"It's okay," I said. My voice sounded strange even to my own ears. "Thanks, and… I'm sorry, too." I lied down in my own bed, foregoing the blanket, and instead lying on top of it. I faced away from Odd, too, as the tears started to spill over. I bit my lip hard, trying to breathe normally so Odd wouldn't hear.
"Ulrich?" Odd asked after a few moments.
I cleared my throat. "Yes, Odd?" I asked thickly.
"That guy… who is he?" he asked, a strange note to his voice.
"Someone really special, Odd. Someone more beautiful than Yumi. Someone who puts up with me so much more, who truly cares about me on a level I don't think she gets. Someone who saves my world every day," I say, my throat closing up again as fresh tears slipped out.
"Who?" he asked, again. I heard him sit up and turn to face me. I buried my face in my pillow for the second time that night, and curled around it on my side, leaving my back to him.
"My best friend," I said softly, but knowing he could still hear me. "You." Silence. Then more silence. Then more. "I'm sorry, Odd. I'm so sorry. I'll move dorms if you want. I didn't mean to fall for you, but… you're just... you're just so you, I couldn't help it, and…" I trailed off, then just buried my face in my pillow, trying to control the tears. I wondered again how long it would take me to suffocate.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. Instinctively, I scooted away, sure he was just doing it out of guilt. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his hand reaching out to touch my shoulder again, then rubbing against my upper arm. My heart stopped at his touch, or maybe just skipped beats. I wasn't sure. All I could be aware of was his hand on my arm, the dip of the bed where he sat. My tears still came, I couldn't help them, but he finally ended up getting up again. I buried my face more deeply in the pillow, wrapping it around so I couldn't hear him. I didn't want anything to do with Odd. Not now, not ever. I wished I'd never even met him. Of course, I knew even thinking it that it wasn't true. I loved Odd. I was just extremely upset. I'd just made sure that I'd lost him. How long before I blacked out? I shoved the pillow over my face harder, desperately trying to block out the air.
Something soft hit the back of my head and the bed behind it. A pillow? I lie still, perfectly still, tense all over. Odd pulled the blanket up, slid in behind me, and wrapped his arm around my waist, his body curving behind mine with the blanket between us from his stomach down. I found that strangely comforting. He pulled me back against him, fitting me perfectly against his body, which was strange because I was taller. His forehead rested against the back of my head and I sighed, thoroughly comforted. Slowly, so slowly, the tears stopped, and I pulled the pillow away from my face, spent. Only when I dried my face did I dare to turn around and look at him. He just smiled. I rolled over, facing him, and he pulled my head onto his chest. Not long after, I fell asleep, and it was the most peaceful sleep I'd had in years.
A/N: YAY CUZ ULRICH LOVES ODD! I told you at the beginning, the pairings were going to be questionable to some of you. Guess what? Don't like, don't read anymore. Those of you who do like, review? Maybe? Please? :) Until next chapter, dears!