"What was your team like?"
Niisan took a bite of noodles while Naruto stirred his bowl with slightly sluggish movements, watching the small fishcake spin slowly on top of the broth.
"Well, I told you that you remind me of Wasabi, but, you know, not that much. He had a good sense of humor too, but he preferred jokes more than pranks. Wordplay was his favorite thing; he loved the faces people would make when he tricked them into saying something that sounded dirty."
The Jounin snickered a little and took another bite of his food while Naruto started nibbling at his own bowl, depressing funk fading like morning mist before the dawn.
"Oh man, there was this one time though… Nikkei had turned 15 a few months before but she already had very well developed…" -Niisan stopped, hands held out in front of his chest, and coughed as Ayame-nee glared- "ehem… skills. It was a little funny too, because the Inuzuka are usually really chill about... that sort of thing, but whenever Wasabi slipped in a little innuendo she would flush like a tomato. Anyway, we were running a D-rank, doing some grocery shopping I think, and Wasabi made a crack about the 'ripeness of her melons' and she got really mad and stalked off so we had to complete the job by ourselves. We were a little worried she might have been really mad, but she came back the next day with a C-rank seduction mission to prove she did so have nice- um, skills."
Hiroki-nii slurped his ramen for a second while Ayame-nee stirred a big pot rather aggressively, still giving the Jounin a filthy look.
"Well, we were pretty surprised, because normally a seduction mission would be a B-rank, at minimum, and they only give those to Chunin and up, but apparently there were some extenuating circumstances that made this only a C-rank, so they'd be willing to give it to experienced Genin. One of the things was that the mission was in Tea Country, which doesn't have any ninja or much of a military, very peaceful place Tea. The other bit was the target; we were trying to get some info from the Minister of Agriculture."
Bracers glinted in the air as his brother poked in his direction with chopsticks. Naruto was just nodding along and finishing his fourth bowl of pork ramen, unhappy mood entirely forgotten.
"Now, Tea is a big exporter of, well, tea, which is a valuable industry, but most of the time when you're trying to do a little corporate espionage you'd go for the Minister of Commerce or something like that, right? But our client was a clever guy, and he did big trades on, oh, complicated business stuff, basically he just wanted to know if the crops were looking good or bad so he could decide whether to buy lots of tea because it was cheap, or sell lots of tea because it was going to be expensive, you see? So we were going after a minor target too, low risk, probably no competition from foreign ninja, easy job, take a couple weeks tops. Apparently the client had actually hired Konoha to run this very same mission five years in a row now, so we were pretty confident."
Naruto bobbed his as a long trail of noodles slid from the bowl all the way to his stomach, and even Ayame-neechan seemed interested despite her earlier irritation.
"Well, it wasn't until we actually got to Tea Country that we found out why it was really rated as a C-Rank. See, normally, even if there were no problems about enemy-nin it would still be a little higher ranked because of the… pressure on the Kunoichi, you know? But, it turned out that the Minister of Agriculture was a bit of a lech; his wife was an unbearable harpy and not very good looking either, so about once a month he would visit a certain brothel in the capital city. This brothel was special though, because it served some of the strongest Junmai-shu in the Elemental Nations; they must have had some sort of ninja yeast or something because I swear it had to be at least 30% alcohol, which is ridiculous, but worked out very well for us, because our target was a bit of a drunkard too. We talked to one of the teams that had run the mission before, and apparently the good Minister got so drunk so fast that he never tried anything more than heavy petting before falling unconscious, so the actual tricky bit was to get the information before he did, because once he was out he was out."
The blond flushed a little at the mention of pervy stuff, but kept nodding along. Perverts must be an endemic problem everywhere, not just Konoha.
"Anyway, so, we had infiltrated the brothel, right? Even back then I was a dab hand at genjutsu, so it wasn't hard to fake our way in. Me and Wasabi were posing as wait staff, bringing people drinks and things, and Sensei was posing as a… patron, while Nikkei was going to be a working girl. Now, this was a high class establishment you understand; the girls weren't quite geisha but they weren't that far below that level either, lovely silk kimonos all around. Sensei had a very nice plumb number on, and he had actually done something with his hair for once, which is going to be important in a bit here. So, imagine it for a moment."
Niisan waved his hands in gentle circles, painting the scene with words, and Naruto could almost see it in his mind's eye as it was described to him, smoky atmosphere and all.
"Nice little parlor space, dark wood everywhere, koi pond in the corner, little booths around the edges, dimly lit with scarves and pillow scattered around to make it seem cozy, stairs going up to the rooms, me and Wasabi walking around keeping quiet and bringing people drinks, and then... down those stairs walks a vision."
There was a soft reverence in Hiroki-nii's tone and the blond could picture it perfectly, though in his mind's eye the girl walking down the stairs had pink hair and a flowing teal kimono.
"We had never seen Nikkei dressed up before, she was an Inuzuka! They never put on anything as fancy as a kimono, but there she was in this gorgeous dark crimson thing, and she had her hair done up, and a little makeup on, and she had bathed recently so it was just… wow. I wasn't quite old enough to be really interested in girls yet but even I was impressed, and Wasabi looked like someone had hit him in the face with a club he was so surprised. You could see Nikkei had noticed, because she had this smirk on that would send chills down your spine she was so pleased with the effect she was having on him. The Minister had just walked in, and I used a little suggestion to pull his attention towards Nikkei while Wasabi diverted some of the other patrons so she could get to the target."
The Uchiha leaned in conspiratorially, and the orange ninja and shop girl leaned in a little as well, caught up in the mood.
"Now, the thing was, Nikkei might have cleaned up really well, but she was hardly a lady, and she had no idea what to say to the guy once she had him settled down and chugging sake like it was water, so she just sort of tittered a little and waved a fan in her face to hide that she was starting to feel a bit out of her depth."
Naruto snickered softly around his mouthful of ramen as niisan grinned at him and even Ayame-nee seemed reluctantly amused, if the slight quiver to her shoulders was anything to go by.
"Well, it was starting to get a little late, and the Minister was starting to get completely sloshed, slurring his words and everything, but Nikkei hadn't gotten the info she needed yet and she was starting to get really nervous, but she would be damned if Wasabi was right about her not being able to do this sort of thing so she mustered up her courage, and took a deep breath. She fluttered her fan a little slower, blinked her big pretty eyes, leaned in close, and in a breathy, husky, sexy voice said… 'hey baby, wanna bone?'"
The blond choked on a mouthful of ramen and there was a clattering sound from the kitchen as an empty pot fell off the counter. Hiroki-nii gave a wry smile and nodded sympathetically, patting him on the back to clear his throat.
"Yeah, that was about the response we had too. Wasabi tripped over his own feet into the koi pond, and I spilled some booze on the girl sitting by Sensei. Now, Nikkei, she got splashed a little when Wasabi fell over, and a little water got on her kimono, but she was trying to play it off like 'ooh, now I need to take off these wet clothes' and started slipping her shoulders out before she realized a fish had gotten launched out and slid down her back. She started freaking out a little trying to get it out while not showing anything was wrong, and the Minister was loving it, he thought she was doing some sort of sexy dance for him. Wasabi was trying to pull himself out of the pond, but my genjutsu was still lingering around him so people wouldn't pay as much attention, so no one was helping him. The girl I had spilled on slapped me up the head and stalked off while I was stammering out apologies, and while we were distracted the Minister had gotten dizzy from all the 'dancing' and passed out."
Naruto groaned sympathetically and shook his head, chuckling at the scene he could almost paint over his own teammates.
"So, now Nikkei is losing her mind, because the Minister only comes once a month and if it took that long to complete the mission we wouldn't get paid, the info wouldn't be worth anything. So, she ripped off her kimono and threw it away, which made this other old guy trip over Wasabi to land on top of me, and she started shaking the Minister yelling at him to wake up and tell her she was pretty, and Wasabi thought that I was being molested by the old guy on top of me, and Nikkei is bursting into tears and completely ruining her nice makeup so she looked like a raccoon, all because she was so stressed about failing the mission and everything, until Sensei wanders up and says 'good work team!'"
Now they were all laughing outright, even Teuchi, who had poked his head out of the kitchen a few moments ago to see what the commotion was about.
"So, we're all just staring at him, because as far as we could tell the mission was a total wash, but! Remember how I said Sensei had dressed up really nice? Well, the girl I had splashed sake on had been wearing a very similar kimono and sitting just to the side of him, and the moment she got up to leave the guy she had been chatting up was distracted, he didn't notice, he just thought she had moved over a little. So that guy had been trying to get with Sensei for a few minutes, and whenever Sensei tried to put him off he had just started boasting more grandly to try and impress the 'beautiful girl'. The best part of it though, was that Nikkei had gotten the wrong guy! The Minister had a cousin who looked just like him, and apparently they came to the brothel together sometimes; Nikkei had snagged the cousin, but the actual Minister had gotten Sensei! So while we were flailing around like chickens with our heads cut off, he was getting all the info. Apparently he thought we were generating a smoke-screen so he could do the job uninterrupted, and well, we were hardly going to correct him, were we?"
Naruto was left laughing so hard he could barely breathe, slapping at the table as he tried to get his breath back. Ayame-nee had buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking with laughter as someone pushed aside the hangings to poke their head into the stall.
"Naruto? Ahh, I thought I heard your laugh, how are you doing? Oh, who's your friend?"
A familiar ponytailed figure sat down at the counter with them. Naruto grinned broadly at the newcomer.
"Iruka-sensei! This is my new Sensei, Hiroki-nii!"
Naruto's (oldest) favorite teacher looked surprised as he glanced over at Hiroki-nii.
"Oh? That's great Naruto!" -he turned towards the Jounin- "It's nice to meet you Hiroki-san. I hope Naruto hasn't been giving you any trouble?"
Naruto thought that the expression on the visible portion of his brother's face looked a little teasing, and he had a sudden premonition of impending doom.
"Oh, no trouble at all, though I must admit I'm a little upset with him now; he never told me his Academy teacher was so good looking, and yet he talks about you all the time."
Iruka-sensei blushed a little and chuckled good naturedly, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment, but Naruto could have died. Hiroki-nii was the lamest.
"Hah, well, I was just stopping to see what Naruto was up to; I should get these groceries back to my apartment."
The Chunin hoisted a bag brimming with various ingredients, a large daikon radish poking out of the top. Hiroki-nii raised an eyebrow and smiled slightly.
"Oh my, what a large one you've got there. Will you need any help using all of that?"
Iruka-sensei's ponytail bobbed as he nodded cheerfully. Naruto frowned, a sudden instinct making him suspicious that the danger was not yet passed.
"Oh, not to worry; I've gotten good at managing by myself."
The Uchiha smiled a little wider.
"But that's so lonely, particularly for such a sizable delicacy; I generally don't see something that big unless my girlfriend is looking to experiment a little. It'd be a shame to see such a fine specimen not get all the attention it deserves."
Iruka cocked an eyebrow curiously, ponytail bobbing as he tilted his head.
"What did you have in mind?"
Hiroki-nii's smile was downright predatory now, glinting sinisterly in the sun's waning light.
"Well…"
The Jounin leaned in close to whisper in Iruka's ear, taking longer than Naruto felt was really necessary, particularly seeing as how the flush on the Academy teacher's face got deeper and deeper as time went on until the black haired teen leaned back into his seat.
"At least, that's what I would do with it."
Iruka-sensei seemed to have broken, because after stammering out something which wasn't quite a sentence he pulled a quick about face and stumbled out of the restaurant. Naruto glowered at his brother aggrievedly, taking a vicious bite out of his ramen.
"Why do you have to be so weird?"
His brother leaned back on the stool casually, smiling after the rapidly retreating Chunin as Ayame-nee fought back tears of mirth behind the counter.
"Because I love you."
. . .
A/N: Hiroki has a dirty mind.
Fun fact: Part of the reason Wasabi like wordplay rather than jokes proper is because the lack of setup made Hiroki's reactions more genuine. If you started telling him a joke, he'd know it was supposed to be funny and laugh regardless. Puns and innuendo were more spontaneous and so if Hiroki laughed it was because he thought it was actually funny.
Sadly, a lot of the humor in the retelling of a story is lost without proper gestures and emphasis.
Anyway; just some slice of life stuff. You can't be miserable all the time, not really, but Saturation is told from Hiroki's PoV, and he focused on negatives. :(