Okay, so bad news everyone- between my shitty internet, my shitty laptop, and my shitty self, I was unable to figure out how I was going to live read the chapter(Don't feel too sad about it though, I was going to prank you all and read an Omake anyway.).
So instead of that, I decided to do two things: One, on my profile there is a poll up to determine who MooMoo-Senpai will fight at the end of this Arc- and not the shit fights I've been posting either, this fight will be the length of the entire chapter- so you have that to look forward to, meat fags- I mean bags!
The second, and more important of the two, is that I am going to be releasing my NEW STORY up much earlier then I had anticipated(You guys were going to have to wait until about chapter 10 to read it, I believe-), and that very story will be posted up either tomorrow or Monday. So these are the consolation prizes boys; read them and masturbate to your hearts content- I know I will.
Oh yeah, and like always, visit The World of Bleach RPG and make an account to see good old MooMoo-Senpai in real life- happy trails, meat fags~
So there I was- alone, panting angrily at myself as the girl that deceived me left, nonplused about the whole situation.
Seemed like just another night after sex-
But it wasn't. I had just been fucked sideways(Again, seemed like just another night to me-); my life turned on it's axis as I had lost my powers; the only solace other than my left han- I mean Jill- in this world.
I don't think I have ever been so livid before- no, livid wasn't good enough a word to describe my rage. Actually there probably wasn't a word out there that could describe it- so I'll make a new one!
Enlividated.
… It's a work in progress.
Anywho, it would appear that I am stuck in a sticky situation; I have one of two options: Follow her into what could very likely be my impending doom, or walk away and never look back at the very creepy doors that I swear are staring at me if I didn't know better.
I could have gone with option three, which was use Jill to her fullest(Because what other uses does she have other than pleasuring me? None, that's what-), but currently she was away visiting her aunt flow.
Don't ask me how that works, I'm just as confused as hell as you all are.
Now, usually, I'd easily go with option 1, and go to beat the shit out of her after I found her(The phrase of 'Don't hit a girl' went down the toilet the minute I lost my 'Sword'- the literal one, and not the one stuffed in my pants right now.), but now that I had a minute to think and ponder my situation, I was having second thoughts.
Oracion was obviously stronger than I remembered her, if that imposing Reiatsu I had felt from her before was any indication, and who knew HOW powerful the entities on the other side of that door(If there really was another side to the door- I was still skeptical she didn't use a Garganta to try and 'Punk' me.) were, and what with me losing the only powers I knew how to use, going through that door wasn't a very bright idea.
"You should go." And so the bitch speaketh forth.
You realize you thinking it's a good idea to go is only making me more skeptical about going through, right? "Yes, I do- but going through that door could very well lead you to even greater power than you had before." Oh yes- because it's not like MORE POWER was the reason I lost most of mine in the first place! "Okay, let me rephrase that: Going through is the only way you'll get your power back."
Well, not like I had much of a choice now, do I(Reminds me of the time I was given the choice of either dying or being killed- decisions, decisions.)?
Letting out a grunt, I got up and headed for the door(Yet another thing I always did after the woman left because of lackluster performances-), and took a minute to examine it closer then a few yards away.
Dark, creepy, old as hell(Looked like my ex a bit- EYOOOOOO!), rusty and looking rikkity as shit. The only thing new looking was the ungodly white doorknob connected to the door that looked like it was straight out of the factory.
"The hell is something so white doing in a place where nothing but black hangs out-" I muttered to myself(I'm not just racist to blacks- I'm multi-racist! Racist to all kinds of races- the Asians, the Mexicans, the Eskimos, the Whites, the eskimos, the French, the Eskimos- god damn Eskimos!).
Oh well, I probably spent enough time taking jabs at people who don't even know it(And people that do, make angry comments on it, who I then ignore-), so I decided to grab the knob(No Homo-) and right as I was going to pull, I suddenly had a change of heart.
"You know what- fuck it. I don't need my powers- and they are certainly not worth getting myself killed over, so I think-" "Oh for the love of- GET ON WITH IT!" Yeesh- tough crowd.
Gulping, I slowly inched the door open(I don't care if she used it and it didn't fall on her- having a large metal door fall on your foot without regenerative abilities fucking hurt!), and for each inch I pulled, the door creaked as if it wasn't used EVER, and soon enough, the entire door was opened, revealing nothing but black destitute. "Um, okay, the fuck-" I had no further time to think on this as the doorway soon pulled me into it's contents.
No one ever told me this shit was haunted, damn it(I swear I could hear a voice telling me 'You didn't ask' somewhere-)!
I'm not sure what went on around me, as my eyes were closed and I felt as if I would be ripped in twain as my body went through what felt like a medieval rack as I felt my limbs stretch and contract, and soon enough my organs felt like they were on fire, melting as my blood started to evaporate it was boiling so much-
I've only felt this way that one time the girl was kinky and got really into it!
Unlike last time, however, I didn't have regeneration so this wasn't going away anytime soon
After what felt like eternity(Or 37 seconds- when you're in excruciating pain, the only way for you to pass time is to count it.), the pain finally stopped(Or I should say the production of the pain went away- I still feel like I just had either the best or worst sex with a BDSM ever- possibly both.), and my body didn't feel like it was going through a copying machine.
The whole experience felt worse then the time Goat Chin had gotten the broom and shoved it into a place that shouldn't have ever been touched- gave him a good old fashioned beating all day for that one.
… Who the hell is Goat Chin, and why do I have the sudden urge to clench my butthole?
Shaking my head, I stood up from the gravelly road that was beneath me. I had no idea where I was at, there was just white massive walls topped of with wooden roofs-
Freezing, I looked up.
Oh shit! Why was I in the Seireitei?! I was lied to, and now I was gonna get fucked in the ass because of it! I should have known when she said she killed the damn Sou-Taicho that she had to have a way into their damn strong hold-
"Hey, you there, what are you doing here?!"
I had to suppress my urge to run when I thought 'Shit! It's the popo!'.
"You know you shouldn't be here-" And here comes the alarms that spell nothing but "free ass raping here!"- "Squad 2's Barracks are over to the left- damn rookies." The Shinigami shook his head and pointed towards a large building in not too far from our location. "This is the Seventh Division- better go head over to Soifon-Taicho before her infamous short temper gets the better of her." What what in the butt butt?
He sighed. "Did you not hear the orders- all non Ranking Officers are to stay inside the Barracks due to the threat the Ryoka pose against not only the Seireitei, but all of Soul Society as well!" We weren't really dangerous unless provoked first- like a crocodile sitting harmlessly until a person decides to shit on it(Try figuring that reference out-); we just wanted to finish this rescue mission and be out of dis bitch-
Not really sure why I thought that, but, okay-
He sighed. "I'd hurry if I were you- she doesn't accept insubordination very well. Now if you'll excuse me, I, Tetsuzaemon Iba, lieutenant of Squad 7, have a date with the nearest restroom-" With that he grabbed his stomach and started to waddle down the street(Best guess was the guy had a turtle problem.).
"Okay- how did he not recognize me, and why did he not try to apprehend me?" It was well known that anyone who could warrant any kind of threat for either side(Hollow or filthy Shinigami.) was warned about by everyone so that they could be easily recognizable if seen, and then be that much easier to find and beat the tar out of.
And while I didn't like to brag(Since when?), I posed a very substantial threat to any Shinigami, so my name and appearance were fairly known around Seireitei- if not the whole Soul Society. So why was I not currently getting my ass kicked by several Captains and instead being told to go to the Squad 2 Barracks?
Was I really in another Universe? I mean- this 'Soifon' did not ring any bells, so maybe it was.
Only one way to find out-
The inside of the Barracks were plain white- Spartan in design, with nothing more than necessary anywhere. It was why I was surprised to not have run into anybody else either, because their really didn't seem like anywhere else to go in the place. Hell, it wasn't until I found the outside training grounds inside the damn thing that I was confronted by anyone.
"Who are you, and why are you in my Barracks?" A cold voice from behind me asked as I swung around and looked for the owner- oh, there she was, aaaaaaaall the way down there.
Don't tell her I made a short joke on her behalf.
And right beside her was- HOLY SHIT, HOW CAN A BAG OF LARD WALK?!
You can tell fatty fat fat that I made a fat joke about him though- don't really care much about him.
"Um, Taicho, I thought you knew me?! I'm the new, uh, recruit!" It's a good thing I'm playing the part of a rookie Shinigami and she's giving me the second coldest glare I've ever been given(First goes to Saber-Chan for that one time I accidentally burned all her photo's of Justin Bieber… Okay it wasn't an accident, and I was totally justified in doing so.) so I can pass off the hesitance as fear against her.
"I'm not an idiot, you weren't here earlier for the initiation of the new Onmitsukidō, plus, you aren't even in our uniform-" looking down confirmed that I wasn't in their uniform(If their uniform was the same as the ones I knew, at least-), in fact, I wasn't even in my original clothes, either-
I was in a modified Shinigami outfit with a red rosary like strap across my waist that sort of looked like a kite with a flat top and bottom. I could only imagine what this freaky deaky shit did to my perfect hair-
"Yes, well, you see, I may or may not have got lost on my way to the Division this morning from the academy, and I also, maybe, kind of sort of, lost my uniform- pretty fun, huh?" I chuckled weakly as she glared even harder at me.
"... Show me your Zanpakuto." My wah? "Taicho! Surely you are not going to believe him! Besides, even if he had one, it was reported that one of the Ryoka was a-" "Be quiet Ōmaeda! I will be the judge of this myself." Not quite sure who she disliked more right now- me or him.
My money was on him-
"My, Zanpakuto, yes1 I will show you my Zanpakuto-" And maybe my other zanpakuto if I play my cards right as well, heh heh- "No perverted thoughts while I'm in your head." And once again, bitchy Mcgee comes out for a nice chit chat-
I will think whatever I want, it's my mind, in fact- "Oh god, it burns! Guess she received that steamy scene of her and Soifon doing less than pure things inside a mud pit-
Don't judge me about what I think in my mind- you jack asses.
I was reminded that I had a task to do as the Captain coughed into her hand and looked at me bored. "Right, sorry- here it is." With that I held out my hand and the sword from before materialized in it.
"T-Taicho! It has to be him- the Reaper that was reported to be with the Ryoka was said to have an oversized-" "An oversized Khyber like knife- I heard. But you fail to realize that isn't the correct shape or size of a khyber knife, and many other Shinigami in the past have had unwieldy Zanpakuto." She turned to me. "That doesn't make you any less a suspect though- so I'll need you to show me something else."
My other Sword?
"A Kido spell."
Aw hell, it's never the dick.
"You want me to how you-" "A Kido spell- yes. The Ryoka was said to have taken the prisoner Rukia Kuchiki's powers, but that doesn't mean he took her knowledge as well, so he should have no knowledge of our techniques- so go ahead and show me one. Anyone will do." Yes, that's would be child's play- if I could use Kido that is.
"You can, you moron- if you hadn't noticed, you've been using these Reaper's techniques ever since you lost your other powers!" I WHAT?! "Anytime you've sent Reiatsu into your legs? A botched version of Shunpo. Your sword? It's a Zanpakuto- Release and all. Hell, even your ability to sense people is more akin to a Shinigami now!" Oh I am so fucking pissed right now- no; enlividated!
That still needs fucking work!
"I'd hurry- any longer and that Captain will catch on." Shit- just because you say I can use these things doesn't mean I automatically know how! Uh, uh, what is the easiest one I know and can remember?
Damn it, a Student using Kurohitsugi is not normal!
"So, your brother's a prodigy, huh?" "That's right! He's a very powerful Shinigami, one of the best even! He's especially good at Kido- in fact, he's called the Lightning Master for his mastery in the Lightning spells we use. His favorite was always Byakurai though- no idea why as it's such a low leveled one, but he uses it with a grace and dignity you can only dream of!"
Weird how I remembered something not mine- oh wait, the fourth spell!
"Hado Number 4: Byakurai!" Not knowing where to actually use the damn thing, I awkwardly pointed my finger at a bag of chips fat ass was eating from before and set aside, and fired. I don't even think my sword expected the crisp and clean bolt of lightning that came out of my finger and all but incinerated the bag and almost his leg as he yelped and moved to the side even though the blast was long gone by now.
Well that certainly wasn't something a student could do(I doubt a regular Lieutenant could do that-), so I think the jig was up.
"Moron!" She slapped me upside the head(Must have had to reach rather far from all the way down there-) as she seethed. Okay, apparently she wasn't very happy her Lieutenant almost just- "You could have ruined my Barracks!" Okay, apparently she wasn't happy I almost blasted her Barracks walls.
"Yeah, you could have destroyed- wait, heeeey!" And he apparently wasn't very pleased his Captain didn't care about him.
Couldn't blame her.
"Whatever- watch where you're pointing that thing next time!" He went to also slap me in the head, but I turned to the Captain at the last moment, causing him to miss and fumble until he fell to the ground.
Hot little Asian chick I was okay getting hit by- very large flamboyant fat man who hadn't seen his dick in the last 30 years, not so much.
"So, um, ma'am, where do I go to get my uniform?" She sighed and shook her head(I had the strangest feeling it was at her incompetent buffoon of a Lieutenant- just me?) as she exited the training grounds and motioned me to follow her.
"You realize what you just did not even my Lieutenant can do, right?" "To be perfectly honest Taicho, it would be an insult to say he could do anything better than anyone." She snorted at that(She had quite a cute snort… I have the weirdest fetishes as I am just now realizing.). "Yes, I've noticed. But that doesn't change the fact you are no doubt the Ryoka we were warned about." I sighed. "Yeah, kind of obvious- that begs the question of why you aren't attempting to apprehend me though."
She stopped just outside the Barracks and turned to me. "One simple fact- along with you, a Hispanic human and orange haired girl, and what was reported to be a Quincy, had entered the Seireitei with you along with a Shiba. Am I right?" Seeing no harm in affirming that, I nodded. "See, I don't care about that-" Gee, thanks for asking anyway I guess. "But it was also reported that you were accompanied by a black cat. What. Is. It's. Name?" I didn't like the glint in her eyes as she asked that- but I was caught in a jam, so I really had no other way out.
"Uuuuum, I think it was, Yoru something-" Her eyes hardened. "I see." We just sat in silence for a minute, before I couldn't take it anymore. "So, uh, little minx, that cat yours, or you just lookin' to get your rocks off-" I didn't get to finish as she just turned from me and started to walk in the other direction. Well.
Good talk.
On her way out of the street, she shrugged past a Shinigami, causing them both to stop as the tiny Captain glanced at the figure, then back at me, before continuing on. What the hell could have made her sto- oh god damn it only one other person had orange hair like that-
And that was me.
Wait, no it wasn't, mine was- orange, as when I picked a lock up it was the same color.
The hell was going on- first these memories, then the outfit, and now even my appearance that shouldn't change- ever. I had to think this over, but first-
"Orihime, where are the others?" She turned from staring at the retreating Captain, to look at me, and her mouth fell open. "Ku-Kurosaki-Kun…?" "Yeah, something like that." I muttered as I shook my head and took her arm and started to drag her towards a manhole(Is it called that here in Soul place- probably not.). "You- You aren't Kurosaki-Kun!" She stopped allowing me to drag her and I had to sigh.
We didn't have much time before the Shinigami realized who we were, and she obviously wouldn't budge because she realized I wasn't the dense(And, most probably, late Kurosaki Ichigo.) idiot she knew and loved, so I had to do something quick. Hm, she seemed rather innocent-
"Of course I am, so pucker up for dear 'Kurosaki-Kun'-" I said in my best imitation of his voice(Which might have been spot on if the widening of her eyes and recognition that flashed in them were anything to go by-) and leaned down to kiss her.
She, quite honestly, was the best kiss I have ever had- that's not to say she was a good kisser(Far from that, actually; she was as good at kissing as I was at dieing- terrible at it.), but the fact that I just felt sparks fly as I embraced her and deepened it was just to die for. Then, just to ensure that I had her wrapped around my finger(If only-), I softly bit her bottom lip as she mewled(Holy shit, something that adorable should be illegal-) and reached in to start tongue wrestling with her.
For her part, she just looked into my eyes, her own glazed over as we finally finished the kiss. "So-" I leaned down again and licked the bit of drool she was leaking out of her open mouth. "Hime-Hime, just call me by my middle name, Uxukie, from now on, hm?" And down she went like a sack of potatoes(Here's looking at you, Fraccion 4!) into my arms. Man did I love innocent girls.
The only thing I liked better was corrupting said girls.
Of course, the kid had no middle name that I could recall, I just said he did so she would call me something other than 'Kurosaki-Kun' all the time. Still, I felt kind of bad that I was deceiving her like this-
"... Byakurai!" Shit! Picking her up, I narrowly avoided the lightning penetrating my heart(Shot through the heart, and you're to blame~) and instead had it go through my left shoulder, causing blood to splatter everywhere. Fuck, I had to carry her, and my left arm was now numb from the lightning sizzling my nerves.
Looking back to see who had the balls to even ATTEMPT to hit me, I saw the fat ass from earlier, and he did not look pleased. "Oh, it's only you fat ass- for a second there I thought I was in trouble!" I let out a hearty laugh. "Oh man, I should have known it was you from the failed attempt of a Hado that I used perfectly earlier! But in all seriousness, I would run now before I decide to kick your ass." I gave him a hardened glare that would have worked to have him piss his pants and run, if not for the fact I was bleeding from the shoulder with my one not useless arm holding the new coming of BewbsMcBewbsAlot.
So right now all it did was cause him to shiver and have his knees shake. "Y-You can't fool me! You're weakened, and you have to protect your wench over there-" A lightning bolt whizzed past his head.
Damn- praying I hit him when I swung my arm up and fired failed.
"That's it! Just die! Crush, Gegetsuburi!" Oh shit-
I didn't have time to finish my joke(It involved saying that the ball weighed less then him, damn it!) as I had to dodge to the side as the giant metal morning star crashed into my previous position. I still didn't have time to think as I had to move again as he appeared where I had been standing and chucked the ball he was holding onto the same spot I had been not 2 seconds before.
How the hell did something with it's own orbit move so fast damn it?!
Cursing, I leapt onto the wall surrounding us as the flail hit my previous position again(That thing was getting closer and closer every time it went flying-), causing dust to fly every where.
My only hope was to get to that manhole and escape underground(Something told me that anyone with that amount of jewelry wasn't going to go down into the literal shitter-), so bucking up, I sprinted to where I knew it was under the smoke. Sadly, he seemed to know my plan as the damn flail that I was getting oh so attached to came flying at me. I wouldn' be able to dodge in time, so I instead switched sides that it would hit, letting my left arm take the brunt of the damage as I went rolling mid-air before plopping down onto the ground with Orihime on top of me.
"Bwahaha- I knew you were no match for me, punk! Now, you will-" Oh how I wished I could shut him the hell up, but sadly, with a now broken arm and bruised left side, I was in no position to do so. The damn sewer was so close though, I could smell it(Smelled surprisingly not like shit, for anyone wondering.), and I was not giving up this far in! But what could I do to- oh, duh. Filthy Shinigami magic.
"Disintegrate, black dog of Rondaniini, look upon your burning soul and sever your throat! Bakudo Number 9: Geki!" Snapping my fingers, the tub of lard stopped mid rant as he started to glow red. Now that he was frozen, I took that chance to run as fast as I could right now to the hole.
"I'd say it's been fun, fatty fatty 2 by 4, but I don't like lying in the presence of ladies-" With that, I set Orihime down, opened the hole, then grabbed her again. "DIE!" Looking behind me, my eyes couldn't even widen as the giant ball crashed right on top of me.
Luckily, the man hole was open so I was just given a one way trip to the bottom at frightening speeds with a relatively damaged body.
I lost consciousness way before I even hit the ground below, but I made sure I took the brunt and not the cargo I was holding onto.
"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" God damn it, I was having an awesome dream about the same girl who just woke me up! "What, did the flying toaster strudels invade Poland again?" I asked as I sat up and opened one eye.
That was one of the weirder memories I got from Kurosaki.
"Wha-What happened to you Kurosaki-Kun?!" She yelped and pointed at me. What about me? "What about me?" I asked her as I stood up fully, favoring my right side for obvious reasons as I went over to the filthy water to see just what changed about me.
Still the same height(Barely above average- sadly.), still decked in the filthigami garb, with my sword on my back(Huh- guess that cushioned my fall a bit, because a the speed and height I was at, my back should surely be broken.), along with spiky orange hair that went everywhere. Weird- my hair color wasn't orange. My left eye had also changed, being a deep brown instead of the usual hazel they had been, but my other eye had stayed the same dark red color(I was naturally heterochromatic.).
"Pl-Please sit down Kurosaki-" "Uxukie, I told you that after that steamy session we shared, remember." I'm sure she heard my smirk from my voice without even turning around, just like I didn't have to turn to see the atomic blush spread across her face. "R-Right, Kur- er, Uxukie-Kun, um, please sit down, and I'll treat your wounds-" I waved her off with my right arm.
"Bah- I've had worse before, they'll heal. But what about you- that fall hurt you?" I turned around to see her bow her head. "No, I'm alright- but you're really hurt!" She whispered as she glanced at my broken arm. "Oh come on- I can still fight with this thing, watch this!" With that, I went over to the wall and punched it with my broken hand.
"..."
"..."
"... Um, are you-"
"In pain? Yes- excruciatingly so." I sighed and walked over to Orihime, then sat down and gave let her grab my broken arm. "Just do what you want to do quick- we have to get out of here soon and find the others." She nodded and touched her hair pin. "Right- this will be over quick." She slowly breathed in and out(How the hell was this quick-).
"Sōten Kisshun, I reject-" She what? Rejects my broken arm?
Is she one of those Holocaust rejectors?
To my utter shock, a half oval type shield wrapped around my arm, giving it a weird warm feeling as within seconds, it was as good as new.
What-the-actual-fuck.
"Did- Did you just reject my arm and fix it?" I had to ask- nowhere in his damn memories did it say this little girl could fucking fix wounds that fast.
I wish I had the fucking ability to say "Nope, I'm not wounded." And have it actually be true!
"Huh? Oh, yes, that's right, I haven't told you yet. These are my powers- I can heal, attack, and even summon this neat little shield using the cutest little fairies that you can imagine-" She jumped up and down squealing(And also giving me quite the show.) as I examined my arm. It looked healed, felt healed, and even felt brand new- too new.
This wasn't my arm- my arm had a faint scar running across the hand from a time when I was tortured for days on end and constantly stabbed in several places(My hand was one of them-) with a drug running through my system that increased my nerve sensors and slowed my healing factor, causing me untold amounts of pain.
The scar was missing.
This left several possibilities; one was that she didn't fix my arm, but instead replaced it with another(Or god forbid, transferred the damage over to her-), another was that she had EXTRAORDINARY healing capabilities(This was probably the lowest possible one- I've tried many things, and visited healing experts across the world, but the scars would not heal- and I doubt a teenage girl could do better than any of them.), and there was the slight, slight, possibility that the healing was just a fool to the senses, devised to fool me into thinking it was healed so my body wouldn't hinder my motions, but that was a slim to no chance at all(I don't think she, bless her heart, had the capability to have something so complex as an ability.).
There were,of course, other theories- but these were the most prominent ones.
"Let me see your arm, Hime-Hime." I winced as I leant over and grabbed her left arm(My back was still rather sore and the entirety of my left side still felt like I got run over by Fluffy when he was on katnip high- not sure why that shit works on him though, considering he's a damn wolf.). Looking over her arm, I saw nothing wrong with it, so that theory was busted.
Seriously- if she could replace limbs though, I would totally have her do my penis next.
"Alright, now that that is done, we have to-" I stood up and dusted myself off. "Get out of here and-" "But- you're still hurt." She whispered as she looked at the rather bold purple splotch on the side of my stomach that stuck out like a sore thumb as I didn't have a shirt and my Shihakushō was opened from me checking out my body earlier(And I must say- I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.). I was kind of surprised she didn't blush up a storm when she saw my abs and pecs, but threw that away to dismiss her.
"Don't worry about it, you fixed the worst of it-" The crack my back just made from taking a few steps forward said otherwise- "... We have to find the others anyway and can't spend anymore time down-" "Sit down." I rose an eyebrow in surprise as I looked back at her sitting on the floor, head down. "Excuse me? We need to-" YOU need to sit down and shut up." She rose her head and dark eyes(Those are darker then what fucking Stevie Wonder can see-) stared back at me as a shiver crawled down my spine. Oh my-
I had the weirdest boner.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Don't think you can tell me what to do here, my sweet Hime-Hime. Every second we waste down here is another that could be spent finding and possibly saving your friends." "Then you should just get over here so I can heal the rest of you so we can go." Okay, this was starting to tick me off now- "Orihime. Here. NOW!" I wasn't sure what happened next, but suddenly a yellow blur shot past my head, and I instinctively reached my hand towards my cheek to see that there was blood leaking down my cheek.
Slowly raising my widening eyes, I was met with the most terrifying sight I had feasted my eyes on.
Orihime was now standing, eyes closed, hair flying everywhere as she smiled a smile much too sickly sweet for my tastes and held her hand to her hairpin, and it was only then that I realized a small being posed at my neck, ready to chop it off at any moment. "Oh won't you pretty please come over here, Uxu-Kun, so I can patch you up before I have to make even MORE wounds I have to patch up~"
I couldn't have sat down near her faster even if I had Sonido.
I don't mess with crazy psycho bitches- especially of the Yandere type! Why does no one TELL me these things, damn it?!
After about ten minutes, I was all healed up except for the cut on my cheek she(She kept insisting she did nothing, but I wasn't stupid and know she was using the loophole of 'I didn't do anything- but my fairy did!' from my question.) made. "Can we go NOW?!"
Even I had standards folks, and psycho girlfriend was not on that list(Seriously contemplating the fact that she too could have been overrun by another being just like Ichigo was, but I'm not entirely sure, and even if I was, I have no fucking clue who the hell had taken over for her.)
Can't say you didn't learn shit from this chapter now, either-
"Yes, freedom- I mean, outside, yay!" I yelled as we finally stepped out of the manhole cover into the Seireitei again(And she was back to her bubbly old self too- so apparently she was a Bipolar too. Joy.)"Okay, so, I know I said, that we'd, uh, go search for your- I mean our, friends and all, but, uh, I suddenly had a change of heart about those bastards- especially that Quincy- and decided to go looking for Rukia, while you can go and find them! Okay, good discussion, let's go Team Karakura!" With that said, I ran away as fast as I could, whooping all the while(If anyone asked me why, I'd say for team Karakura- if I had to say the truth, it would be because I finally got away from Bridezilla. Don't worry, I'll be sure to call when she's not so… Bipolarish-).
Panting, I slid to a stop in front of another Barracks(Not sure which- I just stopped after running as fast and as far as I possibly could.), taking a moment to catch my breath. Okay, now that I was alone, it was time to assess my surroundings.
I was stuck in a foreign world, with my only way out somewhere in Soul Society(Most likely hidden, as it wouldn't be any good for a Hollow like Oracion to up and appear suddenly in front of any Shinigami.), then, on the other hand- I apparently absorbed this 'Ichigo Kurosaki' into myself, and now held his memories, and also somewhat his appearance, and had to now debate with myself: Free Rukia Kuchiki like he was going to do up until I pulled a Rob Schneider and soul jacked his ass while turning into him(Partially-), or screw everyone and just find my ticket home.
Not gonna lie, option two seems like the golden ticket here-
I was going to continue on my merry little way, but I was stopped by a voice.
"Oh ho- what have I here? One of the Ryoka?! An this one feels strong too!" Turning around, I was met with- BALD! BALD! BALD! Sorry, the sun glinting off cue ball there blinded me for a second there-
"This must be my lucky day, to meet such a worthy opponent! And for this, I must commence: THE LUCKY LUCKY DANCE!" Holy shit, has this guy never played Just Dance before? Because I've seen better moves in Glee.
And that is saying something.
"Okay, now it's fight time!" He stopped his dance that made him look constipated to clap his hands together and rub them as he then took out his sword. "Can I get a rain check on that, because I really, really don't want to touch you-" I had to grab my own sword to block his diagonal strike, then continue to parry his blows as he kept hacking and slashing at me like-
Holy shit, was that really how I fought?!
None too pleased with that revelation, I shoved his blade out of the way by kicking the hand he was holding the sword, and then slashing at his head, getting a shallow cut along his scalp line. "Wanna just, I don't know, walk away from this and get a drink, or something?" He paused, and for a second I actually thought he would accept, but that came crashing down the minute he opened up his pommel and used some ointment from inside to close the wound on his head.
Oh come on-
"Oi! That's cheating, you nub!" He seemed to get annoyed by that(Good- cheating nub deserves it.). "It is not! A true warrior uses whatever he has at his disposal to win his fights!" Oh, I was going to make chrome dome regret that- "Oh really? Well then think fast!" I quickly took off my pants, revealing my penguin boxers I had underneath, and threw it at him.
He wasn't expecting that it seems(I mean- who the hell expects their opponent to go half nude and throw articles of their clothing at you?), so the pants hit him right in the face. "AH! Freshly washed Hakama pants! My one weakness!" It's shit that like that that makes me not want to touch Shinigami-
Quicker than he could get my pants off, I slashed at his chest and took my pants back, causing blood to spill everywhere. Callin' that one 'You got Pantsed!'.
"Gah- you call me a cheater, and then do THAT?!" "Hey, you're the one saying anything at our disposal- just be lucky I didn't use my underwear too!" I said as I slipped back on my pants. He clenched both his teeth and fists at that. "Damn- he has me there!" Of course I do, crazy bald guy. "Alright- no more kidding around, things get serious from here on out!" He closed his wound with most of his ointment again, then twirled his sword and then stopped it as it was pointing at me.
"But first- what is the name of the worthy opponent with which I am doing battle today?" Eh, guess it couldn't hurt to give him a name- "Ichigo Kurosaki." Of course it wasn't gonna be my name- I didn't want him coming for me at all after this fight.
"Oh? You know what they say about those with 'Ichi' in their name, no?" No, and you're obviously going to go on a tangent if I don't do anything either, so- "Banzai!" I leapt at him right as he was getting to the 'good part'. "Hey! I didn't finish my-" I really couldn't care less, so I just kept him on the defensive for a while to shut him up, before he finally jumped back to get some space.
"Okay, that does it- Grow, Hozukimaru!" And then his sword turned into compensation- I mean a pole. "Oooooh- a pole, I'm so scared!" I said sarcastically while waving my hands around half-assedly. "You should be!" He told me as he charged head on(Which was rather stupid, considering people who use poles like to stay as far away from their opponent as much as possible- they also have poles stuck up their asses as well. That little fact is proven by my research-). "Your funeral guy-" I let my sword block his Bo-staff.
"I ain't your guy, FRIEND!" And just as soon as I did, his damn pole split into thirds and grew blades that went to try and cut my head off had I not stepped back. "I honestly didn't expect a Shinigami like you to get that reference-" "That's South Park we're talking about, Kurosaki- even WE have television."
Yeah, somehow I doubt that-
"Whatever, just keep your pole about fifty feet away from my ass-" I shuddered at that.
Last time I let a girl celebrate women's day like that ever again.
"No promises." He grinned at me(I'd say no homo, but I can't say much about what he would do with his stick-) and swung the upper portion of his staff at me. Sighing and resigning myself to possibly having to pucker my ass- again- I went forward to meat his stick(Ha ha, dick jokes-) with my sword, shoving the thing away as I went in to slice him in half.
He didn't have much of a defense up close with his release, so he had to rely on his speed to dodge my attacks. Luckily for him, he was fast enough to where I only got a shallow cut across his waist.
"Ha! You thought I was defenseless like this?! Think again!" He dragged his end up into my arm, causing a fairly deep cut to slash into my right arm and to stick inside there. Though if he thought that would even slow me down, he obviously hadn't seen me get stabbed in my lungs 77 different times-
"Just shut up and lose." I was getting annoyed at this point, and just switched my sword to my left hand and slashed at his waist again as he moved to lean back. But as he did, the cut from earlier reopened and caused him to spit up blood. Soon enough, his lean turned into him falling onto the ground on his back.
"You-Your attack from before wasn't to split me in half, but to reopen the wound you gave me before." "Took you long enough to realize it- cheating nub." I kicked him in his side as he wheezed and his release sealed itself. "I have a lot of shit to do and things to think over, so I really should just leave you here to your own devices. Though I suppose I would be in even deeper shit if I just let you bleed out on the ground here."
Sighing(I really didn't want to touch him- he smelled like blue cheese for no reason.), I grabbed his sword and started applying the ointment(The hell- why did this thing smell like blue cheese too?!) to his wound.
"Wait, wh-why are you saving me?!" Didn't listen much, did he- "Because I don't feel like having a target on my head for killing a seated officer of the Gotei 13. Now shut up and lie here like a bitch." Standing up, I moved to leave. "It won't matter- now that you defeated me, you basically proved you are a worthy foe, and my Taicho will come after you no matter what the Sou-Taicho or the Central 46 say." Pausing, I looked back at him.
"Tell your Captain.." Here he leaned forward on the ground a bit wanting to hear this. "... That he can go suck my cock for all the shits I give about him and him wanting to fight me; he isn't worth the dog shit on my shoe for all the fucks I can't give."
He look on his face also made me wish I kept a camera on me at all times- oh wait.
SNAP!
Fuck yeah.
Whistling, I turned and continued on my way to…
Where the hell was I going before all this?
… Bah, might as well find the others.
Okay, so I knew where Orihime was(Probably-), so that left the cat(Yeah- I ain't going after a talking animal ever again; that one time I was on shrooms have taught me never to go after Yoshi-), the Shiba(Can go die in a ditch.), the Quincy(Can share the ditch with the Shiba-), and then Sado(Chad as Ichigo thought… It amazes me how he can't understand our language of Englishnese.). Guess it's Sado then-
Feeling for his Reishi(Which from the memories I got, felt strangely like a Hollow's-), I found it.
And of course it was right in front of a Captain class Shinigami.
Fuck my undead life-
Thinking quickly, I cast a quick Bakudo that was a favorite of the Squad I tried to impersonate(Thank god for my experience of Shinigami kicking my ass constantly-), I concealed my Reishi and bended the light to hide myself, then went in the direction of Sado's fight(That he was about to lose, if my senses were right-).
As fast as I could, I got to him just as he fell to the Captain with a pink kimono across his shoulders(What was with these flamboyant Shinigami?!). Cursing myself, I thought of the options I had.
Let him take Sado, and save myself, or go down there to fight him myself and inevitably lose because I didn't even have half the power I used to.
Damn it, this 'Ichigo' is fucking with all my logical thinking!
"Hey hey hey there friend!" Revealing myself, I jumped from my perch, apparently startling the old cross dresser(I at least think he's one- one does not carry around a ladies kimono without using it for some purpose.). "You seem to have made a misunderstanding with my friend here that resulted in a conflict between the two of you- I feel for you, and from the bottom of my pitch black heart, I apologize on his behalf. So if you wouldn't mind, I'll just get him and be out of your, if I may say so, magnificent hair now."
Back home, I was the King of ass kissing.
"Yes, the little- altercation, we had was quite unfortunate, but me and him decided that we would let bygones be bygones, and so we're going out for a drink once he wakes up- but we can't well do that if you and him leave now. So why don't you join us?" He smiled and tipped his hat up, waiting for my move.
Damn old cross dresser's and their immunity to ass kissing-
"Guess it's fight time then?" "I would rather avoid confrontation, like I said to your friend here, but it seems you all are much too adamant to let this slide." He slid into a battle stance with both his swords- two?
"You have two Zanpakuto? That is quite rare amongst Shinigami- does that mean they both have different release phrases?" He raised his eyebrow at my knowledge of that. "No, they are the both the same Zanpakuto, and yet are not- it is quite hard to explain actually." "Well, we kind of have time here, if you wanted to explain-" He seemed to ponder that before he nodded his assent.
"Sure, why not. My Zanpakuto are one in the same, though they are indeed separate entities with their own original personalities." Fascinating, fascinating- damn it, he stepped in front of Sado's body! "While the release phrase is the same for each of them and there Shikai's abilities intertwine, they are indeed separate entities- entities with long winded release phrases like 'Flower Wind Rage and Flower God Roar, Heavenly Wind Rage and Heavenly Demon Sneer, Katen Kyokotsu-" Fuck, he used the story to- not release his blade?
"That's weird- you said it's release phrase, and yet your sword did not release itself?" He looked at me funny. "Well yeah, I can control when or when not they release, and everyone knows that us Captains aren't allowed to release in Soul Society for fear of annihilating everything and- you did not know that before, did you?" He asked me blandly when he saw the growing grin on my face.
What's my release phrase again? "Gah- you never listen to me." It's not my fault you want a grand entrance for me releasing you, damn it! "And I told you before, you release me with the phrase once, and you won't have to say it again-" That doesn't make it any easier to remember, dumb ass! "Alright, alright- grumpy. It's…"
"No I did not- Splatter the blood of the tainted across your path so that you may never hesitate in your path; to succumb to the dark inside oneself so that I may one day walk the path of the untainted and innocent: SCREAM FOR THE PURE, MANGETSU!"
God damn it, now I was enlivedated AND compensating!