Well, I am honestly surprised I have this many readers, and yet, we all still can't seem to VOTE IN THE POLL! Seriously! I literally can not, make the next chapter for this story, without more people voting for the fight, in my Profile. I mean come on, I left it open for more than a month for gods sake! So seeing as how people STILL find it too difficult to somehow vote(Not like I am asking you all to vote for Trump or Hilary, here-), I will give you step by step instructions.
Step 1: Click on my name(Kitsune-Dama) to go to my profile.
Step 2: Click on the Poll section at the top of the profile.
Step 3: VOTE GOD DAMN IT!
Step 4: Profit.
Simple as that. Now go, fucking, do it.
Not sure what was more ironic; the fact that such a 'Girly'(Her word, not mine-) girl had monolithic swords for Zanpakuto's, or the fact that the bitch that had literally tried to rape little MooMoo had a release phrase such as 'Scream for the Pure!' and all that gay, fuzzy feeling stuff.
Made a guy rethink all his life choices.
Coughing and waving away the smoke that came with the oh so brilliant Shikai with my free hand, I studied the blade up close while I was still covered by what smoke was still left.
The sword was an even larger(If that was even possible-) knife now(Anybody got some cheese in need of cutting?), with the entirety of the blade being even larger than I was tall, with the grip at the base of the blade and a handle extending back from this about roughly the width and length of my forearm. There was a thin, hollowed-out portion running along the back edge of the blade from the base to the middle of the blade. There was also a dark grey cloth attached to the handle of the blade, that had wrapped itself across my right arm.
All in all, it looked eerily similar to the Shikai of Ichigo(Though considering I literally absorbed him into myself, apparently, that was to be expected.).
Wanna explain why I am holding a massive ass sword that makes me look like I am compensating harder than those guys that buy Monster Trucks?
…
Okay, I guess not-
"So, I'll just be taking my friend over here and be on my way." I told the Captain as I shouldered my blade. "Sorry." He sighed and hardened his stance. "I would, but if I did, I'd never hear the end of it from Nanao-Chan." Not giving up a fight where he could possibly die all because of a nagging woman?
Understandable.
"Your funeral, Trans-Taicho." I ran at him full speed(Which was surprisingly a lot more than before-), and before he could even think on what I had just called him, I was on his position. "Slice and Dice, don't fail me now!" I yelled as I quickly slashed at him from above, and he blocked with his left blade, but soon had to put up his right too as the power behind my strike almost caused his knees to buckle. Not done, I quickly flipped the sword and went for a piercing strike to his chest, but he dodged to the left, causing me only to graze his side.
Still not done, I grabbed the blade in a reverse grip(Which was very awkward as fuck with the size of this thing-) and went in for a slash to his chest, which he again blocked, but this time I full body tackled my sword, causing him to go skidding back and lose his balance for a second.
'Twas all I needed.
Speeding by him, I decked him with a clothesline and while he was even more disoriented, I moved to pick up Sado with the arm not carrying my sword already, and made to hightail it outta there.
"That little time you had should have been used to make sure I stayed down, partner." Much to my surprise, the Captain appeared in front of me with his hat shadowing his eyes, giving him a much more eerie appearance, as I had moved to jump, and slashed at my stomach, luckily(For me at least.) only leaving a shallow cut. Sighing, I jumped back to where the battle site had been taking place.
"And this is also for the nickname from earlier." He said from behind me as blood spurted from my right side, causing me to almost drop Sado.
Damn, I had hoped he would forget that part-
"Jeez, not one for jokes, Crossdress-San?" The butt of his blade hitting me in the face told me that was a 'no'.
Spitting out blood, I wiped my hand on the sleeve of my... fuck, I forgot what this was called already- anyway, after that, I stood up with Sado still on my arm. A full on fight here would be catastrophic(My blade was not meant for close quarter fighting, and with Sado here, I had a handicap- even if the Captain didn't seem like one to stab unconscious people- that was my shtick.), so I had to escape- though with a massive ass cleaver and a 200 pound giant Mexican(This sounds like the beginning of the funniest joke ever-), not to mention the fact I wasn't a pro at the Shinigami version of Sonido, that seemed like it wasn't happening any time soon.
So being a motherfucking sorcerer it was!
"Bakudo Number 30: Shotsu Sansen!" Taking careful aim, I aimed the first laser at lower than the other two, causing him to yelp and jump to avoid having to get a sex change, but in turn getting caught by the other two in the shoulders, and then sent flying into the wall.
"Whew- that was a rather close encounter with a fate worse than death!" He said to himself as he sweated a bit. Not taking particular care about whether he was gonna escape or not, I started my chant. "Sanctity, closure, repent! Take unto the East-" "Oooooh- the modified version of Hado 4, one of my personal favorite modified Hado; oh, don't stop, I would just love to see this!" Glancing up confirmed he was standing over my kneeling position, swords to my neck. For once heeding the words of a Shinigami, I continued with a growing grin on my face.
"-The mud doll, ever disintegrating. Unite! Oppose! Filling the Earth, know your own impotence!" "You're-You're really not that suicidal, right?" He asked with a paling face. My only answer was to grin psychotically and throw Sado far, far, far away from where I was. "Hado Number 90: Kurohitsugi!" Man, now I know why the Shinigami use Nijū Eishō-
The fucking looks on the opposing sides faces were priceless!
Faster than either of us could act, a massive black box surrounded us, encasing us and ensuring no escape. Not too soon after, bulges started to form on the walls of the box. Knowing what was to come, both of us used some respective techniques to avoid as much damage as possible- he used some kind of Bakudo, while I just used my giant butter knife with a hole in it as a shield by putting it in front of me.
This was gonna hurt-
Black spikes soon entered me into a new world of hell.
Soon enough after the creation of the two sided(If the way I was bleeding and the way the Captain was just on the ground, panting, and a bit ruffled was anything to go by though; it was a sword that I used against a brick wall that then bounced off and made the sword cut me in half-) sword, it dissipated.
It was hard to tell who was more harmed during that- me or him.
While I was kneeling, using my sword as a crutch as blood seeped from a hole wound above my pelvis(Ironically, right where my Hollow hole used to lay-) while another rested right on my left shoulder, the Captain was on the ground, panting from the amount of Reiatsu he had to expend to keep out the worst of the spikes- and even then he had a few scratches and cuts littering his body from where the spikes had poked through.
I put a lot of Reiatsu into that thing.
Luckily, I wasn't anywhere near as out of breath as he was(Or appeared to be- I wouldn't be surprised if he was faking a bit of it. He was a Captain after all- but no one wanted to continue fighting someone willing to kill themselves to damage their opponent… I get the weirdest sense that I'm going to be eating those words later in the Chapter-), so I took the time to stand up, locate where the hell exactly I had thrown Sado(He was on the roof of a nearby building, lying uncomfortably on his stomach on a bit of fence- goal!), collect him, then hightail it back to Orihime to see if she could fix up the both of us.
I wouldn't be hearing the end of this though; especially if she found out I was the one to do myself in.
Locking onto where she was at, I sped up to get to her as fast as possible.
"Why is Sado-Kun unconscious, and why you look like the Swiss general decided he was hungry and that you were the closest thing to a snack so he cut some holes into you and called it a day?" That- was a very specific analogy.
We were back in the sewer again(Really- once I leave, I'm gonna miss this place: Insert sarcasm here for the place that stinks worse than the Godzilla incarnate Lieutenant above ground.), hiding from the Shinigami again.
"Funny story that- you see, Sado over here decided it would be a good idea to face off against a Captain, but he was quickly overwhelmed, so I- being the kind, brave, pure soul that I am, decided I had to step in to save him. And so I did. But as I was about leave with him, he started to awake and struggle in my arms, and as I was trying to show him it was me, the damn Filthigami BLASTED me with a Kido, and as he was about to shoot Sado, I bravely bit the bullet and took the hit for him, though he did end up going unconscious again from the blunt trauma." I finished and crossed my arms confidently. She should buy that. And she did apparently if the way she subtly sent a small glare at him was any indication.
Though I feel as if I just fucked myself in the future for that story.
Weird.
Aw who cares- that's for future me to worry about!
"So look- I need you to heal me so I can go back above ground, find the elusive pit those two moronic imbeciles dropped down and died into, bring them back here, then go and regroup with the cat above ground, where I will lead it here so we can discuss our battle plan." Instead of the 'But what will me and Sado-Kun be doing while you're up there' I had expected, I instead heard "Alright."
"Look, I promise I'll be more careful up there this time- wait, you will?"
That was unexpected.
"Yeah- I realized while you were gone that I couldn't stop you from getting in anymore harm while we are here. So I am just going to heal you every time you keep coming back with even graver wounds- and if it gets to the point where you die from them, I'll just be sure to revive you to kill you myself before repeating the process again!" She chirped happily as I sweat dropped.
She had that glint in her eye again(And I had that bulge in my pants again, too!).
"Right- well, let's get on with this then, shall we?"
Hopping up after she had closed the holes on my body(Not those kind of holes, you naughty audience you-), I quickly moved towards the end of the sewer where the ladder to exit was at.
I had me a Quincy Shiba ditch to find!
Picking up on the Quincy's Reiatsu, I decided to go wherever the fuck he was first.
The fact his Reiatsu was rapidly declining was a good factor as to why I went to get him too.
Sighing at having to play 'Hero' once again in the same day(Seriously- I was a Hollow! I was supposed to be feeding on these fleshies by now!), I used my slowly improving(But still chalky as hell-) Shunpo to reach the apparent battle site of one of 'my' friends.
Again.
Finally getting there, I saw the Quincy on his stomach, ass in the air(Seems relatively normal of a position for him if you ask me-), with a clown person standing not too far ahead of him, yet another tiny asian woman(Who seemed to be masterbating- no, that can't be right… A second glance confirmed, she was indeed, masterbating… A third glance, yet again, confirmed it…. NOw I was just doing this for my pleasure-), and a massive-
Was- Was I looking at Super Baby?
Well I obviously stumbled upon the freak show here ladies and gentlemen- it even had the weird pinkish red mist those horror movies depict them having too! Actually, sniffing the air, I found out that wasn't a mist.
Oh boy.
Quickly as I could, I flared out my Reiatsu(I knew this was a good counter attack to any type of Reishi poisoning as I myself used these types of things to battle with back when I still had my Resurreccion-) while simultaneously Shunpoing next to the girl and(Interrupting a marvelous show.) grabbing her to shove my sword right near her neck.
Negotiation time.
"Okay Super Baby and your sidekick, Egyptian Sweet Tooth, the gig is up!" I told them as the clown stopped his advance towards the Quincy and looked back at me. "Give up the fine fellow presenting his rear end to you, and no one has to get a giant butter knife up the ass!" Glancing at Ishida, I saw he was not taking this poison nearly as well as I was(I wasn't immune myself- it's just my continual usage of deadly concoctions made me very resistant to all sorts of things. I'd be feeling the effect of something this potent though if I didn't get it out of my system within the next few hours though.) so I had to get him out- wait, what was he saying? He looked like he was mouthing 'Run!' But why would he-
"Shit!" Not even thinking about it, I turned as quickly as I could to dodge and protect the girl from the sword that had come hurtling towards me from Baby Metal over there. I failed though, and still got shot through the right bicep.
Not even thinking about what kind of poison would be on the blade of something that came out of Fetus Senior that was making this poison Reishi, I did what I would normally do in this situation.
I sliced my arm off.
Of course, I- being the ever monolithic retard I was, forgot that I couldn't regenerate limbs anymore and the fact the cloth that clung to my arm was still attached, so now I had a flailing limb weighing down my sword, too.
Rut Roh.
"Gah! What is wrong with you- you almost just killed this woman who was giving me a free sneak peek a minute ago!" I yelled at him as I grabbed the woman and set her down near me so that(Hopefully-) my Reiatsu would stop her from being affected as well. Though with that said, I still had to get the Quincy out of the blast zone as well- though for that to happen, I had to leave the chick to her own demise as well. Decisions, decisions.
Boobs or glasses, vajay-jay or penis, this ass or two-cape over there- honestly the choice was very hard at all.
Though my consciousness was saying both, so I guess it was 'Hero' time.
Shudder.
"I have nothing wrong with me- you, however, look like you are in need of some much needed painful experimentation." Huh- that's usually what I say to others, not the other way around.
Weird switch around here.
"Oh you wouldn't want to experiment on little old me- I'm just an extremely Reishi rich hoomahn turned Filthigami, with not only a Shikai, but Hollow capabilities as well- hell, I even have some Quincy… Whatever shit they have thrown into the mix! That got your panties wet yet?" If the way my lies had the guy drooling was anything to go by, that was a resounding yes. "Then think fast, Clown College Reject!" Quickly gathering Reiatsu, I fired a Byakurai at him, which he dodged by leaning back. He wasn't expecting me to suddenly appear above him though, and I slammed him into the ground with my fist, causing the entirety of the floor to shake and a massive hole to dig itself with his body.
Waving away the smoke as I jumped up from the crater, I looked down to see that he was still alive(Wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not- on one hand, I hated clowns, but on the other, I didn't need a full on hit squad on my ass for killing a Captain… But Clowns-), but clutching his chest from where I had hit him.
"You- You insignificant worm!" He yelled out as he held his sword in the hand not clutching his chest, blood dripping down his leg from what I thought was him holding his sword a little too tightly(It could have been from his Period though- all of this PMSing he's doing right now was making it hard to decipher.).
"I don't suppose you're going to call a truce, where we can set aside all our differences to Tea and Chill?" I quickly moved out of the way as yet another sword shot out at me like this thing had Kusanagi's up the ass to throw around, and on my way out, picked the Quincy up while I was at it.
No one ever politely declined my Tea and Chill time- let alone actually agreed to do it.
Uncultured swines, the lot of them!
"Let's go, tiny asian piece of ass!" And what a wonderful ass it was, I mused to myself as I grabbed her by the exact thing I was talking about and tried to get out of the blast radius of the poison-
It would be nice if I could fight without having to worry about the prick and the chick getting in my way of taking out the Joker(Especially considering I had my only available appendage occupied getting these two to safety-)… Wait, if he was the Joker, then wouldn't that make his cohort-
"God damn Harley Quinn!" I yelled as the bitch stuck her hand into me like I was butter and her hand was a hot knife about ready to stick itself up the butters ass.
I won't say where she stuck it.
I will say I wasn't going to be walking straight for a few days.
I threw her down when as I rolled on the ground, clenching something that should never have been touched. "My cherry- it's been popped!" I cried as tears streamed down my face. "Why- Why the hell would you do that, you crazy bitch? Who the hell DOES that?!" She was injured it seemed, as she only had enough strength to sit up against one of the walls that surrounded us as the thick 'Mist' continued to diffuse all around us(I wasn't really able to get anywhere fast before I got finger popped in mah ashole-). "Mayuri-Sama wants you dead- or at the least, maimed, so he can conduct his experiments on yo-" "Bitch, I already know that, I meant why go for my god, damn, ASS?!" She had the audacity to sit there and just blink.
"I read that in the male anatomy, one of the greatest weak spots was the area directly opposite of the groin on a regular bodied male… I also read a conflicting article, however, that said it was one of the most erogenous zones on the body, as well." She paused to think about it for a bit, before she opened her mouth-
"NO! IT DID NOT GET ME HORNY!" Better to just nip that in the bud before it starts, really.
Glancing over to where I had to forcibly drop Ishida after the unexpected 'Thousand Years of Death', he appeared paler than before(Saying something for someone who was already pale enough to call white his cousin-), was unconscious, and- was that foam throfing from his mouth?
Yeah, definitely not in the best shape right now.
"Fuck biscuits!" Quickly swiping my sword to the side, I stopped yet another Kusanagi rip off from stabbing the Quincy.
"Tch, even after you injured him, he was still able to block it- you should have wounded him further instead of just standing there and answering him, you pathetic excuse of a daughter!" I looked over to where the girl was about a couple dozen feet from me, only to see the Captain beating on her, and then promptly smashing her head into the wall, causing me to narrow my eyes. "Oi- fuck face! Knock it OFF!"
He just stopped what he was doing and turned to me. "Be quiet, you insuffereable curr, I know how much my creation can take, and this is far from that threshold. Besides, you should know when to just accept your fate- come on, I'm not evil. If you come along willingly, I'll be sure to give you food TWICE a week, instead of only once!" Huh. I didn't know I could glare at someone as intensely as I am right now.
"Like hell you'll only give me food twice a week!" For my stomach!
Grabbing my torn off arm, I starting using it to twirl the cloth around in a circle in the air, thus making my sword into a makeshift death helicopter that I threw at the Scientist, and ran after it.
He had to use his sword to knock my sword into the air, lest he get sliced in half, but I just pulled the cloth down as I reached him, causing him to have to block the airborne attack as I punched him back into his giant Baby God.
I don't know what the hell it was, at this point, but it was pissing me off with these god damn swords!
Quickly twirling my sword again, I sent Reiatsu into it, making it start to glow a bright purple(Not, exactly sure why it was purple-). "Now fuck off, you stupid, imbecilic reject of an egyptian god clown!" With that said, I let loose the energy that had built up inside my sword, sending a MASSIVE purple crescent moon shaped blast directly in the path of the moron and his creation(Or Bankai- hard to tell if someone's soul was that deprived enough to have that thing as a release.), blowing away all the poison and creating a massive dust cloud that was visible, I'm sure, to all of Soul Society once it hit them(Not like my attack wasn't visible to them all, either-).
Not sure what I had expected, but a puddle of clown soup was not it.
"I'll be sure to remember this, you insufferable little-" I shut him up by pulling out a massive swirly straw from nowhere and waving it a little.
Never thought I'd see a puddle make itself more non-existent faster… Not that I'd thought I would see that at all in the first place, either, but when dealing with Shinigami, remember kids- everything and anything is possible.
Which is also why you shouldn't take candy from them, either-
Coughing a bit, I suddenly remembered I had a dying Quincy and, more then likely, hot asian girl who needed to be… punished.
Shame I forgot the candle wax and ball gag, but I'm sure I could use my… sword as a decent substitute-
"You better be talking about your own shriveled up little prick, you son of a-" The link was suddenly cut of, but that was certainly NOT my sword spirit talking to me- did that mean I had schizophrenia? I hope not, because I heard that the bounties on their heads were double, and I didn't need bounty hunters on top of the Seireitei after my ass.
Making a note to look into that little fuck up later, I turned and quickly strutted towards where the Quincy lay, and was about to pick him up, when the girl spoke up. "Behind my Lieutenant's Badge, there is the antidote to the poison of Konjiki Ashisogi Jizō's poison." That made me pause and turn to her. "And you're telling me this, wwwwwhy? I doubt you had a change of heart all of a sudden- unless it was because of my heroing good looks? Hm." That made me take a pause as I scratched my chin in a thinking pose.
"No- but you did try to prevent Mayuri-Sama from further bodily inuring my body, so for that I must thank you." She did a curt bow from her seated position against the wall. "And also for the fact you did not kill him with your last attack." I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying.
The bastard was just too slippery for his own good.
"Yeah, let's go with that-" I said as I took the antidote, and tried to give it to her. "No, take it- as long as I have his blood inside me, I am immune to the effects of his poison." Okay, not going to talk about how creepy that sounded- "And your other injuries Clown boy gave you?" A quick once over told me he kind of fucked her up(Or maybe the Quincy gave her one before I arrived- more reason to find a pit to dump some people in it-). She shook her head at me. "I will be fine, but my other squad members felt Mayuri-Sama's Bankai, and will be coming to the scene soon, so you best get going."
Normally I would follow the advice that was so similar to the 'My husband is coming home soon' I am so used to hearing, but something told me she wouldn't exactly be getting the deluxe treatment at Casa de Fucked up Scientist, so as I grabbed and pocketed the antidote, I picked her up, Shunpoed to the Quincy, and quickly hightailed it for the underground, where all the haps were at.
God, now I feel old-
"You come back next time with your arms filled with more sluts, and you won't have a head to use to get them." Orihime told me bluntly as I dropped both of my occupants off on the ground and slouched to the floor near the wall while staring at the floor. "Jokes on you- everything you love comes from up there." I told her as I waved her to go heal the other 2 in the room when she wouldn't stop coming towards me.
"I wasn't talking about that head."
That made me slowly look up at the wall opposite of me with an unreadable expression and also let her heal me first.
"Gah, this arm feels so weird now-" I rolled my arm as I leapt out of the sewer(After making sure that Orihime wouldn't kill Nemu, which took the better part of an hour- and that was under the pretense that she was just some random Shinigami being abused that I had to use to make sure she didn't do any bodily harm to her for "Stealing Kurosaki-Kun"… Damn girl was as stubborn as me when it came down to it, it seemed. Made the erections I had constantly around her seem justifiable though.) and went off in search for(What I can only hope won't involve another Captain-) the Shiba.
Quickly feeling out for it, I found it accompanied by another, weaker, signature directly on top of him, meaning it was a fairly low Ranked Shinigami. Now, there are only so many scenarios that could be playing out, here:
The Shinigami found the R Tard and waited until he was out in the open to pounce on him and try to kill him-
2. The Shiba found the Shinigami, needed either a map around the Seireitei or something he could use to escape pursuers, and he then teamed up with the Shinigami to find Rukia and rescue her themselves-
Or 3. It was love at first sight, they couldn't help themselves, and the Shiba was a Bottom… Or a Top, it was hard to tell when I was a few miles away from them and wasn't able to physically see the exact position.
Of course, my money was on option 3.
Moving in Shunpo as slow as I could, I made my way towards their position(If it really was what I think it was, I did NOT want to see it happening.). I think the only reason I was able to duck under the sword that tried to decapitate me was because I was going so slow(Granted, they wouldn't have been able to catch me if I was going full throttle, but still.). Quickly grinding to a halt, I looked back to see a gigantic psycho and his little cohort on his shoulder.
"I am going to enjoy this." He somehow grinned even wider as the little girl chirped a "Give him hell, Ken-Chan!" and went off to what I can only assume was the land of rainbows and gumdrops. This shit always only ever happen to me. God, fucking, HELL!
The ass kicking I gave out and totally did not receive, was too graphic for audiences worldwide, so instead, I will be putting up song lyrics from 'Barbie Girl'.
"Hi Ken!" "... Mangetsu, my name is not-" "I would love to go for a ride, Ken!" "Who the hell is Ken, and where is that funky fresh up-beat coming from?" "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world~" "Um, Mangetsu, I would appreciate it if you would stop screaming in my head while I'm trying to avoid stabby mcrip stabby stab over here-" "Life in plastic, it's fantastic!" "Wait, what are you doing with that sword- no, NO! Not the pants!" "You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere~" "Gah! Those are my kidneys you are currently punching and pulverizing to dust, sir!" "Imagination, life is your creation!" "Oh dear lord, he's making a tetris brick out of my back!" "Come on Barbie, let's go party-" "The- Esin! You piece of shit, stop encouraging her!" "Another verse, same as the first!" "You little- MOTHER FUCKER! MY MONEY MAKERRRRRR!"
Needles to say, I was barely stumbling out of there with any clothes whatsoever, and my limbs very vaguely hanging off their joints, and tussled up hair with a little pink haired midget waving at me before she dragged the at least 6 times bigger than her Captain away saying "Thanks for giving Ken-Chan a good fight, Bi-Chan!".
He did things with his sword- terrible things.
I don't want to talk about it.
Not choosing to take it leisurely this time in fear of running into yet ANOTHER Captain with a sword fetish like the last one, I took it to the max(Or as max as it gets with my injuries… And a noticeable limp in my left leg-) to get to the Shiba hat(If he wasn't already-) I was gonna kill for making me encounter that… Whatever he was-
I ain't calling him a Shinigami, because even some of my fellow Hollows weren't anywhere near as fucking creepy when it came to swords!
But apparently still, I was going too slow, as before I knew it, I had to swerve to avoid a sword slice to my neck.
These god damn mother fuckers and the head- what is with them?!
It's like they are TRYING to prove the point Orihime was telling me!
"Okay, who has the death wish now?!" I snarled as I turned to find a- pineapple? Oh wait, no, that was the Lieutenant from before in the Hoomahn world- what was his name again? Regi? No, that was Pokemon. Rhett and Link? No, that was YouTube- screw it, I'm calling him fruity!
"Fruity, what the hell are you doing here- if you have forgotten, if it wasn't for you Captain back in the living world, you'd be dead by now." He grit his teeth(Probably because of the reminder of his ass kicking by my- Ichigo's? Whatever- hands. Totally not because of my name for him. Nope.). "My name, is RENJI ABARAI! Lieutenant of Squad Six! And that time was a fluke, Kurosaki! You see, we Shinigami-" "Blah blah blah, limiter shit, blah blah blah you have Shikai, blah blah- just shut the fuck up and come get your ass kicked so I can go on with my day!" If he seemed shocked it was overridden by the anger at me-
I had that effect on people.
Makes them forget every other emotion except rage- comes in handy when you need to get a bitch out of the house.
"Roar, ZABIMARU!" His sword lengthened(Seriously, compensation is such a common things amongst these Shinigami-) and became segmented(... I'm sure there is a dick joke here somewhere, I'm just not coming up with anything.). "Come, Kurosaki, and face the TRUE power of-" I didn't let him finish before I literally just zoomed into his guard and slashed him across the waist, spilling blood everywhere. He gurgled some blood before his sword sealed itself and he fell onto me.
Most. Anticlimactic fight. EVER.
"Well, any last parting words before I leave and go on with life?" I asked him as he struggled to stand, even with me as a crutch for him. "... S-Save- SAVE RUKIA!" And with that the retarded prince fell.
"Damn morons, impeding on my fucking path." I grumbled as I quickly made my way to where the Shiba and his butt buddy were situated.
Right smack dab in the middle of the enemy territory.
Fucking, great.
"Oh, there you are- huh. Not the position I thought I'd see you two in when I appeared." I mused to myself as I noticed the 2 hiding in an alley right outside where I thought Rukia was probably staying. I mean seriously- it was a massive tower right in the middle of the damn Seireitei. They'd have to think we'd be complete dunderheads if we didn't check this citadel.
… That, or it was under guard by the Elite of the Elite.
Once again, joy.
"Oi! What's that supposed to mean, you damn Shinigami?!" The Shiba got right in my face as the other member of the motley crew just sat back and sweated nervously. "It's exactly what I said it was- I was far away, and I felt you two, and I just assumed that you would be riding his dick." He gritted his teeth. "How did you know that it wasn't a GIRL that I had with me?!" That actually made me pause.
The thought never crossed my mind.
"Have you seen your face?"
Yeah, I suppose that was the reason.
"Anyway- I'm guessing you two were going to go in there and try to get Rukia out?" The Shiba calmed down a bit as they both nodded. "And you realize, that with a gigantic building like this, and the fact everyone and their mother knows that Rukia is being held here, that it wouldn't have at least 2 Lieutenants guarding it?" They appeared a lot less confident in their plan. "You dumb asses-" "Hey!" "Whatever, I'm here now, and I have enough juice to take down whatever they throw at us… Probably- so let's go." "U-U-Um, but, you appear to be i-injured?" I looked at the other Shinigami and raised my eyebrow. "You call this injured?" "... W-Well, you have cuts everywhere, your left arm seems like it could break by even a gust of wind, you're favoring your right side a bit, and you look like you were limping with your left le-" "Okay! Okay, I get it!"
Cheeky little mother fucker.
"Let's hurry this along so we can get on with the mission." I told him as I sat down next to the wall and let him start bandaging me up.
Now that I had some down time, though, I closed my eyes and started thinking a bit.
That voice from before… It wasn't Mangetsu, and it wasn't Esin, so who the hell was it? It was male from the vice, but that could have been some kind of ploy- it is my mind, after all, and they could do just about anything in it. But from the way they both were screwing around earlier, that meant that they either handled it, or… Didn't know about it. But then again, it was cut off, so they probably handled it for now. But now on to a more relevant topic for me- what is undoubtedly waiting for me up ahead when we go to save Rukia. Knowing the Shinigami's perverse sense of humor, they sent Byakuya to watch over her- and if the news of my beating several of their Captains got to them, then surely they have another one there, too. It won't be Soifon, she's busy, nor the Captains I had just tumbled with today, so that crosses off another 3. Word around the grapevine is that another was outright MURDERED, but that might be a ploy to get us to relax our guard a bit, but the one they said was killed won't be coming for us and they can't let us see the 'Dead', after all. Then another rumor that his Lieutenant went haywire, and another Captain had to detain him or her, so that marks off another 2. That leaves… 4, marking off the Sou-Taicho, and the medic, as it would be stupid to send out the Medic to the front lines. So, 4 of them are left… But somehow, I know it has to be-
"Gin Ichimaru." I muttered as I opened my eyes and stood up, the weak member of Squad 4's job done. "Alright, let's head out- and when I say run, you god, damn, RUN!" I hissed at them, exerting a lot of Reishi as I did so, making them sweat and nod.
Last thing I needed was to jump in the way of a spell or sword and take something else up the ass today.
I scratched my bandaged cheek from my perch as the guards for Rukia walked her out of the prison(Probably to transfer her into a different cell somewhere else to wait for the chopping day.) and made their way into the hall leading to the streets of Seireitei.
Bingo.
Moving quickly, I took out the guards and motioned for the big lumax to take Rukia. "Ichi… go?" She whispered as I knocked her out and handed her to Ganju. "Take her, and get the hell out of dodge to the sewer systems- the others are waiting there." "Hmph. No need to tell me twice-" He took Hanataro too by the scruff of his neck and started to head in the opposite direction we had come in. The idiot seemed to forget I had already told him once, so this WAS the second time.
The R Tard.
"And then there were 3." I spoke as I turned around to face the 2 Captains I knew would be guarding the prisoner. "So, who wants a little bit of lovin' from THE MooMoo-Senpai himself?" I grinned and swirled my sword by it's handle in my hand. "From who?" Byakuya raised an eyebrow as Gin's grin only grew.
Oh right- I was supposed to be Kurosaki Ichigo.
"It matters little of your games, Kurosaki Ichigo-" Yep, see? "You are, however, in possession of a traitor to the Seireitei, and that is in violation of the law." He drew his blade. "So for that, I shall be your executioner, and then find the traitor and deliver her to the cell myself."
"I'd like to see you try, Byakuya-Boy!" I grinned when his eyebrow twitched. Let's see if I could break pretty boy over here.
He appeared behind me, but I blocked his slash with my sword and pushed him back, and then quickly turned to try and backhand him, but he moved the slightest bit to get out of the reach of my attack, and tried to hack my hand off, but I bent my arm at the elbow, barely escaping not having a hand- again... In the same day.
Not a very good day, so far.
Soon enough, me and him were clashing swords. "Geez, I'm afraid to tell you I don't bat for the other team, Byakuya-Boy!" I grinned as I put more pressure onto my blade. "Making us touch swords- how naughty of you!" I took the moment his eye twitched to pull back on my blade, and while he was sent forward due to the force he was exerting before, I uppercutted him back towards where he was before as his eyes widened.
"Come on, boy, I expected more of a Head of House." I tsked as I shook my head. "Rookie mistakes- what would your teacher say about this if they knew? Probably would be ashamed more from the fact that you take one up the butt every night than that mistake, but hey- who am I to judge when it comes to wienies up the bumhole?" I ran towards him but had to duck under a-
"Okay, seriously- where do you guys get all these god damn KUSANAGI'S?!" I yelled as I was forced back by the rip off sword almost impaling me through the chest. Byakuya just glared at me as Gin smiled creepily at me- okay, that was normal, I suppose. "I suppose I underestimated your power- or maybe even my own abilities. Either way, this is wasting time I could be using to catch the perpetrator. Gin-Taicho, deal with him while I go find Rukia." "Aye aye, Captain!" Gin saluted and sent his sword at me once more as Byakuya turned to leave. "Don't."
Which he would have, if a lightning bolt hadn't hit where he was about to step.
He turned to where I was, fingers pointed outward, and the other hand holding Gin's sword in a death grip as blood slowly trickled down it's length as he tried in vain to pull it back to it's shorter length.
"Try me, you sons of butt licking dick munchers."
I think I broke him because I could have sworn I heard one of his teeth chip he was grinding them so hard.
"Shatter, Senbonzakura." So now it's time to get serious, I suppose.
Shooting more Byakurai at the man(Ironic that I am using his favorite technique against him-), I kept my grip on the sword hard enough so that instead of being pulled back, Gin shot at me, causing him to let out a "Weeeeeeeee!".
Can't blame the guy, I would have done the same.
But I do blame the guy for not trying anything to avoid or block the punch I gave to his face.
As I dodged some petals, I could have sworn he muttered something along the lines of "Mr. Fist, meet Mr. Face." as he laid there on the ground. Could have been my imagination though. Ducking and weaving through the Shikai, I made my way towards where Byakuya was, and as I got close enough, I tried to punch his face-
Keyword being tried.
He just vanished in some fucking petals which had me feeling out for any Reiatsu to see where he was. Ah ha! He was- right behind me.
Fuck!
Turning as quick as I could, I stuck out my fingers near his sword arm's shoulder, just as he pointed his at my chest.
Fuuuuuu-
Two lightning blasts went forward, each parallel from each other as we both widened our eyes and coughed up some blood(My cough totally had more blood though- wait, was I really making a contest out of who spat up more blood?... Hell yeah, and I totally won!). "Sh-Shit!" Crap, my vision was blurring and my bandages were either unravelling themselves or getting soaked in more of my blood. Thank god I was still able to see relatively even with it blurred(Thank you, all those bar nights-), and was able to dodge Gin's sword without any major cuts except the shallow gash on my left arm now.
I'd like to say I was able to buy the two morons some time to get out of here and to the sewer system, but knowing my luck, one of the remaining Captains or Lieutenants found them and stopped their progression, or- more likely- if I turned tail and ran now, they wouldn't have enough time to get out and to the sewer before either Gin or pole up his ass found them.
Well, looks like this turned into a suicide mi-
"Surprise butt sex!" I yelped out as someone shanked me from behind.
Sorry, not surprise butt sex- I am just so used to saying that it right on popped out on its own.
"Gah! What the hell was that!" I turned behind me to find a Black chick with purple hair looking at me like I had 2 heads… Or just screamed Surprise butt sex, either or. "The hell's your deal, you crazy skank?! You don't just run up to people and stab them in the back with your hand!" I yelled at her as I bent over and held my side.
That fucking hurt, damn it!
"You- aren't unconscious?" "No, you asinine basic bitch, I am not! God, that fucking hurt!" I screamed as I continued to hold my side. "People don't go unconscious when you literally stab them in the side!" She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Huh- guess that anaesthetic didn't work." Anae- Anaesthetic?! "You tried to drug me in the middle of a BATTLE?! The fuck is wrong with you?!" She rubbed her head sheepishly. "Well, you were kind of supposed to go to sleep, where I then epically save you from getting your ass kicked- or at least further getting your ass kicked- as I run off into the sunset to god knows where to help you recuperate." I stared at her.
"You realize how much that sounds like a fucked up tale of a princess and her prince, right? Like Shequashas was out at a bar drinking alone, then Tyrone came along, slipped something into her drink, then when she drank it and fell asleep he went and took her to his house for a night of fun kind of fucked up?" Even the Captains were staring at me now. "... Whatever, let's just get the fuck out of here-" The chick finally spoke up with a facepalm as she grabbed me and Shunpoed out of the area.
Looking back from where we currently were, I saw Gin talking to Byakuya(Probably something along the lines of 'You'll be spurtin' more blood if you go after them then a virgin bride'.) and saw him stiffly nod, as he walked in the direction of the 4th Squad.
Well, that is one problem down, I thought as I drifted off.
Remember kids, if a strange woman comes to try and abduct you by drugging, and then stuffing you in cave when you finally wake up, call an Adult.
Sadly for this protagonist, he has no such thing in the general vicinity.
Groaning as I sat up from the ground, I was given the sight of a pair of marvelous kittens smack dab staring at me in the face. Now, like any other sane man in the world, I just had to go ahead and motorboat the hell out of them.
"Not the exact response I had been looking for, but then again, I'm not a hormonal teenage male who just woke up." Looking up to see who owned the things I was devoting almost all my attention to, I saw the chick from before. "Oh- it's you." And then I promptly went back o motorboating.
Priorities, people- ya need 'em.
She apparently decided that was enough, and stood up. "Okay, we need to get serious here- no matter how much I liked the attention for my girls~" Here she crossed her arms lifted them up a bit.
It's amazing I had any blood left for it to go down south with all the shit tons of amounts I lost in it over the last day.
"We need to get you prepared to fight a Captain in less than 3 days." Well now that was a sobering experience. "Kay, first off- the fuck are you, and why do you have such amazing funbags?" Priorities, kids. Have them.
"Ouch, you were having such a fun time with me, and you don't even remember little old me? I'm hurt-" "I'm sorry, it must be the effects of the drugs you administered to me while I was fighting for my life against 2 Captains." Yeah, 2 can play this game. "Okay, fine, spoil the fun- it's me, Yoruichi." Stare. "Oh come on, it's not that hard to believe, right?" "It's not so much the fact it's hard to believe, more so the fact I'm trying to remember a Yoruichi." Here she face planted.
"Are- Are you for real?! I helped your ass get here, you know!" I just shrugged my shoulders helplessly. "HOW CAN YOU FORGET ABOUT A TALKING CAT?!" Oh- so she was Mr. Whiskers! "Oh, so you're Mr. Whiskers!" I looked her up and down. "You have a lot more junk in the trunk then I had initially expected." Her eye just twitched. "Just follow me, you Baka."
On our way through the halls, I had to ask a few questions. "Really? Those are your 3 numbers?" I whistled. Okay, on to the less serious questions. "You know what happened to the others?" "Yeah, they were all caught and are now in the Seireitei holding cells and Rukia has been contained again until the execution in 71 hours." I stopped as my mind shut down for a second. "You- You're kidding, right? Like, for real, none of my hard work has just been wasted, right, because of your stupid decision to roofie me, correct?" She shook her head and continued on.
"SON OF A BIT-"
I angrily stomped out towards the field where the bitch wanted me to go. "Well, we're here, and NOT trying to salvage all that work I did to prevent any of them from getting captured- what do you want me to do now, your highness?!" She didn't seem to appreciate my tone so she just roughly shoved some kind of doll into my hands. "Just shove your damn sword into the thing, smart ass."
"Why the hell do you want to murder an inanimate object?" I mean, I've hated things enough to the point where I have arguments with them(Don't think that argument is over yet, you damn couch-), but just stabbing them?
That's cold blooded.
"We don't have time for your stupidity- you need to use all the time you can to prepare for your fight with the Captains! Right now, you only have Shikai, as do the other Captains, but what you don't know, is that they have a release that transcends even the power of Shikai-" "Bankai, yeah, I know." "-That is called Ban-kai… How do you know that?" She narrowed her eyes at me. "You mean besides the fact that I've already fought a Captain in Bankai? I had a little chat with someone you are probably quite attached to- a, Soifon, if I'm not mistaken? Well, we had a little time to waste, so we talked about... things." "Things? Like wh-" "You don't need to know of what" I waved her off. "But having this Bankai thing could prove to be an invaluable variable in upcoming fights with not just the Captains, but anyone else that dares tread in my path, so I suppose I could give this a go." She blinked at my monologue. "That's a lot of big words you just used there, kid." "Yeah, I get that a lot." I grinned at her then went to shove my sword into the doll-
"STOP!" "Don't do it!" That made me pause for a bit. Why the hell not? "Um, uh, it's because, because-" "It's because you already have access to Bankai and shouldn't waste your time in summoning Mangetsu when you can spend it training in other things you don't even have access to." That had me curious- like what, and how did I already have Bankai? "For the first question, you should just ask the pussy over there, and as for how you already have it- well, you already had Shikai, and you didn't exactly gain your sword like a regular Shinigami does, so that most likely has to do with it." I don't know- "Hmph. You realize with this, you are one step closer to getting back your Hollow powers, and to shoving your foot up that prick Byakuya's ass, right?" Fuck it, you had me at Hollow!
Strapping my sword back onto my back, I went over to the confused black lady. "Oi! I was just told I already had Bankai, and I was also told to ask you to train me in something I don't already have." "Like what? I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to swords-" "Well then, maybe we do this without swords?" I grinned and threw my sword across the field until it hit the wall, embedding it in there.
"Oh? And what exactly did you have in mind?"
My grin grew psychotic. "A little bee told me you were a master at speed?"
I don't think I've popped a boner quite as big as this yet in this dimension at her devilish grin and cat like pose.
Though it still paled in comparison to the boner I got from that one Christmas party where there was Naked Karaoke and I was up next.
What happened next was a blur, but at the end I was covered in nothing but singles and thongs with a lampshade on my head and a woman with questionable citizenship between my legs.
Those were the days.
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