"Nothing Burns Twice" by Made By Grey

V. Patiently – Like a predator

Sazh dropped us off at the entrance to the Sunleth Waterscape, not too far from the Vile Peaks. I watched his airship take off into the late-afternoon skies above the hanging trees. I heard the far-off sounds of wildlife and monsters over the running streams nearby. Fang walked a little ways ahead, stretching her arms. She commented about how fresh and damp the forest smelled. Seeing her smile didn't warm me like it normally would have. I liked that she could finally get away from the laws and regulations that had bogged her down before. But, listening to her thoughts a few minutes ago—they'd made me uneasy. She'd made up her mind a long time ago that I wasn't the one for her. She wanted me to be. That didn't mean she expected me to be a certain way, or that she wanted me to change for her.

I was confused… She wanted me, maybe even loved me, but she didn't think I was right for her.

Add that on top of the reality that I had no idea what to do, and this was all a big mess. I should have thought things through before making a move on her yesterday. At the same time, I couldn't drop this. I needed to know if I could change her mind about me. If I could, I had to figure out how to do that. I didn't stop myself yesterday to waste time thinking about what to do or say. It came to me naturally…like it had been waiting for the right opportunity to show up. I watched Fang glance at me from over her shoulder as she walked. The shadows in Fang's eyes spelled out her curiosity about me. She walked faster, still looking back at me every now and then. I sped up to match her pace—enough to follow her through the winding, grassy roads, but not to catch up.

Following her held a special meaning to me. It calmed me and helped me feel. Possibilities stretched out beyond—of me staying after her, for as long as it took to change her mind about me, about us. My heart weighed down at the prospect of that struggle. Yet it soared all the same when I imagined her needing it, and me giving that to her as best as I could.

Eventually, Fang jumped up the branches of a tall tree, climbing up to the very top. I stopped at the base of the tree and stared up at her. She propped Kain's Lance over her shoulder, deep in thought as she looked down at me. I wanted to ask what was on her mind. It should have been obvious: she didn't know what to make of me, or what to believe.

Fang gripped her lance before she asked, "Do you want me?"

I let my tone come from my heart: "I want you." She tried to hide her shuddering breath. "Fang, I know how this looks. We've known each other for over five hundred years, and I'm only now doing these things. I'm mad at myself for not going after you sooner."

"Sooner?" she echoed. "When did you start likin' me? If it wasn't recent…"

I had to make this count. "From the time we first met in Palumpolum, I found you beautiful," I spoke. She bit her lip to keep from smiling. "Not just your face or your body. Your values stood out to me right away. You and I worked well as a team. I felt closer to you than I had with most people I'd known for years. Once we made it to Hope's apartment, I caught myself thinking about you more than everything else that went on. I should have said something then. I was too afraid…"

Fang thought over my words for a moment. "What were you afraid of?" she asked.

"That something would happen to you, or me, and my feelings wouldn't have anywhere to go. Or you might not have had time to be interested in anyone. I knew I was in over my head… I figured I had to bury it all. I fought harder to protect you in battle instead. It was all I could do at the time."

"So that's why you turned into my personal medic," she mused. "I wondered why healin' was your specialty. I didn't even need to call anything out. You healed me up without a word. Felt nicest whenever you did it instead of someone else. Gentler, almost." Fang's coldness came back quickly. "But that don't mean you're off the hook. It hurts to hear you say you buried this for centuries. I've lived with this every day! Sometimes it turned me into someone I didn't recognize. You didn't go through the same thing I did. Hell, you had it easy! Why should I believe your feelings will stick around this time?"

"You're right—you have every reason not to believe me," I said. There was a line I had to draw between sincerity and self-deprecation. She deserved my honesty. "But…ever since I had to leave you behind in Elysium, I haven't been able to focus on anyone other than you. If you won't accept my words, then I need to show you what's inside of me. I can't walk away from you."

Fang stood up on the branch. "You really wanna show me?" she asked, challenging. "There's a lot you don't know about me. I don't want you makin' promises to me that you can't keep. 'Cause once you get on this ride, there's no turnin' back." She jumped to a nearby tree. I followed after her, staying on the ground. She kept going at a slow pace, watching me watch her the whole time. "Or d'you wanna get to know me better before you decide?"

"I've seen glimpses of all the faces you have," I told her, pulling out a fragment of her thoughts. "They didn't scare me. I'll stay after you while I learn more about you. If you want the same, you don't have to say the words."

"What are you talkin' about, glimpses? Sure I've got a few faces here and there. What did you see?"

"It's not what I saw—it's what I heard," I explained. "In one of them, you talked about a girlfriend you had in the past. You didn't say her name. From the sounds of it, you were angry at her for breaking your heart. She wanted you to be like cardboard…sort of." Fang stopped, staring wide-eyed into the distance. I watched the apprehension build in her expression. She may not have liked this, but it wouldn't have done me any good to keep this from her. "While we were on our way here, I listened to another one. You sounded convinced that I'm not right for you. Even though you know I've stood by your side for centuries, as best as I could."

"Who gave you those things…?" she asked.

"The first one was in your subconscious. The second one was from your demon, Vespair."

Fang laughed, full of spite. "Well I'll be damned!" she shouted to the forest. "You know all this shit already and you haven't blinked. That's dedication, Light! I'm real proud of you."

I leaned against the nearest tree, wondering out loud: "Why am I sensing sarcasm in your voice?"

"'Cause you know me too well, that's why," said Fang. She jumped down to the ground. "I'm gonna teach you another lesson. I've got a few things to think over while you watch and learn. See that cove over there? I want you to go and get our camp started." She summoned Bane from his stone. Fang held him tight, looking me over. Then she canted her head up to the rain clouds forming in the sky. "This is a rare time when I don't want your eyes on me. Pay more attention to my baby and what he does. I'm teachin' him how to hunt. We'll come over to you once it starts to rain."

As she was about to leave, I held her hand. I brought her closer—close enough to kiss her neck, once. Fang sighed, pushing me away by my shoulder. Even as she did that, she kept her body near to mine. I saw some of her vulnerability there in her eyes: how she wanted, but wouldn't give me anything yet.

Fang stepped back. "Save that for later," she said softly. I let her fingertips slip away from my hold. "Watch Bane. Not me. I want a nice fire goin' once we get back."

"I'll have it ready for you," I answered.

"Good," she replied. "I should have a treat for us before dinner, too. It'll help us both unwind…"

The cove sat at the top of a hill with a good view of the mossy plains. It didn't take me long to set up camp just short of lighting the campfire. I set a cot down and lay there, watching Fang and Bane roam the plains downhill for hours. There were plenty of monsters there to hunt. At first, Bane spent a lot of time hiding behind Fang's legs. Some of the monsters were way too big for him. Fang pointed to a mountain lion and drew her lance. She had him mimic her: walking slowly, carefully; staying after the lion until it wandered farther away from its pack. Bane pounced on it with her and they brought it down.

The longer I watched him, the more I understood what Fang wanted to show me. Whenever Bane rushed at the monsters, Fang scolded him and made him start over. He learned to stop doing that soon enough. He then stalked his prey at a steady pace. Quiet enough to make the monster uneasy that something would happen soon. If Bane made a mistake and his target ran off, he chased it down until he could sink his teeth into it. As the hours passed, I imagined Fang running away from me, daring me to catch her if I could. If she wasn't running, then she would do like she did earlier: letting me stay close, but pulling away just enough to make me work for her.

If she wanted me to take this lesson literally, then she succeeded. Fang wasn't the type to back down and give in to anyone or anything. I decided that I had to be patient about this and watch her more. She'd give me more clues when she felt like it. I only needed to be receptive to them.

Once thunder sounded in the sky, I started the fire. Fang sat down with her back to me, holding Bane in her lap. She buried her face in her hands and sat there for a long while, waiting for the rain to fall. Once she sent Bane back to his summoning stone, I noticed the way her chest shuddered and heaved. I could tell she tried to control it… It wasn't working. The harder she tried not to let her emotions show, the harder they poured out. It was all she could do to mask them all beneath the rainfall. She must have felt overwhelmed and full of disbelief. I had no idea how strongly she felt for me. However powerful it was, I knew she didn't want to get her hopes up. It was one thing to like me and not expect anything to happen between us. But now there was the risk of things not working out, forcing our friendship to change yet again.

And then I heard Vespair's voice in my head: "She knows she's a fuck-up. All kinds of sick fascinations and pleasures she's got. Once you get a whiff of 'em, it'll be up to you to decide if she's worth it. They're gonna freak you out. There's no gettin' around it. You want my advice? Never let her see your fear. Whenever she shocks you, remember how much she means to you. Stay after her—always. If you don't, she'll do somethin' stupid, and then I'll have to get you back for it. Just go to her, all right?"

Quietly, patiently, I walked out of the cove, downhill to where she was. I kept my steps light. If she heard my boots through the wet grass, or my coattails blowing in the wind, it would've been game over. I got closer, and closer, oddly thankful that Fang was too distracted by her emotions to notice me. There was no way I could've gotten past her radar otherwise. She gripped her scalp and held her breath once I was a few paces away.

"Goddamnit, get out of my head!" she shouted. "I don't need you tellin' me none of this shit! Go torture someone else and leave me alone…"

"Fang," I said. She stayed stone still. "Come inside with me. The storm's getting worse."

"Yeah, all right," she replied, flat.

Fang busied herself with picking up the carcass she'd hunted earlier. She wouldn't let me see her face as she walked past me and up the hill. I stayed silent when we made it back to camp. Once she got started on cooking our dinner, she handed me a glowing white core.

"I sensed it here while we were on our way," said Fang. Her eyes were red. I did my best not to stare, looking at the core instead. "It's gotta be a catalyst for my crystal." She gave me a bunch of fragments of memories. "If you can see those, then they're what you need to put everything together. I keep findin' 'em everywhere… Guess that means we're on the right track." I bound the fragments to the core, creating a bright crystal. There was something unusual about it. Fang actually smiled. "This is what I was hopin' for earlier. Does it feel smooth to you? Like a piece of velvet?"

"It does," I said, handing her the crystal. Fang used a nearby rock to cut it into sections. "What are you doing…? Aren't you supposed to use the crystal now?"

"That's what I'm doin', Sunshine. Sit tight and watch me work my magic."

Fang ground one of the sections into crystal dust. Then she pulled out some kind of paper, and rolled the dust into it, like a cigarette. When she lit up the tip, it burned black, letting out sweet-smelling smoke.

"It's called black velvet," said Fang. "The crystal's soft like velvet and it burns black. Classic stuff when you wanna unwind after a hard day." She held it between her index and middle finger, smoking it with a soft smile. I watched her smoke, and cook, taken aback. That was one way to get the fragments back into her system…one I didn't expect at all. "So, Light, you never told me about any of the girls from your past. You ever have any crushes?"

I watched the smoke glitter in the light of the fire. "Not exactly," I told her. "I've met plenty of people who I thought were pretty. My focus was always someplace else. It kept anyone from approaching me."

Fang hummed in agreement. "Sounds about right," she added. "You had this wall up, y'know?"

"And now that it's not there anymore, you don't know what to do."

"I ain't used to it," she countered. "You bein' like this with me…I've wanted it for ages. I spent so long wishin' for it that it burned me black. You could say I've turned into a big old cynic. Didn't think I'd ever hear you call me beautiful, that's for sure…"

Fang kept her black velvet between her lips, moving closer to me. She eased me down on my back along the cot next to the fire, straddling my waist. For a long moment, she sat there on top of me, smoking while she looked me over.

"You're more than beautiful to me, Fang," I said to her. She tried not to smile, but it didn't work. "Part of me likes that you're cynical. It keeps you grounded. I wonder…are you worried about it getting worse?"

"Nothin' burns twice, Lightning."

I pulsed harder between my legs while I watched her watch me. The drape of her sari over her thighs tempted me to touch. She wouldn't let me. She used one hand to keep my wrists together over my stomach.

"I'm makin' a rule," she announced. "We've got these feelings between us… I don't want shit to be awkward. It annoys me when people go on about romance and hopes like it's goin' outta style. If the moment's right, I want you to make me go weak in the knees, and all that cliché stuff like you did just now. Until then, I need some time to get used to this. We're gonna stay as friends for a bit longer. That all right with you?"

I nodded. "If that's what you need, then I don't mind." Truth be told, I needed the same thing, if not in the same way. "I'd rather go at your pace. I want us to get to know each other more."

Fang smiled. "Here," she said, offering me a smoke. "Try it. The second-hand smoke will find me. We can share. I'd say this is one way to get to know me better."

"Is it a drug?" I asked.

"Sure is," she drawled with a lazy smirk. "It'll get you lifted. You ain't in the military no more. It's not like you've got drug tests you gotta pass. From now on, you're stickin' with me. You're my left hand, Light. Vanille's my right hand. I warned you about gettin' on this ride with me. You want off?"

I'd taken pride in staying sober my whole life. I didn't even drink alcohol to the point of getting drunk. I'd had to set a good example for my sister and stay up to the Guardian Corps' standards. That was all from a different time, a different place. Now it seemed so insignificant. I breathed in the wisps of smoke next to my face. It smelled so sweet, like pixie dust… If this was what Fang wanted, then I wanted the same.

"Let me try it," I told her.

Fang's eyes darkened. "Take it a little at a time," she said, settling it between my lips. I inhaled, slowly, watching the amazement grow in her face. "Hold it in for a few seconds. It's gotta settle." I held my breath. Weightlessness rose from my chest up to my head. Colors started swirling around me. This all felt so familiar… Fang's voice sounded faraway at first before it swung back at full volume. "Well, look at you! It didn't hit you too hard. You're sure you ain't never tried it before?"

"This feels like…the way I felt…whenever I used the powers Bhunivelze gave me. My Eradia would fill me like this. Heightened awareness and perception…"

Fang let me have another hit. "Mmm, so bein' God's divine is just like gettin' high," she guessed. "You get people who say they feel god-like whenever they've got somethin' in their system. I'd always stop before it got to me too much. Didn't want Vanille on my case about it."

"Why didn't I notice this before?" I asked. "You smoked this when we were l'Cie?"

"After everyone went to bed, yeah," she answered. "It ain't an addiction. It's just somethin' to do. I bet PSICOM would lock me up and throw away the key if they found it. It's pretty hard shit if you overdose."

"About PSICOM…how do you feel about everything? They're turning you into the state's experiment."

Fang scowled. "It's like I told Sazh—I think it's bullshit," she said. "I don't mind goin' around with you to find these things. What I do mind is some big wigs sayin' I've gotta do it, or else they'll crush whatever rights I have in this world. I know Bodhum's your hometown and all. It could rot for all I care. If the Gestalt or whatever finds themselves in a pinch one of these days, I ain't breakin' my neck to help."

"You don't care what happens to the government? The people would devolve into anarchy without it."

"No," she soured. "I don't give a damn. If I had any excuse to do it, I'd get rid of 'em myself. Anarchy sounds loads better than this hand-holdin' shit they're doin' with everyone. Treatin' me like I'm some terrible monster, all from somethin' that was outta my control… They can go fuck themselves."

That reminded me… "Lumina," I called. She appeared right away. "I need you to do something."

Lumina folded her arms. "Now you're summoning me to run errands?!" she asked. "This had better be good…"

Fang rolled her eyes. "Hello to you, too, brat."

"Hi, Fang!" said Lumina, bouncing a bit as she waved to her. Fang groaned. "Wait a minute…are you two in here doing drugs? Fang! How could you?! You're a terrible influence on her!"

"Whatever," I muttered. "Look, I need you to infiltrate PSICOM's headquarters. Find out whoever made the initial report about Fang's chaos. I hadn't told anyone about it other than our friends. That means someone found out and reported her out of spite."

Fang held her hand out. "Hold on," she said. "You think this is all some big conspiracy against me? Who the hell has that kinda time on their hands? I can't think of anyone who'd want to in the first place! How could I piss someone off in Chrysalis when I spent weeks stuck in Elysium, anyway?"

"I don't know," I replied. "That's what I want to find out. Lumina, can you look into it for us?"

Lumina kicked at a nearby pebble. "Okay," she sulked. "But only because Fang means so much to you, and I'd have to deal with your depression if something happened to her. You were bad enough when you thought Serah wouldn't be the same if she came back."

"How kind of you," remarked Fang. "Helpin' out poor old me just to keep your charge happy."

"Yeah, you're welcome!" said Lumina, disappearing into the chaos again.

Fang reached over to check on our dinner. "She's a fire-starter—that's for sure," she said. "Did you used to be like her when you were younger? I can't picture it…"

"When my parents were still alive, I was…a little out of hand. Serah used to get picked on in school. I bullied those kids right back and got into fights all the time. I didn't set a very good example for her back then. I changed completely when I joined the military."

Fang smiled in approval. "Sounds like what I did for Vanille," she recalled. I thought she might have said that was all the more reason we made a good fit. She didn't. I held back my emotions, watching her smoke again. I couldn't be too eager. I couldn't expect anything. "I don't wanna go back to Bodhum yet. I wanna stay out here with you and explore a bit. Ain't that theme park just through here? Nautilus?"

"It is… It'll take a few days to get there on foot."

"Works for me," she replied. "You up for the trip? Should be fun!" Fang studied me. She could tell that there was something I wanted to say. "What is it, Light? You can tell me."

"Will you go with me as my date?" I asked. "I've been there a few times before. There are a lot of places to go, sights to see… We can still be friends if that's what you need. When we get there, I want to show you a nice time. I can't really do that if I'm restricted."

Fang gave me her black velvet. "A date, huh?" she said, thinking it over. "Didn't think you'd ask…"

"I'm asking now. Will you let me take you out?"

From the way she grinned, I knew she enjoyed this. "If you're good, I'll be your date," she promised. "Ask me again when we're nearly there."

.

We spent a little over a week taking our time through the Sunleth Waterscape, talking about everything and nothing at all. I thought it might have been more difficult to manage myself, my desires. I found that I was caught up with something else instead. Fang kept our conversations light for the most part. Again, she did that thing where she changed the subject whenever the topic got too personal for her. I tried not to let it bother me. Except, now when she did it, I felt a mounting sense of dread. As if all of these unspoken things would come up and bite me when I least expected it. I could tell that she kept up a front, acting cool as long as we talked and smoked together.

I didn't like it at all. If I spoke up about it, I risked pissing her off. As the days passed, I realized I'd turned into her puppy. Being her left hand was special to me… I knew I was in over my head again. Fang used her influence over me to control my voice, keeping me quiet about certain things. At this point, I wasn't sure if she did it for the same reasons anymore. If she only did it to keep herself safe, or if she enjoyed controlling me like this.

By the time we got to the end of the forest that night, I didn't know what to do. I could have spoken up about how I felt. I should have. Instead, I said nothing, hoping that it would pass eventually. She'd asked me for time to think things through. It wasn't my place to cut that time short. For all I knew, I only felt this way because I had to control myself for the time being…even though it wasn't that hard in the first place.

I just didn't want to think anymore…

"This is it, ain't it?" asked Fang, pointing to the wire fence in our way. "Those ferries look like they'll take us to the entrance. All we gotta do is hop the fence, right?"

I let her go first. She looked at me strangely before she went, like she knew there was something on my mind. Of course she knew. She'd known for days now and hadn't said anything. I didn't expect that to change any time soon. Once I landed on the other side, Fang kept giving me that look. We headed over to the docks, waiting for the next ferry together. I stared ahead at Nautilus beyond. From my vantage point, I saw dozens of rides and buildings, all of them as tall as skyscrapers. From the way the lights lit up the city, it reminded me of an Orange Julius. I had a taste for something sweet after smoking that black velvet with Fang for days…

"Did you change your mind?" she asked, sounding disappointed. "About our date, that is."

I thought I heard someone approaching us. We could have gotten in trouble for jumping the fence. I didn't want to seem suspicious if I looked around, so I waited to make sure. Nothing sounded out of the ordinary, except Fang noticed it, too.

"You heard that, didn't you?" I said.

Fang stopped herself from pulling out her lance. "Yeah…someone's onto us," she muttered. "Stay on your guard. Didn't you say the Guardian Corps runs this place? If they take the rest of our black velvet, we're both fucked."

"How much do you have left…?"

"Enough for a few more days, at least," she replied. "I wanted us to have plenty while we were here. Now I'm thinkin' we should have gone through more of it on the way."

Snow, Vanille, Serah and Lumina showed up out of nowhere, yelling, "SURPRISE!" in unison.

Fang and I both scowled at all of them. Snow stood there with a fading grin on his face, thinking we would have been glad to see them. Vanille and Serah looked worried.

Lumina skipped over to us. "I thought you could use some company!" she said.

I wanted to strangle her. "Lumina, I told you to find reports, not people!" I shouted.

Snow frowned. "Hey, since when were we just people, huh?" he complained.

"Quiet," snapped Fang. "Didn't you get the memo? Light and I are out on a date! That means the two of us, alone, without company!" Vanille hid her smile behind her hands. Snow gaped at us. Serah looked at me as if everything suddenly made sense. Lumina laughed. "Damn you. Is this 'cause I'm a bad influence on her? You brought our friends here to punish me?"

Vanille sniffed the air. "That smell… Oh, Fang, you didn't! You're smoking that black velvet again, aren't you?!"

Serah balked. "Smoking? Claire, are you doing drugs…?"

"It was Fang's idea," I answered.

"Oh, sure, blame it on me!" said Fang, folding her arms. "As if you didn't like the stuff and asked for more of it on your own!"

"Fang, what did you give my sister?" asked Serah, affronted. Instead of answering, Fang burst out laughing. "Lumina wasn't lying! You are a bad influence on her! I can't believe you!"

I held Fang's hand and made her board the ferry with me. "We're leaving," I announced. "Follow if you want. I don't care. Stay over there somewhere. I want her to myself." Fang grinned, looking like she really wanted to say something. I pulled her over to the other side of the ferry, away from everyone else. They stared at us, talking among themselves. "What? Why are you giving me that look?"

"You didn't just say that in front of your sister. She thinks I'm bad for you, and you go and call dibs on me! This is priceless."

"That was only a diversion," I reminded her. "I do want this to be a date. I've…had some things on my mind on the way here. You know I have."

"Yeah, I could tell," she said, sitting down near the edge. I sat with her. "You're uneasy. I warned you about this ride, didn't I? The way our friends reacted was funny, but if you ever get like that on me, it won't be a good thing. I wanna know what demons you've got under your skin. Besides Lumina, anyway."

"Demons…? What, do you mean regrets?"

"Nah, I mean things you want. Things that'd go all wrong if you tried to go after 'em. Things you shouldn't want, 'cause of morals and all… How you go about it is what counts."

"With you?" I asked. Fang smirked, nodding. "I don't know… Some days I wonder what it would be like to stop being so serious. How everyone reacted to us didn't bother me. I thought it might have. It makes me trust you that much more."

"Does that mean you want our first date to be unforgettable? You trust me to make it happen?"

"As long as we don't get in trouble for anything…"

The devil himself showed in Fang's wicked grin. Ideas swarmed through her head by the second. I held her hand tighter for my own sake. Yet again, I found myself in a situation where I should have thought things through. It was too late to tell Fang that this might not have been a good idea, especially with the others following after us. Then again, this was our first date. I'd only kill the mood if I insisted on following the rules like I usually did.