VII. Strife

In the heat of sleep, I had another dream about the past. This time, I saw and felt everything as if I was in Fang's body instead of mine. Everything seemed so different from her point of view…

We had arrived to Oerba not too long ago. Fang was quieter than usual. She didn't enjoy seeing what had become of her village after five hundred years. Ashensand of crystal had coated most of the asphalt roads, giving the illusion of pure white snow everywhere. The dilapidated buildings and Cie'th everywhere made the village look haunted, broken. Not even the gleaming sunset lightened the meaning behind our atmosphere: that Fang and Vanille didn't have their home anymore. Once this was all over, they couldn't come back here and have the same experiences. I felt those hopes dying down in Fang's thoughts: the village darkened and dragged down in her mind. Images of the past faded out, replaced by the negative ones she thought of. I felt the weight of the world that pulled at her heart, how it slowed her footsteps… She trailed behind us. Vanille eventually got her to talk, trying to cheer her up. Through Fang's eyes, I saw myself turning to look at them every now and then.

Each time I did, Fang's heart swelled. Her gaze stayed fixed on the road, though her focus was solely on me out of the corners of her eyes. Heat slipped down her chest, warming, burning and blazing. Harder her heart beat each time I looked at her, thrumming quick. It settled when I turned back around. Seconds later, she fantasized about running up to me and making me kiss her in front of everyone. Again her heartbeats picked up, faster than before. The pumping overtook her chest. She started to sweat. Soon after, she dismissed the thoughts and let out a shallow breath.

Vanille frowned sadly. "You didn't tell her?" she asked.

Fang sighed. "There's no point," she answered. "If Light wanted me, she would've said somethin' by now. She's moody enough as it is. I can't read her worth a damn. No use makin' a fool outta myself."

Her thoughts jumbled all at once. They sounded chopped and screwed like a broken recording. Forces in Fang's head fought for dominance—to go say something, to stay quiet. To shout to the winds how much she loved me…to say nothing. To fly away on Bahamut's back and forget all about me…to take me with her. She lamented how much she needed me. She hated it. Over and over again she berated herself, inwardly, as if the thoughts had festered and damaged her beyond repair. Keeping it to herself was her only source of pride.

"I don't understand why that troubles you so much," said Vanille. "You risk staying unhappy if you say nothing. You'll never know how she feels unless you say something. I don't think she's the type that would say something first… She's so…"

"Focused? Yeah, I know that," replied Fang. "I'll stay unhappy if it means she and I get to stay as friends. I'm not riskin' our friendship for this."

Vanille hummed in worry. "I don't want you getting lost in your thoughts again…"

Fang stared at my back, my hips. "If it happens, it happens," she said. "It's all I've got, Vanille… She don't want me. The more I try to get rid of this, the more it haunts me. Might as well find some life in my head. What else am I gonna do?"

"I know… I wish there was something I could do to help. I miss seeing you smile."

We made it halfway through the village in relative silence. After we killed the monsters near the housing areas, Fang noticed how tired everyone except Vanille was. She watched Snow lean against one of the buildings, coughing. Hope sat down on the ground and held his head. Sazh wandered inside one of the small houses, weary. I tried to hide how exhausted I was, to no avail. Fang's heart sunk when she noticed I was sick, too. She fought back the urge to fuss over me, thinking I wouldn't appreciate it.

Vanille hurried over to the rest of us. "Oh no!" she said. "Have you all caught a bug? You don't look so well…"

Snow sniffled. "Think we've been fighting this off ever since we got to Gran Pulse," he replied, sounding stuffed up. "The weather change and all… It's nothing like Cocoon here. Back home, the fal'Cie controlled the weather—" He sneezed. "Yeah…think we've got a cold."

Hope groaned. "Feels like my head's about to burst," he mumbled. "I don't think I can go on like this…"

"That's no good," lamented Vanille. "Fang, do we have any more ingredients for the chaos serum?"

"Yeah, I've got some right here," answered Fang. "Let's get a fire started so we can brew it." She kept her eyes to me. Vanille skipped ahead to find some firewood. "Just so you know, this stuff's pretty strong. It'll knock you out for a good while. You'll feel better by the time you wake up."

I went upstairs to the house above where Sazh was. I remembered I hadn't been in the mood for conversation at the time. Snow and Hope went into the same house where Sazh was. Fang looked through the door, watching them pull off the centuries-old sheets from the bunks, replacing them with their cots. She glanced upstairs to where I was, assuming correctly that I did the same thing. While Vanille brewed our medicine and cooked dinner, Fang sat next to the fire. She smoked her black velvet, fending off her thoughts about me—barely. Some of them managed to slip through to my perception…

Fang thought over and over again about how the serum would knock me out. I would have been dead to the world. Possibilities filtered through, but they were distorted—I couldn't make them out. They were enough to get her worked up. She smoked to calm herself down. Listening to the crackle of the fire, and feeling the calming winds of the night also helped. Yet there was still that mounting need brimming beneath her calm surface.

"Lightning's upstairs," commented Vanille, "Isn't she? That was where we used to live…"

Fang breathed out smoke through her nose. "Don't remind me," she answered flatly. "She's in my bed. I know she is. She's gotta be. I don't wanna think about it. I do, but I shouldn't—I can't. It's too much."

Vanille smiled. "There's no need to be so jumpy," she teased. She handed Fang her dinner. "I'm going to give everyone else their meals. They'll have to eat before they drink the serum. Would you like to take Lightning's medicine to her after she's eaten?"

"Why not."

"Okay then," said Vanille. "I'll be back soon!"

Fang smiled at how eager Vanille was to take care of us. She ate as she watched the sky darken. When Vanille came back, they talked about the stars in the sky. Cocoon loomed overhead. They ignored it for the most part. Both of them knew that there was an elephant in the room, so to speak. They kept glancing up to their old home. Neither of them said anything else about it—not directly.

"Where are you gonna sleep?" asked Fang. "There's only the one bunk bed in our room."

"Lightning's sleeping on the lower bunk," replied Vanille. "I'll go with the boys. I've already moved Bhakti in there with them. You can have the top bunk. Or the lower one with her. I don't mind."

Again, there was a strange, agreed-upon silence between them. Not even Fang's thoughts betrayed what it was about. A few minutes later, Vanille poured the chaos serum into four flasks. She handed Fang one to give to me. Without a word, they went to the houses—Vanille entered the downstairs one where the guys were, and Fang went upstairs to where I was. She held the warm flask gently in her hands. When she opened the door, she saw me on the other side of the room. Being in her home again didn't bring her any joy. Seeing me there warmed her instead. I sniffled every now and then as I looked at the photograph on the desk—it was of Fang and Vanille, from before they became l'Cie. Vanille smiled at the camera, whereas Fang had her head facing away, focused on something in the distance.

Fang closed the door behind her. "You're my patient tonight," she said. I took that as my cue to get back into bed. "This'll fix you right up. It's gonna make you sweat a lot…you might wanna take off your vest."

I sat on the bed, facing her. "Why is it called a chaos serum?" I asked, unhooking my vest buckles.

"It's got chaos in it," she replied. Fang watched my hands. More of my skin showed to the moonlight. "Healin' properties and whatnot…" Once I only had my bra and uniform skirt on, her heart picked up again. "It's good for the spirit."

"In moderation…"

"Your system will balance itself out in your sleep. Don't be surprised if you have some odd dreams."

"That's fine," I said. "I don't have it as bad as the others. As long as I can fight this off early, I don't care what else I have to deal with. This is slowing us down."

Fang stepped closer to me. She set my vest along the top bunk. "You'll be fine, Light," she spoke, holding the flask between us. She was so close—her legs were against mine, and her torso was near to my face. "Drink up."

She tipped the flask into my mouth. I drank the medicine, watching her watch me. Fang wrapped her arm around my shoulders, gently pressing her hand against my bare skin. Innuendo between us: how close her breasts were to my face, with my head tilted up, I could have suckled them instead. Fang thought of it. The imagery sounded loud in her head. From how intense my stare was, she couldn't get rid of the mental suggestion. I'd been trying to figure out what that sweet smell on her was, since I didn't know about her smoking at the time. She had no idea what I was so fixated on.

"Lie down," she said, after I finished drinking all of the serum. I did as I was told. "And scoot over. I'm with you tonight. Vanille ditched me for the guys."

I turned away from her. "No," I answered. "You can get on the other side. I want to be closer to the door. In case anything happens, I'll protect you."

Fang laughed a little. "Now you know just as well as I do that I don't need protectin'," she replied in good-humor. "You say stuff like that, and you go outta your way to heal me in a fight? I'm sensin' a pattern here." I couldn't say anything to that. Not back then… I watched her take off her sari and set it next to my vest. She crawled to the other side of the bed, smiling. "You feelin' tired yet?"

"Maybe…" I mumbled. "Fang…are you sad because of what's happened to your village? Or is there something else bothering you…?"

Nerves jumbled in her stomach. "Don't worry about me," she evaded. "You've gotta get better."

I held her from behind and whispered, "I care about you. I wish you'd tell me…everything…"

Fang said nothing. Her emotions fired up again. She let out shallow breaths, listening to me fall asleep. Long minutes passed. My breathing deepened. Soon after, I was dead to the world and she was wide awake. She breathed in the smell of me along my cot: built-up sweat that I'd mostly cleaned out; traces of the spring water I'd used to wash; the scent of my hair. Her nails, she grazed along my arms, temptation mounting. Invisible thoughts played in her mind. They hid themselves from me.

I'd had a dream about her, about us. Everything that played out—it was the exact same as my dream…

Fang turned around in my hold. "You asleep, Light?" she asked quietly. When I didn't stir, she held my face in her hands. "I can only tell you this when you're sleepin'. You've got no idea how gorgeous you are to me… I kinda wish you knew how twisted I am. Maybe then you wouldn't be my best friend. Maybe…I'd have an excuse to avoid you. Get my mind off of you. 'Cause as long as you keep givin' me tastes of how loving you are beneath that scowl…I can't escape you."

She watched me for a while longer. My lips, she stared at the longest, thinking… Fang held her breath. She shut her eyes and buried her face in the crook of my neck. The want was there. She fought against it. Her conscience clashed with her wants, her needs. Clawing, burning, striking, killing—one had to win over the other. Just a taste: she inched her lips closer to my neck, hovering over the warmth of my skin. She leaned back against the bed, easing me over her body at an angle. In that same movement, she tasted the curve of my neck with her forced silence.

Blissful, drowning weight of my body over her, she sunk into, tasting as much as she could—softly, to not wake me. She shifted her mouth down to my shoulder, over my bra strap, steadily shifting me on top of her. Fang kneaded up and down along my spine. She sighed and spread her legs, holding me there between her. Through my sleep, I acted on my dream—I wrapped my arms beneath hers, enough to grip around to her shoulders. She sounded out her surprise in my ear. I groaned from her reaction, needing more. Swelling pressure between us from her breasts beneath mine made it worse.

Fang gently scratched her nails up to my shoulder blades. "I wish you wanted me," she whispered, heated. "Act like you do, Light. Pretend you need me." I wanted to obey her. I moved down, down between her. Her shorts were in the way. I pressed the bridge of my nose against her. She quavered; I clamped my arms around her legs. "I wanna believe, somewhere, you want this…" I shifted enough for her to take her shorts off. From this angle, I had my face over her navel. Absolute freedom, I smelled—I craved it. She held my head in one place. I felt her dripping down my chest, building with my sweat.

Once she let go of me, I didn't hold back.

.

I bolted up in bed, heaving for breath. My white T-shirt had yellowed in my sleep from how much I sweated. Foreign forces filled my chest—it felt like my heartstrings played orchestras of feeling and pure passion. Panic met with those songs. I'd never felt this way before. Not this loudly. I'd never felt my perceptions crashing down on me like this. Everything I'd understood about that night suddenly turned over on its head. I didn't know what to think. It all grew louder when I turned to look at Fang sleeping next to me. She was topless, lying over her stomach, with the sheets down the curve of her lower back. Sheen of sweat over her back gleamed in the dimness of the dark-early morning.

It was only five in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep. I had to get up, I had to do something, I had to go somewhere, I had to figure this out—I got out of bed and went to the bathroom as fast as I could, without waking her. Quietly I shut the door and locked it. I didn't want the lights on. Or I did, but I'd forgotten how to find the switch in the dark.

I turned on the cold shower water. I sat on the slip-free shower floor in my night clothes, barely aware of the freezing water pouring over me. I stared at the dark of the wall in front of me for what felt like hours. I tried to think things through, but no thoughts came—except for what I'd done to Fang in my dream, and how it hadn't been a dream, at all, or if it had all been some messed up trick by someone—Lumina, Vespair, or smoking too much black velvet and being in-tune with Fang's fantasies. If she'd made me do those things in my sleep, then we'd had sex before. Last night hadn't been our first kiss. I'd been with her before—hell, for all these years, every time I dreamed of her, she must have found me, somehow, and controlled me, manipulated me, taken advantage of me…without me knowing. If all of this had really happened, it explained how natural it felt for me to take control of her in my waking hours. It explained how easy it was for me to get in that headspace to please her. It explained how I knew all the ways she wanted to be touched, held, kissed and teased, because she'd taught me through false consent. And she'd gotten off to it.

Why did my heart sing loudest for her between all of my anxiety? Now that my reality tore at itself, I wanted to go back in there and tear into her. I didn't have any answers. I thought I could find them inside of her. That wouldn't, couldn't give me everything I needed. I didn't know. I didn't know…

Even when I first became a l'Cie and was on the run, I hadn't felt this lost. I knew I had to fight to survive. With this…I'd turned into a trembling coward.

Once I numbed away the fear from my limbs, I turned the water off. I knocked a towel down to the floor and stepped on it. Water poured down from my clothes, pooling over the towel. I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot. I was pale. Something about my hair had changed. It almost lost its style. All this time…Fang felt guilty about controlling me in my sleep. All this time…all these secrets… She knew she had to come clean with me if we were going to be together. She knew that the truth would threaten to break me like this. That wasn't the worst part. She had more. More things she was into, more wants and needs that were bound to throw me off.

If I couldn't handle this—the possibility that all of my dreams had really happened—then I didn't think I could handle her. Just like when I started liking her, I'd known I was in over my head. I felt that way all over again: like a lost kid lusting after someone leagues beyond me…

"I told you," sounded Vespair's voice behind me. I nearly jumped when I saw her reflection in the mirror. "Didn't I warn you about this?" I pressed my palms against the sink counter, leaning my weight there. Seeing her again confused me even more. "I bet you wanna know if your dreams just line up with a fantasy of hers. It could've been the black velvet, after all… You've got no idea. What if you're freakin' out over nothing?"

"Damnit, Vespair," I hissed. "What do you want?"

"I wanna make sure you ain't runnin' away from her," she answered. "If you do, we're gonna have a problem!"

I stopped believing I had a say in anything anymore. "Are you forcing me to be with her?"

"No," she replied. "I'm givin' you a friendly suggestion: don't assume shit. So what if you had a dream about Fang raping you? It was rape, by the way. You weren't really awake to say yes or no. Ain't it weird how it was still rape even though you ate her out? Don't hear about that kind too much these days." I leered at her through the mirror. She wasn't going to give me any straight answers. The gaping hole of dread in my stomach grew bigger. "I think it's magical. The way she can give you orders, and they'll find you through the depths of your sleep. It's the type of bond that shouldn't be broken."

I folded my arms against the counter, hiding my face there. "You say that like it's a good thing," I muttered. "Except you know I can't handle this… I can't deal with it. I'm her left hand. I'm her slave. I like that she has this over me, but I can't come to terms with it… Why are you here? Why are you supposedly helping me with her?"

Vespair stood next to me. Her presence calmed me, somehow. "You're the only one that can take care of her on the front lines," she said. She almost sounded…caring. "There's certain things I've gotta do behind the scenes. I can't keep bein' that voice in her head tellin' her to go after you. Now that you're steppin' up to the plate, I take care of the rest of what she needs." She leaned down to talk right at me. "You are gonna get your head on straight and shake this off, right?"

"Just as soon as you tell me I'm worrying over nothing, I'll stop."

"I shouldn't have to, Lightning," she insisted. I felt my stomach twisting again. "Whether it happened for real or not, everyone's got terrible secrets. Everyone's got a side of themselves that they don't want the world to know. What's the use in bein' with someone halfway? Why should anyone bother with some light relationship where all you talk about is your day at work and what you want for dinner?" Her words resonated with me. That had been the exact reason why I never bothered with relationships. It wasn't that my focus was someplace else. It was that I didn't want to get bogged down by complacency. "All that does is breed contempt. You know that. Some people think they can be happy with those scraps. Fang can't, and neither can you. I've watched you long enough to know that."

"You think I'm twisted like her?" I asked. "Is that why we belong together?"

Vespair rubbed my back. "It's only a matter of time," she murmured. Suddenly, my clothes were dry, and my hair fixed itself. I wasn't pale anymore. She unwrapped the gauze from around my neck. My wounds had healed completely. "Embrace this chaos. If you run away from it, your own complacency's gonna catch up to you one day. It'll haunt you. I won't need to do anything. Think this through before you go runnin' off."

Yet again, Vespair told me to think. She hadn't answered all of my questions. I wanted to ask what she'd meant last night about Fang not having as much time as I did. When I thought to say something, Vespair disappeared into the shadows. Somehow, not having an answer to that started to bother me more than everything else. It moved into my psyche and stayed there, kicking out my previous fears as if they were nothing important. Maybe they weren't.

Whether all of that happened or not, Vespair was right. Only a matter of time… I had the sickest curiosity to see if she was right about that, too.

.

Later that day, Sazh brought us all back to Bodhum by airship. He had orders to take Fang back to PSICOM's headquarters for them to run more tests. I wasn't allowed to go with her this time. I couldn't visit her, either. When we said our goodbyes, I did my best to not let her see how troubled I was. It wasn't as bad as it had been earlier. A few days apart would give me time to think. I promised her I'd stay on top of her progress as best as I could from the outside. I had a bad feeling about them not allowing me to go with her that time. But…Hope would be there. I had to trust that he'd look out for her.

Serah walked with me back home. She made small-talk about school and finding an apartment near the campus. Vanille had agreed to move in with her… My sister had promised to help her with her driver's license, getting her I.D. card, and everything else that Fang needed, too.

"And where is Fang supposed to stay?" I finally asked. Serah said nothing as she unlocked the door. "You and Vanille are best friends now. That's great. But she and Fang have been close for years. How could you make this decision without her? Does she know?"

"No, she doesn't," answered Serah. She went to her room. I followed her. "I'm getting some of my things. She can stay here with you. You can tell her when you see her again, right?"

I watched her pack her clothes into a suitcase. Something wasn't right. "You don't like Fang, do you?"

Serah bristled. "I think she's different," she said. "There's nothing wrong with it."

"Different?" I echoed. "She helped me save you! Fang is one of the few people in this world who I can count on. Now you're making me feel like you're not on that list anymore."

Serah stopped to stare at me, exasperated. "You're being dramatic, Claire," she admonished. "Honestly, there isn't anything wrong. You want to be with her, even though you know she's a bad influence. I don't want to be around when she spirals your life out of control. I've learned enough about her to know how she is. I don't see how Vanille can be so close to someone like her."

I went over to her. "Someone like her," I deadpanned. Serah didn't have the decency to look me in the eye. I shut her suitcase closed. "You sound exactly like the people who are afraid of her for no good reason. Who are you to judge her? You're basing all of this on the two of us using drugs? Is that it?"

Serah shook her head. "Fang isn't good for you," she whispered. "I wish you'd see that."

"How do you know?" I asked, raising my voice. My sister flinched. "How can you possibly know? You've spoken all but six sentences to her! You don't know who she is!"

"Vanille's told me enough," she countered. I deflated. Vanille talked about Fang behind her back…? "You have to know by now. Fang is a narcissist. She wants it her way or no way at all. If you're not with her, you're against her, and she'll find any way to shame you for it." Hearing that brought back memories to the arguments Fang and I had in the past. I wouldn't want to go along with something, and she made me think I was in the wrong for it. "I know how you are, Claire. You'll bend over backwards to please someone or take care of them, setting aside your own needs. How long can you keep doing that for? How long will it take for you to realize that she isn't the free spirit you think she is?"

I had no idea what to say to that. One thing was clear—Serah didn't support me. She didn't approve of what I had with Fang…not at all. I let go of her suitcase. She finished packing. Tears welled up in her eyes from my silence. She knew what it meant: that I didn't need to argue the point anymore. That I'd already chosen Fang over her. She'd already known that I'd do this. That was why, once she was done, she handed me her key without a word. I heard her sobbing just as she closed the front door behind her.

I sat down on her mattress, weighed down by everything. I felt like a wind-up toy. Just twelve hours ago, I'd been convinced that Fang had manipulated me into sleeping with her. I'd thought that she'd tapped into my subconscious and made me act on all the things I'd buried away. It scared me. It amazed me. And now I practically kicked my sister out of my house over her. The same woman who could have—maybe—possibly done the very things that Serah had accused her of doing. Once again, I didn't want to bring up the issue to Fang directly. If she got angry with me, I wouldn't know what to do. At the same time, I didn't want this growing into resentment…

Fang really had me wrapped around her finger, and she didn't know it. Not completely.

Lumina appeared in front of me. She frowned, worried. "You should find a way to balance it, like always," she suggested. I sighed. "Um…I know you don't want to talk about it. I have something else for you instead." She handed me a disc. It was clouded in chaos. "It's the recording of who made the report to PSICOM about Fang. You know, the one you asked me to find…"

"Thanks for this," I said. She smiled a little. "Why is there chaos over it?"

"It's meant to distort one of the voices," she replied. Lumina touched the disc and made it play. "Listen."

Yaag Rosch's voice sounded first: "—how do you know this? Who are you?"

Then I heard someone else. They'd obviously used a voice changer to throw the listener off. "I know her better than anyone. She's dangerous. Fang's chaos levels are off the charts. I bet you anything she'll infect someone on that precious world of yours. Once that happens, it'll be too late. Might as well get rid of her before she sets foot on your planet."

"You have proof that she's infected? Show me!"

"I'm forwarding the picture to you now. That's Fang, stuck in Elysium, the underworld. If any living person sets foot in that place, they're done for. She's gonna bring all of that with her. You don't want it spreading to your citizens, Lieutenant-Colonel. There'll be hell to pay if it does."

Lumina stopped the recording. "Do you know who it is?" she asked.

"I have my suspicions, but they can't be right… The person's dialect sounds familiar. It doesn't make any sense. Is there some way you can bypass the voice changer?" She cleaned it up for me. When she played it again, there was no denying it. "There's no way Fang would implicate herself like this. It sounds just like her. That means it has to be Vespair that did this…"

"Yep," she said sadly. Lumina shut the recording off. I turned it over in my hands, wondering why… "I think she's up to something. I've tried keeping an eye on her, but she knows how to avoid me. She spends a lot of time in Luxerion. The Order of Salvation still isn't happy with you after what happened with Bhunivelze. With all the rumors spreading about your relationship, they're just as mad at Fang as they are with you. She might be pulling their strings."

"Why would she do this?" I asked, gripping my head. "Vespair made me think she was all about protecting Fang! Turning her in to PSICOM and messing with the Order of Salvation… That goes against everything she's been telling me!"

Lumina sat down next to me. "I know you don't want to hear this," she started, "But Vespair doesn't do anything without a good reason. I think she does want to protect Fang. There has to be something deeper to this. Something she won't come out and say. I'll keep watching her as best as I can. We'll get to the bottom of this!"

I stared at her in disbelief. "You got in my way so much back on Nova Chrysalia," I said. Lumina frowned in guilt. "What's changed? Why are you going out of your way to help me now?"

"I didn't like how much control Bhunivelze had over you," she explained. "You weren't yourself. I thought if I messed with you, you'd come to your senses. In a way, it worked. Now that you can make your own decisions, I'm on your side. You're my priority. I know Vespair feels the same way about Fang. I want to find out why she goes about it so differently…"

Lumina insisted that I calm down and think things though. I went to rest in my bed. She cleaned around the house, putting things back the way I wanted them. Snow and the others had visited while Fang and I were in the Sunleth Waterscape. I'd been too distracted by Serah moving out to notice. While I listened to her moving around in the other rooms, I realized something. Lumina really did have my back. If she thought Fang wasn't good for me, she wouldn't have held back her opinions. After all, Lumina was essentially my other half…and she had nothing bad to say about Fang, unlike my sister. That reassured me I was on the right path, no matter how much it hurt to remember Serah crying as she left earlier.