"Anxious Heart" from Final Fantasy VII

VIII. Scapegoat

Immense emotional weight kept me in bed for nearly a week. I thought that this time apart would give me space to think. Instead, it turned into me missing Fang too much. I stayed in my room, in the dark, wishing I could go to her sooner. I spent hours on end fantasizing about her, about us. I couldn't get rid of this need to be with her. Nothing was official yet. One thing that cheered me up was the thought of asking her to be with me as soon as I got the chance. Hearing from Jihl also helped—she scheduled an appointment for us to meet in her office this afternoon. She also promised I could see Fang right after our meeting. Even though she mentioned that she had something very important to discuss with me, I was more focused on seeing Fang again.

I had about an hour before my meeting in Jihl's office at PSICOM's headquarters. I decided to make a stop on the way there. So much had been going on—I hadn't had the time to visit my parents' graves at the cemetery. I went to buy flowers first. After I picked out a bouquet, I noticed a single rose separated from everything else. The petals were the same blue as Fang's sari, and the rose itself was everlasting. The price was much steeper compared to the rest of the flowers. I bought it for Fang anyway, hoping she'd appreciate it. I planned on giving it to her when I asked her to be with me later that day.

When I arrived to the cemetery, it was somehow sadder than I thought it would be. Serah wasn't with me. That didn't help at all. I sent her a text as I made my way to the bench in front of the graves. Something simple: asking if she wanted to talk…

I sat down on the bench with my head down. For years—centuries—I'd thought about coming back here to see them. I imagined the sky would be overcast, and that there wouldn't be other people for miles around. Just my parents and me, here, yet still separated by the boundaries of life and death. There were clouds overhead, but not nearly as much as I'd pictured. The summer afternoon was humid through all the grey. The park across the street was filled with people—happy families; parents sitting on benches watching their kids, or playing with them. It pained me to watch them. It hurt even more to look away and see my parents' names carved in front of me.

"I'm not sure how much you know," I said to them. "Serah isn't here with me because she doesn't approve… She doesn't like who I'm falling for. But she doesn't understand. She has no idea how long it's taken me to get to this point with someone. After we lost both of you, I didn't know what to do. I shut down. I stopped feeling. I killed who I was and became who I am now. It's taken me so long to put the pieces back together, and yet there always has to be something in the way…"

Serah replied to my text: "I can't talk right now. Mog wants to go shopping. Vanille and I are getting ready to meet him at the mall in Fashion Valley now. You can meet us there if you really want to discuss something with me. Unless you have other, more important things to do."

Reading that from her in front of our parents hurt too much. I put my phone away without responding. I spent about half an hour longer, talking to headstones that couldn't say anything back. I told them as much as I could about Fang, if only to take my mind off of my sister.

During the drive to PSICOM's headquarters, I still felt uneasy. I had a bad feeling about this meeting that I couldn't explain. My latest depression might have had something to do with it. Jihl had said she'd update me on Fang's progress. That meant Fang was all right, and nothing had happened to her. Then again, I could never be sure of anything until I saw her with my own eyes. Even when I arrived to the building, everyone acted strangely. They avoided eye contact with me, for one. A lot of them tried to hide how much of a rush they were in to get from room to room. Every time I passed a TV monitor broadcasting the news, it mysteriously shut off before I could hear anything. The hallway leading to Central Command echoed from all the shouting going on in the room. Something was definitely up.

When I got to Jihl's office, she stood to greet me. I ignored all of her awards and medals on the walls, going straight to the chair in front of her desk. She had stacks of files there, all piled neatly. Most of them had Fang and Vanille's names on them. The rest were about Gran Pulse. There was one other file that looked like it didn't belong. She purposely hid it from my view before I could get a better look.

Jihl forced a smile. "How good to see you again, Savior," she said.

"Can we cut the pleasantries?" I asked, irritated. "What is going on here? Why is everyone on-edge?"

"I'm not authorized to disclose that information to you," she replied, clasping her hands over her desk. "It's strictly need-to-know. However, that is also why I called you to this meeting. If you agree to my previous offer, I will gladly explain the situation. Your responsibilities can be limited to overseeing Oerba Yun Fang's assimilation into Chrysalian society, pending her involvement in the Gran Pulse Relocation Project. That in itself is a great task, considering the circumstances."

"What circumstances?" I demanded. Jihl only gave me another wooden smile. "Fine. If you won't answer that, then tell me—is she hurt? Is she even here?"

"Your partner is doing just fine," she answered. My heart skipped a beat over the technicality. "She is here in the building, yes. Are you ready to accept my offer?"

I really didn't like this. It was as if I had no choice. "What authority would I have?"

Jihl showed me a legal form. "First, I would have you sign this in order to give you Power of Attorney over her affairs," she explained. I saw Fang's signature in Pulsian script at the bottom. "As you can see, she has already consented to you being her agent. You would work closely with me to make sure that she obtains all the necessary licenses required of her. Beyond that, I would require you to swear an oath of allegiance to the Gestalt. If you agree to protect the crystal-state of Cocoon, the Gestalt will grant you a remote seat of power in the chain of command—one similar to lieutenant-colonel. You could think of it as one of the many benefits of being our Savior. That would be your title. Simple enough, isn't it?"

"How would I protect Cocoon?" I asked. "And from what? There's nothing going on."

Jihl removed her glasses, tired all of a sudden. "Quite the contrary," she lamented. "As I said before, I can't give away any details. You would protect Cocoon more covertly. Think black ops. Your partner would be more than welcome to accompany you. We wouldn't want either of you in the spotlight. It might give our enemies unnecessary fuel to use against us."

"Enemies?! What enemies? Chrysalis is barely two months old! How can there be problems like this?"

Jihl said nothing. She slid a pen next to the POA document, letting that speak for her. Being Fang's agent and being part of the Gestalt's chain of command were one and the same. I couldn't be one while ignoring the other. I leered at her before picking up the pen. If this was some kind of trap, I wouldn't let them get away with it. I signed the form. After that, Jihl gave me the oath to swear: that protecting Cocoon was the same as protecting Fang's affairs. Without Bodhum, without the Gestalt's survival, the people would fall into anarchy. Some of them might decide to go invade Gran Pulse and claim it for themselves.

I agreed to the oath, more for Fang's sake than anything. This gave me the necessary power to make sure she had everything she needed. Jihl smiled, satisfied, and led me out of her office, down below the ground floor. During the elevator ride, Jihl explained the situation.

"There is no easy way to put this," she started. "Luxerion has declared war on Cocoon. The crystal-state of Nova Chrysalia as a whole has officially stated they are not involved, and that Luxerion is acting independently. The Order of Salvation suffered a grave bane when you returned with Fang from Elysium. Their leader fell ill from a chaos infection. The Secutors also claim that the Gestalt made a dire mistake in not consulting Nova Chrysalia before allowing Fang to land on the planet."

"And what about Fang?" I asked. "Do they plan on punishing her for this? What proof do they even have that it was her fault in the first place? Without that, it's nothing but a coincidence."

"I agree that she's become their scapegoat," replied Jihl. "They have no credible evidence that Paddra Nsu-Yeul's infection is one of chaos, let alone from Elysium." Yeul? Serah had told me that she and Noel went to Luxerion to see what they could do. If Yeul became their leader, then that meant Noel was involved somehow… "That isn't stopping the Order from making demands. They declared war because we refused to simply hand Fang over to them. It was my call, along with the Gestalt's scientists. Suffice to say, my colleagues are not pleased with our decision."

I would have never guessed that Jihl would do something like this. "How did you convince them to listen to you…?"

"I reminded them of Fang's importance to us," she answered. "She has helped our scientists make tremendous breakthroughs with their research on the fragments of memories. Many of Chrysalis' citizens are missing fragments. They all run the risk of their minds decaying without this research. I chose to place the citizens' well-being over placating the Order of Salvation. It was a utilitarian decision."

"You had to know that I wouldn't exactly be happy if you gave Fang to them. You've made it clear that the government needs my help."

Jihl smiled. "That went without saying," she added. "We've nearly arrived. As you could guess, I also had to make certain concessions in order to keep your partner here. You now have the authority to override those in any way you see fit."

When the elevator doors opened, I got an earful of Fang's threats echoing through the prison. I hurried down the stone halls with Jihl, noticing dozens of guards piled on the ground, writhing in pain. Fang obviously hadn't gone along with this peacefully. We found the Warden near Fang's holding cell. He spoke with a few medics, asking them to take care of the guards who'd made the mistake of trying to restrain Fang of all people.

"You'd better let me the fuck outta here right now!" yelled Fang. The Warden ignored her. "Hey, I'm talkin' to you! If you don't unlock this thing, my girl's gonna be just as pissed as I am! Do you know who the hell she is?! Do you know what the fucking Savior could do to your scrawny ass?!"

"Fang, I'm here!" I said to her. She calmed down when she saw me, smiling. "Are you all right? How long have you been down here for?"

"Like a whole day," she scoffed. "They moved me from another cell a few minutes ago. Wouldn't say why. This asshole won't let me out. Said somethin' about me bein' a bargaining chip! What the hell?!"

"Unlock this cell—now!" I shouted at the Warden. He gave me this nervous look, like he didn't know what to do.

Jihl cleared her throat. "Warden Thomas," she said, "You'll be pleased to know that the Savior has been promoted. Her officer status is the equivalent to lieutenant-colonel, effective immediately. You'd be wise to do as she says…unless you enjoy insubordination, that is. I can't imagine why you would!"

"Y-Yes, Lieutenant-Colonel, Savior," he said, doing as he was told.

Fang sneered at him as she walked out the cell. "That's right, short-stuff—keep it movin'," she mocked as he walked away. Her eyes lit up when she regarded me again. "I can't remember the last time I was this glad to see you!" She held my face in her hands and kissed me full-on, unexpected. I widened my eyes and froze from the fluttering sensation in my chest. "C'mon, take me outta this damn place. Unless I've got more tests to do?"

Jihl covered her smile with her hand. "No, you're free to go," she replied. "We've moved your airship to a civilian hangar. Simply swipe the I.D. card we issued to you, and the doors will open. Dr. Estheim will call you for your next appointment. It will be within a few days, so try not to go off in search of more catalysts just yet."

"Yeah, that's fine," said Fang. "Thanks for lookin' out for me—as much as you could, anyway." She held my hand, guiding me back to the elevator. "You won't believe this! Those damn Secutors think it's my fault that their Yeul's about to keel over any day now. I thought you said she and Noel only went there to scope out the scene? She turned into their head priestess!"

"I only found out about this a few minutes ago. It doesn't make sense to me, either."

I had her rose up in the crystal of my garb. With everything going on, this wasn't exactly the best time to have that moment I planned for. I walked with Fang out to the parking lot. She asked me to drive her to where her Monoculus gang lived. The whole way, I listened to her rant about the war, and how unfair Luxerion was over everything. I enjoyed listening to her. Even the anger in her energy was infectious. It lifted me after spending the last few days without her. And yet I couldn't help this gaping feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew that I'd go back to being depressed if I kept holding this question inside. I remembered the way she'd said earlier that I was her girl, but I still wanted to ask.

My navigation system must have been lying to me. From the address Fang gave me, the GPS took us to a club downtown, called the Scorpion. The bass from the music playing inside thrummed its way into my car. The same type of crowd from Nautilus' theater were here: leather, lace and fishnets, thigh-high and combat boots, dark makeup and a different edge about them.

"Fang, are you sure this is the place?" I asked. "It's a nightclub…"

"Sure I'm sure," she answered. "It's Snow's. On our flight back from Nautilus, he promised to hook us up. I said my boys would save up to buy half the club. After that, we'd get our cut in profits. In the meantime, he's lettin' us stay in one of the apartments above the club. It's the real deal."

I looked for a place to park. "Do you plan on living with them?"

"And give up livin' on the Ragnarok?! Hell no! Besides, some of 'em are too rowdy even for me. I'd rather live on our ship with Vanille. Speakin' of which, I've been callin' her and she won't pick up. You sure Serah taught her how to use this damned thing?"

"Vanille already said she's moving in with my sister…"

Fang's face fell. "What? She didn't say a word to me about that… Why didn't she tell me?"

I parked behind the club and turned the car off. I wished there was some way I didn't have to tell her this. "I'm not clear on why Vanille didn't tell you herself," I said. "A lot's changed. She and my sister have gotten close over the past few weeks. Serah isn't too happy with me anymore, either."

"Why not…?"

"My sister doesn't like you…"

Fang's whole demeanor slumped down. Hearing that cut her deeper than I thought it would. I'd assumed she would've been more upset about Vanille not communicating with her. I was surprised that she cared so much about what someone else thought of her. She normally didn't care about things like that. Because it was Serah, she must not have been able to help it. I couldn't figure out why. They'd hardly spoken to each other.

"Serah said that you're a bad influence on me," I went on. "I've been alone since you left…"

Fang held her hand out, cutting me off before I could say more. "No, don't tell me," she pleaded, looking away. "Don't… It hurts too much. I don't wanna know any more than you've already told me. It's all too damn much. I really wanted your sister to like me. I needed her to… I must've fucked everything up when she showed up outta nowhere outside Nautilus. I should've made some kinda effort. I didn't…"

Maybe I should have waited until after I'd asked her before telling her that. Now she was sad beyond belief. I went with her in the club through the back entrance. As we passed through to the flight of stairs, she reminded me in a low voice that I was a member of her gang. Business was business, and she wanted to get this taken care of before we spoke more. I tried to guess why she craved my sister's approval so much. No matter what Serah did, I wasn't going back on my decisions. She couldn't pressure me into walking away. Fang knew that. I had no idea why she was so upset over this.

.

After the meeting, I drove Fang back to PSICOM's headquarters. I made my way past security and over to the hangar where the Ragnarok was. She insisted that she wanted to live there alone. I felt like there wasn't anything I could say or do to change her mind. It was comforting to know that she had her network of bandits looking for information on Luxerion—anything they could use to keep Fang aware of the Order's plans, to keep her safe. That didn't stop me from worrying about her.

"It's this one here," she said. I parked the car. "Look, Light, I've been thinkin'. I feel like maybe your sister's right. I've got bad habits, I'm the head of a gang and I'm Luxerion's number one public enemy. I don't want you bein' around me with this target painted on my back." I stared at her in disbelief. She didn't just say what I thought she said. "I know what you're gonna say—that you wanna protect me and all that. As much as I love your sense of honor, you can't protect me from a legion of Secutors who want my head. You shouldn't throw your family away for me, either. No one's worth that price…"

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to pull her close and kiss her if it would make her shut up about this. Fang had no idea how hypocritical all of this was! It was perfectly fine for her to walk away from me, and yet she felt like I wasn't right for her because I might've walked away from her. It wasn't like her to give up like this. I was so baffled that I couldn't feel hurt. I couldn't say anything. I had no words.

Fang took my silence as an agreement and got out of the car. She walked away without looking back. She swiped her card next to the hangar door. When she went inside, she didn't close the door behind her. She left it open. If that wasn't a silent plea for me to go after her, I didn't know what was. I looked over to the passenger's door. I saw her tears over the surface, glittering in the light of the bright lamps. I got the rose from my crystal and followed her inside the airship.

My first instinct was to find the captain's quarters. She'd had me sleep in one of the communal rooms during my coma. Fang had no reason to be there. If she was upset, then she'd retreat to her own space. It bothered me to think about her living in this huge ship all by herself. It frustrated me to think about her running away from me now. She'd spent so long telling herself that she couldn't have everything she wanted with me. She must not have known how open I was to her. I was able to brush off that dream I'd had in Nautilus because I wanted her that much—I wasn't going to let anything drive me away from her.

I found her right where I knew she'd be. Fang had the door open, letting me see inside to the room's red-and-black scheme like the rest of the ship. She lay on her side in the king-sized bed, staring at the wall. Bane was fast asleep in a corner of the room. When Fang heard me walk inside, she sat up in surprise. Guilt was there in her eyes, but I couldn't be angry. I couldn't be upset with her. Deep down, I understood this change in her character. But at the same time…

"Did you think I was just going to let you walk away from me?" I asked. Fang averted her eyes. I went over to the side of the bed, handing her the rose. "I bought this for you today. It's everlasting, and it's the same color as your sari. I didn't expect any of this to happen today… All I wanted was to make you happy. I know you want the same thing."

Fang held the rose close to her chest. "This is real sweet of you, Light," she said. "But you know I'm no good. This is why I never said anything before. Now with all this shit goin' on…I don't know what to do."

"You can be with me instead of running away. I want you to. Will you?"

She didn't have an answer for me. Fang lay down over her back, smelling the rose. Emotions welled up in her eyes; she held them back as best as she could. I crawled on top of her. Fang stared at me, wide-eyed as I set her rose aside. I held her face in my hands the same way she did to me earlier; pressed my lips to hers with that same vigor, and more, making her remember me. Her chest hitched beneath mine. I tasted her feelings through her lips, her tongue and her soft breaths against mine.

I whispered through her mouth, "You have no idea… You don't know what I would sacrifice for you. You don't know who or what I would tear down for you." I pulled away enough to look at her looking up at me. Fang let me see all of her heart's anxieties through her eyes. "I don't care that all of Luxerion wants you dead. They're not taking you away from me. I won't let you isolate yourself from me because of them, or because of my sister. You mean too much to me. You are everything to me, Fang. I need you to be with me—to be by my side. Please…"

Fang had me lie down next to her. "All right," she whispered back. "You win… I can't run from you. Not when you get like this… Stay the night with me. I haven't slept right since we were in that hotel. I missed you too much to sleep at all." I rested my head over her chest, breathing easy for the first time in days. "I just wanna know one thing before I close my eyes."

"What is it?"

"I'm not askin' you this 'cause I'm insecure. I'm only curious… Why do you like me so much? You and I are complete opposites. If it's got nothin' to do with that stupid law of attraction, then what is it?"

That was easy to answer. "You accept me as I am," I told her. "I don't have to justify myself to you. I don't have to worry about you misunderstanding me. When I lost my parents, I conditioned myself to stop feeling. You don't question why I am the way I am… It has this effect on me. You bring me back to how caring I used to be—at least on the inside. I want your truth and your honesty, no matter how bad you think it might be."

Fang smiled against my hair. "You told me somethin' like that back in Eden," she recalled. "That last night we all had together to rest. We were in that library, and you told me that about you and your folks… Is this what you really meant to say?"

"It was. The most I could tell you was that I loved you as a friend. Now that we have this, I can't go back to how closed-off I was with you. Let me into your world and I'll keep letting you into mine."

Even though Fang didn't say anything, I knew she was happy. She fell asleep with a contented smile on her face. I stayed awake for a few hours, listening to her breathe. My chest swelled from how grateful I was to have this time with her. After everything that went on today, I knew that things wouldn't be simple. There wouldn't be any time for us to fall into complacency. Instead, we had to deal with the opposite: not knowing what would happen tomorrow, or the day after that. I shook away my more negative thoughts about Luxerion and making them pay for this. That was out of my hands.

No matter the uncertainty, I felt my devotion growing for her all the same.