A/N – Thanks for the comments! Alright, not much time to write lately because of OT. If I disappear for a day, that's why. Glad you liked Patrick, Gelan, and Johnny O.! * ilovedana53 – Like or not, Sam is sorry for what she did regardless of the reasons and it would be a shock given all the drama her choices re: Jake have caused. * Guest – Not sure if I want Liz raising Danny full time. I want them to adults in this. She may or may not end up alone but I'm not going to make her crazy or anything. *
Chapter 21 – Making Changes
Jason was in a room alone with Johnny. He wasn't sure how the conversation would go, but it was definitely needed.
"Why did you bring me back after what went down?" Johnny asked.
"I couldn't tell Robin not to. She would have asked too many questions."
Johnny nodded. "Now what? You kill me for good this time?"
"I just can't believe you sold us out because of a gambling debt. Why didn't you come to me?"
Johnny rolled his eyes. "You were stuck on Courtney at the time."
Jason sighed. "Really?"
"I could have said stuck on stupid since you let Elizabeth go for that idiot."
"We're not talking about my personal life right now. I have always felt like something was missing in this story. Now is your chance to come clean."
Johnny closed his eyes and looked down. "They had my mom. Alcazar said if I didn't turn on you, he'd kill her."
"I could have fixed things." Jason was frustrated that he didn't come to him. All of this could have been avoided.
"How? She was in Ireland. How exactly were you going to save my mom before Alcazar's men could pull the trigger? Besides, I'm just a fucking guard. Sonny would have never backed me like that."
"We'll I'm not Sonny. You didn't even give me a chance."
"I'm sorry. I can't go back. It's too late for that."
Jason pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know how to trust you."
"I'm hoping you'll let me earn me it. Look, I know I screwed up. I wish I had come to you but it was my mom Jason."
"Sonny will flip his lid. I'll have to keep you hidden for now."
"Where's Francis?"
"The island. Johnny, I've been out of the mob for the last few years thinking I was someone else. Sonny shot and killed AJ. He went to jail and got out on good behavior. I told him I wasn't going back and he didn't accept it, not that I give a shit. I'm not going back which means I can't protect you."
"I understand. I'm on my own. I'm not running Jason. I refuse to do that. You are still going to need guards and I want to do that for you. I'm good. Yeah, I haven't shot a gun in like twelve years but for me it's like I went to sleep one day and woke up the next. I'm good to go."
"Let me think about it. I know that people make mistakes but you would be guarding my family and they would mean everything to me."
"Okay. If you decide I can't be trusted then I'll go away."
Jason stood up and walked towards the door.
"You're looking old."
Jason spun around. "I could still kick your ass."
Johnny smirked and Jason shook his head and walked out. He wasn't sure what to do at this point.
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Elizabeth found Jason in one of the sleeping rooms. "Hey."
He smiled as she rushed towards him and they hugged. "How are you holding up?"
"I wish I could hold him. It's going to be a long process."
"I know. Are you going to be able to take some time off work?"
"I'll call but if they say no I'll quit. Maybe I should just take a leave of absence. I'm not going to want to let Jake out of my sight anyway."
"Whatever you want to do, I'll have your back. Elizabeth. I was wondering, do you want to stay in the house you're in?"
"Why?"
"Well, Sam is practically next door."
She sighed. "Oh. I hadn't thought of that. Did you have some other place in mind?"
He shook his head.
"We'll think about it. You have an appointment tomorrow with Kevin by yourself."
Jason sat time. "Yeah."
She smirked. "I know it's painful but in the end, it's going to help us."
"That's why I agreed to it."
She sat on his lap softly stroked his face. "I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn't matter or you weren't good enough."
"And I'm sorry that I made you feel like I wouldn't choose you are you weren't enough because it's so far from the truth."
She leaned her forehead against his. "No more Jason. We are in this to win this."
He slightly smiled and then kissed her reverently. "Definitely."
She gave him one more peck before pushing herself up. "I have to call Cameron. I hate leaving him but we can't bring him here. It would be too much stress if something goes wrong."
"I know. I'm hoping we can all go home together. It's going to be a huge surprise."
"How are we going to explain it?"
"We'll talk; especially about Jake."
She nodded and then left.
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The next day, Jason went to a room and set up the video chat with Kevin. He was nervous. The last session was brutal for him. It was overwhelming realizing how much they had hurt each other.
"Hello Jason."
"Hey."
"I know you're a busy man so we'll get started."
"Okay."
Kevin took a sip of water. "I want to talk about Sonny and Carly."
Jason almost groaned.
"I understand that the business requires loyalty but I need you to tell me why you took it to the lengths that you did."
"I guess it was because I felt so emotional after the accident. I couldn't relate to anyone and it felt like no one would accept me. Sonny took me in and gave me a job. He worked with me and gave me something to focus on beside the anger that was overwhelming me. I felt like I owed him."
"Do you realize that Liz felt the same way about Lucky?"
He had heard her say that before. "I never really compared them at the time."
"You both are more similar than I think you give each other credit for."
"I know I hurt her because the business came first."
"And she hurt you because Lucky came first. Explain to me the business part."
"It's just the nature of the beast. That is what's expected. I chose that life before I met her. To me, it was just who I was."
"But it's not who you are. It's a job and you're Jason. A job is usually not twenty-four hours a day every day. Were you allowed to have a life outside of work?"
He shrugged. "Mostly on Sonny's terms but there were times that I took off for long periods of time."
"Were some of them because of Elizabeth and her not returning your feelings?"
"Partly."
"Do you realize that when you'd leave that she felt abandoned?"
"Not really. I thought it was for the best. I was damaged and my life was violent. She told me over and over that it was lucky she loved and she wanted to be with him. It was hard to watch. I think part of me just wanted to be normal and I felt like I couldn't. My lifestyle always pushed people away.."
"Lucky was safe for Elizabeth. When you didn't stay and fight, it didn't really give her incentive to choose you. Do you understand that?"
"To a degree. I mean, I'm not sure what I was supposed to do. I didn't want to be the reason they broke up. I wanted her to find her own way."
"And choose you."
"Yes."
"So you both wanted something from the other that you never communicated to each other."
Jason nodded.
"What about Carly?"
"She was fierce and I thought she had my back."
"You thought? Do you feel differently now?"
He fidgeted in his seat. "She hurt me pretty badly when she slept with Sonny and then took Michael away from me. I look at it now and I don't understand why I so easily forgave her. I made excuses for her behavior. I think she convinced me that I was her best friend and I basically was her bitch." It was hard to look back and see himself and everyone else in such a bad light.
"Why did you let her treat you like that?"
"I really didn't have any friends. She and Sonny were pretty much it. Maybe I didn't want to be all alone. Even though Carly was crazy, she said she loved me."
"Did you think the Quartermaine's loved you?"
"I don't think I believed it then because they didn't accept me. I thought Carly did, so when she said she loved me it meant something."
"Just maybe that relationship was toxic and you convinced yourself it was okay to be that way because you needed so badly to be accepted by someone."
"Yeah."
"Jason, it isn't your job to clean up Carly's messes. She uses you as an excuse not to act maturely and you are not helping her by doing that. Not to mention, that according to Elizabeth, she disrespects her a lot."
Jason regretted letting Carly talk to Elizabeth the way she did. He should have stopped it. "I know. I've already made some changes and she says she's not going to ask me to do it anymore."
"That's going to be hard for her because it's what she has always done with you. In a true friendship, where someone truly loves, accepts, and has your back, you don't put the other person in a position to have to harm for you or be there at your beck and call. I need you to understand how much damage that friendship has done to you as a person."
"Michael is at the center of that. I even went to jail for him."
"But yet, you wouldn't make sacrifices for Jake."
Jason's eyes teared. "I thought the ultimate sacrifice for Jake was giving him up even though it killed me."
"The fact that they would let you go to jail for him and didn't step up as his parent speaks volumes of your so called friendship and their parenting skills. What else have you done for Sonny?"
"Too much to list. It's because of him that I even got involved with Sam."
"And you didn't say no to him right?"
He shook his head. "I really wish I had but in my mind he was the boss and I owed him. I have a lot of regrets. I wish I could go back and not get involved with the whole Michael situation. It pitted me against my brother." He had been thinking about his relationship with AJ a lot since they discovered him. "I know at the time, we didn't get along or even like each other. But, he was still family and that was a concept I just didn't get back then. Sonny was family to me. He became everything. In my mind, the Quartermaines were the enemy." His thinking had been so skewed.
"How did Liz figure into this?"
"She was my light. She represented everything I thought I couldn't have. I think I would have gotten shot on purpose just so she could take care of me and feed me that god awful soup."
Kevin smiled. "Do you think you deserve her now?"
"No. The difference is that I want to be the man she does deserves now. I just need her in my life and that outweighs everything else."
"Jason, I really want you to think of all the sacrifices you've made over the years for people that you shouldn't have. Why couldn't you tell people no? You need to re-evaluate your friendships. I want you to separate love and acceptance. You can love someone and not accept their behavior and someone can love you and not accept the violence in your life. Accepting you for you does not have to include your job. Knowing something is unhealthy and pretending it's okay is wrong."
Jason nodded.
"That's enough for today okay?"
"Okay."
They said goodbye and Jason sat in the dark for a long time and the more he thought about his relationships and how toxic they were the more upset he got. He started to cry because he realized how much damage was done and how skewed his perceptions were because of it.
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Liz went to find Jason because he never came back after the session. She searched until she found the room he was in and she leaned her head against the door and she could hear him softly crying and her heart broke.
Slowly, she opened the door and moved towards him and he grabbed her and held on for dear life. When he calmed down enough, she spoke, "Talk to me."
"I'm an idiot."
"Sometimes."
He squeezed her tighter. "I've made so many mistakes that I can't take back. I made the business everything when I shouldn't have. I look back and see that my relationship with Sonny and Carly has led to so many toxic decisions. Jesus, I came to you and asked you for Jake's organs."
"Jason, Joss was going to die. I do get why you would ask. I just wasn't remotely ready to do that and I felt like you didn't care about Jake. You chose to be around Carly's kids when you wouldn't even be around your own."
"The only reason for that was because she was already in the life and chose it. Everyone knew about her and the kids and they were already a target. I tried to stay away for a while, but I just gave in because she was willing to let me be there and she just didn't listen. So I did the best I could to protect them and I failed a lot."
Liz sighed. "I understand but it still hurts. I just felt like even though our son was dead, your first instinct was to help Carly instead of me."
"I didn't know what to do. We had kept this huge secret and I didn't even feel like I had a right to even grieve for Jake. I wasn't a father to him. Carly begged me to help her because she was desperate and as usual, I gave in. Never again. I'm so sorry for hurting you like that. At the time I just didn't see my friendship with her for what it was. She made me feel important, like I was worth fighting for and I couldn't let Josslyn die after we had lost Jake. Afterwards, I threw myself into saving Michael because I couldn't save Jake. I did everything I could do to distract myself that Jake was gone." He held his head down in shame realizing how much he had ran from his feelings.
"Those were some of the darkest times in my life."
"And I wasn't there for you."
"I was not your responsibility and I had a lot of people around me."
"I felt like I caused you more pain when I brought the motorcycle back. I didn't want to hurt you anymore."
Liz wiped her face. "Our little boy is alive and we need to focus on that. He's going to need our love and attention. We can't go back but it matters to me that you are sorry and want to do things differently now."
"And I'll do whatever it takes; give him whatever he needs. That goes for you too Elizabeth. Will you let me?"
She nodded. "I love you so much Jason."
"I love you too."
They kissed and hugged, both lost in their own thoughts. They were tired of the pain and found comfort in their love for each other.
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A few days later, AJ was doing pretty well. It would be a while until he opened his eyes, but his body was responding well to the medication. Jason had no idea what he was going to say to his brother. The last time they were in the same room, AJ had shot Alan. It killed him that Elizabeth had been with his brother. His phone buzzed for the second time in five minutes and he pulled it from his pocket. He sighed and closed his eyes. "Carly."
"Jason. Where the hell have you been?"
"I'm out of the state."
"That really didn't answer my question."
"Look Carly, I'm busy right now."
"Jason, Morgan is out of control and….."
"Stop right there. I'm not having this conversation with you. Morgan can fix his own mess."
"Since when?"
"Since now. You said you weren't going to involve me. I knew it was too good to be true."
"I know but…."
"I need you to listen carefully, Morgan and Michael fucked up their relationship so they need to fix it. If you step in, you'll make matters worse. Now I'm going to hang up. Don't call me back unless you are on your death bed and are about to breathe your last breath."
He ended the call leaving a shocked Carly on the other end.
"That felt good didn't it?" Robin asked moving towards him.
Jason smirked. "Yeah."