Chapter 5 - A Second Chance
Penny sat at the coffee shop table for a little while after Leonard left, she felt she didn't have the strength to move, her body feeling incredibly weak and her mind seemed scarcely able to control it. Even after she did manage to leave, Penny barely made it back to her apartment, not remembering the drive there or even opening her door, but finally falling on her bed, the dam of grief no longer held back as she sobbed into her pillow. The unbelievable emptiness she felt crushed her soul, she felt all alone in the world, like she didn't have anyone to care about her and helpless to do anything about it.
Penny never left her bed that day, except to go to the bathroom, shedding part of her clothes each time, as she would crawl back into bed, not wanting to leave it ever again. She went from periods of staring to sobbing, mumbling she was sorry, and telling him she loved him, like Leonard was laying next to her. It was late at night when she went to the bathroom for the last time that night, washing her face from the makeup smeared on it then crawling into bed, her last clothes gone, and wrapping herself in the sheets to cry herself to sleep. She never knew when she actually fell asleep as fatigue finally took her away that night, she just knew she didn't want to wake up.
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Leonard barely accomplished anything the rest of that day either, his thoughts still dominated by Penny and what it was going to be like to live without her. He had burnt bridges that afternoon, and he knew there was no turning back, he would just have to learn to live without her, to not see her smile, touch her or listen to her sing-song voice, that he loved, as she talked to him. He honestly wondered how he would be happy again in his life without her, and as he laid the picture of her on his desk face down, Leonard began to cry.
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It was just past 6 PM when Bernadette came home to her apartment only to find her husband sitting on the couch just thinking and the house very quiet, alerting her immediately to something wasn't right. "Howie, what's wrong, did something happen?"
Howard turned to look up at her, blinking in surprise, like he just noticed her, "Sorry, something weird happened at work. It was almost like you could feel a disruption in the force."
"Why, what happened?" Bernadette now sat down.
"We found out Leonard is going to England on Friday." Howard said, with a confused tone.
Bernadette returned Howard's look, surprised. "Really? Penny never said anything about that."
Howard slowly nodded, "That is what is weird. They have been trying to get him to come to Cambridge for weeks now, something about doing a data comparison, with data they just obtained and the data from his previous trip, but he refused to go. Leonard told them at Cambridge, that he would help from here, because he didn't want to leave Penny again. But today, he just decided he was going, not a word of why, he just decided to go."
Bernadette just looked at her husband, confused, that was so out of character for Leonard to do something like that, especially when it involved Penny. "Did he say why he did it?"
Howard shook his head, "None of us really talked to him, it was like he was avoiding us. Raj and I found out about it through the nerd-vine." Howard then shook his head again. "I can't help but think it has something to do with Sheldon?"
Bernadette was now more confused, "Why do you say that?"
"Sheldon had his bus pants on today and when we asked him what was happening with Leonard, he just looked at me and Raj, then walked off." Howard looked at his wife and shrugged.
Bernadette nodded, "I need to talk to Penny." She then reached for her phone. Her call only going to voice mail, "Penny call me when you can." the only thing Bernadette thought to say.
"I wonder if Amy knows anything?" Bernadette said to herself, as she dialed Amy's number, but like Penny's it went to voice mail too. Again Bernadette asked Amy to call her too.
Bernadette was now thoroughly confused, looking at her husband again. "I have some compensation time due me at work, so I think I will take tomorrow afternoon off to see Penny and Amy."
Howard nodded. "Let me know what you find out. I'll try to talk to Leonard tomorrow too." The rest of the night was quiet for the two of them, both lost in thought about their friends.
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Penny woke up early the next morning, again like the day before, just laying in bed, not being able to convince herself to get up. The difference that morning though was that the initial shock of what happened was over and a numbness had set in, in its place. Penny laid there just scanning her room with her eyes, after over seven years of it being her home, her apartment felt alien and cold to her, without Leonard. She had broken up with guys she thought she loved before, and it hurt, but never anything like the pain she was going through now. There were even a few moments, the night before, where she wondered what was the use of living anymore, her common sense the only thing that kept her from acting on such insane thoughts. However, she couldn't shake the thought that loosing Leonard would haunt her, her whole life, and that no other man would be able to replace him fully in her heart.
As Penny laid in her bed thinking, she was able to think a little clearer today, however like the day before her thoughts were all centered around Leonard. She thought again about what happened yesterday, what she had done, her feelings towards Leonard and her dreams of their life together. She had thought, when she went to the coffee shop, she could convince him it would never happen again and that she would never had done it without being drunk. However, she fell helpless after Leonard asked her what she would do, the honesty of it too much for her and making her abandon all her courage while in front of him. Penny had to try to talk to him again, she knew Leonard would never refuse to see her, so she had to give it another try, because she loved him. She just couldn't let this be the end, like it seemed to be yesterday, she had to tell him how she felt about him, she had to make another attempt to keep them together, because if she didn't, she felt she would loose her soul.
Penny sat up in the bed and looked at her phone, and it only took her a second to realize that calling him was not an option. She had to see him in person, she wanted him to see she was heartfelt about what she would tell him, and deep down inside she also wanted to hold him. So Penny got up and went to the bathroom to get ready, her grief temporarily on hold as she was now determined to see and talk to Leonard. Penny worked quickly to get ready, trying to make herself look sincere, and not flashy for talking to him, she wanted to fight for him any way she could, because she knew Leonard was worth it.
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Bernadette showed up at Amy's lab almost a half hour before lunch, just in case she had to convince her friend to go with her. Amy's door was opened, but seeing her friend bend over a specimen tray just staring at the contents made Bernadette wonder if something was wrong. So Bernadette stood in the doorway and just watched, and as time went on Bernadette became worried, because her friend didn't move for the entire five minutes Bernadette watched. Soon the petite blond couldn't watch anymore and knocked on the door frame, getting a second surprise, as two tired eyes with bags under them, from not sleeping, turned her way.
Bernadette stepped into the room now, concern on her face. "Amy what's wrong?"
Amy was torn, she had not seen any of her friends for two days and she missed them horribly, especially the girls, but then she was ashamed about what happened and talking about it was something she didn't want to do. "Hi Bernadette…..nothing, just tired." Amy took the safe route hiding her pain, like she did as a kid, when things were bad for her.
Bernadette shook her head, she had know Amy too long to be fooled by her attempts to cover her feelings, so she walked up to her friend, put her hand on her shoulder and in a quiet voice. "Amy, its me, tell me what's wrong."
Amy couldn't keep the stray tears from coming down her cheeks as she looked at her caring friend. "Bernadette, I really screwed up with Sheldon."
Bernadette took her friend in her arms as Amy whimpered on her shoulder, them both staying like that for several minutes as Amy let some of the grief she felt come out. Finally Bernadette held her friend at arms length, "Amy you need to get out of here and go to lunch with me. We can talk about this problem with Sheldon then, so get your purse and lets go." Amy just nodded and stood up to follow her friend.
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Penny had no idea that she arrived at Cal Tech a little bit after her friends left for lunch, she was actually happy about her timing, hoping she could have lunch with Leonard, so they could have longer to talk. However when she went to his office she found it locked, with a sign that he was over at the laser lab, but thankfully Penny knew exactly where the laser lab was located. The walk to the labs, Penny was deep in thought, oblivious to all the young men and some women looking at her in desire, as her mind went back to the times she was in Leonard's lab and the memories of how it felt to be held and loved by him. Those recollections though were interrupted when she found herself in front of the lab door, the warning system on, 'Laser in Operation, No Admittance'.
Inside the lab, Leonard was sitting on a stool his arms resting on a lab table and his head in his hands, he had come there just under an hour ago to escape, his office, his work and human beings in general. He didn't feel any better than yesterday, but he knew the pain he felt would become less after a while, after all he had broken up with Penny before, but right now he felt his very soul was being tortured beyond his ability to cope. His heart told him that leaving Penny was giving up his soul mate, the one human in the world for him, but his mind keep repeating to him 'Pathetic, you're just being pathetic'. He was so deep in his grief and self pity, that it wasn't to the third ring of the visitor alarm, that he finally looked up at the door monitor screen, and what he saw shook him to his core. The sight of Penny, actually made Leonard believe he fell asleep and was now in a dream, but when she pushed the intercom, he knew it was no dream. "Leonard, please open the door. Please Sweetie."
Leonard seemed to be on autopilot as he got up from the stool to open the door and he felt weak as he saw her just standing there, looking down and just barely lifting her eyes to look at him. "Is it okay that I come in?" she asked quietly.
Leonard looked around the room, there wasn't a single piece of equipment turned on, other than the lights, so he just nodded and said just as quietly, "Okay."
Penny walked into the lab, following him, closing the door behind her and flipping the lock on, she needed to talk to him and she was afraid someone might come in and ruin it. She then continued into the room, watching as he sat down on a stool next to one of the experiment tables, so she sat in the stool near him. Again, like in the coffee shop, his hands were not available for her to take hold of and the feeling of being alone while with him came back strongly. But she had him to herself, this was what she wanted, however the next couple of moments all she seemed able to do was stare at him, in fear.
Leonard didn't know what to do, her surprising him there had caught him completely off guard and he felt helpless at the moment. The day before he had planned everything, he wanted to say and even then he almost broke down in front of her. Today, she was in control, because he didn't know for sure what she wanted and he didn't know how to act. He tried to prepare himself for anything, but after a few moments he realized she hadn't said a thing and just sat there staring at him.
The silence went from a pause to something uncomfortable and Penny knew she needed to say something, "I hope I'm not taking you from anything you need to do?"
The question actually surprised Leonard, so he just answered honestly, as he shook his head and shrugged. "I just came here to think, it was a place I could be alone."
Penny nodded, it was her fault he was here alone, it only made her feel worse. She needed to tell him now. "I love you Leonard. I really do. Nothing that happened, happened because I didn't love you. It was a stupid mistake, I drank too much. I love you." She then looked at him hoping for some kind of positive response.
"I love you, Penny." he said quietly and for a second Penny had hope. "But Penny, I don't think that is enough right now." that hope evaporated before Penny's eyes as he continued to speak. "Also Penny, I think we both have never been in the same place in this relationship and maybe never will be." Leonard then sighed, "I think we need some time apart."
"No Leonard, I want to marry you, I don't want us to split up. Leonard I screwed up big time, but it won't happen again. I promise you, I will never drink again. Please Leonard, just forgive me this once, I promise to make it up to you. You won't regret it. I love you Honey." Penny pleaded.
Leonard shook his head, a small sad smile on his face. "I would never ask you to stop drinking, your drinking is not a problem. The problem is us, me."
"Why would you say that? There is nothing wrong with you, I'm the one who screwed up." Penny stared at him confused.
"Yes it is my problem, because I love you too much!" The way Leonard just blurted that out shocked Penny and she looked at him wide eyed. "Penny I love you so much more than you love me and it just is not working out between us."
"NO Leonard! I love you too, don't say that, I love you just as much as you love me." Penny responded back to him.
Leonard shook his head. "Penny, I would never sleep with one of your friends, never." Solitary tears were now running down each of Leonard's cheeks. He had hated he said that as soon as it left his mouth, but he knew he would have never got himself into a situation like Penny did, he would be too afraid he would screw something up and loose her. It was one of those things he couldn't understand, how she let herself get herself into a position to do that, it only confirmed to him they had different feelings on the relationship and had a whole different level of commitment.
Penny's plans to try and convince him to take her back, fell apart in that second, as she suddenly felt it hard to breathe. There was nothing for her to say, and it tore her heart out, knowing she had no argument that could deny that what he just said. She felt that she had just lost him and it was too much for her to bare as she came off her stool, to fall to her knees in front of him. Penny put her arms around his waist and her head in his lap, as she began to cry, mumbling between her sobs, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you." over and over.
Leonard looked down at her in shock, unable to move or to move her, and even without thinking his arm moved up to rub her back, his natural tendency to comfort her taking over on instinct. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he felt more tears fall down his cheeks, he had never seen Penny in so much grief and it tore him up inside to see her this way. However, as his grief tried to overwhelm him, his mind watched in a state of numbness, he felt so much compassion for her, but he knew this whole thing between them right now was only temporary, and it would not last, they had tried before and look what happened.
A few seconds went by and it gave Leonard time to get over the shock of what she just did, Leonard wouldn't have Penny beg in front of him for anything, so he took her shoulders in his hands and made her stand up. She offered no resistance as he made her come to her feet, until she fully stood and looked him directly in the eyes, the pain she was obviously in, tearing him apart. "Penny, I have to go. I need time to think. I can't be around you or Sheldon now, I just can't. I have to get by the feelings I am having right now, so I can think clearly again. Penny, I'm an emotional mess right now, can you understand, I need to go?"
Penny nodded, she was numb inside, she knew now she really lost him and it felt like she had just died inside. "Okay."
"It will give you time to think too, Penny. It is something we both need to do." Leonard looked at her as she nodded again, then said 'Okay.' again.
It was only a few minutes later, that Leonard walked her out to her car, they both never said a word the whole way. They gave each other a very quick hug, a friends hug, like they did when they first knew each other, then Penny got in the car to leave. "Are you okay to drive." Leonard was a little concerned.
Penny sighed, "I promise, I'm okay to drive." Penny then looked up at him, "Leonard stay safe over there, okay."
"I promise." he responded, then watched her start her car and drive off. He felt horrible, but he felt he did the right thing.
A/N: Penny didn't get to say what she wanted to say in the coffee shop, because Leonard caught her off guard by asking her what she would do, so I thought show Penny would try again to talk to him again and that is why I wrote this chapter that way.