"Blood on the Leaves" by Kanye West

XII. White Tiger of the West

Far-off sounds of bombs and warships pulled me out of my sleep. Panicking from people outside my hospital room grew louder. I heard some of them saying Luxerion had attacked Bodhum. Others fretted over PSICOM's scientists taking too long to activate our crystal barrier, wondering if something had happened to the team. Closer warmth of Fang's breathing next to my ear helped to block everything else out. Feeling her with me helped the storm from earlier to subside so much smoother. As those stormy tides passed, returning my health to me, I sensed a certain dissonance from her… Fang's tears had dried along the side of my face. She contained all of her emotions in the small space between us. I felt it all bursting, quietly, while Vanille softly spoke a prayer next to me. I could have sworn I'd heard it somewhere before…

"I close my eyes…tell us why must we suffer? Release your hands…for your will drags us under. My legs grow tired…tell us where must we wander? How can we carry on if redemption's beyond us?"

Serah spoke quietly a few paces away, "…he's not picking up, they said. What if something happened?"

"Damnit," cursed Snow, as but a whisper. "I feel like crap for ganging up on him earlier. Hope may have been a l'Cie like us, but he's just a scientist now. He won't be able to handle whatever's out there if it's serious. Should have waited for Light to wake up…"

Sazh grumbled. "Didn't really have a choice," he pointed out. "Luxerion's fleet is right on our doorstep, looking for Fang. If they can't find her, they'll tear the whole city down. We've gotta get that barrier up as soon as possible. Unless our Savior wakes up right about now, Hope and his team are all we've got. There's too many out there dying, burned and hanged to death. So much blood on the leaves…"

"Even if she does wake up soon," said Serah, "She needs her rest. I don't want her jumping into a fight if she can't stand up properly."

"You know Lightning," muttered Snow. "Once she learns what's going on, she'll charge right outside."

"Then I'll make her stay."

I had to wake up. A few more minutes I spent listening to everyone, listening to Fang trying to keep her composure; mustering the strength I had to get my limbs working again. I couldn't sit in bed with all of that happening outside. Listening to Vanille's prayer brought more life back to me, just as much as her words puzzled me. It all sounded like a contradiction of fate. It reminded me so much of our Focus from all those years ago. Against all odds, we had succeeded. I survived again today…and I'd experienced that fleeting moment, hanging on the edge, seeing life and death in its contradictory state:

"Thy Life is a riddle…to bear rapture and sorrow. To listen, to suffer, to entrust unto tomorrow. In one fleeting moment, from the Land doth life flow. Yet in one fleeting moment, for anew it doth grow. In the same fleeting moment, thou must live—die—and know…"

Fang shifted when she felt me stirring. "Light, are you awake?" she whispered. I opened my eyes, my face covered by the dark-soft shade of her hair. "I really need to tell you somethin'. If you can hear me…this is important. I didn't want you to—to die before I could tell you… You deserve my honesty." I stared at Vanille, feeling sheer foreboding rushing through me. She had her eyes closed, small fingers interlaced in prayer—still whispering. "Back when we were l'Cie…when I'd sleep next to you… I let my weakness take over. I… I made you have sex with me in your sleep…more than once—"

I bolted up in my bed. She flinched and stared at me in fear. I glared at her. Vespair hadn't given me a straight answer that morning in Nautilus. I should have known. I should have pressed her harder. I should have confronted Fang about this instead of being so damn passive. The others tried to ask me what was wrong, why I looked so pissed off… They had no idea. She had no idea. I didn't know if she'd done the worst. If she'd touched me, taken me without my permission; broken that illusion beyond my sleep, making all of this anger boil within me now.

"Sis…?" asked Serah, approaching us, one step at a time. "Are you okay?"

Violated. Wronged. Lied to. Led on. Defiled all in the name of her fucking sickness. I didn't ever want to be in that position, and she forced it on me. Forcing me to break the illusion that had kept me going for so long. If she'd only made me do what I saw in that dream, I could have forgiven that—maybe too easily. I didn't want to ask if that was all it had been. I wouldn't have believed her.

I hissed at her with all of my anger, low enough that only she could hear, "Fuck you, Fang."

She stood and backed up, startled. I got out of bed as if I'd never been in it in the first place. I hurried out of the room, past Snow, Sazh, Vanille and Serah bombarding me with questions. By crystal, I changed into my Equilibrium garb as I went out into the broken late afternoon sun from the solar eclipse. I heard all of them following me. I ran faster to the fray in the distance, drawing my Masamune. PSICOM's soldiers barely held off the Secutors in the hospital's parking lot. The glimmer of my long blade in the light and the rage in my eyes alerted the enemy to me right away. I cut them down. I cut every one of Luxerion's forces that were in my way. I had to get to the train station. I had to get to the Ruins of Eden past Euride.

I had to get the hell away from Fang and her so-called weakness. She'd nearly caught up to me. Luxerion was only slowing me down. Sazh and the others pushed through instead, fighting the battles I left behind. I trusted them to help with damage control while I was gone. I trusted—didn't trust—Fang to follow me all the way to the station. I ran faster through the bloody streets, invigorated by this second wind, by my second chance at life—finally knowing the truth to the question I'd been too afraid to ask.

My anger blasted higher when I realized her timing. I was on that precipice. If I could have stopped, hanging while free-flying in the air, on my way to falling in love with her, I would have. But I didn't stop. I kept going, falling as fast as I ran, and hearing the sounds of her sandals against the crimson asphalt and her sari blowing in the wind. Her running after me cemented it all. I couldn't run away from this. I couldn't escape the process. I wanted to. I wanted to make all of this stop, to tell Noel to take Fang away from me and not care; but I couldn't do it. I had no power. Last night flooded back to me—the way I felt.

And the way I felt now. How ironic that her badly-timed honesty pushed me here. Could there have been a better time? I doubted it… Fang had finally told me the truth about that unspoken thing between us. The one thing that had hung from her sealed lips, just in my reach, yet so far out because of her insistence. For as much as this pissed me off, scared me, enraged me—I respected her, loved her for being straight-up with me.

I loved her. I finally fell in love with Fang from her honesty, from the risk she took. All I wanted was the truth, deep down, no matter how terrible it was.

Right now, I wanted to rip my heart out and leave it behind. Right now…I couldn't face that.

The train station was packed with people trying to flee the city. There was no getting in through the line. I kept my momentum and ran around the building, up to the top of the top of the glass tunnel above the trains. The announcements said that all outbound trains were due north for Euride. I could run the rest of the way from there. I broke through the glass and landed on top of the next train pulling out of the station. With all of the commotion going on, no one seemed to notice. I kept my footing while the train took off, eyes fixed ahead to the energy plant in the far distance.

Fang landed in front of me. "Lightning, I'm sorry!" she said, bowing to me. "I'm sorry… I was weak. I was stupid. I shouldn't have done that to you. I should have asked—or said something instead of cowering behind my logic. I just—I feel like you're gonna leave me over this, and…" She trembled, holding something back in her throat. She looked so pale, like she wanted to throw up. "…please don't."

I had nothing to say. Nothing I could say. Overhead, the Guardian Corps' airships pushed Luxerion's fleets back. The train rushed past countless trees along the countryside between Bodhum and Euride. They were all filled with people hanging by nooses, swinging in the breeze. They'd all died for Fang. They'd died from my decision to not hand her over to Noel. And here I felt this anger, wishing I could go back in time and drop these emotions. I couldn't turn everything off and find my coldness anymore. I couldn't turn away from her and forget about what we had together. Not with her looking at me like this. Not with her kneeling down in front of me, groveling over the steel of the train—risking her balance to apologize to me like this.

Countless lives lost, all so that Fang and I could have this messed up romance. My anger mixed with a sudden fear: that I felt justified in my decisions. But she'd trampled over what little comfort I had with my body, my sexuality. How could I stand to live in this contradiction? I didn't get it at all…

Fang looked up at me. "Say somethin'!" she shouted. "Why won't you speak? Are you gonna toss me aside now? Do you want me to keep beggin' for your forgiveness? What do you want…?"

I knelt down, holding her clammy face in my gloved hand. The wind blowing through her dark hair burning red in the eclipse…she was so beautiful… "Did you touch me?" I asked.

"No," she breathed. The fear in her eyes—so palpable. "No, I would never—not without your permission—"

"—but you were sick enough to command me in my sleep. Why should I believe you?" She couldn't find the words to answer me. "Let me get this straight: back when we were in quarantine, and I made a move on you, you ran into the bathroom out of fear? Because you knew the truth would come out?"

"…yes."

"And this was why you were upset in the Sunleth Waterscape? You knew you'd have to confess at some point. You knew I'd be pissed off."

"You're exactly right," she replied, trembling again. "I asked you to wait until we were in love for anything more because… because I figured it wouldn't remind me of my guilt. If it was mutual—" She tried to backtrack, but it was too late. I remembered what she'd said while she pounded on the door to my hospital room. "I took advantage of how obedient you are to me. I manipulated you into not talkin' about it, all because I couldn't face this reaction from you. I keep gettin' this feeling that your sister knows somehow—that's why she hates me. I can't let you hate me, too."

This wasn't the time to implicate Vanille in all of this. That conversation I'd had with her was too fuzzy as it was. At the same time, Fang's sudden transparency unsettled me. How easy had it been for her to keep this from me? Why was it so easy now for her to tell me these things? To make things worse, this was just the start. The tip of the iceberg. She had more. There was always more with Fang. More fascinations, more reasons; more wants and needs that I couldn't possibly wrap my head around. Looking at her with my ire and seeing this vulnerability in her did help. I didn't want it to. I didn't want her to help at all. I wanted distance and silence between us to heal this festering wound in my chest. I wanted the easy way out. I wanted to forget her.

Before last night, maybe I could have had those things. Maybe I could have walked away without turning back. I held those words on the tip of my tongue—we're over—and I couldn't say them. I couldn't let her go. I couldn't push Fang away from me. Not with this pull I felt toward her. Not with how my heart ached from having watched her earlier in the hallway. Deep despair welled up in that wound inside of me at the thought. If she knew, it would only fuel her sickness that much more.

"You said this happened more than once," I recalled. "Was the first time before or after I told you I was gay?"

"…before," she muttered.

"That makes sense," I said, standing up. "I just wanted you to say it. I hadn't given you any indication." Again, Fang had nothing to say. "You don't know why I'm so pissed off. The thought of you touching me, of anyone touching me like that—"

"—Lightning, I didn't!" she argued. I glared at her, disbelieving. "Honest, I didn't. I swear to you…"

"You don't even know why that affects me so much," I went on. Fang shook her head, lowering it back to the steel beneath my feet. "It's too late now. You don't deserve to know." The strip mall streets of Euride were just up ahead. I walked around her. "Leave me alone."

Fang took deep breaths, struggling to stand up behind me. "I can't," she said quietly.

I raised my eyebrow, mostly out of surprise. "That's too bad."

"Lightning, I can't let you walk away from me," she declared. "I fucked up in the past, I know… I'm askin' you to not judge me from back then. I told you I was stupid. I shouldn't have done what I did. There were days when I thought I'd keel over from how much pain I was in… I thought I'd never be yours. There was somethin' you said to me one night, and I just…lost it…"

"What did I say?" I asked, scoffing.

"You said…if there was anything you could do for me, that I didn't have to ask. When you fell asleep, you kissed me back. You kissed me back, Lightning… You held me. You touched me. You made me react to you. I fell into you…I couldn't stop it. I wasn't thinkin' anymore."

"That's taking a lot of liberties with my words, Fang."

"I know," she said, pained. "I know I messed up with you. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Just—don't leave me, babe. Don't crush what we have. I'll make this right…"

The train came to a stop. "That's rich—giving me more orders," I answered, jumping off to the platform.

There was enough confusion here to slip past the ticket machines unnoticed again. Fang managed to follow me through the crowd. I shouldn't have let my resentment color my words with her, but I couldn't help it. Apparently, Fang didn't care, since she still followed after me. I didn't want this to devolve into some kind of abusive relationship. I didn't want to forgive her right away, only for things to turn into a constant string of getting back at each other for something else, and something else, and something else after that. She couldn't make anything right if I wasn't willing to go along with it. The sad part was that my heart had already decided for me. My head didn't agree… For once in my life, that didn't matter—my heart would take precedence in the end. That alone scared me into not turning to look back at her. Even though it warmed me, hearing her walk behind me through the deserted streets of Euride, I couldn't be at peace with this. Not any time soon.

I noticed a huge mob overcrowding a supermarket not too far away. It looked like they were in the process of looting the store, running away with groceries, with fruits and cans spilling from their arms. People in the street fought over goods that had run out of stock inside. They pummeled each other, ripping away baby food of all things, just to survive. The Ruins of Eden were just past the gate not too far away. More and more people filled the street in front of me, crowding thickly, endlessly, like this was the only place they could stock up on food. I couldn't leave these people like this.

I went over to the store's entrance. Before I could say anything, one of them noticed who I was. The man fumbled the box of diapers in his arms, kneeling to the street, bowing to me. I read his lips as he said my title to his wife next to him. She got down alongside him. Just like a domino effect, the mob of hundreds ceased and followed suit. Some of them muttered Fang's title—my Pulsian Queen—and mine together, as if in a trance. She stood behind me, watching everything in awe.

Then, up above, the roar of a massive tiger sounded. Cocoon's crystal barrier washed over the sky as a mix of black and white paint, shaped in the pattern of a white tiger, Byakko—our patron deity. As the paint arched across the solar eclipse, dozens of Luxerion's airships exploded in decorated brush strokes. Scraps and debris rained from the skies. The tiger subsided, and Cocoon's barrier remained in its place. I thought that the citizens in front of me might have gotten up to celebrate. They didn't. They stayed right where they were as if nothing had happened at all.

Fang circled around me. She got back down on her knees, helming the numbers, the respect or the amazement. It hadn't affected me all that much on top of the train. There was something about her doing it now. Now, with the backdrop of hundreds, thousands, all kneeling behind her, filling an entire street for miles—with all of that behind her, supporting her or contrasting her. They bowed because they were in awe of me. She did it to apologize—sincerely. No pride…so unlike me.

.

Later that night, Jihl called me to attend a memorial service in Bodhum's central park. The Gestalt had put up a stage between the park's pathways lighted by candles. They'd kept my near-death under wraps, somehow. At first, I thought it was a smart thing of them to do. As I watched the PSICOM and Guardian Corps cadets setting up the stage, I started to re-think that. The whole mood from the PSICOM side of things seemed agitated. As if something else had happened that I didn't know about. Even Jihl had been different than usual—less formal and more concerned for me. She didn't raise my suspicions, but everyone else did.

I hadn't spoken to Fang since we left Euride. I was surprised…she'd only called me once without leaving a voicemail. I didn't know why I expected her to blow up my phone. I did tell her to wait, and that I needed some time to think things over. Standing in the faint chill of the evening, I felt everything turning on its head. Like I'd made a fatal mistake in telling her to stay away from me. Fatal because I felt those tastes of death slipping down my throat. She'd crossed me, and I missed her anyway. I couldn't even hate it anymore. Looking around this park and not seeing her next to me put everything into perspective. Seeing all the couples taking their seats in the endless audience stretching down the park made it all worse.

Jihl found me next to the stage. "Savior," she said, smiling as usual. It seemed forced. "We'll be starting in a few moments. General Raines will say a few words, followed by Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch. I'm aware of your aversion to public speaking. We simply need you to stand on the stage with us, along with your comrades." She gestured to Snow, Sazh, Hope, Serah and Vanille opposite of us. Fang was there, too, with her hand on her hip, staring up at the trees, oddly standoffish. Hiding her emotions. "I've also put in the final word for PSICOM's charity ball at the Patron's palace in Yusnaan. It will be held the first Saturday of November. I will need you to speak to a few dignitaries there. If it's all right with you, I'd like to schedule a few meetings, for us to go over the standard etiquette with these types of events."

"Uh, sure," I said, distracted. Fang hadn't noticed me yet. "When do you want to meet?"

Jihl handed me a manila folder. "You'll find the times and dates all organized here," she replied.

I opened the folder. There was only one sheet of paper inside with Jihl's handwritten note: I have vital information for you. It will be delivered to you by a trusted source tonight after the service. Meet me back here at noon next Sunday so that we can discuss what you find. We're being watched.

"I trust that these fit around your busy schedule?" prompted Jihl, smiling again.

"These will work just fine," I said, closing the folder. I couldn't focus on what her note had said. I glanced across the stage and found Fang staring at me. Heat rose from my neck to my face, despite myself.

Jihl checked her watch. "We're due to begin in a moment," she announced. "When we take to the stage, be sure to stand close to Fang. Offer her your arm, share a brief kiss—the citizens need to see you together, now more than ever." I scowled and looked away. Of course, Jihl caught it. "Whatever your private disagreements, this is part of your contract, and your duty—not only to Cocoon, but to your partner. Or have you forgotten that section of the oath you swore?"

"It was kind of after the fact," I remembered.

She sighed in disapproval. "Recite one of the key lines about her."

"…I promised to uphold Fang's honor in the eyes of the world, and to protect her from any threat, internal or external."

Jihl adjusted her glasses, looking at me pointedly, as if to make a point—there was no getting out of this. Everyone in the audience had taken their seats. Then I noticed all the cameras. This was going to be on television and streamed on the internet, broadcasted to all of Cocoon, and probably Nova Chrysalia. Cid and Rosch took to the stage with their security detail. Fang and the others followed close behind. Jihl kept her hand along the rapier sheathed at her hip, leading the way up the steps. She'd instructed me to keep one of my swords sheathed in the same place instead of over my back, just for the memorial. I followed her lead, both in hand and in step, watching Fang watch me. She was behind and off to the side from Cid, who stood at the podium, greeting those in the audience and the ones watching from home.

I hoped that the focus wouldn't really be on Fang and me. I was pissed off and in love with her, on a raging rollercoaster of both, and Jihl wanted me to pretend that things were perfectly fine. In a way, it was simple. I could focus on the way the lights washed over Fang's skin, how they lit up her eyes. The heat between us didn't diminish when I neared her. I offered her my arm to hold; managed to kiss her neck; bit down on my lip to keep from reacting to her softness in my ear. She was demure for once as she leaned on me throughout the service, holding my arm in both of hers. I stared at the rosewood of the stage with her, wondering if our eyes were on the same strip of polish. It was such a small, silly thing to think about after everything.

And then it registered—all over again—how many lives I'd sacrificed, all to keep her here with me…

Cid's voice filtered through after a while, "…and for those who lost their lives today, let us remember them for how they lived—not how they died. Let us cling together as we set aside personal differences, uniting in remembrance…Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch would now like to offer a few more words for us all."

Rosch approached the podium, bowing his head as Cid stepped aside. "I had hoped…that Luxerion's first attack would be the last for a long while," he began, grave. "Though we managed to erect Cocoon's barrier, thwarting their attack, many of our friends, family and loved ones were lost on this day. As a head representative of PSICOM, of the Gestalt, it saddens me deeply to witness such loss here in our community…" He paused. His grief looked as real as it sounded. I didn't expect it at all—not from someone like him. Then again, I hardly knew the man. All I did know about him was that his one goal was to protect Cocoon and its citizens—no matter the cost. "Following General Raines' kind words, indeed, let us cling together and remain steadfast. This war is not yet won or lost on either front. So long as we stay one step ahead of the enemy, we will persevere."

When the service was over, Serah pulled me aside to talk. I explained to her that I needed some time alone. She was worried, of course—reminding me that I'd almost died earlier in the day, and that she wanted to look after me. I told her that the best way to do that was to give me space for the time being. No one else knew the real reason why I didn't want to be around anyone. As long as Fang chose to keep that to herself, no one would find out. Considering the circumstances, it would have made things more awkward than they had to be if people knew.

I promised my sister that I'd pay her a visit once I got over this. She seemed satisfied enough with that, and left with Vanille. Snow drove Fang back to the café before I had a chance to say anything to her. I felt like I'd missed out on something by not speaking to her, even though I'd already told her to leave me alone. Again, all these contradictions…I couldn't keep up with them.

I went for a walk through the park, hoping to clear my head. It wouldn't clear. Not in a few minutes. Not in a few hours. Not even in days or weeks—not unless I spoke to Fang again. Not unless I could find it in me to forgive her. Part of me already had. It was just that one complication… That one small thing from not knowing, not believing her. After the strange warning I'd had from Vespair, I'd already come to terms with Fang's unspoken power over me: the way she could command me to please her through my sleep, worshipping her as she needed. I liked that… I didn't mind it. It was the rest of the possibilities that I couldn't accept—if she'd really touched me in ways that I couldn't stand to think about. If she'd brought me back down to my anatomy that I'd been ignoring ever since puberty. If she'd put me in that place of vulnerability that I couldn't stand, without my knowledge, without my say…

With that thought, I heard something rustling in the trees above me. Glossy photograph papers floated down from the branches like falling leaves. Through the branches, I saw Vespair sitting upside-down there, smirking as usual. I didn't have to pick up the pictures to see exactly what they showed. I froze at the sight of the story there at my feet, with more added to it as pictures continued to float down to the darkened grass. Those leaves were covered in my figurative blood:

That blond guy that Serah had met at the beach was there in the photographs. He wore a PSICOM military uniform, saluting to Rosch. Like a storyboard, I saw them both in an adjacent picture—Rosch handing a vial of poison to him, his expression completely serious—and Serah's friend, accepting the vial, eyes widened; nervous, uncertain, implicated; guilty of an attempt on my life, by orders from one of the heads of the government.