"Sunset Prism" from Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

XIII. Androgynous Anxiety

I spent the whole weekend in bed, doing absolutely nothing. Thinking, feeling—both at the same time, with neither one taking over the other. Everything was so different now. I didn't just feel for Fang when I woke up in the morning. The feeling was constant throughout my days and nights—loud and never-ending. I couldn't recover without her, but at the same time, I knew I needed this time to myself. If I went back to her as if nothing had happened, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. Fang needed to know that this was serious for me…and I needed to prepare myself to explain why: why it was that I couldn't handle the possibility of her touching me, consensual or not; awake or not; whether she'd done it or not. I stared at my phone, as if waiting for Fang to call me. To keep apologizing. To tell me how much she missed me. She never did. She gave me my space like I'd asked her to. Time to myself ended up leaving a void. Time without her drained me, made me hate myself for falling into this place I couldn't leave. I couldn't turn off my feelings and be okay again just like that. Not like before. Never again—not with the woman I loved.

It was Monday morning already. I'd promised Mog that I would go see about the Secutors sneaking around his village. I couldn't let him down just because I was in an off-mood.

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror. I'd stared up at the ceiling of my shower out of habit. Looking down without my clothes on was impossible for me. I couldn't stand to look at myself without at least my sleeveless tank and boxer briefs on, like I had on now. All white, bleeding the color of my skin from the water dripping from my hair. I wrapped my arms over my chest, holding my neck. Even though Fang had never said it out loud, I knew the way she desired me. She enjoyed switching things up. Every now and then, she wanted me the way I preferred to have her. Ever since the memorial, I couldn't stop thinking about it—even more so than Rosch wanting me dead. Whatever his plans were, I'd decided to put them out of my mind until I spoke to Jihl on Sunday. I trusted Jihl to make sure nothing happened to me in the meantime. It wasn't as if I was in the right mindset to focus on that, anyway.

After putting on that same white hooded jacket, and a pair of dark jeans with men's sneakers, I left my house, walking across town to Mog's village in the Jagd Forest. I wasn't really in the best mood to drive yet. I read over old text message conversations from Fang for the hour or so it took to get to the forest. Wearing the hood over my head kept people from recognizing me as the Savior. No matter how warm it was out here, I didn't want to risk the unwanted attention. It relaxed me to blend in with everyone outside. I didn't have to worry about guys looking at me like they thought they could have me. Women, either. No one could tell what I was—male or female, and I liked it that way. I've enjoyed it for as long as I could remember, since I was fifteen, when I'd killed who I was to become Lightning. That was when puberty had really started for me. That was when I'd learned the difference, socially, between genders, and when I'd told myself that none of it was fair. I'd spent too many nights crying myself to sleep out of frustration—that I had to deal with sexism no matter how far I looked away; that I couldn't have the freedom that men did to chase after any woman they wanted; that it was expected of me to act a certain way because of what I was born as…something I never asked for.

To make things worse, I always felt that these were things I had no control over. The powerlessness was what got to me the most. I had no desire to transition into a man. I still would have felt society's injustice regardless. Pretending to be neither gender was all I could do to leave those feelings behind.

Androgyny was as much of a crutch for me as it liberated me. It helped me deal with those other issues, but it brought up another set entirely: I'd shut myself off, sexually. Fang was the only person I wanted to open up for. Now more than ever, I wanted to go to her and set all of this aside. This illusion I'd built for myself that I wasn't a man or a woman…it couldn't go on. Not really. I caught myself thinking about her on top of me a few times. That building resistance blocked me off like it always did. Like my skin and my insides had both suddenly knotted up and turned to stone, and I couldn't function unless I shook those thoughts away. And yet I knew that I could make another exception for her…eventually. Thinking about that eventually for even a few seconds made me way too emotional. I couldn't face it any time soon.

When I made it to the Jagd Forest, I noticed all the dead Secutors everywhere. They must have died when Hope and his team had activated Cocoon's crystal barrier. Each time I passed one by, I knelt down to collect their dog tags. No matter what they'd been here for, their families deserved to know that they weren't going back home. I had a few dozen hanging from my arms once I reached the middle of the forest. I sat down on a tree stump, staring down at all the names.

"Lightning? Is that you, kupo?"

Mog found me. He seemed glad to see me at first. Then he realized how down I was. His bauble wilted as he sat down over my knee. He tried to find something to say for a minute. I appreciated that he cared. I didn't expect to have this kind of moment with him.

"What's the matter, kupo?" he asked. "Fang visited earlier today. She was sad, too, kupo…"

Hearing her name made my heart skip a beat. "It's…complicated, Mog," I explained.

"You both said the same thing, kupo," he replied. "The same way, too. You're sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm a good listener, kupo."

Telling him a few things wouldn't have been too bad. I didn't want to hurt Mog's feelings by pushing him away. "I've been avoiding everyone," I told him. "I said to them that I need some time to think things over. Something happened and I don't know how to deal with it."

"Is it from when you were in the hospital? I heard about the person who poisoned you, kupo…"

"That's part of it."

Mog nodded in understanding. "You should know that your friends miss you, kupo," he said. "We almost lost you! I think the others want to give you time. It's hard for them, kupo. Especially Fang…she was really upset earlier, kupo. When do you think you'll be ready to talk to everyone?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I know that they care. This is something I have to think about on my own…"

I heard heavy footsteps approaching us. Then Snow appeared in the clearing. He smiled and waved to us. When he looked at me, something in his eyes told me that he knew. Or that he at least knew why Fang and I weren't speaking.

"Hey you two," said Snow. "Am I interrupting? You both seem pretty serious."

Mog went back to his usual happy state. "No, kupo, we were just talking!" he replied. "Did you forget something earlier this morning?"

"Nah, a little chocobo told me Lightning was on her way here," answered Snow, grinning. "Figured I'd stop by and see if I could catch her before she left."

"You wanted to find me?" I asked.

"Yeah! You know, to talk…see how you're doing, since you won't answer my calls."

Again, something else I didn't expect. It was a nice surprise, really. "It's hard to explain," I said.

Snow rubbed the back of his head. "I figured you'd say that…"

Mog noticed the dog tags hanging from my arm. "What are those, kupo?" he asked. "Dog tags from the Secutors? You collected them?" I handed them to him to take a look at. He cast a spell to make them float with him. "We can get these to Luxerion, kupo. It's our own moogle delivery service! The others in the village shouldn't mind finding the rest. We're not in danger anymore, kupo. Thank you for coming to make sure!" Mog stopped just before he was about to leave. He hovered close to my head and hugged me as best as he could. I blinked away my emotions from the sudden gesture. "Feel better soon, kupo… Everything will be just fine!"

"Thanks, Mog," I said. He waved goodbye to Snow and me, then left to return to his village.

Snow sat down next to me on the tree stump. "That was really sweet of him," he commented. "Wish I could do that for you. You and I were never all that close, you know? What with you not approving of me for Serah, and everything else I did before. Despite all of that, something told me to find you."

"Why do you think that is?" I wondered.

"Well…I feel like you're still my sister," he mumbled. "It wasn't easy in the hospital the other day… I kept thinking about all those times I pissed you off before—wishing I could take all of that back. You mean a lot to me, Lightning. We're both orphans…I've always looked up to you in a way. If there's anything I can do for you, I'll do it."

"…I appreciate that, Snow. I just don't know what you or anyone could do in this situation."

Snow sighed, taking a minute to think. He hesitated before suggesting, "We could…talk about it."

The first thing that came to mind was that he couldn't possibly understand. Then again, Snow had been through a lot over the years. I didn't want to insult his intelligence by thinking that he couldn't relate to me at least a little. I knew I'd hurt his feelings, too, if I closed myself off from him.

"All right," I said. Snow beamed at me. "I get the feeling you already know most of it. Did Fang tell you?"

"Oh, yeah, kinda…" He stood up, pointing behind him. "Hey, how about we get outta here first? Lake Bresha isn't too far away. They turned the place into a harbor with a nice boardwalk and everything. We can talk on the way there."

I agreed to go with him. He drove us there in his car, explaining how it was he knew about this. Back on Gran Pulse, Snow had walked in on Fang and me during one of our episodes. I didn't remember, of course, because I'd been asleep at the time. It was in the Sulyya Springs, in one of the caves at the base of a waterfall. She'd hissed at him to get out and never tell anyone about what he saw.

"The next morning," he went on, "I was sort of oblivious, since Fang didn't really explain anything. So, you know, I kinda ribbed her, grinning and joking about it. Then she pulled me aside and told me the truth. I was speechless… I didn't understand. After she laid everything out, she made me swear again to not tell a soul. Ever since then, we've been pretty close. I haven't told anyone else other than you."

I stared out the window to the crystal dust glittering in the afternoon sun. "You knew all this time…?"

"Yeah, but, I made a promise," explained Snow. "Fang and I are true bros. I couldn't betray her trust."

"She's your bro?" I asked, baffled.

Snow laughed. "We've got our own little bromance going!" he said. I rolled my eyes. "No, seriously—I wanted to tell you… I'm sorry I couldn't. I figured it was one of those things that would come out on its own. It wasn't my place. Fang's been holding onto her guilt for centuries, Light…it wasn't easy for her to come clean. She did it because she respects you…"

I should have been livid with her. Instead, all I could do was look out to the crystal dust of the Ashensand Sea not too far away, wishing Fang was there with me. There were ships there along the harbor with no one on board. She would have wanted to hijack one of them to sail to Gran Pulse across the sea. If the government wouldn't let her fly, then she would have taken the next available avenue. I would have supported her, despite the possible consequences from getting caught. I would have done anything for her…

"And now it's too late," I whispered. Snow parked next to the ice-like boardwalk. He heard my emotions dripping down over the passenger's door. I didn't want him to see me like this. "Fang's timing was too perfect. If she'd told me any sooner, I would have left and never looked back. I would have taken my feelings for her and buried them away for good. But now…things have grown beyond what I'm used to. Finally having her honesty has opened these floodgates in me. I don't know what to do."

"Do you mean it's too late…as in you're in love with her?"

All I could do was nod my head. I couldn't say the words yet. Snow rubbed my shoulder for support. He had us go outside to sit on a nearby bench together. Only a few other people were out walking along the boardwalk that day. There was an ice cream stand not too far away. Snow bought me a cone of cookies and cream ice cream. It was my favorite. He must have asked Fang which flavor I preferred, because I couldn't remember ever telling him myself. We sat and talked for hours, watching the sunset's orange haze creep through the clouds. I managed to tell him enough about why Fang's actions bothered me. Even beyond my insecurities, there was always that questionable consent that I couldn't wrap my mind around. There was a part of me that enjoyed it, if only because it was with her and no one else.

While talking to Snow, I could finally admit that I liked the power that Fang had over me to make me do whatever she wanted. He really opened my eyes. This issue I had with not letting anyone touch me was deeply rooted in this androgynous illusion I'd built for myself. He helped me see why Fang was the one who I'd let tear down these barriers.

"I mean, I get it," said Snow. "You're the hardened soldier who won't let anyone dominate her. If you were straight, I couldn't picture you letting a guy anywhere near you. There's that stigma about the guy nailing the girl, and he's this awesome macho man, but the girl is supposed to be weak for giving it up to him… You don't want that—not even with another woman, right?"

"Pretty much… I wouldn't want to feel weak like that. Not for anything."

"There's another way to look at it," he offered. "From what you've told me, you like novelty. What's newer than being something you've never been before? You could easily be a switch like that."

I shook my head. "I'm not sure what you mean…"

Snow looked up to the sky, thinking. "Let's put it this way," he tried again. "In the BDSM scene, there's this concept called fear play. It's possible to get off to your own fears. When you trust the person you're with, they can take you to that edge and hold you there. Kind of like sleeping in the dark for the first time as a kid, and seeing for yourself that there's nothing to be afraid of… It's the same thing—facing your fears with the one you trust. It doesn't always have to be about sex."

Something inside of me clicked. I didn't know exactly what it was. It was still shadowed behind my inexperience. I could taste its form. I could smell it. I knew that—whatever it was—it was something that only Fang fueled in me.

"Does questionable consent fall under that?" I asked.

"It does for plenty of people, sure," answered Snow. "Rape play usually falls under fear play. Well—edge play, really, but that's a broader term for risky activities. There's a whole world of people out there in the shadows that push the limits of their desires. It's all about living, you know? After what you went through, I think it's something you should look into. Fang hasn't had any luck easing you into it."

"You said it's about trust?" I remembered. "Trusting the one you're with to push those limits and face your fears, no matter what they are?"

"If that's what you both agree on, yeah. It's whatever you two decide to make it. That's the only real rule. Is it something you're interested in?"

"Yeah, it is," I replied. "There's a lot that I've been running away from. I know Fang's into these things. I just need to learn more about them. I should do some research before I talk to her again."

Snow drove us back to Bodhum, telling me more about BDSM and what it stood for. It was a term I'd heard of before, but…I'd been so ignorant about it. I remembered one night, when Serah was fifteen, and she'd asked me about what it was. It had scared me to think of her getting involved with torture devices, whips and chains, or strange men with too many tattoos and blood fetishes. Those were the only things I'd associated BDSM with. The only part of the acronym I knew was bondage, and that alone had sent up red flags for me. I'd told her to stay away from all of those things, and to never do drugs, to not sneak into clubs behind my back, to avoid drinking until she was of legal age, to not stay out partying when she should have been studying, to not have sex before she was married… I'd made her afraid all of those things instead of instilling positive values in her. I'd preached for her to be a straightedge without any personality whatsoever, all to keep her safe. And now, here we were, centuries later, and I'd gone against nearly everything I'd told her. She must have thought I was a huge hypocrite. That was why she and I couldn't get along anymore. It was why she couldn't accept Fang in my life as my girlfriend. It would have been ten times worse if my sister knew why I'd shut myself off from everyone recently.

I really needed to talk to Serah about this soon.

When we made it back to the city that night, Snow took me to one of the sex shops near Imperial Beach. It was a run-down area, but the store itself wasn't all that bad. The windows were tinted and the walls were dark, as if to hide what the shop was from everyone walking by outside. There were hundreds of different toys and clothes all along the shelves and racks. Vibrators, anal beads, flavored condoms, swings, medical play sets, role-playing uniforms, lingerie, straitjackets, strap-ons, bits and gags, collars, monster dildos in dozens of colors…

Snow ribbed me. "You look like you know what all this stuff is already," he teased.

"There was this quest I had to do for someone in Yusnaan," I explained. "I couldn't save his soul until I helped him pick out the right toy for his wife. I actually had to go into one of these shops with him."

"What!?" blurted Snow. "No way!"

"How else would I know what these things are…?"

Snow pointed to the leather shoes on the nearest rack. "All right, then what are these?" he asked.

"They're fuck me boots," I answered.

Snow burst out laughing in surprise. After testing me on some of the toys, he guided me over to one of the magazine and video sections of the store. The sign hanging over the section read Bondage, Dominance/submission and Sadomasochism Only.

Right away there was a collection of videos that I was drawn to. The covers featured a woman with Fang's skin tone, the same texture to her dark hair, except with hazel eyes instead of green, with similar thick lashes. Snow showed me what the videos were about. On the back of the boxes, they gave brief, err, visual summaries, about the types of scenes in each one. This woman—her stage name was, funnily enough, Black Velvet—she was in each scene, some heterosexual, most lesbian, acting out different things like fear play and rape play that Snow had explained to me earlier. I didn't understand the point of most scenes in the brief previews. I knew that if I watched them enough times, I'd learn for myself.

I let Snow buy me the box set of Black Velvet's videos and some of her magazines. He also insisted on buying me a strap-on with an eight-inch dildo to start off with. I thanked him for all of his help once he dropped me off at home. He promised not to tell anyone about our conversations. I trusted that he wouldn't. I was really glad I decided to open up to him. He surprised me in such a nice way.

.

I spent the entire week holed up in my room, watching Black Velvet's videos. I watched several of them more than once. By Friday, I still hadn't gotten over the shock from seeing some of these scenes. Around five o'clock, I was in bed, staring wide-eyed at my television screen in morbid anticipation. Black Velvet was in her bedroom, wearing only an oversized T-shirt that came to her thighs. She flipped through the pages of a magazine, seemingly normal and innocent, idly touching herself. The camera shifted outside to where about a dozen men huddled around her front door, trying to decide if they should pick the lock or barge their way in. When one of them attempted to pick the lock, I gripped my bag of white fudge-covered pretzels. The pretzel missed my mouth when he got the door to open.

Black Velvet heard the creaking floorboards from down the hall. She panicked and looked around. By the time she opened the window, a few of the men rushed in her room, grabbing her around her waist. They slammed her down on the bed, unzipping their pants. She struggled against them and screamed for help. One of them shoved his dick down her throat to shut her up. Another ripped her shirt off to grope her breasts. Yet another forced her legs open to fuck her—and another got underneath her, keeping Black Velvet on top of him to fuck her ass.

Right when the camera zoomed in on the double penetration, my phone went off. I jumped a little, startled, looking over to see who it was. Serah. She had the absolute worst timing! I paused the video and turned off my TV, taking the call.

"What is it?" I said, irritated over the interruption.

It sounded like she had company. A lot of company. Considering what I'd just seen… "Hey, sis!" she slurred. Why was there so much noise…? "I've missed yooouuu… Come over to my place so we can talk, okay?! You've been on your own for too, too long! It's time for some sisterly bonding!"

"…Serah, are you drunk? It sounds like you're at a party."

She made an exaggerated gasp. "I am not!" she lied. Then I heard Vanille cheering in the background. "Just come over to my apartment! You have my address! It's 32C, remember? The same as my bra size."

My sister was officially out of it. "Right," I answered. "I'll be over there as soon as possible…"

"Oh, good! I love you, sis! See you in a bit!"

"I love you, too…"

After I hung up, I had to count backward from ten to calm down. Now that she was in college, she had every reason to rebel against what I'd preached to her before. I'd made the mistake of thinking she was above that. I changed my boxer briefs and turned my video player off before leaving. I'd gotten attached to this white jacket and decided to wear it again. The drive over to Serah's apartment only took about ten minutes. It was worse when I made it to her school. College kids were out and about, running around in the middle of the night. Some of them had no clothes on whatsoever, racing through the streets for the shock factor. Nearly every sorority and fraternity house I passed was lit up in a full party, with people walking in and out with kegs and packs of beer. I could almost smell the alcohol in the warm air through my car's ventilation system.

When I got to Serah's apartment, I saw her silver car parked in the front. I found a space for visitors not too far away and parked there. From the lobby alone, I heard constant thrumming from music blasting throughout the complex. While I waited for the elevator, I looked outside and saw people skinny dipping in the communal swimming pool. When the elevator doors opened, I recoiled back at the sight there. There was some college jock with his back to me, standing in the corner, taking a piss right there with his friends laughing at him. They all laughed harder when they saw me. I scoffed in sheer disgust when the stench floated outward.

I took the stairs two at a time up to the third floor instead. This was hardly an improvement. Red plastic cups were littered all over the ground. The smell of spilled beer overpowered me. I had to take care to not step on the puddles on every landing. I imagined myself going straight to the college's administration, demanding to know why they let their students run wild like this on the weekends. This was unreal to me.

Finally, I'd made it to the hallway where Serah's place was. Sure enough, there was a party going on in nearly every apartment I passed by. At least they had the decency to keep their doors closed. When I turned a corner, the voice I heard made me freeze in place.

"Turn that shit down, will you?! Some of us are tryin' to read over here!"

Fang slammed her fist against the neighbor's door. I stared at her in shock. What the hell was she doing here? How? Why? When the person turned their music down, Fang grumbled and came back down the hall. Then she noticed me standing near the door to Serah's apartment. She stopped for a bit, looking just as surprised as I was. In my mind, I tempted the possibility of pushing her back against the wall and kissing her. I couldn't do it. I wanted to…but there were so many things that I needed to know first. I walked over to her anyway, to at least let her know that I wasn't angry anymore, and that we could talk. I knew she would have spent hours standing there waiting for me to make a move first otherwise.

"What are you doing here…?" I asked. "This is my sister's apartment, isn't it?"

"Err, yeah, about that…" Fang let out the breath she'd been holding in. "Vanille worked her magic with your sister. Serah and I get along just fine now."

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion, asking, "What magic?"

Fang leaned against the wall, staring down at my sneakers. "Now's not really the time to explain all that," she muttered. I stood right in front of her, looking her over. Her skin was oddly pale. "Serah's not here. She and Vanille are at some frat party down the street. It's the house with the bright green flag on it. You can't miss it." Fang tried to walk around me, as if our conversation was over. I held her wrist. She stopped, but she still wouldn't look me in the eye. "I know you're not here to see me, Lightning. You were too surprised just now when you turned the corner. Besides, it's been a week since we spoke. You would've called or sent me a text by now if you were thinkin' of me."

"I said I needed time to myself," I reminded her.

"And I respect that…"

I pushed her up against the wall. She gasped; I brushed my lips along her jaw, tasting her fear from this distance. "That doesn't mean you haven't been on my mind," I whispered in her ear. I could smell the traces of tears that had dried along the edges of her hair. "I've wanted to feel you breathing against me like this. My logic is barely holding me back right now. You have no idea…"

Fang eased me away by my shoulders. "You're supposed to be pissed at me," she said quietly.

"I feel everything with you, Fang," I told her. That was as close as I could get to telling her that I loved her. She looked at me with the depth of her understanding. I wanted to explore that depth in her so badly. "Come with me. Help me find my sister. After that, you and I need to talk."

After she locked the door to Serah's apartment, we went downstairs and outside to the rest of the madness in the streets. Any other time, Fang would have been amused by everything going on. Instead, she was quiet as I held her hand, thinking. I rubbed my thumb over hers from time to time, reminding her that I was there; telling her without words that I'd missed her. She was right—I should have been pissed off at her. Snow had helped a lot with making me see why I wasn't angry with her. Before, I'd known that I hadn't reacted the way I normally would have. Without knowing the why behind it, I'd been completely lost. Learning my reasons had helped me come to terms with everything.

Unfortunately, that didn't make me any less angry with my sister. Serah had thrown all responsibility completely out the window for the sake of rebelling against me. I knew I wasn't one to talk, but Fang and I had never done anything like this before. When we got to the fraternity house, the entire downstairs floor was packed beyond reason. The house was dark save for the strobe lights flashing everywhere. Hip-hop music blasted through the speakers while people grinded against each other in the living room. Others were in the kitchen, chugging alcohol. The people in the dining room played beer pong, cheering as if it was a real sport.

I had Fang walk in front of me, holding her around her waist so we wouldn't get separated. In the hallways, we passed by people making out. Some of them had sex right there in the open. Fang didn't even chuckle at that. She really was upset…

"We'll leave as soon as we find my sister," I spoke to her. "I just want to make sure she's all right."

Fang nodded against me. Then she gestured with her head to the stairs nearby. I walked up the flight of stairs with her, surprised by the change in noise level. It was too quiet upstairs in comparison. When Fang made it to the top, she stopped all of a sudden. She paused, looking around the corner with wide eyes. Then she grabbed my hand, hurrying back down again.

"Hell, we've gotta go," she said in a rush, pulling me along.

"Wait a minute!" I told her, holding my ground. "What's going on? Why are we leaving?"

"Lightning, this ain't the time!" argued Fang. "We've gotta nope the fuck outta here right now! What's goin' on up there is not for your eyes! Now let's go!"

"I told you I'm not leaving until I find Serah!" I yelled. "Is she up there or not?!"

Fang sighed heavily. "Fine, go have a look," she conceded. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

When I made it to the topmost step, I leaned against the corner. I heard drunken giggling from my sister. She spoke with someone else in a quiet voice, sounding like such a different person… I peeked around and saw her in the dark hallway, barely standing against the wall not too far away. Vanille was there in front of her, holding her against the wall. I couldn't tell what their expressions were—not from looking at them. Listening to their conversation filled in the blanks.

Serah hooked her index finger along her lower lip, swaying a little. "I told you Shawn's just my friend," she said. "All I want from him is information… I'm tired of everyone thinking that he and I are dating. He seems too interested in my sister… I wanna protect her. Now more than ever after what happened… He might know more about Noel, too. You remember Noel and I were good friends. I can't believe how much he's changed…it hurts too much to think about it."

"And if he ever asks you to sleep with him for information," pressed Vanille, "Would you do it?"

"No! I don't want him like that. He looks too much like Snow… That's just wrong."

Vanille sighed. "Serah, I can't keep doing this," she whispered. "Snow's asking me too many questions. He thinks he's moved on from you already. Dodging his advances does nothing. He's convinced that he wants me. I don't know how to explain this to him…"

Serah wrapped her arms around Vanille's neck. "Then don't," she ordered. "Don't insist I want other guys when you know that isn't the truth. You know that I need you more than he does." She pulled Vanille closer to her. "You act so sweet and innocent in front of everyone else… Snow wants to be your Master. He thinks you want to suck his cock until you choke on command. But I know the truth about you…"

Their breaths stopped, lips locked. Vanille broke away suddenly. "Please, not here…"

"The out-of-control submission you make me feel every night is amazing," Serah went on. "You know just what to say to me. You know exactly where I want to be touched. I want it here. I want it now."

I turned to press my back against the wall, winded, like I'd gone down the hill on a rollercoaster. I couldn't breathe. Water streamed down from my eyes. My sister was my foil. My opposite. My shadow. She had no problems about being submissive like that, whereas I wanted to hit the ground running at the mere thought of acting the same. And Serah did these things…with Vanille? Vanille! Sweet, bubbly Vanille whom I never would have suspected of anything like this… There they were. Kissing down the hall, and borderline having sex with each other, like nearly everyone else at this party.

Fang waved her hand in front of my face. "Lightning…? Anyone home?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't…"

"You can't believe what you saw, right? What did I tell you?"

"Are you staying with them?" I asked. "You hear this going on every night?!"

Fang finally cracked a smile. "I kinda figured this was goin' on," she said. "When Vanille told me the place only had one bedroom, I knew right away. They're happy with this little arrangement they've got, so…there ain't much either of us could say about it."

"But my little sister—she's—what arrangement?"

"Your little sister's in college now, and she wants to experiment. You've set a nice example for her."

No. I couldn't accept this. Not…like this. Things refused to compute properly. I could hear her from down the hall. I had to leave. I had to go. I couldn't process this with so much going on all at once. Fang gently pulled me by my hand, reminding me that it was time to go. She supported me around my shoulders, helping me to walk down the stairs. We only made it halfway before I made us stop. There was a blond man at the bottom of the staircase. He stared up at me like a deer in headlights. I recognized him from the photographs Vespair had given me last week. It was Shawn—Serah's so-called friend who'd poisoned me. I was about to jump down and attack him, detain him, kill him—I didn't know, I only wanted to hurt him for what he'd done to me.

Shawn pulled out a handgun from his pocket. Fang had no idea that it was him. She jumped down the flight of steps, fully intent on protecting me. With trembling hands, Shawn held the gun to his temple and fired. The music stopped and people screamed in panic. Blood exploded out the other side of his skull, spattering over the nearest wall. He slumped to the ground, dead. Fang landed in the pool of his blood. Everyone else ran outside. I heard one of them screaming on the phone with the police.

Fang stared up at me in horror. She asked me with her eyes what this was all about. I couldn't even begin to explain it to her.