Note - I had to remove the scene here because I used it in one of my books. It was either that or I had to delete the whole story. This was the lesser of two evils.

XIV. Love Me Tender – Love me true

Beaming blue and red lights from the police cars and ambulance lit everyone along in the street. College students huddled together behind the police tape, trying to get a better look at the paramedics pulling Shawn's body into the ambulance. I stared at the stretcher carrying his body. He'd had his reasons for killing himself instead of waiting for that scene on the stairs to play out. I set all of that speculation to the back of my mind. Jihl would have more to tell me in a few days. I pulled my jacket tighter around me from the winds growing colder by the minute. The officer in front of me finished jotting down what I had to say about the incident. He seemed to believe already that Shawn's death was a suicide, both from my testimony and the evidence they'd collected from the scene. After he thanked me for my time, I stepped away, wondering if I did the right thing. The officer had asked me if I knew any reasons as to why Shawn had killed himself. I'd said that I didn't know him well enough to guess.

Off to the side, I saw Vanille holding my sister. Serah shook her head along the crook of Vanille's neck, mumbling about what had happened. I had more questions than comforts for Serah—it wasn't a good time for me to confront her. Not while she was upset. I walked farther down the street to where Fang was. She sat down along the curb, smoking a blunt of black velvet with shaking hands. I couldn't tell if it was her nerves or the cold making her shake so much. I took my jacket off and set it over her shoulders. I sat down behind her, holding her waist close to mine.

Fang calmed down right away. "I still can't believe that was him," she muttered. "I wasn't thinkin' at all. They'd have hauled me off to prison if I'd gotten my hands on him." I plucked the black velvet from her hand and smoked it. I held back a fit of coughs from how strong this was. "Easy there, Light. I found one of my catalysts next to the guy's dead body. If that ain't morbid irony, I don't know what is."

"How have you been doing, stuck in Bodhum like this?" I asked. "You haven't been out to find more catalysts for your crystals. Or do you find them just fine?"

"This is the first one I've found since we went out to dinner that night… I've had better days."

There was so much I wanted to tell her. Holding her like this helped me pull my thoughts together. I took one last moment to make sure this was the right thing. That I wasn't stupid for going back to her after everything. I knew that it was too late for me to leave. It scared me to think that I wouldn't move from this spot, even if she'd only fooled me into thinking she was a good person. Fang was more complicated than I could imagine. She had more to her—more sides that might have scared me again, worse, more. If I avoided all of that, then all I had to look forward to was a life of complacency. She would have always been in the back of my mind, taunting me for my cowardice…

I noticed one of the cops staring at us. "Let's get out of here," I said, helping Fang stand up. "The police don't know that this is a drug. I don't want to give them a reason to find out."

"Yeah, sorry," she replied. "I wasn't thinkin' straight again. Tonight's just not my night." We walked together back to Serah's apartment complex. "You still want us to talk? Or are you headin' back home?"

"Both," I answered. She frowned, not understanding. When we got to my car, I opened the passenger's side door for her. "Spend the night with me, Fang. We can talk on the way to my place. I know you haven't been able to relax here. It's too loud."

Fang stared at me in disbelief. "You're sure…?" she asked.

I held her hand, guiding her to sit—letting that speak for me. Once I closed her door and walked around to the other side, I looked over in Serah's general direction. I'd have to speak with her some other time. She deserved to know who her friend had really been and what he'd done to me. Later. For now, easing Fang's anxieties away was more important to me. During the drive back, I explained that I wasn't angry with her, and how Snow had helped me come to terms with everything. For the time being, I stayed away from the subject of my insecurities. I felt like she understood enough about that just from observing me over the years. She listened to me with such patience. I felt her troubles slipping away through her hand in mine. I sensed that some of them didn't leave her completely.

Maybe she thought she didn't deserve me after what she'd done. She wouldn't say the words.

"Since we're on the subject of honesty," I continued, "Is there anything else you need to tell me? Something you're keeping from me?"

"Nothing that I've done," she said. "That's a promise."

"Then what aren't you telling me?"

All the city lights reflected off of Fang's face, barely masking the darkness there. "After what I did, you trust me enough to have that kind of relationship," she spoke, like it was a bad thing. "I don't understand how you can do that. Your birthday's comin' up in a couple of weeks. I thought you were gonna spend it without me. Now you're tellin' me that you want me to stop holdin' back. You've got no idea what you've givin' me permission to do. If I let loose in a scene, you won't recognize me."

"If I do the same, you won't recognize me, either," I told her. "What matters most is that the trust is there. When things get out of hand, that's what the safe words are for: fuck off."

Fang laughed, haughty all of a sudden. "You don't know what you're in for," she murmured.

"Mock me all you want," I said. "I'm sure about this."

"It's not that I'm mockin' you…I just don't understand how you feel this way now. Now, of all times, after I thought I'd fucked up my chances with you."

"You were finally honest with me," I explained. "Every time we'd get into an argument about you keeping something from me, and you lied and said it had nothing to do with me, I knew better. I didn't have any proof. All I had to go by was my intuition. Now I know why I kept feeling that way. I want your honesty. I want it more than whatever sweet nothings you could whisper in my ear. More than anything. I mean that in every sense of the words."

"My honesty," she echoed, tasting the words. "You want it no matter what? Even if it might scare you?"

"Look at it this way," I suggested. "Everyone has something that might scare other people off. If I left every time I found that in someone, I'd only jump from relationship to relationship. I want your compassion as much as I want your darkness. It would be such a waste to only have one side of you. All that does is breed complacency. I want everything with you."

Fang knew that there was something else. "But why…?"

I stayed quiet about that. I knew exactly when and where I wanted to tell her. I didn't want it to be in my car while I couldn't even hold her. My silence unsettled her in such a sweet way. Fang didn't know where to stand with me yet, despite everything else I'd said. We said nothing for the rest of the drive. When we got to my house, I asked if she wanted anything to eat. She insisted that she'd had no appetite for days, and that most food would probably upset her stomach. I offered for her to take a bath while I tried to find something that she could eat. The police had let her clean Shawn's blood from her sari and sandals. It was everything else she needed to wash away—all the thoughts she'd had about me leaving. While she was in the bathroom adjacent to my bedroom, I opened my nightstand's topmost drawer. I looked down at the strap-on Snow had bought me last week. Faint light from the bathroom washed over me. I kept staring at the leather straps, thinking about Fang's body and how gorgeous she was. I wanted to know how far she'd let me go with her. I needed to see how much she would bend her spine for me. I imagined her crying out my name in pleasure, in apology. I felt my pulse pick up. I wrapped my hand around the base of the dildo, picturing Fang's hand there instead, pulling me inside of her. Whatever had hooked me to her was there, deep in her core. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to tear it apart and make it bleed if it refused to let me go. I knew that I could never kill it and be free from Fang's thrall. I didn't want to be.

Fang's essence was a train-wreck of burning emotions and restrained impulses. Physically strong, impossibly beautiful, fiercely passionate—barely holding everything back behind her control, slamming into it again and again, crashing, destroying and wrecking without penetrating enough to show anyone the whole truth. I loved being around her because I felt that energy brimming from her with such fullness, no matter how calm she seemed. I needed to show her that I longed to worship the wreckage in her soul. She wouldn't believe my words by themselves.

Eventually, I set it back the strap-on my drawer, changing out of my jeans and jacket. I hadn't let Fang see me in my sleeveless shirt and boxer briefs. If I'd only had on my briefs, then I had on a short-sleeved T-shirt, or regular shorts with the sleeveless top. It was time to break that habit, if only a little bit at a time. I lit some vanilla incense in my room and living room for irony's sake and to calm Fang's nerves. I set a few candles of the same scent along the dining room table, lighting them until the room glowed as softly as a rose. I looked in my freezer to make sure I had enough sherbet ice cream for Fang to eat. That was sure to not upset her stomach.

When I went back to my room, I stood by the bathroom door. It was barely ajar. I listened to Fang sigh heavily as she lay in the bathwater. I thought back to how unsettled she was in the car. I had no idea why that was so satisfying. Pushing her boundaries gave me the same high that her black velvet did.

I stepped into the bathroom. Fang didn't notice me at first. She lay on her side, facing away from me. I kept my steps light along the dark rugs. Her sari was folded neatly over the sink. All of her jewelry lay on top of the blue silk. She noticed that all of my soaps and shampoos were men's products. I saw her staring at the brands along the corner of the bath. Fang had already known that I wore cologne instead of perfume. This added a layer of understanding for her.

She spotted me standing right next to the bath.

Fang nearly jumped in surprise. "Fuck, you scared me!" she breathed, holding her hand over her heart. "Why didn't you say somethin'?" I stared at the lean bends of Fang's thighs through the suds of soap. She took a deep breath, uneasy again. "What is it…?"

I traced my sight to her breasts barely hidden by the layer of bubbling white. "Back when we were in the Sunleth Waterscape," I started, "You told me to watch Bane hunt. I understood the part about being patient and not scaring off your prey. Now that I think about it, there was more you wanted to teach me that day. I'm way more satisfied by your reactions to me when I catch you off guard. Did you want me to learn how to hunt you?"

"Yeah…I like the idea of you overpowerin' me," she said quietly. "After you wait, and observe, and take everything in, you'll know exactly what to do. Just like you did right now. You can do anything you want to me, Light…even if you scare me. I can't picture myself usin' our safe words with you."

"Are you only saying that out of guilt?" I asked, kneeling down next to her. Fang wrapped her arms around her chest, sucking in her breath. She shook her head no. "Before we started dating, I would have never imagined that I could scare you. But now…" I caressed her wet-hot neck, down to her shoulders, smiling over the shivers my touch stapled in her skin. "There's something I want to see in you. Not yet. Not while you're expecting it."

I dug my fingertips over her full breasts, down to her waist. Fang arched in my touch—toward me, away from me, and breathing out her moans. I leaned over the bath to kiss her jaw. Firm enough to give her a taste of my intentions. Fang's voice filled my ear. Her anticipation scarred her breathing against my face. I edged my lips closer to hers, closer, to make her breathe harder; to make her want it. I pulled at her hips, forcing her to turn her body over in the water. I gripped the roots of Fang's hair, holding her mouth right at the edge of breathing and drowning.

She tried to hold back the sounds of her fear. There was no point. I liked having her here.

"Be honest with me," I said in her ear. "You like having me do whatever you want, don't you?" I scratched down her back with my free hand. Fang writhed, whining, getting to me. She managed to nod her head for me. "But you know that there's a fine line between consent and non-consent. Whatever possessed you to cross it—that part of you has been hiding from me since then." She bent her legs and arched her back. I smacked her ass hard enough, fast enough to make her cries echo off the walls. "Stop holding it back from me. You don't have any excuses left! I came back to you even when you were positive I wasn't going to. Quit underestimating how much you mean to me."

Fang mumbled her promise that she would do as I said. I let go of her and went over to the counter. The clothes I'd given her were there next to her sari. I checked the T-shirt and shorts again to see how thin they were. I was satisfied enough with them. Fang stepped out of the bath, wrapping a towel around her body. I took her clothes out to my room and set them in the drawer I'd emptied out for her. Once she was dressed, Fang followed me to the dining room. I smiled at her surprise. She couldn't believe that I'd lit candles just for us to eat ice cream together. Even though she was happy, I saw the exhaustion behind her eyes. She must not have slept in days.

After we ate, I lay down on the living room couch with her. The TV was the only light in the room. I watched tigers hunting in the wild with no sound, holding Fang from behind as she slept. Before she'd fallen asleep, I'd whispered how much I'd missed her since last week. How infinitely beautiful she was. That I wasn't going anywhere. Anything I could say to relax her, I'd said it, hoping she would fall asleep within minutes. She had. I breathed in the brisk smell of my soap from her body. I kept my head above hers, breathing in the warmth of her hair, her scalp. Fang's breathing deepened within minutes. I looked up at the clock along the darkened wall—it was half-past eleven. A few hours. Just a few hours…