"Am I Free" by Wax Tailor

XV. Am I Free?

All those faceless people I'd imagined the other night appeared to me as I walked through the park: invisible in the brisk autumn winds, and fully submerged in the thin shadows all around me. All the people in Rosch's pocket who supported him, who wanted me dead—they were there, watching my every move. Wearing my white hood over my head helped to shield me from them. Being outside like this, while keeping this secret, exposed me too much. I hadn't told Fang that it was Rosch who hired that man to kill me. She thought the guy had just been an agent from Luxerion, and that was it. Not to mention she hadn't left me alone all day yesterday—pushing my limits the entire time, humiliating me in the walls of my own home like I was on display someplace else.

Every time I took a step, I imagined Fang behind me. Stalking me; noticing how vulnerable I was. I had to remember to steady my breathing in case anyone thought to stare at me. So far no one had recognized me as the Savior while I wore this. Most people seemed busy walking their dogs or talking to strangers about the warm October weather. I didn't want to give anyone a reason to look too closely at me.

I sat down on a bench, taking my phone out to look at the time. Just a few minutes until noon. Jihl said she would meet me then. I got a text from Fang. She was out with Serah and Vanille, trying to find a birthday present for me. My birthday wasn't for another two weeks. Fang had insisted that I was difficult to shop for, so she wanted to start looking ahead of time. I couldn't wrap my head around Fang and my sister hanging out together after all the drama that had happened at the hospital. It was one of those things I'd believe once I saw it for myself…

"Hey, sweet pea! We're at this lingerie store in the mall. I know you don't want nothing from here ;D I wonder if you're looking forward to popping my cherry on your birthday. I know I've been making you wait. Maybe I'll ride you while you do it."

Attached was a picture of her in a dressing room. She had her phone angled near her toned stomach, looking down. Fang had on a blue lace bra, lifted just enough to partially show her breasts. All of that coupled with the grin on her face heated my neck so badly.

Then I heard Jihl's amused voice, "Savior?"

Jihl stood in front of me, wearing a silk scarf over her head, and a pair of huge, glamorous sunglasses. The rest of her outfit made her look like some stuck-up movie star. She had a St. Bernard puppy napping in her arms. I guessed the idea was for no one to recognize either of us.

"Am I interrupting?" she asked, smiling. "You look preoccupied."

"Err, no, I was just…" There really was no way to explain this.

Jihl sat down on the other end of the bench. "Oh, I understand," she went on. "I'm glad to see you're doing well. Feel free to finish your conversation. I don't mind."

I sent a text back: "…you have the worst timing. Jihl's here now and she saw my reaction. You do look really hot here…and I am looking forward to it. It's going to be harder for me to focus on this meeting. I hope you're happy." I put my phone away, picturing Fang having a laugh over the whole thing.

Jihl stared off to the side, petting her puppy's head. "Mind your body language," she said. "Don't face me. Don't appear too invested in what I have to say. We are merely strangers having a passing conversation." She pulled out a newspaper clipping from her designer purse. "There was a terrible story in the news yesterday. A cadet stumbled upon classified recordings of Lieutenant-Colonel Rosch's dealings with your assassin. When he attempted to bring the matter to proper authorities, he was declared unpatriotic and sentenced to death. The media along with most of the government is only aware that the young man spoke out against his superior. They believe he was a terrorist."

"The cadet didn't go to you?" I asked.

"Unfortunately not," responded Jihl. "The young man went to one of many of Rosch's supporters. Ever since Luxerion's l'Cie bombed PSICOM's headquarters, they have since rallied in the shadows, hoping to solve the supposed threat you pose. Your assassin was among the lieutenant-colonel's ranks, albeit against his will."

"Was his name really Shawn? He went to my sister to get information out of her about me."

"No, Shawn was merely a code name," she replied. "Beyond that, our records have him listed as a regular John Doe. He was a refugee from Luxerion, seeking asylum after being discharged from the Secutors. He didn't support Knight-Commander Noel Kreiss' crusade against you. Rosch threatened to have his family killed if he didn't provide key information about getting in and out of the city. That eventually spiraled into an attempt on your life. Had you apprehended him and allowed the police to interrogate him, he would have compromised his mission. For him, suicide was the lesser of two evils."

"So what you're telling me is that a whole branch of PSICOM is corrupt," I summarized. "And they all want me dead for keeping Fang here instead of handing her over to Luxerion. They know I'm the only thing standing in their way. If they went against my will, I'd obviously be a threat to them."

Jihl handed me her puppy to hold. "The corruption is relative," she said. I smiled when the puppy sniffed my jacket, then curled up to go back to sleep. "So far, they are unaware of my true stance on the matter. In their eyes, they only want the war to end by any means necessary. You swore an oath to protect Cocoon as well as your partner, per your duties as our Savior. They are content to brute-force their way through the latter in favor of peace."

"Yeah, but what about the message that sends?" I asked. "If we give into Luxerion, the rest of the world will know that they can bully us. If we get invaded, they'll know that all they have to do is bargain with us and they can have whatever they want."

"My thoughts exactly," agreed Jihl. "The uncharted nation to the north is not as deserted as we believed. Their movements around Cocoon and Nova Chrysalia suggest some manner of mistrust and hostility. Chrysalis is not the ideal world people expected."

"What do you plan on doing about Rosch and his supporters? You can't act directly. They'll know you're against them, and then you'll be in danger."

"That is true. Indirect action is all we can rely on. Despite the staggering amount of evidence I have of Rosch's failed assassination plans, a trial would not go in our favor. The majority of the Gestalt's supreme jurors are also in line with the lieutenant-colonel. Impartiality is all but dead. With that said, I do have orders for you. And if those fail, we can easily orchestrate a contingency plan."

"I'll do whatever it takes to keep Fang safe," I promised. "What do you have in mind?"

"PSICOM's charity ball is the key," said Jihl. "The money will be going directly to our financial division. I plan to overrule the reconstruction plans for our headquarters. The funds will instead go to part of our contingency plan. It is far easier to collect more ammunition against Rosch aboard the Guardian Corps' Lindblum. He isn't at all familiar with the blind spots in the security aboard the airship." She pulled out a set of photographs from her purse. They showed the interior of Snow's palace in Yusnaan. "Rosch plans to take matters in his own hands with a sniper rifle. He will find a remote balcony with a clear vantage point of the ballroom floor. After the first half of the ball, he will take aim and fire."

"Do you want him to shoot me…?"

"No, Savior. I plan on catching him in the act just before he shoots. He tends to become enraged when confronted. I will record his confession and take him to trial. My lawyers will need to work around the clock to make sure that the confession will be admissible in the courtroom. I have also hired a trusted individual to take care of our supreme juror problem."

I had to look away to avoid appearing too invested in where this had gone. "You mean Vespair, don't you?" I asked.

"Indeed. She will deliver these photographs to you, along with other key information at a later date."

"Vespair's the one who turned Fang in," I argued. "And she convinced Noel that Fang's the reason why Yeul is sick! How can you trust her like this? She's all over the place."

"I am the one who ordered Vespair to call Rosch and give him the evidence," she revealed.

I tensed up, holding my rage in. I spoke through my clenched jaw, "Why would you do that?"

"Let's just say that the lieutenant-colonel has a history of corruption," said Jihl. "Both he and Primarch Dysley were accountable for ordering the Purge on Bodhum. I've known Rosch since we were in military school together. I knew what Vespair's call would do to him. The difference this time is that you and I are in complete control of the situation."

Where had I heard that before? "Control…? Control as in me getting poisoned and nearly dying?"

"A little chocobo may have suggested poison to Rosch in light of Vespair biting you in Elysium. You already had a natural antidote in your system."

"You're using me to clean up the government? Is that what you're doing?"

Jihl gave me a pointed look from behind her sunglasses. "You're working with me to protect Cocoon and your partner," she answered. "By any means necessary." All of this was so underhanded. Then again, I understood why it was necessary… I just wished Jihl had been clearer about the risks when I'd sworn that oath. "Now, will you consent to your orders for the ball? All I need you to do is stay quiet on the matter. The Patron is the only other individual with whom you can discuss this with."

"I feel like I don't have a choice anyway," I said. "I'll do it. What is this backup plan?"

"It will involve you taking a small team into Luxerion," she replied. "The trains running between Luxerion and Yusnaan have very specific security systems. You must be in possession of a Nova Chrysalian I.D. card in order to travel safely aboard the train. Fake I.D. and non-I.D. holders set off the system's alarm. The Secutors aboard the train will then exterminate the offenders. The Patron will issue you and your team suitable I.D.s to take the train from Yusnaan to Luxerion after the ball."

"What do you want us to do there? Are we assassinating Noel to end the war?"

"That is a last resort," said Jihl. "I will have more specific orders for you depending on the outcome of the ball. For now, you should know that your time there will largely be a diversionary tactic. Rosch's supporters behaved carelessly the last time you left the city. I expect they will do the same again. I will use that time to collect more evidence for the trial."

We sat in silence for a while. I stared down at the puppy in my arms. Before all of this started, I thought I might have finally gotten a break from fighting and sneaking around. So much chaos…never-ending.

"You should go," suggested Jihl. "I'll leave once you walk away." I gave her puppy back. Right as I stood up, Jihl had one last thing to say: "And…I apologize for not being clear about the stakes, and for putting your life in danger. My actions caused your friends and loved ones undue grief. I'm not proud of it. I understand if you find it difficult to trust me completely."

"It's not that," I said. "I feel like I have no freedom. You tell me to put myself in the line of fire for the one I love, and you know I'm going to do it. I'm realizing how intelligent and calculating you are, too. How can I know you won't ever turn on me?"

Jihl sat stone still for a moment before answering, "I am indebted to you, Savior. Before you saved our souls, I was damned to a life of chaos in the Coliseum for an arbiter of time. All he had to do was summon me, and I appeared there against my will, ordered to fight opponents for no reasons of my own. Without you, I would still be there, fighting pointless battles. This is a strange way to prove my loyalty to you. I promise that I will be more transparent from here on out if it will help you."

"That's really all I can ask for," I replied. "As long as you never order me to put Fang in direct danger for a mission, I'll follow you."

"Vespair would never allow it. You don't have to worry about that. Now go before someone notices us."

.

About a week and a half later, it was only a few days before my birthday. I sat up in bed while Fang took a nap next to me. I had my tablet in my lap, reading the news about more oblivious military cadets and officers executed for supposed terrorism. I kept reading these stories to justify to myself that this mission in Yusnaan would be worth it.

This was the last night I'd be in Bodhum for a while. The next day, Fang and I were going to fly out with the others to Yusnaan for three weeks. Serah would only stay the weekend for my birthday before flying back for college classes. She promised she'd be back in Yusnaan for the charity ball at Snow's palace. After that, I had no idea how long we'd be in Luxerion for. Fang, Serah and Vanille made up my small team for the mission. Serah couldn't sleep most nights from wondering why Noel had changed so much. They did used to be best friends along with Mog. She needed to see him for herself to come to terms with everything. Vanille and Fang knew the layout of the city well after living there together for over ten years. We all had to wear disguises to go along with our I.D. cards. Snow had said he had it all taken care of. He'd tell us more after my birthday. I didn't like the risk of taking Fang with us, considering Noel wanted her kidnapped or dead. If we stayed in Luxerion for weeks or even months, I would have stressed out too badly from not knowing if she was safe here at home.

Since I didn't know when we'd be back, I'd told Fang that she should spend some time with her bandits. They weren't coming with us to Yusnaan. It made sense for them to go out for the night. I should have been asleep with her. We had to wake up at stupid o'clock the next morning to catch our flight at the airport. Sazh had vowed to make sure security in the airport and on our private plane was top-notch—no bombs, and no terrorists who wanted me dead. I still couldn't make my mind stay at ease to rest. I hadn't told Fang about my mission for the ball. My guilt ate away at me. If Jihl failed, and something happened to me, I knew Fang would have gone on a rampage. At the same time, if she knew ahead of time, she would have gone on a rampage anyway and killed Rosch before he could set foot in Yusnaan.

There was a chance I could have reasoned with Fang instead. I didn't want to risk it. She was so much happier with me these days. I didn't want to worry her…

I leaned down to kiss Fang's neck. "It's seven already," I whispered. "Time to wake up."

Fang rolled over. "No it's not," she mumbled. "Time to keep sleepin'."

I set my tablet aside, holding Fang from behind instead. "I thought you were excited to hang out with your gang," I said in her ear. "They'll be disappointed if you don't go with them. I don't know when we'll make it back to Bodhum."

"Yeah but if I stay here, we can have sex," she answered. "We can't do that if I go out." That was true. Her phone rang over the nightstand. Fang groaned and picked it up. "Don't get started… No, I'm perfectly awake! I'm gettin' dressed right now… Yeah, yeah—just get here on time, dickhead." She hung up, finally getting out of bed. "Damnit. Why did I let you talk me into this? Better yet, why aren't you comin' with me? You came out with us last time. We all had a blast, didn't we?"

"You spent the whole time trying to get me to dance," I reminded her. "Clubbing isn't my thing. I have some paperwork to look over tonight anyway."

Fang went over to the dresser, searching through her drawers. "You're turnin' twenty-three the day after tomorrow, and you wanna spend the night lookin' over papers?!" she said. "I swear you're such a stick in the mud sometimes."

"Pretty sure I'm a few centuries older than that…"

"Yeah and I'm five centuries older than you, but I don't count that kinda time. It would get too weird if I did. The age difference between us is real."

"Is Vanille going with you?" I asked.

Fang fumbled her clothes. "Uh, n-no," she stammered. "I'm gonna meet up with her later…" I raised my eyebrow. She saw me through the mirror. "Okay, look, maybe I don't really want you to go with me. I just said that so you'd think I did. I've got some business to handle with Vanille after I leave the club."

Some business definitely didn't sound like any of my business. "That's fine," I replied, going back to my tablet.

"…you're not gonna ask what it is?"

I kept my eyes to the news. "You have a life outside of me," I reminded her. "I'm not saying that to be passive-aggressive. I don't want you to feel guilty for making plans with others, especially Vanille."

"Nah, I know, it's just…" Fang waved her hand, leaving to the bathroom. "Never mind. Thanks for understanding, babe! This is why I love you."

"Love you too, Fang."

I smiled to myself. I knew she was up to something. I figured it was best to not put her on the spot about it. After she showered and got dressed, a few of her bandits dropped by to pick her up. I stayed in the living room after seeing her off, still reading about all of the so-called terrorists. I was so engrossed in the news that I skipped dinner. All I had were some white fudge-covered pretzels. I noticed I had a weakness for them. I'd even hidden them in a secret place in the kitchen so Fang wouldn't find them. She loved salty food. Mixing salty pretzels with white chocolate would have been overkill for her. I went through a few opinion pieces of journalists who suspected the Gestalt was up to no good. Too many up-and-coming military cadets had been permanently silenced in recent weeks. I had a feeling Jihl let it go on to collect more ammunition against Rosch and his supporters, and to not blow her cover. I couldn't imagine going back to the military with all of this going on.

At around eleven, I set my tablet aside, tired of reading. Vespair told me she would stop by tonight to give me that paperwork Jihl had mentioned before. If she wasn't here by now, she must have flaked on me. Then I noticed Fang's keys still hanging by the door. She'd forgotten them. I picked them up, thinking to call or text her and see if she knew.

Behind her PSICOM I.D. card, there was a key I didn't recognize. There was a small label on it: S/V. I knew right away that it was the key to Serah's apartment. Most of her things were over there since she wasn't allowed to go back to the Ragnarok yet. Fang still technically lived with Vanille and Serah. Any time I brought up her moving here, she dodged the subject. It must have had something to do with her business with Vanille after the club. I could have easily gone to find out what it was myself. It was either that or I stayed here watching BDSM porn. I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking it over. I had no idea what to expect in my sister's apartment. If I knocked, they would have stopped whatever they were doing, and I wouldn't have any answers. If I used the key, I'd find out for myself. I'd just told Fang hours ago that it was none of my business. And yet now I couldn't fight this strange pull to find out what it was.

I put on my white hooded jacket and drove to my sister's place. I'd gotten attached to this thing. If I wore black, I would have felt too much like a creep. It didn't help that I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd seen during that frat party. Serah enjoyed all the things that I couldn't bear when it came to sex. I didn't understand how she did it. And with Vanille…? How did that work? How did it start? Why? Was my sister gay or was she only experimenting? Why did Vanille go along with it? Did Snow know that it had been Vanille cockblocking him all this time?

My curiosity had gotten the best of me. I couldn't be ashamed of it. Not now. Not while I parked down the street from Serah's apartment to avoid her noticing my car. The houses and apartments on her block were much calmer on the weeknight. I pulled my hood over my head and made my way to the apartment building. Serah's car was parked out front. I trusted that she was actually at home this time.

As I made my way up to her landing, I felt nerves deep in my chest. It was worse once I rounded the corner to her door. The hallway was quiet. I kept my footsteps just as silent, focused on getting answers. I knew that this was wrong. I knew that my sister would flip out if she found me. I could have just picked up the phone and asked Serah these things. That wouldn't have done anything. She and I never talked about this subject. She would have left things out to be diplomatic.

I set all of that in the back of my mind once I got to her door. I pressed my ear to the surface, listening. It didn't sound like anyone was in the living room. I unlocked the door and went inside. If Serah caught me, I'd just say I was worried about her, and that her door had already been unlocked. No one was downstairs. I heard voices coming from upstairs. Serah giggled and said something to someone. Then I heard Vanille reply in a much lower pitch.

Quietly, I made my way up the dark staircase, getting close enough to the bedroom to peek inside. Serah was on the bed, wearing nothing, holding Vanille on top of her. From the straps around Vanille's waist, I knew what she had on between her legs. I stopped breathing. My eyes streamed with water.

"Vanille, come on!" said Serah, laughing. "You're such a tease. We've done this before, haven't we?"

Vanille hung her head. "Yes, but something in the house doesn't feel right…"

Serah wrapped her arms around Vanille's neck. "I think you're just saying that," she murmured. "Kiss me first. Everywhere. I like when you act like you love me. You're the only one who's ever done it right."

Vanille did as she was told. I saw smoke hovering over their bodies. It smelled just like Fang's black velvet. Were they smoking it before I got here? I had no idea. Serah sounded and reacted every way that Fang wanted me to, naturally, in that same position. I didn't know how she did it so easily. I didn't know how she let Vanille fuck her that hard without breaking a sweat. My sister had never had the same issues as I did. She'd had no reason to. I could barely think about that—not while I watched this. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I should have. I should have left. I shouldn't have been there. Watching her didn't give me any answers. It only brought up more questions.

Why did I have to make it so difficult for myself to do the same? Things would have been so much easier in my relationship if I could have been like my sister. The thought of letting Fang get on top of me again…it felt like raking my fingernails over a chalkboard. Past all of that discomfort, I knew I enjoyed it. And once it was over, I felt like my world had ended a little bit at a time.

Once Serah and Vanille finished, it looked like they wanted to keep going. I finally breathed and thought about leaving.

Then I heard Fang's voice, "You know, Serah, you look a lot like your sister does when I fuck her." More smoke billowed through the room. I froze, mortified. "This was a damn good idea." I looked through the small crack between the door. Fang was there, sitting on the bed, outside of my view. "It's so crazy the way she turns into a different person. She'll get scared and run off every time. I get a real kick out of it."

"It really doesn't bother you?" asked Serah, stroking Vanille's back. "I know you said you're happy with the way things turned out. I can't imagine her being this way. She was such a tomboy when she was younger. I'm still amazed that she trusts you this much."

"It's all good," replied Fang. "Lightning's got a bunch of different sides to her. I know she's got issues. I'm not gonna let those stand in my way. When I want her, I take her. Simple as that."

I felt heat rising to my face. Not out of embarrassment—out of anger. Fang talked about me with this superior tone, like she had a chip on her shoulder. It was the same way I didn't want someone talking about me. Back when I figured out I was gay, I listened to the way guys would talk about the girls they'd had. It was exactly like this. I'd made the decision that I never would have been able to stand anyone doing the same to me.

Serah giggled. "No wonder she loves you," she said. "You have enough confidence to do that. She'd never admit it, but I think she needs that. If you were too delicate, I doubt you'd challenge her at all."

"Well, the only thing is we haven't used a strap yet. I can't wait to pin her down with it. Light's too uptight sometimes, you know? I bet it wouldn't be so bad if she had some dick in her life. Especially from me."

I couldn't take it anymore. I hurried back down the stairs, all too impatient to get away from this. I was so pissed off that I didn't pay enough attention to my footing. I almost fell. The noise gave me away. I heard Fang wonder out loud about an intruder. I ran out of the apartment and over to the stairwell. Fang was after me. I didn't think she knew it was me. She didn't yell my name.

When I made it out to the lobby, I realized how much trouble I was in. The streets were empty. If I ran outside, Fang would have spotted me easily. Even though I was mad at her, I didn't want her to catch me. That would have started an awkward conversation that I didn't want to handle. I saw a janitor taking his supplies into the nearest custodial closet. I rammed into him and forced the guy inside with me. This closet reeked of bleach and thick plastic trash bags. I shut the door just in time. I heard Fang yelling at the pervert to stop and show themselves.

The janitor struggled against me, protesting, "H-Hey, lady—!"

"Be quiet!" I hissed.

I waited for Fang to rush through the lobby. I watched her through the curtain over the door's window. She opened the front doors and stopped there. No one was outside. Fang growled and slammed the doors shut. Then she trudged back upstairs, muttering under her breath about perverts and thieves. Once she was a safe distance away, I left the closet and told the janitor not to go running his mouth. He promised me that he wouldn't, looking confused all the same. A promise from a stranger was really all I could hope for at a time like this. I made my way back to my car, looking over my shoulder the whole way. During the drive back home, I didn't know if I could stay angry or not. If Fang noticed, she would have asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't have had a reason to give her. Talking about what happened was out of the question. I was never doing that or anything like it again.

.

When I got home, it was too dark. I'd forgotten to leave a few lights on before I left earlier. When I was about to turn on the living room lamp, I heard voices coming from the kitchen. My nerves crept up again. I thought this was some kind of messed up karma for what I'd just done. There was no way Fang could have gotten here before me. She didn't even have her keys. I got a text from her just now saying she planned on spending the night at Serah's place. It wasn't her. Who the hell was in here…?

I turned on my kitchen light. I found Lumina lounging over my countertop, flipping through my porn magazines and giggling at the images there. Vespair stood nearby, looking through the magazines with her. That wasn't the worst part. They both ate my white fudge-covered pretzels right out of the bag, like this was their house!

"Hey!" I yelled. "What the hell are you two doing?! Those are my magazines!"

Lumina laughed. "Yeah, I know!" she said. "You hid them really well, too! It took me forever to find them." She held up one of the magazines. "This girl's breasts are huge! Her nipple clamps are like giant cranes! Are you into that?!"

I snatched the magazine away. "No, I'm not! This doesn't belong to you!" Vespair stared at me, still eating my pretzels. "I know you know how much I like those. Did you purposely take them out of my hiding spot so you two could eat them? Don't you know that that's the only snack I can have to myself once Fang's gone?" Vespair kept munching away, staring at me like I hadn't said anything all that important. I tried to grab the bag; she wouldn't let me. "What is wrong with you? Stop eating them!"

Vespair ate another pretzel. I groaned at her, ready to strangle her neck. She offered me the bag, as if I'd feel better with one or two pretzels. I finally took the whole thing from her and put it away. I made Lumina put all of my magazines back exactly where she'd found them.

"What's the big idea?" I asked. "Why were you in here in the dark? Why are you here at all?"

"Us demons can see in the dark," said Vespair. "Didn't I tell you I'd drop by? You weren't here, so I waited."

"Yes, but you didn't say what time," I pointed out.

Vespair shrugged. "I got caught up with some other things," she replied. "I left the folder in your room. It's a bunch of photographs of Snow's palace. All the juicy security bits you need to know are there too. You should be honored to know that I'll be your bodyguard that night."

I rolled my eyes. "Will you take a bullet for me if Rosch shoots?"

"You know I will!" rallied Vespair. "So yeah—turns out I've been workin' with Jihl this whole time. I explained the situation to her and she understands. The l'Cie Luxerion sent to bomb PSICOM's headquarters was all part of the plan. When she called you after the fact, she had to play dumb. All her phone conversations are recorded. There's no way around it. Rosch don't know the layout of the Lindblum all that well. Easy pickin' for eavesdroppin' on his little circlejerks with his friends. Beyond that, I swear I've got no influence over what Luxerion does. Noel's off his damn rocker."

"Wait, what situation? What did you tell Jihl to make her agree to all of this?"

"It's not really what I said…it's just that she's got her goals—takin' Rosch down—and I've got mine. We plan a few things together and we're both happy."

"Vespair," I said, firm. "You're not answering my question. Stop talking in circles."

Vespair looked at me over. "I'll tell you some of it," she allowed. "It's real simple. Chaos is what Fang thrives on. Keep enough of that in the world, and she stays on the high she's been on." I stared at her in disbelief. "Yeah, that's right. You know it's true. Her spirit's chock-full of chaos, remember? When she's happy with you, and there's a bunch of shit goin' on in the world, it gets her goin'. She's unstoppable. Fang can't have one or the other, though. It's gotta be both."

"Then what the hell am I fighting for?! I'm trying to keep her safe! If all of this mess in the world is what she needs to be happy, then…I feel like there's no point."

"Lightning, don't say that," said Vespair. "There is a point. Keepin' her safe is the goal. But you've gotta understand that you need to keep doin' it. Whenever she needs a hit, I start some shit from the shadows, and she's peachy again. I get to have my fun, and she keeps her spirits up! It's great, ain't it?"

"…no, it isn't. It really isn't. It sounds never-ending."

"Well, yeah! That's the idea. We've all gotta keep the cycle goin'. 'Cause unless she does this shit herself, there's no other way to make this happen."

And then I remembered what Vespair really was. "All of these things you're doing…inciting anarchy and war… Fang wants to do all of it herself, deep down. The only thing that's stopping her are her morals. If I told her about Rosch, she'd want to kill everyone in the government for my sake. Her conscience wouldn't be able to hold her back…"

"Yep. You hit the nail on the head. Now you see why I'm all over the place."

Endless conflict in the world kept Fang happy. The thicker this web of scandal and betrayal grew, the happier Fang was. All this time, I'd been trying to put an end to it all. I used to imagine a day when I didn't have to worry about someone killing me, or taking her away from me. If I wanted to keep my love in good spirits, I also had to accept that I was both Jihl's and Vespair's puppet. Whatever they told me to do, I had to do it for Fang's sake—constantly, over and over again, without any hope of it ending someday. What if this kept going on for so long that I couldn't take it anymore? What if I failed out of weakness, out of hopelessness? I'd already tried and failed to protect Etro during a battle that had lasted centuries. I felt like I'd only do the same for Fang, because I was human and I had my limits…

I didn't care if Vespair stayed in my house. I went to bed, too exhausted to think anymore. Maybe when I woke up, I'd find out that these revelations had all been a terrible nightmare.