Chapter 12 - No Secrets

Leonard laid in bed, he had been there a couple of hours now, just trying to sleep, to shut his mind down, but unable to because of thinking about the email Howard had sent him. The last few weeks he had talked himself into moving on with his and Penny's relationship, his love for Penny too strong to let a mistake destroy it, because she loved him too. However, the baby was something he never could have imagined, it would be a constant reminder of what happened and he didn't think he was strong enough to ignore it. Also, the thought of raising the child of the man she slept with while engaged to him was too much for even Leonard to accept.

It was all too much for Leonard to put his mind around, he felt just as devastated as he had weeks ago, it felt almost like a rerun of everything that had happened before. But there was still a part of his mind that looked at the whole thing dispassionately, a part that had gone through this all before and now was insensitive to the pain. That part of his brain was telling him to stop being so pathetic, he knew what to do and he just needed to do it and move on. Leonard was beginning to hate that part of his brain and hate himself.

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Bernadette started to walk around the couch to where Penny could see her, "Penny what are you looking at?"

Penny didn't even realize Bernadette was there until she spoke and she turned quickly to her, an expression on her face, like a child caught at something. However she quickly lost that expression and sunk back to the woman Bernadette brought home, her face becoming passive and sad again. "I can't have Sheldon's baby."

Bernadette sighed, "What does that mean?"

Penny looked back down at the screen again, then after a moment turned the screen towards Bernadette so she could see. Then Penny looked at her not saying a thing, as Bernadette looked closer at the screen, already knowing what she was going to see. "Penny, are you really thinking about an abortion?"

Penny looked down, "I can't have Sheldon's Baby." She then put her hand on her flat stomach, "It is the wrong baby, it was always suppose to be Leonard's baby."

Bernadette decided to ask her something she had been thinking about last night before she went to bed, "Are you sure Penny? Are you sure it's Sheldon's?"

Penny looked back up at her friend, as she concentrated on Bernadette's words, a slight glimmer of hope passing through her mind. However, she then remembered the ejaculation on her crotch and legs that morning, and the shame she felt as she tried to scrub it off. She slowly nodded to Bernadette, "Sheldon came all over me, I didn't see a condom anywhere. You also heard Amy, she never mentioned any protection in her recollection either."

Bernadette nodded, "When was the last time you had sex with Leonard?"

Penny thought for a second, "Three days before, but I know what you are thinking, Leonard and I used condoms, like we have done for two years now."

"Still condoms aren't a 100 percent foolproof and if you were pregnant already, Sheldon could have had sex with you all night and you still wouldn't be carrying his baby." Bernadette countered.

"I know what you are trying to do, but I had protected sex with Leonard for two years and no baby, then I had unprotected sex with Sheldon and now six weeks later I'm pregnant. I'm not stupid Bernadette, the Baby is most likely Sheldon's." Penny was now a little upset at this conversation.

"But you are not a 100 percent sure. Penny what if the baby is Leonard's and you abort it, how will you feel then?" Bernadette knew she was being cruel, but she felt she had no other choice.

Tears started to fall down Penny's face again, and her voice cracked as she responded, "Your not being fair, you are suppose to be my friend, why are you doing this to me?"

Bernadette felt bad, but she had to push Penny farther, "I am just asking you a question you will ask yourself later if you abort the baby. You will ask yourself if it could have possibly been Leonard's." Bernadette watched as Penny now sniffed hard, it was almost a silent sob, and she hated that she had to tell her more. "Penny what would you tell Leonard. Could you really get back with him, marry him and keep this a secret from him. Would that be fair to him when you started your life with him and what do you think you would say if he asked you about if you were sure the baby was Sheldon's?"

Penny started crying now, "I hate you, I hate you." She was still saying those words when Bernadette sat down on the couch next to her and pulled her into a hug so she could cry on Bernadette's shoulder.

They just sat there for over a half hour before, before Penny finally stopped her crying and seemed to settle some, though still sniffling every so often. Bernadette had never seen Penny so emotional, but she knew a woman's hormones were all over the place when pregnant and Penny was probably suffering an emotion overload right now. "Penny I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be right if you didn't think about all the factors concerning this pregnancy."

Penny slowly lifted herself off Bernadette's shoulder and looked at her through red bloodshot eyes. "What am I going to do? Tell Leonard that I'm having a baby, and there is a slim chance it is his, but more chance it's Sheldon's? Ask him to be with me until it is born and we can perform paternity tests?" She was about to cry again.

Bernadette slowly nodded, "You probably need to let Sheldon know too."

"But what about Amy, this will devastate her." Penny exclaimed, she was having trouble holding it all together, again.

"Sheldon needs to know if he is going to be a father. Amy will find out soon anyway, Sheldon will tell her." Bernadette explained.

Penny nodded submissively, she had lost her fight, she felt completely drained unable to argue with Bernadette anymore. "I'll tell Leonard and Amy." she surrendered.

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Leonard looked at the clock, there was a 8 hour time difference between Cambridge and Pasadena, so it was about noon there, and he thought Penny should be up now. He had to ask her, it still seemed too surreal to him, so unless she confirmed it, there would always be something deep in his mind that refused to believe it, unless she said it was true. Leonard sighed, he both wanted to talk to her about it and at the same time hoped she would tell him it was a falsehood, because he knew it would be the end if it was all true, they would be over.

Leonard also knew he couldn't lay there anymore without knowing the truth from her, it was like after that night, she had to tell him what happened, he had to know the truth from her. So he had to talk to her now otherwise he would think about it constantly until he talked to her and he couldn't go back to Pasadena without knowing the truth. So Leonard got up and walked over to his living room, his laptop was still on the table and it was on, therefore he just sent Penny a Skype request.

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Penny was still thinking about Bernadette's words, but had no idea how she was going to implement Bernadette's advice, so when the laptop beeped with the Skype request, it surprised her. However that surprise quickly turned to shock when saw who the Skype request was from. "Oh my God." she whispered.

Bernadette looked at Penny, she swore her friend had turned white and her eyes were practically bulging out while she looked at her laptop screen, "Penny what is wrong?"

Penny just turned to Bernadette, shock written all over her face. "It's Leonard."

Bernadette gave her a weak sympathetic smile, "It might be easier if you told him now."

Penny started to believe that Bernadette really did hate her, but again she didn't have the emotional strength to resist. "Okay." Penny then hit the accept on her laptop and it wasn't long before she was looking at Leonard's face.

"Hi Penny." Leonard quietly said, then went silent as he looked at her, trying to see something that would answer the question he called to ask.

Penny was at a loss for words and she had really hoped he would have said more, anything so she wouldn't have to speak. The guilt was building in her every second she looked at him and she felt if she didn't say something soon she would burst, "I'm so sorry Leonard."

Leonard's eyes went wide, those four words confirmed his fear, but he still knew he had to ask. "So it is true…..you are pregnant with Sheldon's baby?"

Penny just nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks, a muffled 'Yes' leaving her lips. Then the two of them just stared at each other, neither of them speaking.

Bernadette, who was just sitting out of view of Leonard, wanted to scream, if ever any two people belonged together it was Leonard and Penny, even now you could see they loved each other. They both were hurt and Bernadette knew, if it was possible for them to be together, they would be both hugging each other right now. The problem was this whole mistake was destroying them both and she didn't know if they could even recover from it, but she was going to try and help them never the less.

Bernadette moved closer to Penny so Leonard could see her and when she saw his eyes turn to her she spoke. "Leonard we don't know who the baby's father is actually, we just know for sure that Penny is pregnant."

Leonard gave Bernadette a confused look, "I don't understand, I thought you all said it was Sheldon's?"

Here is goes, Bernadette thought, "That is just an assumption based on the current facts. Sheldon had relations with Penny last so he is the likely candidate, however, Penny told me you two made love only three days before, so there is still a probably that the baby is yours."

Leonard's eyes got wider. "Mine?" he whispered. Leonard's mind then started to reconstruct the events of the last 6 weeks and it was then the slight hope that began to grow in him, dissolved. "Bernadette, when Penny and I had sex we used a condom, I don't think Penny and Sheldon did." The memory of his naked fiancée, the night light illuminating her crotch area, and the male seed on it, haunted his mind again.

Penny's sniffle made both Leonard and Bernadette look back at her, "I told her that Leonard. I'm sorry."

Bernadette was not going to let them take the simple way out, if they were going to break up it would have to be done after they had real good time to consider it, not a sudden thing like was occurring now. "Leonard you are a scientist, act like one. You know that condoms are not perfect and there is still a chance of pregnancy. Knowing the two of you, I even bet that you even made love more than once, making the odds of pregnancy even higher. Also, if Penny was pregnant already, with your child, she could have had drunken sex with Sheldon all night and he still couldn't have gotten her pregnant because she would be already pregnant with your child." She stopped to look at him, hoping her word choice made an impression on him. "Am I right Leonard?"

Leonard nodded, "You're right." Penny's eyes got a little wider at Leonard's agreeing with Bernadette and she tried hard to understand what to do about what was happening right that moment.

"Well?" Bernadette looked at Leonard then Penny.

Leonard's eyes followed Bernadette's to Penny, and it felt like a huge fist was crushing his heart, he honestly didn't know what to do. "I…I have to think about this. It is just so much…" he softly said.

Penny would do anything to keep him, "I'm sorry to do this to you Leonard. To do this to everyone." She looked down at her hands, trying to compose herself, she knew crying now would not help things at all. So Penny pulled up all the strength she had left inside, then looked up back at him. "This has been a lot for me too, so I was thinking maybe about going home for the holidays to my family and thinking too." She wanted to give him a out, right now, and she didn't want him to make a decision yet till he thought about it.

Leonard couldn't be with her right now, he didn't know what to say and had to think things through again like before, "Penny about my trip…."

Penny didn't let him finish, "I think it is best that you should hold off on coming Leonard, like I said I need to go home for the holidays to see my family. I hope you don't mind but I want to be with them right now, okay." Penny could see the relief wash over him and she knew she said the right thing.

Leonard nodded, "I understand."

Penny continued, "If you want we can talk after the holidays."

Leonard nodded again, "Yeah, that probably would be better."

"Good." they stared at each other for a few seconds, and Penny knew she needed to end their session because she was about to cry again, just looking at him, "Leonard I'm a little tired, you know pregnant woman thing, so if you don't mind I'm going to hang up."

"No, of course, please get your rest." Leonard then nodded to her, "Good-bye Penny,"

Penny nodded back, "Good-bye Leonard." she then ended the link barely before the words escaped her mouth, "I love you."

Penny actually did feel tired, she was emotionally drained and just wanted to lay down, so she got up and headed to her bedroom. Bernadette was worried about her again, "Penny where are you going…are you alright?"

"I'm really tired…..I just want to lay down for a while." Penny then went to her bedroom, getting into the bed immediately and grabbing a pillow to bury her face in. She was pregnant and alone, she never felt so alone before, it was just too much for her, the tears quickly forming in her eyes. The only thing she wanted was to be held by Leonard and for him to tell her everything was going to be okay, but she knew that wasn't going to happen and it was tearing her up inside.

Bernadette got up and went after Penny stopping at her bedroom door when she heard the muffled sobs. So Bernadette quietly looked into the room to see her friend's back to her, her body lightly jerking from her sobs as he lay in the fetal position her face buried into her pillow. It was too much for Bernadette to see her good friends in so much pain, when they were so much in love, however, Bernadette really didn't know what to do. She never felt so helpless, so she just went back to the couch and buried her face in her hands to weep too.

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It had all happened so suddenly, Meryl felt confused, but here she was again driving Penny home from the airport, her daughter again sitting quietly in the car looking out the window. Meryl had a million questions, the first two being why the sudden trip and where was Leonard, both which kept nagging at her mind. However, just like last time Meryl knew not to push Penny, she would tell them when the time was right, even though Meryl knew this time things were worse than they were before.

The next couple of days at Penny's family home were filled with tension, Penny hardly leaving her room and hardly socializing with anyone, was driving her parents crazy. Christmas even made things worse, since everyone came to Meryl's for Thanksgiving, everyone was going to her sister's for Christmas, except for Penny. Penny's refusal to leave the house seemed to turn the holiday dark, making Meryl and Wyatt try to make it through the day with false smiles on their faces while deep down inside they worried about their daughter. Even that night when they got home there was no relief as they found Penny sound asleep in her room that night, Meryl so desperately wanting to talk to her but letting her get the sleep she so badly needed.

So it was the next morning, after Christmas that Meryl couldn't stand it any longer and knocked on her daughter's door when she heard her moving inside. She didn't wait to be invited in as she opened the door, peaking in and asking. "Can I come in."

Penny stood for a minute, then sighed, she was about as ready as she could be and it was really about time she said something. "Yeah Mom, come in."

Meryl watched Penny sit down on her bed and lean her back against the headboard, it was a position she would get in when she was ready to talk and Meryl was happy she wasn't going to have to try and force something out of her. "Sweetie, what is wrong?"

Penny had been crying off and on since her Skype with Leonard so she was actually happy that she felt all cried out. "Mom, I'm pregnant."

Meryl blinked, it didn't even dawn on her that the child could not be Leonard's, ever since her daughter and Leonard got engaged Meryl's mind had associated them with her grandchildren. "Is that why Leonard isn't here?"

Penny nodded. "It was too much for him, I can't blame him. I really think he was going to forgive me before, but me having his best friend's child, was just too much."

Meryl's jaw dropped as Penny's words sunk in. "The baby is not his?"

Penny shook her head, she really didn't know, and she knew the chances were slim, but then again, this was her mother. "Mom, I have been thinking a lot about this….and…." Penny just looked at her hands, trying to compose her words properly.

Meryl saw how much difficulty Penny was having, "Honey have you decided what you want to do about this? Have you thought about if you want to keep it or not."

Penny thought she had been all done with crying but still a couple tears ran down her cheeks. "I thought a lot about it. Mom, there is a very slight chance it is Leonard's, very slight, but still a chance."

"Honey, then why is Leonard here?" Meryl responded.

"Mom, because everyone, even Leonard, knows the better chance is that it is Sheldon's, something short of almost a miracle would have to happen for it to be Leonard's." Penny explained.

"Oh." Meryl didn't know what else to say.

Penny now decided to tell her everything, she had to tell someone and her mom at least would try to help her. "Mom, I thought about an abortion, but what if it was Leonard's, I'd die, I would just die." Penny wiped her eyes.

"Honey, you don't have to know, unless you do a test, you would never know." Meryl tried to explain.

Penny nodded, "I thought about that, but I would always wonder then. I don't know if I could live like that. I also know Leonard, he would wonder too and I can't do that to him."

Meryl nodded, "But then what Honey?"

"I've decided to have the baby. Also, I don't plan on ever finding out who the father is." Penny looked at her mother, waiting for her response on the bombshell she just released.

Meryl was stunned, "I don't understand, you don't want to know the father?"

Penny shook her head, she had been thinking about this a lot, "I don't know how to explain this, but I want the baby to be Leonard's, and as long as none of us knows, it could be his. I know it is crazy, it sounds like I just want to have Leonard's babies no matter how it happens, but it is just that this happened and I need to adjust to it. This makes me the most comfortable, I feel it would better if we live our lives with not knowing who the father is and I live knowing there is a slight chance of the possibly that the father is Leonard."

"Honey that does sound a little crazy." Meryl was honest with her.

Penny actually smiled a little, "From my point of view, it makes sense. Basically if Sheldon doesn't know for certain, he won't try to be a father, it will also not make him obligated to me. I don't want that."

Meryl nodded then asked, "What about Leonard."

Penny's smile dropped, "I'm not sure, but since the chances are low it is his, he might just assume it's Sheldon's and move on." Actually saying Leonard may move on made it real to Penny and again the tears dropped down her cheeks, she hated how being pregnant made her so emotional.

"Why wouldn't they both try to claim to be father?" Meryl had to ask her.

"I can't see Sheldon doing that, he is the kind of person who needs proof, real proof, that is just the way he is, he needs the logic and always analyzes things in his mind. Leonard….I don't know, he thinks from his heart….." Penny got quiet a second, before she looked back at her mom, "I'm just hoping the low probability of it being his will have some impact on his decisions."

"Honey, did you think that maybe when the child grows up, it might look like one of them, especially if it is a boy?" Meryl asked.

Penny nodded, "I know that could happen, I just believe that I will love him or her so much then that it won't matter, if that happens." Penny answered.

"So where does that put you Honey?" Meryl asked in concern.

"Well…I've decided to have the baby and I guess raise him or her on my own. I have a good job right now, and if the show goes on, I will have plenty of money to hire a fulltime nanny and so I can easily take care of a child. If the show busts….." Penny looked down again.

"You can come home, and we will help you, Sweetie. I'd love to have my grandchild close." Meryl told her with a small smile.

Penny looked up and gave her a small smile back, "Thanks Mom."