Chapter 13 - Never Ending Pain

Penny came home that Sunday evening from Nebraska, a couple of days with her parents had helped, but not as much as before, the holidays without Leonard now seemed not to be the same anymore. She had always loved Christmas but this Christmas she had just felt so empty and alone, no matter who was around her. Consequently she came home, to rest and try to get her head together, for the next two weeks before she went to work again, and more importantly, because she knew she had to tell Amy and Sheldon soon before they found out from someone else.

That night back turned out the same as many nights before for her, she seemed unable to not sleep the night through anymore, her sleeping becoming more like cat naps all night long and not especially restful. The awake times were the worse, her room dark and quiet, seemed to taunt her how alone she really was and many times since that fateful night, she would pull the covers around her and whimper from how horribly alone she felt. She would lay there and remember things, like the day she moved in, she immediately had friends across the hall she could go to anytime she desired, loosing that security now weighted heavy on her, especially now because she loved one of them and needed him more than ever.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWRONG BABYxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next day she finally woke and got out of bed around noon, since she had been able to sleep again after the loneliness of the night was driven out of her bedroom by the daylight. She needed to do something so she got on her jogging clothes, since at least she could still run and do something constructive, according to the Google pregnancy sites. Like so many days before it hit her hard when she opened her door just to see the door to 4A facing her, but it seemed to hurt even more that she couldn't go there anymore, and he wasn't even there anyway. It made her hurry down the stairs to the nearby park and begin a casual jog, to clear her mind, not pushing herself because of the baby. She followed her usual routine, getting a bear claw again as she made her way back to her apartment, the exertion, though not as great as before, having a way of dulling her thoughts to her life now. She forced herself not to look at the other door as she reached the fourth floor, but the ever present desire to go over there and see him still haunted her. It also turned out to overwhelm her, as she closed the door to her quiet apartment, and it made her go back to her bed, laying down to cry all over again about what she had lost.

As she laid there, she thought again about how they had quickly become her friends, when she moved there, and after that first day she was really never alone again, it was something she now knew she had taken for granted. It had been so easy for her to fall in love with Leonard, he was her best friend, her confident, adviser and eventually the man she needed in her life. However, she seemed to always drive him away, not only hurting him again but now Sheldon too, and she was just now accepting things would never be the same, it weighted heavy on her soul. She also, asked herself why did it continue to hurt with such intensity, she had thought she lost love before, but was this how it felt to be truly in love and that thought only made her cry harder.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWRONG BABYxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That evening Amy and Bernadette came to visit her at her apartment, and since it was the time between Christmas and New Years, they both took off the next day so they could have a girls sleepover with Penny. It had really been planned by Penny and Bernadette before she had left, because it was also the time Penny had told Bernadette that she was going to tell Amy. So Penny's sadness that day had only been compounded by a nervousness about what would happen that night. Even now she didn't know what to do, going over in her head how she was going to tell her friend something that would probably break her heart. So it was with a little apprehension Penny invited both her friends into her apartment that evening and with a nervous energy she got them drinks then sat down to talk. "So what has been happening with you guys?"

"Not much with me, work is slow between the holidays, most everyone is gone. When I asked my boss for tomorrow off he told me he would see me next Monday, so I guess I have the rest of the week off." Bernadette explained.

Penny nodded, "That's great Bernadette." trying to feel a little happiness for her friend.

"Yeah, maybe, as long as I can get Howard to stop from playing video games with Raj all day." Bernadette said in disgust.

"Really, you are lucky, Sheldon has been driving me nuts since Friday." Amy now spoke up.

"Why, what is he going on about now." Bernadette asked.

Amy seemed a little agitated, "Its Leonard this and Leonard that and how Leonard is going to get a Nobel before him because he is riding on Hawking's coat tails." Amy suddenly realized what she was saying when she saw the sad expression on Penny's face, so she quickly stopped talking about Leonard. "I'm sorry."

Penny stared at Amy for a second, then shook her head, "Did he say what is happening with Leonard?" She couldn't help the need to hear anything about him, even if it made her feel bad.

Amy looked at Bernadette who just slightly nodded, to let her know she could tell Penny about Leonard. Bernadette already knew from Howard what the news was and had planned to tell Penny that night anyway, she just never expect Amy to blurt it out. "Well…..Sheldon was mad because Leonard got offered a position at Cambridge with tenure, working with Hawking." Amy then looked at Penny.

Penny knew that Cambridge wanting Leonard, to work with Dr Hawking, was a great honor for a scientist and she knew that tenure was a big deal too. Leonard had told her before that tenure meant a job for life, and she knew the guys all wanted it, from what happened with the guys over a year ago, when they were all fighting for it. But it was a job for life at Cambridge, in another country that was thousands of miles away from California and even Nebraska, making Penny suddenly wonder if she would ever see him again. "Oh." was all she could say, her mind still whirling around with the information Amy told her.

Amy could see Penny's expression, she was having difficulty with the information, so Amy desperately looked for something to change the subject. It was then that Amy noticed that Penny was drinking juice while they were drinking wine, so she decided to jump on that subject. It was a way to talk about something else, but Penny not drinking wine when she was upset, was actually such an unnatural situation that it did make Amy wonder what was up with her friend. "So have you given up drinking?" Amy casually asked.

"I can't anymore." Penny responded without thinking, her mind still on Leonard and the information she had been told. There was though a hint of sadness in her voice, if she ever needed wine it was today.

"OH NO!" Amy quickly responded, her mind immediately thinking something was wrong, "You haven't developed a bleeding ulcer or something have you, from your previous consumption?"

Penny stared at her friend with surprise, "I never drank THAT MUCH!" she quickly defended herself, then as she thought a second, she got less sure of her defense. "Did I?"

"I sometimes wondered how many miles your liver still had on it." Amy now told her, seriously, still wondering what was wrong.

Penny thought for a second, maybe she did drink too much, look where drinking had her now. However to Amy she just shook her head, "I have no diseases, sickness or holes in my insides." she quietly added.

"Then why would you not want to drink something….." Amy then looked at Penny wide eyed. "You're not…."

Penny sighed, she might as well tell her now, so she just nodded. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh my God." Amy said while staring at her friend wide eyed and suddenly in fear.

Penny looked at Amy, guilt on her face. "I'm really sorry."

Bernadette looked from Penny to Amy, their expressions making her realize she needed to say something quick. "Okay guys calm down and lets talk about this."

Amy just stared at Penny as she spoke. "You're having Sheldon's baby."

Bernadette jumped in again. "Amy, there is a chance it's Leonard's."

Amy ignored her, "Penny you need to tell him. Sheldon needs to know."

Penny nodded, "I am sorry Amy, I really wished I knew a way to fix this."

Amy nodded, her best friend was having her love's baby, Amy was so confused and really didn't know how to feel. It was not like Sheldon had cheated on her, Amy was there, he was so drunk he didn't know what was going on, but the thought of Penny having Sheldon's baby, instead of her, broke Amy's heart. She didn't know where to go from there, her life just seemed to go crazy at that moment. "I think I need to leave."

Tears started to fall down Penny's cheeks, as she watched Amy get up, she had lost the guys across the hall and now she was loosing her girlfriends, it was getting to be too much for her, "Please Amy don't leave me." she croaked out between her tears.

Amy was upset too, tears slipping down her cheeks, but Penny's plea stopped her and made her look around at her friend. The sight of Penny's tear covered face and desperate eyes, making it harder for Amy to move any closer to the door. "Penny….." but Amy couldn't find any words.

"Amy I'm so sorry, I never wanted this and you know Sheldon would never want this, please don't go like this. I've lost the guys, I can't loose you two, if you need a little time alone, go to my bedroom and close the door, but please don't leave. Please Amy stay here, I can't loose you as a friend too." Penny pleaded, then got up and grabbed Amy in a hug as they both began to cry holding each other. Bernadette could only just sit there looking at her two friends in sympathy as sadness began to overcome her too.

The girls stayed the night, and they talked, Amy remained sullen the whole night but as the night went on she became more acceptant of what had happened and not so depressed. The girls did come up with something positive that night though, a plan to tell Sheldon, it wasn't anything great, it was just that they were all going to be there when he found out. They knew it wouldn't make in easier on Sheldon but it might help Penny out some and after all she was the one that was pregnant.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWRONG BABYxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The lack of anything to do was killing Leonard, his work and report were done, and the university was a ghost town for all the people that remained there. It wouldn't had been so bad if he was just alone, but it had over a week since Leonard's Skype session with Penny and he still didn't know what to do about the whole situation. With his mind not occupied with work, thoughts of Penny filled his mind and his tendency to over think was making his mind a jumble of thoughts he couldn't seem to get his arms around.

He actually wondered if he was a fool, he loved her, but he wondered was that just the fool in him, not wanting to give up on the most amazing girl he had ever met. He had known several guys who found out their girls cheated on them, it had ended their relationships, but ending it with Penny is something he didn't think he could do. He was still having trouble even convincing himself that Penny really cheated, and maybe that was his problem, he was too infatuated with her and he was refusing to admit it to himself. The word pathetic kept coming back into his mind and he was now asking himself, was this denial part of his being so pathetic.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWRONG BABYxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was late Tuesday afternoon, after Sheldon came back from the comic book store, that the girls finally decided to execute their plan, Penny's courage coming from the two friends she had holding her hands as they waited for the tall man to answer his door. The surprise on his face was evident to all of them after he opened his door, and he quickly turned his attention to Amy for answers. "Amy what is this about?" The tone of his voice laced with suspicion.

"Sheldon, we came over here to talk." Amy simply responded.

Sheldon looked at them all in turn, "Okay, talk."

"Sheldon, can we come in, this is not something we want to talk about in the hall." Bernadette responded

A slight sour expression passed over Sheldon's features, making Penny shiver a little. "Okay." he then stepped aside.

The girls were no longer in the apartment and the door closed, when Sheldon folded his arms over his chest, looking down at all three of them. He knew that all three of them there to see him meant only trouble for him and now he wished he never let them in. He also had a feeling this was about the girls wanting him to forgive Penny, but he knew he couldn't do that either and he prepared himself for their onslaught. "What do you want to talk about?"

Penny now spoke for the first time, "Sheldon could you please sit down?"

"How long is this going to take." Sheldon asked, frustration evident in his voice, he was mad at Penny, he really didn't want to talk to her.

"Sheldon sit down." Amy told her boyfriend.

"Why?" Sheldon asked with suspicion.

"Please Sheldon, sit down." Amy begged.

Sheldon stared at the three girls, they seemed to not want to continue until he sat down, and to be honest he wanted them gone, so he sat in his spot. "Okay, I'm sitting."

The girls took seats on the couch and in Leonard's chair, Penny naturally taking Leonard's chair, then feeling weird as soon as she sat down, like she had done something horrible. It took her a second to get over that feeling, before she was able to look Sheldon then the girls, both girls nodding to her to tell him. "Sheldon I'm pregnant."

Sheldon was confused, why was she telling him this, what did she want. "Although you turning up pregnant doesn't surprise me, why should that interest me?"

Penny took in a big breath, "Because the baby is probably yours."

Penny could actually see the little bit of color in Sheldon's face drain away as it sunk in. She watched him as he first stared at her then at Amy and Bernadette then back at her, not saying a thing. The silence was deafening, Penny couldn't stand it. "I'm really sorry."

It was like something exploded in Sheldon. "SORRY! YOU GOT ME DRUNK, RAPED ME, THEN NOW TELL ME YOU GOT PREGNANT, AND YOU ARE SORRY!"

All three girls cringed and moved slightly back from him. It was so uncharacteristic of Sheldon to explode like that and Penny realized it was probably shock fed by adrenaline, because he seemed to start composing himself almost immediately after his outburst. "I want you to go." Sheldon calmly said to Penny after a few moments.

"Sheldon." Amy said as she moved a little closer to him.

Sheldon looked at them all in turn, "I want you all to go, now." Sheldon then got up and went to his room, slamming the door, leaving the three girls staring at each other.

"Umm…Amy?" where the only words that left Bernadette's mouth.

Amy shook her head, "I have never seen him so angry. He was mad when he found out what happened that night, but this is a new level for him."

Penny just nodded, as she wiped a tear from her cheek, everything seemed to make her cry anymore. "I'm sorry guys, this is all my fault, if there was anyway I could change things….." Amy and Bernadette looked at her, they both felt sorry for her, but it was true, it was her own fault.

"Penny, Amy, why don't we get some dinner." Bernadette said to try and get everyone's minds to think about something else than what just happened and to get them out of there.

Amy and Penny slowly nodded, then got up and left Sheldon's apartment, Bernadette taking the lead, she was worried about both of them. "I'll drive, okay." Bernadette then watched them both nod as she lead them down the stairs.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWRONG BABYxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They had a very quiet dinner, each of the girls having difficulty carrying on a long conversation, because none of them wanting to bring up what had happened that day again. Both Penny and Bernadette knew it was Amy that was having the roughest time of them all, finding out about Penny caring her boyfriends baby and then being thrown out of his apartment with the rest of them. So Penny had no reservations about Bernadette dropping her off first, at her apartment, so she could take Amy home and talk a little with her alone. It was probably the right thing to do, because Penny figured Amy would want to talk to someone about what she, Penny did, without her around, it only made sense.

So Penny got herself comfortable and watched TV for a few hours, not really giving it much attention as she thought about the information Amy told her yesterday about Leonard. She knew Leonard and his work enough to know what he was doing now was very prestigious for him in his career, heck even the great Sheldon Cooper was jealous. She also knew that all this whole situation had done was screw up his life, he was really doing good without her and it seemed all she did was drag him down anymore. It made her began to serious consider if she really deserved him, and that if she really loved him maybe she just needed to let him go. She continued with that thought, contemplating it for a couple hours until just after midnight, she realized she needed to talk to him. It was morning there and she knew he always got up early, except when he was with her, the thought of that creating a tear in her eye, but with all the determination she had left in her, she got her laptop and booted it up, to Skype Leonard.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWRONG BABYxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leonard sat on the chair in his office at the university, he was there on New Years Eve, because he honestly didn't have anything else to do and being at the university made it seem like he was doing something productive instead of just sitting in his apartment over thinking. So when the Skype request beeped on his laptop, he had been just sitting there thinking about Penny, thus it took him a few seconds to focus on what was beeping and then without thinking he quickly hit accept. He was actually surprised when Penny's face popped up on the screen, he hadn't really looked at who the Skype request was from before he accepted it. "Hi" he softly said, not knowing what else to say.

"Hi Leonard." Penny could see what looked like an office in the background, "Are you at work?"

Leonard just nodded, "Yeah, I thought I could get a little done today."

Amy told her that there was no one at Cal Tech on New Years Eve and that is why her and Sheldon had taken off, so seeing Leonard at work, made her heart go out for him. "Are there many people working today?"

Leonard sighed, "Maybe, I don't really know, I haven't seen anyone."

Penny wanted to cry, there he was alone on New Years Eve, like he been most of his life and it was because of her, she had done this to him. She suddenly thought back to Alex and how she tried to take him from her and how he would probably be with Alex right now if it wasn't for her. Alex probably would have never cheated on him and he would be spending the day with her and that night, Alex was really perfect for him. While she was the reason he was alone, there were girls that wanted him, but she kept them away and in the end broke his heart. She now knew that she had to do something to change that, to let him find someone else, before this little bit of courage in her was gone. "Leonard, I have been doing a lot of thinking this week."

Leonard became more attentive, "Oh?"

"Leonard, I'm keeping the baby and I going to raise it alone." she told him.

Leonard shook his head, "What!….. Wait what do you mean." Leonard felt suddenly confused. "What about the father?"

"I'm not going to have a paternity test, I don't want to know who the father is." Penny responded, but in her head she said to herself, 'I'm going to believe it is yours'.

"But the father is either Sheldon or me?" Leonard was a little shocked about what Penny was telling him.

Penny nodded, "I know, but neither of you will know, so neither of you have an obligation to me."

"Penny you can't do that. I can't just let you do this by yourself." Leonard pleaded.

"Yes you can Leonard. Face it, the probability the baby is yours is very slim and you know it." Penny took a breath to keep from crying. "Anyway Sheldon is most likely the father and if I do this, he won't know for sure so I don't have to have him interfering in our lives. I also don't want him trying to do the right thing, when his mother finds out, I really don't need that. It will allow me to raise the child as I seem fit and I need to do that." Penny explained.

"Penny…you need help, it is too much for you to do alone. Confirm who the father is and let him help you…..or me." Leonard continued to plead with her.

Penny shook her head, "You're wrong Leonard, I can do this alone and I will. I don't need the father, I made this mess and I will take care of it without anyone's help."

Leonard didn't know what to say, she seemed so determined and he could understand if she didn't want Sheldon influencing her life, he was hard to deal with as a roommate, him as the father could be a nightmare. It wasn't his decision anyway, it was her decision, her body and her baby, and if anyone had more of a right to argue with her honestly it was Sheldon, not him. It was that thought that made him submit, Sheldon was probably the father so he was the one that should be discussing this with her, they were the family unit now. Leonard felt a huge sadness over come him, Sheldon had the family he always wanted, so Leonard just looked at her and nodded, "Penny, if you ever change you mind…" as Leonard asked himself, 'Is that it, is it really over?' "….You know I'll always be there for you if you need me." Leonard didn't even know if that was even appropriate to say anymore, this whole thing really was about Penny the mother, Sheldon the father and their baby.

Penny nodded, "Thank you Leonard for not fighting me on this." They both just sat there for a few moments, it was basically over between them and Penny knew if she stayed online with him much longer she would break down crying and maybe even beg him to come back. She had barely kept her resolve and courage up this long, so she just gave him one more look. "Well that is all I had to say and it is late here, so I need to get some sleep. Bye Leonard."

Leonard didn't know what to say, they were broken up, really over now. "Good night Penny." He then watched as she broke the connection, a deep horrible sadness filling his soul as her face disappeared off the screen. He felt so empty the next few minutes, like his life didn't seem like living anymore, and even though he knew that it would eventually pass, it made him wonder if he would ever be happy again.

It had been a couple minutes since she signed off and now Penny was curled around a pillow on her bed sobbing, she was convinced her life, as she had known it, was over. This new loneliness tore at her soul, Leonard was out of her life, she was really scared and she honestly didn't know if she could really do it by herself like she told him, the resolve she had just minutes before now was all gone along with her courage. Hanging up while looking at Leonard's sad face had been one of the hardest things she had done in her life, especially since all she wanted it this whole world right now was for him to hold her.