Decided to write this fic and was trying to wait a while before uploading it so I could consentrate on my other fics but I just couldn't help myself. Anyway enjoy and review and let me know what you's think x
Chapter one.
Plead insanity. That's what my councillor said the week running up to my trial. At first I laughed it off, I wasn't going to stand up in a courtroom and say I was insane.
But as the days slowly dragged by I changed my mind, I discussed it with Jim, he seemed enthusiastic about the plan but then again he always was smiling for no reason. I didn't expect that two and a half years down the line I would be getting out.
When I got told my sentence would be cut I didn't think it would be by that much.
Then Jim finally spilled to me that they didn't have enough evidence to make it stick, that as soon as I pled insanity my confession went down the toilet. I should have been glad about it but all I did was grunt, too much in shock to fully understand what was getting said.
So now it's the day I'm getting out and there's only one place I can think of that I want to be and that's with Steven, I didn't phone him to let him know I was getting out. Was scared it was one big joke and they were going to change there minds as soon as I stepped out the gates but they didn't, so I kept walking.
I walked for so long that I had no clue where I even was, I have my old phone in my pocket but it's not much use without a charger so I know my next stop is to a shop.
I don't have a lot of money, well I do compared to some people but not to what I'm used to having, when I walk into a clothes shop I don't even bother to look at the name of it just look around and grab a few things I see.
The cashier doesn't look at me funny, she smiles actually. I was expecting everyone to know who I am, where I've been but nobody paid to much attention.
I finally get to a phone shop only to be told that they don't sell my charger anymore but the salesman manages to talk me into buying a new phone.
"If you want I can put all of your things from your old phone onto your new one?" Says the spotty freckled boy, not once taking his eyes off the computer screen infront of him.
"Yeah okay" I say to him nodding, it doesn't seem that difficult within five minutes he's got the new phone infront of me, footering about with it and showing me all the 'cool' things I can do on it.
I leave as quick as I can putting my old phone in my bag, just incase.
I wait on a taxi for a good twenty minutes and in that time I play about with the phone, not much has changed about the outside world as I thought it would but then again two years isn't that long.
I tell the taxi driver to take me to a Bed and Breakfast place that I've stayed at before in Chester, when I get into my room I strip out of my top before helping myself to a small bottle of whiskey out of the mini fridge, this place is a dive the sort of place I would take Steven to when we first got together.
I pull out the phone and think about ringing Steven but decide against it and phone Cheryl.
"Hello?" She says picking up on the third ring, her voice hasn't changed which I'm glad of,
"Chez.." I start but she interrupts me,
"Is that you Bren?!" She says her voice breaking, "Oh god I don't believe this, where are ye?"
"Chester." I say, I thought it would be obvious, "How's Steven?"
"Me and Ste.. We haven't spoken in a while" she mutters quietly,
I grit my teeth together, I don't think I like where this is going "What do ye mean Chez?" I snap,
She must sense the frustration in my voice because she hesitates to answer, "Well after ye left.. Things went on, we just sort of drifted apart."
"So basically ye fucked off and left him on his own?!" I sneer, I thought that she would at least stick around for a while,
"It wasn't like that Brendan, he wanted me to move away. Told me to himself, he came to visit a few times but he got so closed off, we just stopped talking one day" she says, sounding emotional, as if she's upset about it.
"Jeez Chez, ye could've at least made sure he was okay." I sigh,
"He was, seemed pretty runned down, a bit depressed but that was expected, listen babe phone him if ye want to know about it." She says,
"I will, Bye Chez." I say hanging up, I wince at how I acted and realize it is my fault. I drove that wedge between them, before they were great friends, ones you wouldn't expect would ever not speak.
I think about phoning Steven but change my mind and decide I'm better doing it face to face. When I get to Stevens old flat thought it isn't there, there's a plaque outside the white building that's in the flats place. It reads,
'In memory of the life's lost in the devastating explosion on 16.10.2013 Rest in peace'
My breath catches in my throat and I can feel my legs begin to shake, I automatically think the worst, Stevens dead. Only a few months after I went to jail he lost his life, I feel the tears rimming my eyes threatening to spill. I pull myself together and shake my head.
This can't be happening, he can't be gone. I go onto google on my phone, it takes me a while but I eventually get it. I type in the address of the old flats,
35 Fern Place explosion.
A few links come up and I touch the top one, it takes a few presses fuck I hate touch screens.
It comes up loads of paragraphs, explaining what happened, three people died in it, plenty more were injured. It happened at a party, it was an accident even though it was a bomb, the deaths are what shocks me.
Leanne Holiday, it takes me a minute to remember exactly who she is, crazy Leanne, nice girl I guess.
Ashley Kane, the girl used to work in the club I got on with her well after a while, even let her do her weird physiological shit to me.
It's the last one that surprises me the most though, Douglas Carter. I swallow the lump in my throat, most of the time I hated the guy but I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt that wouldn't shift. My heart calms down in my chest though when I know Steven's safe but I guess a phone call will need to do just now.
He doesn't pick up straight away when it gets answered my breath gets knocked out of me just by hearing him say one word,
"Hello?" He says, repeats it a few times before I finally answer,
I stutter his name and hear him take a deep breath,
"Is that you Brendan?" He says and I think that's it he's going to be happy about it, he's going to take me back.
"Yeah" is all I can muster up to say,
"Well what d'ya want?" He snaps,
I wince at the sound of it, he's either really pissed off or hates me, maybe even both. "Can I see ye?" I ask,
"Why? You've not bothered for the past few years why the change of heart?" He says,
"I'm out" I reply, trying to keep calm even though my palms sweating that much I feel like the phones about to slip out my hand,
"Already? How'd ya manage that one?" He says back, I can hear a bit of his usual friendliness tone coming back,
"Meet me and I'll explain." I say hoping it'll work,
"Alright, I ain't stayin for long though where will I get ya?" He says and I'm grateful he didn't put up a fight, but maybe he's feeling like I do, he's sick of fighting.
"I'm at the old flat, well what used to be the flat.." I say scratching my head,
"Right well.. I got a flat closer to the village, meet me at the Dog in the Pond in ten minutes" he says hanging up before I get the chance to reply, doesn't look like the fightings finished yet.
I quickly walk even break into a jog and get there within five minutes, I'm surprised to see Steven already stood there at the bar, chatting away to that Nancy Osborne. She notices me before he does and she must say something because he turns round to me and his face just knocks the breath out of my lungs.
He's not changed really, looks the same. Still wearing a tracksuit, still got the golden tanned skin that I love, the bright eyes and pouty lips that underneath have a set of shiny white teeth.
He nods at me and I walk over, he's already got me a whiskey sat infront of him and a pint for himself, it does something to my insides even though it's only a small gesture.
"Can we go outside?" I ask "Sit out there?"
"In the middle of November" He tuts but stands up and makes his way outside. He picks a table and sits down taking a big gulp of his pint.
I can't help myself anymore I make a grab for his hand, just holding it. I'm scared if I do anything else this will all fade away, it still doesn't seem real.
He gives my hand a tight squeeze before letting it go,
"Ya know we can't go back to the way we were." Steven sighs leaning back in his chair.
"What do ye mean?" I ask,
"A lot has changed Bren, I'm not the same person ya left behind. I can't handle your shit anymore" he says rubbing his face.
I can't help but feel disappointed, I've seen myself as a burden to people before but I had never thought I was one to Steven. He continues talking while I only half listen to him,
"Cause last time that just fucked me up. I went through a lot that year, I can't have you coming back here and messing with me head again." He says, it's only then I hear him sniffing and I look into his face, he has tears coming down his face but brushes them away quickly.
"I'm not going to mess with your head Steven." I state, I know I won't I didn't even meant to fuck him up when I left, I thought it was the best thing to do.
"Ya said that before Brendan, you said that nearly everytime! And nothin ever changes, I'm always the one that gets hurt. It's not that I don't want ya, it's that I can't." he sighs, I can tell he's not finished and after he takes a few deep breaths he carries on "I mean last time it nearly destroyed me.. Infact it did but I picked myself back up like I always have to do, and I promised myself I would never forgive you this time." he says and it sounds final.
He carries on speaking but I don't listen it's like it's just white noise, I feel my hands tremble and the tears streaking down my face. I don't bother wiping them, at this point I really don't care. Steven finally looks at me and he completely stops what he's saying, he goes to reach for me but halfway there he changes his mind.
"I can't Bren" he says shaking his head, bottom lip trembling he looks into his pint like it holds all the answers then looks up at me straight in the eye, "I wish I could but I can't."
"Is there someone else?" I whisper, my voice cracking. I can't believe this is happening.
"What if there was? That's what ya wanted weren't it?" he says shaking his head frowning, "There isn't."
I let out a deep breath, "Then what?"
He looks up at me eyes widened, "Did ya not hear what I said?! Ya ruined my life.. Again! I can't trust you" he says shutting his eyes and rubbing his temples.
"But.. Ye still love me?" I say, I feel the hope running through my body.
"Your unbelievable do ya know that?!" he snaps.
"Please" I say shutting my eyes, "Just answer the question".
"Yes." he says, whispers more like.
"Then give me another chance, let me prove.." I don't get to finish the sentence before Stevens sneering at me,
"Do ya not think I've gave ya enough chances?! Face it Brendan you've fucked up too many times, you've lost me" he says, each word is like a stab.
"But ye still love me.." I mutter,
"That doesn't mean ya still have a chance!" he shouts,
"Please.. Steven I'm beggin ye, I can't live without ye" I say, tears rolling down my face again, I know I look and sound pathetic and I never act like this. It feels like the only thing I can do just now.
"I've heard it all before Brendan. Nothin is gonna change my mind." he snaps,
"Does this mean that this is going to be the last time I see ye?" I stutter, I don't look at him, scared of what the reply will be.
"I don't know Brendan, I cant see into the future" he snaps, if he didn't want to see me again he would of said so that makes me have a tiny bit of hope.
I know if I ever will get him back he needs to come to me, it'll need to be on his terms.
I write my number down on a bit of paper and slide it over to him.
"If ye want to get ahold of me then there's my number." I say sliding it across to him, he looks at me in disbelief, "I'm not forcing ye to take it, as soon as I leave ye can throw it in the bin if ye wish."
He shakes his head, "Don't give me the choice, because I'll pick you and I can't." he says taking a deep breath.
"I'm not givin up on ye Steven." I say, feels like daja vu.
"But ya did Brendan." he sneers back, "You gave up on me when you cut me out your life. Was it really that easy?"
"Ye think it was easy?!" I snap, it pisses me off sometimes the lack of faith he has in me. "If it was easy I wouldn't be back here, did ye think I wanted it to turn out the way it did?!" he looks at me eyes wide and I know I must look crazy but I just don't care.
"Then why'd you do it?" he asks voice low and cracking.
"I was goin to get sent down for life, I couldn't stop ye from living yours." I sigh.
"Ya wouldn't have, cos I would've been happier with you in me life in jail than not havin you at all." he mutters picking at his nails.
"Then what's changed?" I ask,
"I grew up" he says finally looking at me "I realised that I'm just an option to you. But you was everything to me."
I can't help but grab his shoulders, I make an animalistic noise, I don't mean it but the lad frustrates me, he looks at me with wide eyes again.
"Ye are everything to me Steven! Ye always were, I told ye before ye come first to me, your always front of the que" I murmur looking into his eyes and he's looking back, I'm trying to force him to believe me. He needs to.
"But I didn't come first when ya were up on that balcony did I? I were the last person you were thinkin of" he says, I shake my head automatically.
"I couldn't let Chez go down for it ye know that! It would've destroyed her." I say lowering my voice.
"Yeah and fuck how I feel." he says,
"I knew you'd be miserable for a while yeah but I knew you'd get over it." I sigh,
"Is that what ya think?!" he snaps and I nod, "Well your wrong, it were hell and all you done was ignore me everytime I tried to tell ya!"
"I'm sorry" I say, "I mean it, if I knew it wasn't going to be life then I would've talked to ye."
"I know something that will be able to get ya to leave me alone" he says without even acknowledging what I've just said.
"And what's that?" I ask, I know there's nothing that could make me want to leave him again.
"The day after ya left I slept with someone." he says, the venom lacing his voice. I know this tactic, I've used it several times myself, "And I got back with Doug, we were gonna travel together. We were havin a leavin party when the bomb went off."
It feels like time stands still after hearing that. I let it sink in but then Steven starts talking again.
"He managed to get out, and he came back in for me. The roof collapsed on us when he was getting me out, we were stuck there, couldn't move. I thought I were gonna die, I felt meself goin freezin and tired and I kept talking. I kept just goin on and on, like I always do then we got cut out and I were alright but then I looked at Doug and he weren't alive." he spills it all out then takes a deep breath before carrying on, "I kept moaning and tellin him stuff to say to Leah and Lucas and he just answered to me and listened. He didn't moan once, I wish it was me that died that day."
I grab his chin and make him look at me, his eyes are wattery and he keeps sniffling but he looks as if he's far away. "Listen to me" I say, he looks in to my eyes before batting my hand away.
"Don't right, ya don't get to try comfort me Brendan. I needed ya months ago, that weren't even the worst thing that's happened, where were ya then?" he sneers at me.
"Y-ye know where I was.." I mumble back. "Ye can talk to me now"
"It's too late, get it into your head!" he shouts.
"I'm gonna leave now." I say "Phone me when your ready to sort this out" I point to both of us. He looks at me with shock but then he looks away, he's pouting and I'm glad it's not changed. I love this side of him, but only when I know I can win him back around. Which this time I'm not too sure of.
I stand up from the chair and my legs feel numb from sitting there for such a long time, I hadn't expected to have lasted this long. I thought we would either make up or Steven would storm off.
I can't stop myself bending down and planting a soft kiss against his hair, he looks up at me surprised.
"How did you get out Brendan?" he asks and I take a deep breath.
I mumble "I went to see a councillor. She told me to plead insanity."
"Really?" he says, I can hear the surprise in his voice. I nod my head don't feel like I could answer.
He puts his hand on my arm, it's only there for a few seconds and it's a light touch but I feel it lingering.
"I'll phone you." he says quietly, I stand still for a minute before nodding to him and spinning on my heel. I want to look behind to see him but I keep my head forward and down.