I took the complete piss updating this, truly am sorry, hope you's enjoy x
Chapter three
Ste's pov
There's a ringing, a constant ringing. It's a phone, then there's a voice, woman's, Cheryl's.
"Listen Bren I know you've got your mind set on getting Ste back but it's been years, he's moved on." she takes a deep breath. "Please don't spend too much time over there, Declan and Padraig need their dad. Ye can be their dad now, I know ye want to sort it out with Ste and I wish ye could. You's both deserve to be happy but sometimes things are best left alone." she clears her throat, "anyway phone me back when ye can."
She was leaving a message, something that I wasn't supposed to here. I finally open my eyes, can still feels Brendan's warm, solid arms around me. I smile at the sight of him, I've missed this man, god I love him so much. The guilt is here though, I'm keeping Brendan away from his family, his kids.
I should sneak away now, if I know Brendan well enough then if I did that he would be too embarrassed to confront me about it. Would go back to Ireland, maybe not straight away but shortly after. When he opens his eyes though I know there's no chance of that happening, I won't let him go willingly.
"Your up." he says, grinning.
I clear my throat and find my voice, "Yeah, Got woke up with Cheryl on the phone." I say as an explanation.
He huffs as he gets out of bed making his way to his hotel phone, "I told her to stop leavin messages on this. I don't even know how to stop them playing out loud." he says frowning at the phone while pressing buttons.
I can't help a giggle escape my mouth and he looks at me as though I've just made the oddest noise ever, the message starts to play and Brendan looks frozen to the spot, he looks at me conflicted look on his face.
"If ya need to go back then go." I murmur.
"I'm not leavin ye." he says running his hands through his hair.
"Not forever." I sigh, "you've got other stuff to sort out. This can wait, your family needs ya."
"Ye need me." he says simply as though that's all that matters.
"I can wait." I say, it is the truth, I've waited long enough for him what's a few more weeks going to do.
"I've only just got ye back." he sounds desperate now, walking towards me, scared look on his face, "Ye've only just let me back in, if I leave now how do I know ye will still want me. What if ye change your mind?"
I sit up and cross my legs before pulling him down to sit on the bed and hold his face in my hands, making him look at me, "You can't put me before your kids Bren, I wouldn't let ya. I won't change my mind."
"I can't keep putting ye at the back of my mind Steven, ye could come with me.." he starts talking, blabbing on.
"I can't leave now, I've got responsibilities, a job." I sigh, "Ya won't be gone for long though right?" I say weakly.
"I don't even need to go-" he starts to protest.
"Yes you do!" I almost shout at him, he nods.
"I want to spend the day with ye though." he says quietly.
"I've no objections." I say with a grin trying to lighten the mood.
He pulls me into a kiss and the rest of the day is spent in bed, not moving from each others warmth, constantly touching each other, when we have sex it's the desperate, needy kind. It's quick and amazing, as mind blowing as its always been and as we slowly come down Brendan whispers in my ear pressing kisses against the side of my face and neck. "I love ye."
"I love you too." I say gripping his arms tightly, voice weak.
He bites down on my neck before kissing it once again, "I don't want to go." he whines.
"You have to." I remind him, "I'll miss you by the way."
He looks surprised and I don't know why, "I'll be back as soon as I can." he says and I believe him.
There's some sort of new found trust between us now, we've still not really spoken properly or established what is happening with us but right now I'm content, I don't mind leaving it on this note for a while.
I doubt he'll be away for more than a few weeks at most, he books a flight for nine o'clock that night. I help him pack his things away, his clothes haven't changed. A bunch of fresh suits, a pair of jeans and a leather jacket, not the same one he used to wear, this ones new and I heat up at the image of Brendan wearing it. Neither of us bring up our situation there's an unsaid agreement that we're best leaving that conversation until he gets back. I don't ask when he'll be back and he doesn't tell me.
"I'll phone ye when I land." he says while we wait outside for our taxis, separate taxis.
"Just phone me when you've got the time alright?" I say softly.
"Okay." he says nodding, "I love ye." he says, still looks embarrassed admitting it.
"You too." I smile, a taxi pulls up at that exact moment and he pulls me into his arms.
"You take this one, ill get the next." he murmurs into my ear, giving me a soft kiss on the lips.
"okay." I say, feeling my eyes fill up when I get to the door I finally glance up at him, he's staring at me as though he's taking in all of me. "Bye Bren."
"I'll see ye Steven." he gives me a small smile and I get in the taxi giving the driver my address but not taking my eyes away from Brendan until the cars pulling away and he's no longer insight, my stomach just feels empty.
Brendan's pov
I land in Belfast and give Cheryl a phone, she's in Eileen's, been spending a lot of time there as far as I know. "I'll be there soon." I tell her.
"Ye listened to me then?" she says softly.
"No, not really." I reply, "Steven heard ye, said I should come over."
"Ste? Ye been with him?" she asks sounding shocked, I hum as a reply, "Why are ye not with him now then?"
"Because he thought I should be here with you and the boys." I sigh.
"I just didn't want ye wasting time on a lost cause Bren." she says softly.
"Ye trying to say Steven is a lost cause?" I grunt, gripping the phone tighter.
"Not at all love!" she shouts sounding affronted, "I just mean if ye's weren't going to be able to fix things I didn't want ye over there alone."
"I'll be there soon, gotta go." I say, can't help sounding angry, am annoyed at the fact I've been away from Steven for over three years and now I've got him back I can't even be with him. I feel selfish that getting a relationship back with my kids aren't my priority but I'm here.
Declan's nineteen now, Padraig is eleven. When I get to the house I get a short grunt from Declan who's got his nose stuck into some sort of college book, I get a pang of pride knowing something good has been achieved from my life. Padraig gives me a shy 'hello' but after a while just like the last time he starts chatting away about, school and friends and homework and games and god knows what else.
I see a bit of myself in Declan but he's Eileen's son, definitely. The sweetness he has about them that turns into a fiery attitude within seconds. Padraig is more like me, if I was a normal kid, I would've been like him.
I send Steven a text letting him know I've landed, passing on Cheryl's hello.
I don't get a reply after half an hour and decide that it's probably time for bed.
After the first night spent at Eileen's, I stay at Cheryl's. The days pass by uneventful, me and Steven text regularly, I take the boys out. Declan and I go for a drink one of the nights, at one point the inevitable subject comes up, Seamus.
"So how did you get out then da?" he asks, is halfway through his third pint and by the looks of it is quite tipsy.
"Your mah and Chez not already spoke to ye about this?" I murmur back, Cheryl and I had already decided on this.
"Yeah but I want you to tell me." he says, looks determined so I doubt he's going to back down, one of the many strong Brady traits.
"My da wasn't a nice man.." I start but stop myself from carrying on, I don't even know how to explain this to him, knowing he's taking in every word I'm going to say.
"Don't sugarcoat it, it must be important if they let you away with five murders." he says sharply, it's only now I realise how much he's grew up, how much he's had to grow up without me being there.
I decide I'm going to need to tell the truth, Its the only fair thing to do and afterwards Declan can decide if he still wants anything to do with me. "I'll start at the beginning then. Firstly there was Danny Houston, he threatened Steven, proved that he wasn't all mouth. I panicked and killed him" I don't go into detail, I'm not going to with any of them. He looks at me with a strange frown on his face, I continue "Then there was Michael Cornos, technically I didn't kill him. He was Joel's step dad, he used to beat Joel up and tried to do it again so I was trying to help Joel 'take the power back'"
I rub my forehead and sigh, this isn't as easy as I thought it would be, "He fell from a lighthouse. Your great-gran, my gran Florence, she had cancer, as ye know. I had found something out, I was angry and I was hugging her but I squeezed her too tight, suffocated her. I kind of knew what I was doing but at the same time I didn't think I'd actually kill her." it's the first I've said it out loud, it wasn't deliberate but I don't regret it either, not after I found out she knew what Seamus was doing.
I look up at Declan, his face is scrunched up but I can't stop talking now, "Then Simon Walker, ye already know most of that story but it only got worse and I had no other choice. We had a one on one fight then I kicked him infront of a train. Then Seamus, I don't know what ye want me to tell ye about him." I sigh, can't think of anything to say.
"Auntie Chez told my ma about what he done." he says to me, "I overheard them one night, I know you didn't kill him."
I look at him awkwardly, not sure how to go about this, my son knows that his grandad abused me and he also knows that it was actually his auntie that killed him. Not me, brilliant.
That conversation is left at that and not another word is spoken about it, it feels like a weights been lifted though. We manage to have a laugh and it makes me think that maybe it isn't too late to salvage some sort of contact with my boys.
Soon enough I've been over for a full week and I'm itching to get back to England and see Steven, So I book a flight for the following morning. I invite Declan and Padraig out to the cinema so I can see them before I leave.
Declan's busy, sounded disappointed that he couldn't come. I pick Padraig up after school and we go straight there, it's some comedy but I don't really pay attention, Padraig seems content though. When the movies finished we walk back to Eileen's.
"So are ye gonna be back over soon da?" Padraig ask me sheepishly while we're making our way up the driveway.
"Yeah just for some things to sort out." I explain to him,
"Are you going to move back over here after you've sorted it out?" he asks.
I take a deep breath, I don't even know what's happening yet, "I wouldn't say I'm never going to move back but I don't see it happening anytime soon." I say truthfully.
Declan's in the living room on his laptop, "Alright da, Paddy." he says greeting us.
"Your ma about?" I ask him, looking around the room.
"In the kitchen." he says nodding towards the door.
I walk in the room and immediately am met with a stern look on my ex-wife's face. "So Brendan I hear your leaving again." she says coldly too me.
"Yeah, back to England." I tell her.
"Why?" she replies sounding frustrated, "Your family's here now, ye can't just walk back out on the boys."
"I'm not walking out on them, I've got my own life and right now it's in England. I'm going to be making regular visits, I'm going to be a dad to them." I tell her hoping for her to understand.
"What so they're important but not as important as your wee boyfriend?" she snaps.
"It's not like that Eileen." I tell her.
"Then what is it like eh?" she says raising her voice.
"I don't need to explain this to you." I say to her plainly, nearly my whole life I've spent trying to explain to people but when someone's set against me then I'm never going to be able to change their mind.
"I'm your ex wife Brendan!" she screams sounding affronted, "What am I supposed to tell the kids eh?" she asks.
"Their not kids anymore, me and Paddy have had a chat about it. He knows I'm going to be back over more often, Declan's older now, he gets it." I say back to her sternly, feel my anger peaking, I love my boys but Stevens important too, and I still don't even know where I stand with him.
"You say that now Brendan." she say quieter, "It's them that are always getting let down haven't you failed them enough already?"
I wince at the truth in her words, I've been a failer at many things but I'm trying to turn that around now, one bit at a time.
I give up this debate with Eileen and I head back into the living room exchanging my goodbyes with the boys and Eileen watches on, venom on her face. I'm just glad she's took a back seat for just now.
I quickly phone Steven, we've barley had the chance to talk over the phone, his voice sends goosebumps up my arms.
"Alright?" he quirks, the sound of it forcing a smile onto my face.
"Hey." I say, "I'll be back about twelve tomorrow."
"Really?" he says sounding surprised, "I didn't think ya were gonna be that quick."
Is there dissapointment in his voice? Or is that my imagination, does he want time away from me? Either to sort his own head out or to cushion the blow for when he tells to fuck off.
"Yeah, got my flights booked, so just need a to find a decent hotel."
"Ya can stay at mine." he blurts out, and I hear him clearing his throat uncomfortably, "I mean.. It's just a waste of money you been in a hotel when ya could just stay ere'. There's plenty of space and that.." he trails off.
I realise he's paused because he's waiting for my answer, I hear a small laugh escape my mouth and there's a quip on the tip of my tounge but instead I ask, "Ye won't mind?"
"Nah course not." he says straight away, "We've done it before."
That makes me smile, thinking back to that shitty flat. I'm glad Stevens not living in that place alone, he's got a new squeaky clean flat now, must have cost him a fair bit which means he must not be struggling with money like he used to, I'm happy about that, glad really.
I've got a grin on my face already, "Yeah we have." I say down the phone, "I've missed ye."
"Same ere'." he murmurs quietly.
"Good." I say simply, "Ye workin tomorrow?" I ask, hoping this might give me an inkling into what Steven is doing now, he's not really spoke about it and sometimes when I do ask he'll just change the subject, at first I thought maybe it was unintentional but as he started avoiding more questions I realised one thing. He doesn't want me to know much about him.
"Ehh yeah, I don't start till later on though, need to jump out about two for an hour then don't need to leave until six." he says, still not saying what he works as.
I think maybe in a bar or club but I seriously doubt it would be paying him well enough, "Where is it ye work now?" I ask him, third time lucky.
"Still in the village." he says back, "Tonys restaurant."
"Aw yeah? Good for you." I say back, I can imagine him frowning then grinning at my enthusiasm.
"Yeah right Bren I need to go, I'll see ya tomorrow." he says, "Bye." and then he's hung up, gone.
I exhale a deep breath, I've got a feeling when Steven said things weren't the same I might have underestimated just how much he meant that.