Chapter 30 - Sometimes there is nothing you can do

Penny just stood there for a few seconds, then looked around, every eye in the room looking at her, their intense stares bearing down on her like a huge weight and making her want to crawl in a hole, to hide her shame. She couldn't believe how strange she felt right then and cold, it was like all the warmth, of life, had been taken from her and she had been left alone. She didn't know if the people that were looking at her were judging her or just pitying her, but she knew she couldn't stand them looking at her any more, so she looked for an exit, she just needed to leave. She no sooner got out of the main room when she stopped, she felt so helpless and weak, she had to summon, with all her will, the little strength she had to move, but finally she did make herself move, to the dressing room where she kept her stuff.

Penny tried so hard not to cry as she grabbed everything she owned from the dressing room, she shared with Carol, it was her old self trying to take command, to not let them know they had beat her. Carol had followed her to the dressing room and even gave her a small duffle bag to help Penny pack up her stuff, her friend trying to help her as much as possible. However as Carol watched, Penny seemed like she was moving on autopilot, and Carol was becoming concerned as she watched her put the last of her stuff in the bag. "Penny are you going to be alright?"

Penny looked at her friend, it was hard for her to focus on what to say, her mind seemed to be swimming in a soup of shock and depression. It was almost to much for her and Penny just collapsed in a nearby chair, fighting the tears that wanted to come out, her old self again trying to take control again, the part of her that wouldn't let people hurt her or see her hurt, the part of her she let go of once she gave her heart to Leonard. She took a couple breaths and finally looked at her friend, "I need to go." and with that Penny got up and walked out the door.

Penny made it back through the studio, then out to her car, a good thing she always parked in the same place since her mind couldn't process simple things like looking for her car. It was when she put the key in the ignition and started the car that her dam cracked and she put her forehead against the steering wheel as she sobbed. Even then though, her old self took charge, she needed to leave, she needed to get away from the people who hurt her, it was something she had done to Leonard many times before, she needed to run away, so she stopped her sobbing and with eyes still wet and puffy Penny drove off the lot.

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Sheldon had a long talk with the Human Relations (HR) Department that morning, Mrs. Davis herself telling him that he was on probation again, and that his disrespect for his University superiors would not be tolerated again. He wanted to say something about lesser minds and how they could not be superior to him, but Amy had talked to him the whole day Sunday about what may happen today, preparing him for his trip to HR first thing Monday morning. So Sheldon just took Amy's advice, he just listened and just nodded, he would keep his thoughts to himself until that night, when the only person who truly cared for him would listen seriously to everything he had to say.

Sheldon had to admit, through it all, Amy's advice also was correct about another thing, not saying anything during his verbal consoling, but that he understood what he was being told, made the meeting go faster and allowed him to get out of HR that much quicker. Amy told him she knew he didn't agree with what they would tell him and she did not either, but he also knew that they would not honestly listen to him, so why waste his valuable time on them, when he could just get out of there to work. It turned out to be very sound advice and he knew he would need to complement her on it, because it wasn't even 10 AM in the morning and he was already in the sanctuary of his office, writing on his white board.

It was standing in front of his board that a thought crossed his mind, Amy had been full of excellent advice lately and had been a true friend, a better friend since Leonard changed when he met Penny. The fear he had felt before about her moving in, seemed completely unfounded anymore, she had been nothing but a benefit since she started being there in the evenings and then sleeping over night. There was also the closeness, it seemed that her and his bacteria and germs had reached some form of homeostasis between then because there were no side effects from their touching and physical contact. It allowed him to touch her without fear, and it was that touching that made Sheldon question all the preconceived notions he had about girlfriends, love and marriage, because he found he like touching her. She was so soft and smelled so good, and he found himself wondering what she felt like under all those clothes she wore. He already knew what she looked like nude, after all he had bathed her and that was filed in his memory in a safe location, but he yearned to know how all those parts felt.

Sheldon stood there just thinking, bringing up the memories of his roommates body, finding it hard in his mind not to ravish her in his thoughts, until, "Hey Cooper, surprised to see you her this morning."

Sheldon jumped, torn from his thoughts by the man and his Elmer Fudd speech, "Um Kripke…..what do you want."

Kripke chuckled, knowing he had obviously surprised Sheldon, and that he had another surprise for him. "Oh just showing around the newest member of the faculty."

"Hi dumbass." Leslie stepped around Kripke to look at Sheldon.

"You're back!" Sheldon replied in shock.

"Yeah, I heard the intellectual quality dropped significantly after I left, it seems a few of the lesser minds still pursued that dead end, string theory." She verbally slapped him with.

Sheldon always had problems countering Leslie's insults and she was right about string theory being a dead end too. He just gave in. "Welcome back Leslie."

If Sheldon tired, he couldn't have said anything better to leave both Barry and Leslie speechless at his gracious response. They both looked at each other with their jaws slack, Sheldon had been nice in his response, it even sounded sincere. "Umm, thanks Sheldon." was all Leslie managed to get out.

"Yeah…..We need to get going, I have some more things to show Leslie." Barry quickly injected into the now awkward conversation and with that he grabbed Leslie's arm.

Sheldon now stared at the empty doorway, his mind still a little surprised they were gone, as the understanding of what just happened put a small smile on his face. Amy helped him again in a difficult situation, her words coming back to him as he understood what just happened. 'Sheldon when you are angry with someone and you don't know what to say, just kill them with kindness, they won't know how to respond and it will give you time to recover', she was right again. He had did it without thinking, his being around Amy letting things like that just sink in like osmosis, it made his smile get larger, Amy was one of a kind, she was perfect for him and he knew, without a doubt, he never wanted to loose her.

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Leonard had a hard time concentrating all morning, his Friday night thoughts, deferred and ignored on Saturday and Sunday, so not to burden Penny, where now foremost in his mind. He was mainly concerned about his own actions, was he acting properly and was he being fair to Penny and Sheldon, when it came to the baby. Leonard actually had no reference in his life to compare this to, the lack of emotion and love in his family sometimes made it hard for him understand if he was being selfish when he dealt with situations like this where one persons feelings conflicted with another's.

However now he was torn, first about his basic need to protect Penny and by the realization that maybe Sheldon felt the same way about the mother of his child and his baby. Leonard was thinking how much Sheldon had changed since he met Amy, she had a way with him that amazed Leonard, considering all the years he had put up with the man. So Leonard wondered if this changed Sheldon could have sincere emotions for the baby Penny was carrying and Penny herself as the mother. If that was the case, Leonard knew he was being unfair both to Sheldon and maybe Penny, he might even be acting cruel by keeping them apart, where it concerned the baby.

The whole situation could now be different than he originally had envisioned, and it brought up a thought in his mind he had never considered, he might have to share Penny for a very long time if he wanted to spend his life with her. Penny the birth mother and Sheldon the father with the baby the link between them, would mean Sheldon would always be around, if Penny and Sheldon wanted him to be in the babies life. Leonard knew if he loved Penny he would have to accept that and even support it, if he wanted to have any chance of a successful marriage. He also knew he had to get his head around this new paradigm for his relationship with Penny and he had to fully accept it before they could go on and that thought really scared him.

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Penny just drove, she didn't even know where she was going, she just drove until she found herself in the parking lot just looking out her car front window at the surf hitting the sand. She needed to think and somehow she subconsciously knew she needed to be there to think, because she knew she was not ready to go back to the apartment and face Leonard. The thought of him even seeing her like she was now even made her cringe, the shame of deceiving him weighed on her, and she now didn't know how even to tell him.

She sat in the car, trying to understand it all, what she had done to get treated like she had been today and why the producer hated her so much. She thought she was doing a good job, she was trying as hard as she could and didn't the good reviews mean something? She felt so alone and the urge to cry was driving her crazy, she so wished Leonard was with her, so wished she had told him from the beginning about work. Penny suddenly felt smothered by her car, she had to get out, she really needed air, so he got out of her car and headed towards the surf.

So Penny walked alone on the beach, it was something she had done many times before since she had gotten to California, to calm her mind, and it is something she thought she would never have to do again since she had gotten back with Leonard. However, she had to think and she was embarrassed to tell Leonard she lied, they had agreed to not have secrets between them, but she had taken advantage of his trust for her to deceive him again. She was ashamed for that as much as she was depressed about what happened at the studio and so she just continued to walk hoping her time alone on the beach would somehow help the stress in her body and give her an idea how to make things right.

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Lunch was quiet, Raj and Howard sensing immediately that something was bothering Leonard and both erroneously thinking it had something to do with Sheldon being back at work today. The quietness when on for over 20 minutes until Howard couldn't take it any longer, "Leonard what's up? Is it Sheldon?"

Leonard looked at Howard in shock, it felt that he had read his mind and that now he was like an open book to his friends. "Umm" Leonard didn't know what to say and just stared back at his food.

"Dude, we feel you pain about Sheldon, but everything will work out, you'll see." Raj responded.

Howard just glared at Raj with aggravation. "That is stupid Raj. Sheldon is being an asshole and you know he doesn't stop being a dick until he is threatened with something that could seriously hurt him or he gets his way. Things are not going to be okay."

"Hey we are here to cheer Leonard up, not tell him the truth." Raj whined.

Howard was about to tell Raj off again when, 'Yeah its about Sheldon.' came from Leonard's lips, stunning both Howard and Raj, who both just stared at him.

Leonard looked up at both of them, then quietly said. "I'm wondering if I really screwed up with this thing about the baby."

Howard looked at Raj, who shrugged, they had not expected this to be Leonard's problem, so Howard then looked back to Leonard and asked cautiously. "Are you having second thoughts about getting back with Penny?"

Leonard's eyes flashed anger for a second, but just as quickly they seemed to go back to normal. "NO…No, I love Penny and she has made it clear she loves me…its just." Leonard sighed.

"Sheldon's baby." Howard completed the thought for Leonard, who just nodded.

"I tried to put myself in both their places, if I was Sheldon and this female friend was carrying my baby and was going to marry my other friend, could I just let them take my son or daughter away forever. Then I thought about Penny, was it fair to make her keep her son or daughter away from their biological father who just wanted to be in their life." Leonard shook his head and then put it in his hands.

"Crap." Howard whispered as he now realized what had Leonard so moody.

Leonard took his head out of his hands and looked at Howard, "I'm being a monster aren't I, I'm letting my own selfishness control my actions. I always known I'm insecure and a little pathetic, but now that Penny has let me know she want's to spend her life with me, am I becoming controlling, trying to control her to satisfy my own insecurity?" Leonard's pleading eyes zeroed in on his friend.

Howard chuckled, to Raj's look of horror at his friend taking Leonard's words so lightly. Then Howard looked right at Leonard, "Leonard we are all pathetic, that is the way we were raised and how we grew up, we will always be a little pathetic our whole lives. That said, you and Penny are great for each other because she makes you less pathetic and you make her smarter, you both complement each other that way. As for insecurity, after what you told us the last week, Penny is way more insecure than you right now, you are just thinking too hard about this all right now when there is a very simple answer to this problem."

Leonard was confused, "What simple answer?"

Howard smiled, "Talk to Penny about it."

"But it is about her." Leonard said in disbelief

Howard nodded, "How do you think me and Bernadette lasted so long, you've seen us fight, but you haven't seen us talk things trough, have you."

Leonard shook his head, "You guys talk a lot?"

Howard chuckled, "You bet your ass we talk a lot, especially at night before bed." Howard got a dreamily eyed look, "Makeup sex is the best." he then absentmindedly said.

Leonard ignored the last part of Howard's response and just nodded. "I don't know how but I will take your suggestion."

Howard looked at Leonard again, "Do you trust her?" Leonard nodded, "then don't worry, things will be fine." Leonard nodded again.

Silence hung over the three men for a few seconds, before Raj spoke, "Well if that is settled, Emily's birthday is coming up and I wanted to invite you all. It is going to be a gala event, of course I will be coordinating everything….." Leonard didn't hear anything else Raj said as he thought about Howard's words and how he was going to discuss everything with Penny.

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Penny walked for a while, she didn't even know how far she went, so when she looked on her phone and saw that she had been walking for over two hours, she was both surprised and dejected that she had not thought of a thing to help her troubled mind. She felt the same way as when she started and the disappointment of her day, along with her keeping it from Leonard, made her just as depressed as she was before. She rubbed her belly, the small bump that could only seen when she was nude, but she could feel as she touched herself, was somewhat comforting. The thought of a little life in her made her feel incredibly different than she had ever felt before, she could feel it in her heart, she loved the little baby inside her. She felt it was the greatest thing she ever did in her life, she was growing a life in her, and it would have been perfect if it was the baby of the man she loved and wanted to spend her life with. Just thinking about that made Penny sigh, she had betrayed Leonard when she slept with Sheldon and now she had deceived him about what was happening with her in her show. Pain filled her as she again wondered if she was worthy of Leonard anymore, all she ever did was hurt him and he just loved her anyway, and it made her feel that he was just too good for her.

Penny stopped and looked back down the beach, she now knew she needed to head back to her car not walk further away, she needed to solve her problems another way, not on some silly beach anymore, so she turned to head back to her car. She walked back a little faster now, she wanted and needed to get back home so Leonard wouldn't worry about her and she made very good time on her walk back. Penny was almost half way to her car, when she tripped over the can, it was halfway lodged in the sand, an immovable object her foot now hit. What made it worse was that she had taken off her shoes during her walk at the surf's edge, so it really hurt bad when her foot hit the buried can, making her fall, falling first on her hip, before she ended flat on her face. She was stunned and just managed to roll on her back as a wave washed up and wet her shirt, staying there were she fell for a minute trying to regain her strength as she also tried to manage the pain from her hurt hip that seemed to now radiate around her waist.

"Are you okay?" a woman, who saw her fall and came over, asked as she stood over her with a man who came with her.

"I think so, though my hip hurts." Penny slowly said.

"Here let me help you up." the woman offered, then took one of Penny's arms and helped her into a sitting position.

Penny thought she would feel better to be sitting, but her hip still hurt and as she fully sat up her abdomen immediately cramped. "Oh Damn." Penny let out as she hunched over from the pain.

The woman looked at the man with her, then back at Penny, who was breathing heavily from the cramps. "I must have hurt my abdomen too." she moaned. Penny was in pain but also really feeling funny.

"Oh God." the woman said and as Penny looked up at her, the woman pointed to Penny's crotch.

Penny still in pain, hadn't been able to notice anything else, but now she looked down, and noticed the blood stains forming on her light color Capri pants. Tears now started to come down her cheeks as she pitifully looked back up at the woman, "Please help me."