A/N: Another difficult chapter to write, since I am a guy it is hard to write what a woman would feel about loosing her baby, so I hope I don't offend anyone.

Chapter 32 - Then the Heartache

It was only ten minutes later when Penny fell asleep, the loss of blood and the surgery she went through making her weak and the emotional strain taking all her remaining strength away. Bernadette let her leave her embrace so she could go to sleep and pulled the blanket up on her, her empathy for her friend almost now making her cry too. She would have almost been able to hold back the tears, but she made the mistake of looking at Leonard, the man now standing against the wall his eyes glued to Penny, he looked so sad, like his life just ended. It was more than Bernadette could take, walking quickly to her husband to hold him and whimper on his shoulder.

Leonard's mind was jumbled with thoughts as he stared at Penny, without really seeing anything else but her, a feeling of guilt filling his soul as he thought about all that happened that day. He really wanted there to be a way to make everything right again, somehow start this day over, or even the last few months, but the more he thought the more he knew there was nothing he could do. He was so depressed right then he wasn't even sure he could face Penny when she woke up, his guilt so extreme that he could hardly stand to be there right now, much less try to tell her everything would be alright, when he knew in his heart it wouldn't. So like a man paralyzed he just stood looking at her, blaming himself for everything and not knowing what to do.

It was almost fifteen minutes later when Bernadette felt together enough to deal with Leonard, the second broken soul from this horrible situation. She was very concerned about him, he was still standing against the wall, in the same spot he was while Bernadette held Penny, and he still had the blank stare on his face. She needed to get him out of there, he needed to clear his mind, Penny could be a mess for a long time and he needed to be the strong one even though her condition was tearing him apart.

"Howie, we need to get Leonard outside of the gloom of this room while Penny is sleeping." Bernadette whispered to her husband.

"I don't think he will leave Penny." Howard responded.

"If no one bothers her, she is going to be asleep for a while, believe me she is spent. He needs to get fresh air and get it together, he is stronger than her right now." Bernadette watched as her husband nodded in agreement.

It took them a little while to do it but they did get Leonard out of the room and then took him to the door at the end of the corridor, that lead to an outside balcony. It was surprisingly warm for a January night in Los Angeles and Leonard walked immediately to the edge of the balcony to stare out into the night. Bernadette and Howard quickly following him to the railing edge, still concerned about him and what he would do, but Leonard had just stopped apparently to just look out at the city.

Leonard sensed more than saw them come to the rail on each side of him and it didn't really surprise him when he heard one of them talk. "Leonard, I know you are hurting, but you need to get it together before you go back in." Bernadette hated to brutally honest, but she was also having trouble handling all that was happening right then, too.

Leonard turned to Bernadette, "Penny doesn't want me."

"WHAT!" Bernadette almost shouted.

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard." Howard now chimed in.

"I agree. What makes you think Penny doesn't need you?" Bernadette followed her husband up with.

"Because she knows I'm the reason she lost the baby." Leonard said like a confession.

Bernadette just looked at him, "Why would you say that, what happened to Penny, Leonard." Bernadette or Howard didn't really know what happened that caused the miscarriage.

Leonard sighed and looked back at the city, not looking at either one of them while he spoke, "Penny fell while walking on the beach causing the miscarriage. She told me before she walks on the beach when things are bothering her and she needs to think. She also told me she didn't need to do that anymore since she now had me, but she was there anyway, so there could only one reason why she was there." Leonard now looked at Bernadette.

"You?" she said quietly

Leonard nodded, "She was on the beach because there was something about me she had to think about. I am the reason she was there, and because of that I am the reason she lost the baby."

"Leonard did she tell you that, you can't believe that." Bernadette tried to reason with him.

Leonard looked at Howard, "Did you tell her?" Leonard knew Howard told Bernadette everything.

Bernadette watched at Howard slowly nodded, then she turned back to Leonard. "Leonard you are not a monster."

Leonard looked back at her, a very sad expression on his face. "You could have said that this morning, but now, after Penny lost the baby, I am a monster, I caused the death of her baby." Leonard then just turned to look out over the city again.

Howard and Bernadette just looked at each other, neither of them knowing what to say to make things better. Silence descended quickly over the three friends, the awkward silence weighing heavy on Bernadette and Howard, Leonard seeming to be in a world of his own the whole time. There was only one problem, Bernadette was not that good when it came to patience, so she thought hard on how to distract Leonard and get him talking again.

"Leonard have you told Penny's parents she is in the hospital?" she knew she had gotten through to him when he turned to stare at her, in surprise.

"No, I…..I didn't even think of it. Crap!" Leonard then slowly started to rummage through his pockets for his phone, obviously ashamed.

"I got it, don't worry. I'll call them now." Bernadette got out her phone then jerked her head towards Leonard, so her husband could see and understand she wanted him to stay with Leonard, while she walked to the other corner of the balcony to call Penny's parents.

"Hey buddy, things will be okay, you'll see." Howard tried to comfort Leonard.

It did make Leonard look at him, but it provided no comfort, "Would you be alright if you were the cause of Bernadette loosing her baby?" he finally responded.

"I….." Howard just stared at Leonard as he stared at him back, until finally turning to look back over the city.

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It was now a couple hours after Penny's surgery when Amy got the text from Bernadette, it was short and concise, but Amy read it several times before she could bring her mind to believe it. She had been making tea, so after she finally consciously accepted the message was real, she just looked at Sheldon, sitting in his spot calmly watching TV, oblivious to the horrible news she had just read. Sheldon looked so peaceful she really didn't want to tell him, but what she wanted and what she had to do was two different things, so with a sudden burst of courage she took a deep breath and, "Sheldon."

Sheldon looked up at her, "Yes Amy."

As soon as he looked at her, Amy's courage started dissipating fast so she knew she had to just tell him quickly. "I just got a text from Bernadette. Penny is in the hospital, she lost the baby, she had a miscarriage." Amy then stopped talking to watch how he took it before she spoke again, worried because he just sat there staring at her, but with unfocused eyes.

Several minutes passed and Amy got more worried, this was not how she expected him to act, "Sheldon are you going to be okay?"

Sheldon's eyes seemed to focus back on her after she spoke. "Amy I need to go to the hospital."

Amy was a little stunned by his response. "Sheldon it is almost 9 PM, maybe we could go tomorrow."

Sheldon stood up, "I am going now, if you don't want to drive me, I will take the bus."

Amy was glad they both still had their clothes on as she did a double take at his determination, "No, I will take you, you know that."

Sheldon seemed to relax a tiny bit, "I know Amy, you are the perfect mate for me." he then gabbed his jacket and headed to the door.

Amy stood there a second, the word 'MATE' sticking in her mind, before she quickly recovered and grabbed her purse and sweater to follow him out the door.

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The hospital had a very liberal visitor policy, as long as friends and family were quiet and didn't disturb other patients or wear out the patient they were visiting, so they were allowed to stay as long as they or the patient wanted. There is was even a couch in the room that folded out to a bed so a friend or family member could stay the night with the patient if the patient wanted. Consequently Amy and Sheldon showing up just before 10 PM was not a concern to anyone in the hospital staff and they were immediately given directions to Penny's room.

Amy was a little surprised how sober the room seemed as her and Sheldon walked in and as she looked around she sensed that something was not really right. Howard, Raj and Bernadette where not talking and only nodded to them as they entered, and it was a few seconds before she noticed Leonard sitting in the corner, just staring at Penny's bed. A sudden chill went through Amy, making her quickly turn to an unmoving Penny, and making her stare at her friend until he was sure Penny was still breathing and still alive.

Sheldon, on the other hand, just looked at Penny as soon as he entered the room, it had been one thing for him to be told Penny had lost the baby, but seeing her now, it all became real to him. His mind kept repeating the baby is gone and the more he thought about it the more he began he to understand how important the baby had really meant to him. He had actually started to look forward to having a child, it would be his legacy to the world and he honestly thought it might be the only child he would ever have. He loved Amy, but he wasn't sure they would ever have a child and this child with Penny was there, real and alive, until just a few hours ago. Sheldon was really surprised about the empty feeling he now had, he felt like something had been taken away from him and it made him mad, so mad he needed to make his anger known.

"This is your fault" Sheldon said in a volume much louder than a whisper, staring at Leonard as he said it.

"Sheldon!" Amy and Bernadette said at the same time.

"It is your fault" Sheldon said much quieter, "If you hadn't come back, none of this would ever had happened."

Amy grabbed Sheldon trying to keep from waking Penny up, she was also afraid of what Leonard would do, the man was obviously distraught. While Amy tired to calm Sheldon, Bernadette stared at Leonard, the only thing that had moved was his head and he now looked at Sheldon with what she thought were tears in his eyes. Leonard now seemed to be only a shadow of himself and Bernadette was worried about him, especially with Sheldon now agitated and in the same room with him.

Bernadette looked at her husband and whispered, "We need to get Sheldon out of here." and received a nod from him.

However, no one had an idea what was going on in Sheldon's mind at that very moment and if they did they would have realized they were already too late. Sheldon had never been able to deal with emotions, his spending his whole life trying to suppress them being his way of dealing with a concept he had never been able to figure out or understand. However now the dam broke, he had never had such strong emotions hit him so hard, he had never lost a baby that he believed was his child, he was overwhelmed.

Sheldon's next words were more cutting, crueler and represented how he truly felt at the moment. "Why did you have to come back, everything was fine here without you." Sheldon now was talking way above his normal voice and with the sudden increased noise now in the room, Penny woke up and in just a couple moments she was lucent enough to hear the rest of Sheldon's tirade.

"You took my child away, you would never amount to anything so you had to take away from me, your better. You are just a jealous, useless, pathetic little man." The last part of Sheldon's admonishment was almost a shout. Everyone standing there speechless and in shock at all the emotion spewing from Sheldon's mouth, so when Penny started crying again from the commotion they were all stunned.

If you could capture that moment, this was the scene Erin Thompson walked in on, actually hurried into after she heard the loud voice from the hall. Erin was the hospital therapist for these situations and was just arriving to Penny's room from the request made earlier by Leonard to the doctor. Erin had been doing her job for over ten years, handling hundreds of grieving mothers and their families concerning their miscarriage and what she did know from her experience was that men arguing near a woman who just had a miscarriage was really bad. She just had to see the two men staring at each other, the taller one just finishing up yelling at the smaller and then look to the bed to see the patient in tears to know what she had to do, "You two… out!" pointing to the door as soon as the tall and short men looked at her.

Bernadette looked at Erin and saw she was hospital staff, she also knew she was right, Sheldon had woke Penny up and his shouting now at Leonard had Penny in tears. Bernadette looked at Howard, "Get them out of here."

Howard just nodded and gave Raj's shoulder a tap to have him follow him, as he got up and went to Sheldon, pointing at Raj to go to Leonard. "Sheldon lets go, you are upsetting Penny." Howard said almost in a whisper.

"I am not the problem here…..he is." Sheldon responded a little louder than Howard as he pointed to Leonard.

"Sheldon!" Amy now jumped in and yanking on her boyfriend's arm making him follow her out of the room. Raj was close behind pulling Leonard, but he never got him out the door.

Penny had seen Sheldon shouting at Leonard, she had felt that she had failed him, so Sheldon shouting at him just made her feel worse, it was just too much for her. "Leonard!" Penny cried out, she couldn't take it any longer, she physically hurt from everything that happened and her emotional pain was just too much for her to bare, she needed Leonard, she needed to be held by him, all she wanted in the whole world at that moment was to be in his arms, to take away her pain.

Leonard's head shot around, all doubt dissolving in that moment, Penny's pleading in calling his name being the only thing he could think of, his need to comfort her almost as desperate as her need to be comforted by him. So he turned and directly went to her, ignoring everyone in the room, then sitting on the edge of her bed and taking her into his arms. Penny just clung to him sobbing, pulling him tight as she could, like she was lost at sea and he was her lifebuoy. Leonard just held her and silently cried, trying hard to hold her without putting too much pressure on his poor damaged angel.

Erin just watched everything, not wanting to come in-between her patient and the comfort she was now getting from the short man, she had asked to leave just a minute before. Her patient had a death grip on the man, and Erin knew she would have to wait till this event was over before she could even talk to her. Erin needed to find out what was going on now and who each of these people were so she could determine how they would play in her patients recovery. The short blonde who was watching everything going on, just like her, seemed to be a good place to start to get information.

Erin moved closer to Bernadette and Bernadette looked up at her, so Erin whispered to her now that she was noticed, "Is that man the father?"

"He is Penny's fiancé, Leonard." Bernadette told Erin

The differentiation between father and fiancé was not lost on Erin, 'so this man in not the father' she thought. "Was the tall man just in here the father?"

Bernadette looked at Erin for a couple moments before she spoke, "We think so."

Erin thought about what she now knew, the man holding her patient was her fiancé, but not the father. The tall man, now outside the room could be the father, but they were not sure. "So you are saying there could be another man who could be the father."

Bernadette looked up again at Erin, again taking a moment, then nodding, "Yes, there is a slight chance the father is Leonard."

Erin looked back at the bed, her patient and her fiancé where still holding each other tightly, but her patient wasn't crying as hard, which was a good sign. Erin looked at Bernadette, and nodded towards Leonard, "That Leonard, her fiancé, right?" Bernadette nodded.

Out on the balcony, Sheldon paced, "Why did I have to leave and Leonard didn't."

"I don't know." Amy responded looking to Howard for help.

"Raj was suppose to bring him too." Howard answered confused, and a little bit angry.

Amy looked at Sheldon, "Sheldon, I'll check on what is going on. Please promise me you will stay with Howard." Sheldon just reluctantly nodded.

Amy walked back in Penny's room to see Leonard on Penny's bed holding Penny and Bernadette standing next to the hospital staff member. Amy didn't dare go up to Penny or Leonard, so she went to where Bernadette was standing. She walked softly not to disturb anyone, and as she got close to the two woman Amy started to hear their hushed conversation.

"When were they planning to determine paternity, after the child was born?" Erin asked Bernadette.

Bernadette looked up and said nothing, she knew Penny really didn't want to know, because she actually didn't want it confirmed it was Sheldon's. It actually was a desperate idea Penny had, to try and not admit to herself she was having Sheldon's baby, instead of Leonard's. But at the time Bernadette wasn't going to upset her more than she was already upset by trying to convince her otherwise. Now looking at this hospital staffer, Bernadette didn't really want to explain it to someone who was stranger.

The lack of anything being said let Amy join the conversation. "Penny didn't want to know whose baby she was carrying."

Erin turned to the woman she recognized from earlier, "Until it was born, right?"

Amy shook her head, "She didn't want to know, ever."

"That doesn't really make sense." Erin responded.

Amy just nodded, "There was a lot going on, it is a long story." Erin just stared at Amy waiting for more, but Amy said nothing.

Erin realized the two women where not going to say anymore, "Trying to hide to yourself who the father is, is not healthy, it is much better to find out and address it, much healthier."

Amy looked at the women, "You're a therapist, aren't you."

Erin nodded, "I'm here to help your friend….or relative."

Amy nodded, "best friends, besties."

"Yes, best friends." Bernadette added, "I called Penny's mother, she will be her tomorrow."

Erin was happy to hear that, "Good."

Amy stood there a couple seconds thinking about her next words, "I could determine who the father is, if the fetus is still being kept. All I need is a very small tissue sample."

Erin and Bernadette looked at her in surprise, Bernadette being the first to speak. "You can!"

Amy nodded, "I have all your DNA breakdowns from that blood you all gave me last year for my project, including Leonard's and Sheldon's. I do DNA comparisons all the time on Monkeys, we need to determine if they are genially related before any of my projects. If I just had a small sample of tissue from the fetus, I could compare in against Leonard and Sheldon tomorrow at my lab."

"The fetus is kept until the disposition is approved by the parents. Many first pregnancy committed couples want to bury the baby, no matter how small." Erin was still surprised at what this woman had said about doing a DNA comparison, "You have a lab? Who are you?"

Bernadette looked at the surprised therapist, "This is Dr Amy Fowler, Amy is neurobiologist at UCLA." Then as almost an afterthought, "I'm Dr Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz, I'm a microbiologist."

Erin was a little stunned at the two biologists, but completed the offered introductions, "I'm Erin Thompson, hospital therapist." If Erin said she wasn't impressed by the two woman next to her, she would be lying, impressed and a little intimidated. She was speechless for a couple of seconds until she remembered what they were talking about before the introductions. "We would need permission from the mother to do that."

Amy frowned, Penny probably still wouldn't want to know, then she thought of something. "Penny is probably too upset to give permission, would her next of kin suffice."

Erin knew exactly what Dr Fowler was hinting at, the mother didn't want to know but Erin knew it was better they did, "Yes she is very distraught, so the next of kin could authorize it."

Amy looked at Bernadette while still talking to Erin, "Well if you could get the paperwork, we could ask Leonard to sign it." Bernadette just nodded to Amy.