5. Comfort
"Saying all that I need to do or should be doing is easy and it takes the spotlight away from what I am not doing right now, which is an uncomfortable and confrontational feeling. Hiding behind the 'I should' makes us feel like we are almost doing it, but it is not the same as actually completing the task." — Malti Bhojwani, The Mind Spa: Ignite Your Inner Life Coach
The seconds and minutes following the kiss were some of the most uncomfortable ones Shikamaru had ever experienced, and he had to assume Neji felt the same way. Neither of them spoke. They retreated to their self-assigned side of the couch and immediately turned their eyes to the infomercial on the television. They didn't need to learn the health benefits of the diet pill on the screen, but they didn't want to talk about what just happened. The kiss. How could they have kissed? When did their dependency change and develop into some sort of attraction? Shikamaru tried to pinpoint the moment when he started liking the Hyuga, but he couldn't. And somehow, the feelings were reciprocated.
"Shikamaru," Neji began. He stopped after saying the man's name, as if whatever words meant to follow took too much energy. "I don't think we need to talk about what just happened."
"I think we do."
They glanced at one another, up until the point when Shikamaru sighed and angled his body to face Neji. One leg curled on the couch cushion and the other hanging over the edge of the cushion, Shikamaru waited for Neji to say something. He tried to decipher something from the man's facial features, but he couldn't-Neji had a poker face.
"This is such a drag," Shikamaru muttered. He knew exactly where to start, knew exactly what to say, but he couldn't force the words from his mouth. If things were easy, they would have both cooperated, but Neji didn't appear to want to discuss the matter; in fact, he refused. "Don't pretend it didn't happen." There was a sigh that followed.
"I'm not pretending it didn't happen. I don't want to talk about it," Neji frowned. He moved to the edge of the couch cushion and then got to his feet. Just as he turned to walk away, Shikamaru darted forward and grabbed the man's hand. They stood still, hands clasped, until Neji shook off Shikamaru's hold. "I don't have time for this."
"It's ten at night and it's still raining outside. What were you planning on doing? Sleeping?" Although Shikamaru used a joking tone, he meant his words. He meant to take the initiative, even if taking the initiative meant doing more work. He wasn't running away, because running away was absolutely exhausting.
"It was a mistake," Neji said, closing his eyes. By closing his eyes, he closed himself off. Shikamaru grunted in response and shifted on his feet.
"It was a mistake, huh?" Shikamaru chuckled, shaking his head. Afterwards, he tipped his head back and let out another laugh, a forced one.
"What about Temari?" Neji asks.
"I haven't seen her. What about Tenten?" Shikamaru returns.
"Don't ask."
Neji hesitated, but then he turned and went toward his bedroom. His bare feet made little noise on the carpeting, so the sound of his door closing echoed off the bare walls of their apartment. Shikamaru ran a hand over his hair and collapsed back onto the sofa. He sat there for another ten minutes, just listening to the infomercials, until he couldn't take the noise anymore. He grabbed the remote, turned off the television, and lay down on the sofa. He tried listening to the rain that picked up, the way it hit the outside patio and drummed against the windows, but he still heard the sound of Neji tossing and turning.
When the clock read midnight, Shikamaru finally got tired of listening to the rain, of hearing Neji tossing and turning. He sat up on the couch and then got to his feet. He walked toward Neji's bedroom and knocked on the door a couple of times, but Neji didn't answer. He grabbed the door handle, but the knob twisted from the other side and the door swung open.
"Can't sleep?" Neji didn't look like he wanted to see or speak to Shikamaru, but he still asked and he still stepped aside to allow Shikamaru entrance. In the darkness, neither one of them could make out their facial expressions. The only light, the light from the hallway light, filtered through the open door and dispersed, casting its light along the far wall. "I," he paused, "apologize for how I acted."
"There's nothing to apologize for," Shikamaru said, lips twisted for a deep frown. "You said what you felt. It was a mistake that you kissed me back."
"That's not what I-," Neji tried to explain himself.
"It's not what you meant? Then tell me what you meant, Neji. Did you want to kiss me? Did I force you?"
Shikamaru took a seat in the center of the double bed, his legs crossed and his arms loosely crossed. He took up a defensive position, closing himself off and building up an invisible wall. He felt as if he had forced Neji. And all the while, he remembered how it felt to have Neji's life in the balance, to be unsure of whether the Hyuga would pull through and live through the night. Being rejected hurt, but being told that something didn't happen, that something was a mistake, hurt worse. Shikamaru wanted to punch Neji, but that took far too much effort. He let his arms fall and moved to the right side of the bed, allowing Neji to take a seat on the left side.
"Why are you being so persistent?" Neji sat down and released a heavy sigh. He lay down on the bed and gathered some of the blankets around himself. For a second, he thought he might just ignore the questions and go to sleep, but avoiding the questions weren't what he wanted, and sleep rarely claimed him so easily. In the end, he didn't want to hurt Shikamaru. "You didn't force anything. I wanted the kiss."
"Then what the hell is the problem?" Shikamaru cursed, all of his frustrations layered into that one word.
"I'm engaged."
"W-what?"
Silence fell over the room, broken up by the sound of footsteps coming from the upstairs apartment. Shikamaru tried to process the words, the easiest of sentences, but he lost himself somewhere between the first word and the last word. Neji shifted around and freed his arms from under the blankets; Shikamaru remained perfectly still, his rigid posture like a tribute to his own inability to come to terms with Neji's admission. As if on cue, the air conditioner kicked on and a steady hum took over the entire room.
"Who is it?" Shikamaru swallowed, his mouth dry. He didn't know why the arranged marriage bothered him-no, he didn't know why he allowed it to bother him. "Is it someone from your clan?" Neji didn't look ready to respond, so Shikamaru continued. "Is it Tenten? It's her. You told me not to ask. You're engaged to her."
"Fine," Neji relented, looking up toward the ceiling as if for strength. "It's her."
He said so little, but he managed to say so much more. Shikamaru let out a bitter laugh, one born from the very pit of his stomach, and then he got to his feet. Pacing along the side of the bed, he tried to contain his sharp remarks, his biting retorts. Of course it was Tenten. Of course the fact that it was Tenten bothered Shikamaru. Why?
"Don't marry her," Shikamaru finally spoke, his voice low. He really needed a cigarette, just something to take his mind off the current subject, to burn the back of his throat and coat his tongue with sharp flavor.
"This is out of my hands. Hiashi-sama," Neji began, being cut off by Shikamaru's snort. "My clan," he tried again.
"Do you want to marry her?"
"I don't know. Do you want to marry Temari?"
"I don't know."
The two lapsed into another round of heavy silence. The air conditioner kicked off and the steady hum faded away. For a few minutes, Shikamaru wondered if Neji had fallen asleep, so he sunk back onto the side of the bed and leaned forward, his head in his hands. Somehow, over time, something had developed, and he had no clue had to get rid of the ties that bound him; sadly, he was unsure of whether the same ties bound Neji. Shikamaru chewed on his lower lip, his teeth rolling over the sensitive skin.
"Lie down, idiot," Neji said. His voice was just as low, just as tired, but he reached out to tug at Shikamaru's shirt. He fought the urge to drag the man down, to force the man to lie down and attempt to sleep.
Shikamaru turned to look over his shoulder, but he still couldn't make out facial features. He saw Neji tucked in, heard the man's tired voice, and Shikamaru couldn't help but comply. He turned down the blankets and slipped underneath. He had to bite his tongue to keep away from the subject, the one they'd only just put to rest, but he remained silent. Neji had broken free from his chains, but had he really? Shikamaru felt some obligation to settle down and start a family, to make his late parents proud, but what was it that he wanted?
"I think I'm falling in love with you," Shikamaru admitted, sighing.
Neji's soft snores were the only response.
A/N: Sorry it's so much shorter than the other chapters. This one was harder to write. Eventually, the rating on this story will change. Just a warning!