6. Chains

"I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?" — Stephanie Lennox, I Don't Remember You

Shikamaru stood in front of the bathroom sink and looked at the small scars adorning his chest and his abdomen. Some of the scars had stories, while others remained pure decoration. He wasn't an ugly man - the scars neither added nor detracted from his looks. Sighing, he ran his hand over the moisture slowly spreading out across the glass and cleared a small portion to see himself clearly. Everything looked the same. If he looked closely, he saw his younger self hidden beneath the bags under his eyes, disguised in his posture. When the mirror fogged up once more, he let his reflection fade into the background.

Tying the towel around his waist, he opened the bathroom door and went out to look through his dresser for some clothes. He had forty minutes left before he had to report to Kakashi, giving him plenty of time to grab something to eat and report to the partially reconstructed building serving as the Hokage Tower. He pulled out black pants, a black t-shirt, and his familiar flak jacket. Neji had already reported hours earlier, wearing something similar. Though he hated to admit it, he wanted more activity in his life, especially since his personal life was in shreds. He hadn't seen Temari since the week following the war, where she'd punched him in the chest and called him a moron.

Neji became the focal point, so Shikamaru had trouble imagining something beyond Neji. Before the war, if he'd been asked about his personal life, he would have shrugged and pointed to Temari. He would have been unconcerned and yet so wholly enveloped in the woman. She was smart, fiery, and every bit as driven as her Kazekage brother, Gaara. She fit in perfectly. His mother would have adored her, and his father would have clapped him on the back and told him how well he picked a woman. Instead, Shikamaru was left feeling desolate, his whole world in tatters. He had Neji. Was it really a choice or just something of convenience? He worried.

"Are you trying to be late?" Shikamaru muttered to himself, noticing the time on the television. He tossed his towel aside and dressed in the room. Neji had been gone for hours, assigned to yet another mission, so Shikamaru had a bit of privacy. He grabbed his towel and put it back into the bathroom, then he grabbed some cereal, but the milk had expired, so he ended up eating dry cereal and drinking juice. It was an unpleasant combination, but he had something on his stomach.

By the time he made it to the tower, he was twenty minutes late. He forced himself into a jog just to make it to the tower before everyone broke for lunch. Kakashi sat behind the desk, smiling, as he welcomed Shikamaru into the room acting as a temporary office. Shikamaru shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants and slouched, happy to have made it and even happier to relax.

"I see you're twenty minutes late," Kakashi smiled, seemingly amused.

"I crossed paths with a black cat," Shikamaru lied, trying to humor the man.

"So did I," Kakashi agreed and nodded his head. "You have a pick of missions today. We have D-rank missions assigned to every genin in the village, but we always have more to spare," Kakashi offered.

"No thanks," Shikamaru quickly replied.

"We have three C-rank escort missions," Kakashi tried once more.

"After the last one left me smelling like fish, I'd rather not," Shikamaru immediately declined, his tone not disguising his own boredom.

"A-rank it is," Kakashi announced, sliding a scroll across the desk toward Shikamaru. "Normally, I'd have you select a team for a mission of this caliber, but the request was for one shinobi." There was a heaviness to his voice then, trying to match the seriousness of the situation. "Read over the mission details. If you have any questions, now is your chance."

Shikamaru opened the scroll and read over the general information. He needed to escort someone from Konoha to Suna, and then back again. The more he read, the more details he absorbed. Before he even made it to the specifics, he knew. He had to escort Temari home and then back again. The total trip would last two weeks, and he'd have to spend every waking moment with the woman. Groaning, he closed the scroll and handed it back to Kakashi. He opened his mouth to ask if he had to accept the mission, but Kakashi only smiled. Even with the mask in place, Kakashi's smile was unmistakable.

"This is my escort?" Temari snorted.

"I'm always your escort," Shikamaru snapped. "It's like I can't escape you," he continued, already turning around to walk to her side. When he looked over his shoulder, he noticed that Kakashi had gone, most likely to avoid the impending conversation.

"I'm glad you're okay," Temari said, her voice low. "I tried looking for you, but with all of the patients," she trailed off, a deep frown marring her features, "and then Gaara needed me in Suna."

"I wasn't doing a great job finding you either," Shikamaru admitted, after a long pause.

Temari tucked a stray lock of hair behind her right ear and then shifted on her feet. For some reason, she refused to look him in the eyes, and he found himself feeling just as unsure. He didn't know how to approach the topic of where they'd left their relationship. They'd spent so much time together, and then they fell apart, as if nothing had happened. Shikamaru let out a lengthy sigh and slowly made his way over to her side. He placed a hand on her elbow and guided her out of the room.

She smelled like flowers, her scent overwhelming his senses. He couldn't pinpoint the exact flower, couldn't identify the fragrance, but he enjoyed the smell. The two of them walked side-by-side along the streets, her always maintaining her position at his side. When he stopped at his apartment building, he led the way up to his floor and opened the door to his apartment. She entered first, as he gestured for her to go inside, but she froze. Neji had Tenten straddling him on the sofa, her chest bare and her hair undone.

"Shit, I'm sorry!" Temari hurried through her words and immediately turned around, hiding her face in Shikamaru's shirt; meanwhile, Shikamaru openly stared at the scene. "Don't look! She's half-naked!" Temari tugged on his right arm, trying to force him to turn around, but he yanked his arm away.

"I guess the mission ended early," Shikamaru forced, a crooked smile plastered onto his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes, intent on remaining exactly where he stood. With no other option, Tenten fled into the bathroom to make herself decent.

"It did," Neji responded. "I'm sorry you had to walk in on this."

"You sound apologetic," Shikamaru snorted. He placed an unlit cigarette between his chapped lips and then tucked the rest of the pack into his pocket. He pulled out his lighter next, and touched the flickering flame to the end of his cigarette. He needed the inhale and the exhale, the taste and the feel of the cigarette. He felt himself withdrawing from the situation, distancing himself from what he'd just witnessed. "You could at least do it in your room. I have to sleep on that couch." He grunted then and went over to his dresser to collect his bag.

"My mistake." Neji narrowed his eyes at Shikamaru, but he didn't say anything else. He didn't want to get into an argument; he didn't want to give Temari the wrong impression. Smoking in the apartment wasn't really allowed, despite the fact that he'd caught Shikamaru smoking in the bathroom before.

"Come on," Shikamaru said, motioning for Temari to follow him into the apartment.

"I'll stay right here," she declined, slowly turning around to look at Neji. "I didn't know you two lived together. I stayed with Kankuro for a while before he started bringing women home at two in the morning," Temari scoffed.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru mumbled in agreement. He walked over to his things and began packing for the trip. He packed a change of clothes, ration bars, three soldier pills, and weapons. The black pack was small, compact for easier travel.

"You're going on a mission?" Neji sounded slightly offended, as if he'd expected to be the first to know, and he had expected such a thing. He couldn't pinpoint the reason why, so his question was a quieter one.

"I'll be escorting Temari to Suna and back. I should be gone no longer than two weeks," Shikamaru said. He put his pack on and it fit tightly to his back. "I'm sure you'll manage without me." Unsurprisingly, his cigarette had turned to ash, the flame having died out sometime during his packing. Shikamaru had to wonder if the tides had turned against him in such as fashion as to damn him three times within an hour span.

"That wasn't why I asked, but yes, I will manage," Neji scowled.

Temari seemed to sense the change in the atmosphere, so she reached out to grab the door handle and shut herself out in the hallway, allowing both of them a moment to share a private argument. At first, neither man said a word. They stared at one another, silently weighing the competition, as if they were back in their chunin exams all over again. The first one to react was Shikamaru. He grabbed one of the discarded couch pillows and tossed it back onto the couch, going as far as to fluff the pillow.

"Don't make this all about me," Neji started.

"I'm not in the mood to argue with you," Shikamaru sighed. "Just go back to what you were doing and leave me the hell out of it."

"It was just a kiss," Neji hissed, his voice low enough that the words remained between the two of them. After he spoke, Neji knew he'd made a mistake. Shikamaru straightened up and turned to leave, but then he turned back around. "What?"

"If you were half the genius you think you are, you wouldn't hide behind such a flimsy excuse and admit you're afraid that it was something more."

The truth laced between each and every word slapped Neji across the face, and he had no chance for a rebuttal. When Shikamaru finished speaking, he turned and left, slamming the door behind him. Shikamaru didn't need to collect Temari, as the woman was leaning against the opposite wall of the hallway, so he continued on and stomped his way down the stairs. It felt as if he'd lost something, but he was unable to put the feeling into words. When the blonde looked at him, he felt even more upset about the predicament he found himself in, so he remained silent.

It took the two leaving Konoha to loosen his tongue. He conversed with Temari about everyday things, such as past missions and the rebuilding process. He brought up Kakashi as the next Hokage. She mentioned that her brother was swamped with paperwork and that it was her responsibility to carry important paperwork between the two villages, mainly about their travel and trade agreements. Five hours later, after moving at a civilian's pace, they set up camp, and that's when Temari decided to open up about the things on her mind.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. You lost everything and I," she stopped, her eyes downcast. Between them, the fire cast shadows along one side of her face. "I wasn't there," she concluded.

Shikamaru could have gone forever without broaching the subject of his parents, his clan members, and his friends. He didn't want to think about the war. He didn't want the images surfacing all over again. And yet he thought about the war, and those images surfaced again. He wanted to blame Temari, to ignore her and crawl into his sleeping bag, but he knew that she was a stubborn woman, and they needed the conversation to occur before either one of them truly moved on.

Pursing his lips, he tipped his head back and looked up at the night sky. Cloudless and lacking of stars, the sky looked like a barren wasteland, a dark space with nothing but a sliver of moon to guide the way. He didn't know what to say to make both of them feel better about the past, but he had to say something. He had to diffuse the situation.

"I don't think I would have handled it too well," he said, slowly nodding at his own statement. "I was at a point where nothing mattered more than saving one person's life. I developed tunnel vision. I threw myself into work." He didn't know what else to add to the statement, because words weren't conveying the level of humanity he lacked during those times. "I wasn't in a good place."

"That's when I should have been there," Temari argued.

"I didn't want you there. I didn't look for you for a reason," Shikamaru interrupted her, not giving her the opportunity to continue with her words. "I had my life planned out and nothing has gone according to plan. I never thought about the possibility of another war. I never took into account that I would lose so many family members. I thought I'd be married young. I'd have children. I'd retire. If I didn't get the chance to retire, I'd die at a reasonable age. I didn't want any of this."

"None of us did," Temari said, finding something so very interesting in the fire. "I thought you would have proposed, at least, but then I considered you were lazy, so it'd take you a few more years." She smiled, a content expression on her face. She looked surprisingly soft, her normal expression retreating for something else to take over. Shikamaru had never noticed anything so feminine about the woman, so he openly stared at her, taken aback. "Stupid as hell, right?" She laughed then, and he swallowed hard.

Shikamaru wanted to grunt in reply, to mutter something unintelligible just to get through the moment; instead, he remained silent. His eyes roamed over her face, taking in the bright color of her eyes and the curve of her lips. She wasn't an ugly woman, not in any sense of the word, and she'd matured since the first time they met. Both of them had changed. They were both seventeen, both of them old enough to make their own decisions, and yet he didn't know why he moved over to her side of the fire. He didn't know why he placed his hands on her cheeks, his thumbs caressing her skin. He didn't know why he pressed his lips to hers.

A/N: This one was a little longer! Why do you think Shikamaru kissed Temari when he just admitted he thought he was falling in love with Neji?