I Still Love You, Like The First Time, a teen wolf fanfic

DISCLAIMBER: I don't own any of the characters, just plot.

It's been three years since Stiles and Derek finally confessed their feelings for one another. Two years since Stiles was diagnosed with Anterograde Amnesia.

He can't remember ever going to the hospital or remember why he had decided to keep a diary of containing every new memory he had made the day he wrote each entry. Although after reading the first entry knew why he had kept it.

/FIRST ENTRY/

Nov. 11, 2013

I went to the doctor's today with dad, because he said I've been acting strange for the last few weeks. At first I didn't know what he meant by strange, when my best friend is a werewolf and my boyfriend is one too. I mean 'strange' had become our new normal.

It wasn't until they did so many weird test, that I got worried because I kept reading November 11, 2013 be written on the papers that would become my file. I was confused because I had sworn it was January 8, 2013. It was until the doctor told dad I had Anterograde Amnesia, and explained what was happening to me.

I couldn't remember what I had done for Halloween, I love Halloween. I kind of freaked, for like a second, then, I thought maybe Derek and I weren't still together, but dad assured we were very much together. He said we even lived together now. It made sense, because when I had woken up this morning, I was in a place I've never seen before. I guess that was our house.

I made dad promise not to tell Derek about this. I don't want him to worry about me, besides the doctors said I could 'possibly' get better with time. I'm betting on it.

When I got 'home', I told dad to swing by every morning to make sure I read the journal I would be keeping. I didn't want to freak out again like today, or have Derek finding out. I had a little fun looking around at our things in the house and going through things that obviously were Derek's. I think I was enjoying myself to much finding things I never thought he'd own. For example, the dildo, or was that mine? When Derek got home and found me digging through a drawer he was mad for a bit.

Note to self, Derek when mad is still kind of scary. Some things just never change I guess. I drowned him in questions that night. I've missed so much of our lives together, and I wanted to know everything we did. I was just happy he wasn't annoyed so quickly, I guess I must do this to him a lot if he's used to it. It's kind of cute.

Over all I think my day was good.

P.S. Derek found the dildo lying around on the bed, and let's just say I know who it belongs to now. Me.

/END OF FIRST ENTRY/

Every entry, after the first one, started out the same, "Hello me, it's a new day. So, don't forget to tell Derek how much you love him. He leaves for work early in the morning, and comes home around 3pm. He likes to be greeted with a kiss." Before it proceed to tell him what had happened the day before, some of them made him laugh, others made him cry, and others just made him wish he could remember. It would be nice to remember these sweet moments with Derek.

He heard the door swing open, and heard laughter. Before he could get further in the journal, he got up from the bed and went to go see who it was. It was too early for Derek to be home, according to the journal, he got at home at 3pm not 1:23pm. "Derek?" Stiles called out as he left the room and ventured down stairs. If Derek was home early maybe they could go out, or do something fun.

When Stiles walked into the living room he saw Derek and a woman kissing, holding her like he once held him. With one hand tangled in her hair and the other at her waist, pressing their hips together. "Derek?" Stiles said the hurt in his eyes evident to the two. "Stiles, what are you doing here?" Derek said as he moved away from the beautiful brunette. "I-I… I don't know, I woke up at my dad's and I wanted to come home… b-but I think I came at a wrong time." He said as he lowered his head to hide the tears that had fallen. "Stiles it's not what you think," Derek said as he moved to get closer to Stiles, but he only ended up moving away from Derek as he gripped tightly to the journal in his hands. "I have to go," Stiles said as he brought his hand up to whip away the tears as he ran out of the living room. "Stiles, wait!" Derek yelled as he took off running after him.

Being werewolf, Derek caught him in no time at all. "L-Let go of me!" Stiles cried as he squirmed in Derek's hold but it was no use, he only tightened his grip on him until Stiles gave up. "Stiles, I'm sorry." Derek said as he buried his head in his lover's neck. "H-How could you do this to me? After everything we've been through, how could you?" Stiles cried as he stood there helplessly as he was held by Derek. "You shouldn't be mad; I took your advice and found someone to satisfy my needs." Derek said as he pulled away from Stiles.

"You're blaming me?!" Stiles yelled mad. He was hurt and furious, what kind of lame excuse was he just getting just now? "I would never tell you to cheat on me! Never!" Stiles yelled before pushing Derek's hand away from him when it tried to grab him again. "Stiles," Derek said but Stiles just cut him off and said, "Don't you Stiles me! Didn't you think of me? Huh? Do I not matter to you anymore?! Derek, why did you do it?" Stiles didn't know what he expected Derek to say but it wasn't what left his lips after that.

…

"Stiles, I think you and I stopped loving each other a long time ago." Derek said as he looked down. It was true, to Derek, Stiles had stopped caring. He didn't know what had happened to his Stiles, but whatever this was he never loved it. This Stiles he had been with for a year or two, had stopped remembering their anniversaries, when Stiles used to make a huge fuss about their first kiss, their first time, their first I love yous, their first everything. Stiles used to like to celebrate it with gifts and cake, even though it bothered Derek to hell with how he did silly little things like that, but it was what he loved about him.

But recently Stiles seemed not to care about it anymore, and had silently reduced himself to the same routine every day. Even their sex life had died out, and he could remember the fight they had. And yeah, maybe Derek had made a big deal about that dying out, when Stiles used to be so willing.

Then there was that time Stiles was gone for a week, without a word. He could remember how crazy he had gone that week looking for him until he finally came back, and despite how angry he felt at how Stiles had walked through that door with a happy grin. He had forgiven him because he loved him. He didn't want to fight, he was just glad he was home.

It was from that point Derek noticed, Isaac and Deaton coming around the house more often. Almost every morning to have breakfast with Stiles, and that had stirred the feeling of jealousy in him but then again he reminded himself, that at night, Stiles slept with him and not them and he felt better. It got annoying when Isaac started coming by himself. Most morning's he was reluctant to leave Stiles, but Stiles seemed keen on urging him to go to work. At first it was sweet, getting kissed and told to go provide for his family but then it just felt like Stiles was trying to get rid of him.

Derek started noticing the way Stiles would always be holding that journal, he often wondered what was in it, but then every time he would try sneak a peek or ask, Stiles would go crazy. And it was that same journal being thrown at his head when he told Stiles, it was over.

"Keep it! I wouldn't want to remember anyways!" Stiles yelled before storming off, Derek could smell the tears but what was he to do? Derek sighed as he picked up the journal, brushing the dirt off before heading back home to the woman.

…

After the encounter with Stiles, his sexual appetite had vanished. He had turned a cold shoulder on the woman and promptly kicked her out of his house. Derek found himself sitting at the table in front of the object that Stiles had so angrily thrown at him. So many times he had asked him about it and never had gotten a straight answer, but now Stiles wasn't there stopping him from opening it. When another minute or two had passed on by, Derek finally opened the darn thing.

"November 11th 2013," He read out loud before figuring, "This must be Stiles' diary." No wonder Stiles had always gotten upset when he touched it or asked. This journal held Stiles most inner thoughts. It didn't feel right to read it, so he closed the book and shoved it away from himself.

Curiosity, led Derek to open it again. He figured, if this really was Stiles diary then certainly there was proof of Stiles strange behavior. The thought of there possibly being something about another man, made Derek's heart painfully skip a beat. "November 11th 2013," he re-read before continuing on to the body of the page. His eyes skimmed over the words as he read in silence.

A frown had set on Derek's face and his insides coiled in guilt. Anterograde Amnesia? Since November of 2013, Stiles has been dealing with this on his own? He couldn't help but feel mad and hurt towards Stiles, but mostly with himself. He knew something was wrong, but he had believed Stiles when he said everything was fine. And like an idiot he trusted those words and never asked John or anyone else.

He flipped the page angrily reading on through every journal entry since then. Reading through them was a roller coaster of emotions. He remembered every single event, from their arguments to their happier moments. 'Summer's are the best. Especially, when your werewolf boyfriend buys you a kiddy pool and joins you in it.' He had to admit that one made him chuckle. He had to agree with him on that. That hot summer day had been one of their more relaxing days and more enjoyable.

He could remember they were supposed to have a family grill night at John's. Lydia, Scott, and Allison where home from college, so Chris and John thought it would be nice to have a little get together. He and Stiles had been sent to get some forgotten lemons, for Melissa's famous lemonade, and charcoal for the grill. When Stiles had commented on how hot it was in the store, just as they were headed to the registers. He had lost Stiles when turning the corner of the isles only to run back and see him with a small plastic pool hollered over his head and a huge grin on his face.

/FLASHBACK/

"Aww come on, Derek, it's hot!" Stiles whined when Derek told him to put it back.

"No, Stiles. We only came what we NEEDED." Derek said putting more emphasis on 'needed'.

"But I need it to cool down," Stiles said as he hugged the pool, "If you buy it for me I'll even let you sit in it with me."

"Gee thanks," Derek couldn't help but say sarcastically.

"I don't hear a no," Stiles giggled as he marched towards the registers.

"Fine, you win." Derek said catching up to Stiles only to place a kiss to his lips and earning a blush from Stiles.

"Hey! Not in public!" Stiles said as the blush on his face darkened.

/END OF FLASHBACK/

He flipped through the book only to find an entry that further built his guilt.

/JOURNAL ENTRY/

April 15 2014

I feel like crying! How can you feel like today is the best day ever and the worst all at one? Today, Derek came home early. He said it was a half day, or something like that. Anyways, I was really happy to spend time with him and cuddle together on the couch while watching tv. Whenever I would look at him I couldn't help but feel like for the first time I was realizing how much I loved this man sitting beside me. How perfect and amazing he really was to me. Nor could the unexciting filter within me avoid from telling him.

It was so embarrassing! Me, Stiles Stilinski, told hot stuff Derek perhaps the most lame and corniest thing I could ever come up with. Of course the only reaction I got was a smile. I couldn't tell if he was happy or secretly mocking me. But I think maybe it was that he was happy, maybe. Because he pushed me down onto the couch and we made love. Beautiful, full of mutual emotions, sex.

God, this is the first time I've had sex with him! Or is it? I never knew that love was the key ingredient to make you the whole experience so precious and beautiful. I don't think I've ever felt so loved and appreciated like that. I can still feel his touches lingering on my skin, his warm kisses gracing my neck, and arms holding me so gingerly. I felt like my body was the very temple he worshiped with all his being. For that moment the outside world didn't exist, only he and I did. I wonder if that's how it feels every time. I felt like an idiot just repeating 'I love you' over and over again.

But I was afraid. Afraid that if I had fallen asleep I wouldn't have been able to record this in the pages of my memories. I want to remember every bit of it, even if it is a brief subject within my entry. I just want to make sure, that I experienced something beautiful and magical with the one I love.

This moment also made me believe how much I hate it. I hate lying to him. I felt like crying, then and there, and telling Derek everything. Why can't I just do it? Let him know I'm not okay, that I need him more than ever. But I can't bring myself to do it. I can't ask Derek to give up his job and dedicate his whole life on me. I don't even know if I'm ever getting my memories back. It's frustrating enough on me, I can't let that spread to him.

/END OF ENTRY/

April of 2014 had been the first time Stile believed they had shared intimacy. It hurt and made Derek's heart sink, because Derek knew that wasn't true. April 15, had been the last time they had ever made love. It had been around that time Derek had started believing that their relationship and his Stiles were not on good bases. That bad been when Derek had stopped lying to himself and started accepting Stiles was behaving differently.

Like a machine, Stiles was operating out of routine. A kiss when he would return from work. Almost the same meal every evening. The same jittery behavior when it was time for bed. The conversations had shortened and their contact. Derek had always thought it was because Stiles had stopped caring, and was determined to stop doing what Derek had so many times before asked him to stop. He didn't want to lose everything they had worked for, so he had held so desperately to this relationship for months before he had confronted Stiles.

/FLASHBACK/

Derek had come home only to find Stiles already waiting for him by the door, as usual. "Welcome home, Derek," Stiles said as he leaned in to press a kiss to Derek's lips.

Before Stiles lips could get in contact with his, Derek placed his hand over them successfully stopping his movement. "Stiles, we need to talk."

"Talk?" Stiles said innocently, which didn't serve to help Derek's temper. "What about?"

Derek didn't know if Stiles feigned ignorance or just frankly didn't know. "About us, and how our relationship has been progressing," He said as he dragged Stiles towards the couch.

"Is there something wrong with our relationship?" Stiles asked as a frown appeared on his face, "I thought we are good? Did I do something wrong?" He asked. Perhaps there was something he had forgotten to write in it, and maybe that was why Derek was so upset.

"It was Stiles," Derek said taking a seat on the coffee table across from Stiles, "But lately, things haven't been good. I mean, you've changed a lot Stiles. You don't do a lot of the things you used to do, you just stay here and follow the same routine every day."

"I don't understand, I'm doing everything that I usually do," Stiles said as he clutched the journal tightly on his lap. Wasn't he? Everything that he had written down and read was no different from what he had been doing today.

"Yes, Stiles you do, but you're doing less and less of it each day. And that's not the Stiles I know. You don't even want me to touch you, you're all jittery every time I try to get to close." Derek said recalling the times he's tried to engage in a little groping.

Stiles couldn't help but yell, "Sex? You're upset over not getting enough?" He was scandalized. How could Derek judge him? They've only had sex once…right? It was beautiful, according to the entry, but what if he was jittery? He loved Derek, and knowing they had sex before was a little too much for Stiles to process and try and do it again. He wanted to do it, it's just he got so nervous and embarrassed he just could help himself.

"It's not just sex!" Derek had yelled back in frustration. Maybe sex was something that truly bugged him, when before Stiles had just of a big sexual appetite as Derek, but that had vanished now. It only made Derek suspicious of Stiles reason.

"No, this is about sex!" Stiles counter said before adding, "If you're so desperate find someone to please you, 'cause I won't be doing it with you ever again! I'm not a toy Derek! Sex isn't a priority to me, why can't you understand that? All I want is to be with you." He said before getting off the couch and marching out of their house, slamming the door behind him.

/END OF FLASHBACK/

It had been one of their stupidest arguments, yet. But it had affected him a lot more than he was willing to admit for. The furniture of their living room still had a new furniture smell to it, and not so much their joined smell. Not that Stiles had bothered to notice or comment on. Like before, Stiles had come home the next day with a big smile on his face and seeking to cuddle Derek.

He had thought it was Stiles way of making amends, but Derek wasn't very convinced. He was too upset to easily forgive Stiles that time. But he hadn't minded the little attention Stiles was giving him. Stiles scent and presence had always had a strange way of soothing him.

In the end, he had taken Stiles words to heart after seeing that Stiles had not done a thing to change their falling apart relationship. He hadn't wanted anything serious with the woman Stiles had caught him with. After all, he still loved Stiles but he did need to relieve himself. It had been the biggest mistake he had ever made.

When he reached the last page of the journal he closed it. Stiles, hadn't meant what he said, he knew that now. Stiles, also didn't remember it. For two years, Stiles has been living a repeat of a day, while the rest of the world kept moving on without him. Isaac, Deaton, and John all had known of Stiles illness that's why they had been here. They were helping Stiles keep tabs of the life with him. When all this time he thought Stiles was perhaps cheating on him.

He needed to see Stiles, fix things before they were too late. He needed to make things right, and make sure he didn't lose the one person who's been faithful and loyal to him. Derek stumbled out of his seat and rounded the table. But the sounds of chirping made him halt from further movement and turn towards the windows.

It was morning.

He had been fixated on the contents of the journal that he had not noticed he had spent most of the whole night reading everything. "Stiles!" Derek gasped in realization. No, he couldn't lose the one thing he loved the most.

He rushed out of the house with keys in hand, and rushed his way to the Stilinski house. He couldn't help but repeat over and over, almost in a chant, 'Please, Stiles can't forget yet.'

….

Stiles had walked down stairs from his room with a white piece of paper in hand and a sad smile on his face. "Dad? I-I'm over him right?" He asked as tears escaped him.

John had been sitting at the table drinking his coffee, when his son walked in looking in the worst shape he's ever seen him in. Was he over the Hale? Probably not, but Stiles had made him promise him to lie when morning came. But how could he lie to his son? The boy was already doing that to himself to assure himself that he would not go seek Derek and question him. "I-…" John began before sighing and just nodding his head.

"O-Oh," Stiles said quietly before bringing his hand up to whip his tears. He was over Derek, he had to be and if he wasn't he was going to learn to be. Somethings just don't work out, he supposed they were one. Still, he couldn't help but feel like the freshly made wound, and the thought of it stinged.

Stiles was just headed back to his room when the front door swung open. "Derek?" Stiles said with a frown. What was he doing here?

"Stiles, I'm so sorry," Derek said as he made his way towards Stiles and pulled him into a hug.

Sorry? What the hell was Derek going on about? "S-Sorry about what buddy? You haven't done anything," Stiles said with a half hearted-chuckle. They were friends, not lovers anymore. He had to remind himself before he could hug the werewolf. Instead he pulled away from him and said, "Did you have a fight with your girlfriend? Or did you guys leave me out of a meeting? I swear you guys always do this to me!"

Derek couldn't help but frown as he was pushed from Stiles. No, he couldn't be late. Stiles couldn't have forgotten yet. He noticed John walk out of the dining room and lean against the wall, giving him an apologetic look.

"He forgot, son."

Stiles looked towards his dad wondering if that was directed towards him or not. He saw his dad directing an apologetic gaze his way, and assumed it was for him. His dad must have told them to not invite him, he concluded. "I'm going to bed, you guys need to make this up to me for forgetting to invite Stiles to the meeting!" he told Derek before heading upstairs.

When Stiles was upstairs and the door of his room was closed, John looked at Derek and handed him the letter Stiles had been holding.

Derek reluctantly took it and looked down on it.

'June 10 2015

On November 11 2013 I went to the doctor's with dad, because he said I've been acting strange for the last few weeks. At first I didn't know what he meant by strange, when my best friend is a werewolf and my boyfriend is one too. I mean 'strange' had become our new normal.

I kind of freaked, for like a second, then, I thought maybe Derek and I weren't still together, but dad said we had not been dating since June 10 2013. Derek and I broke up, it's been a while now but I'm over him.

He has a girlfriend now, and I'm happy for him. Now, I want to go back to school after my year off. This time I want to and get a degree in Biochemistry and become a researcher! Dad said I should start applying if I plan on going to Yale. He's right, Yale only has certain openings, and so I better start studying!'

"I don't think he wants to remember this time Hale," John said with a small sigh.

"He has too remember, I can't let him turn me into a long lost memory because of what didn't happen." Derek said as he crumbled the paper in his hands. Stiles couldn't forget him, not like this not ever.

…..

Stiles couldn't help but let the tears run down his cheeks as he sat fetal position against the door. Out of all the days that his memory decided to stop this torture. It had to be today. Oh, what he would give to forget seeing Derek with that woman. He had to force himself to forget, even if feigning ignorance helped him along the way. He needed to forget.

"Stiles…" he heard Derek's voice come from somewhere in the room. He hadn't heard the window slide open, but he assumed his sobbing had covered the sound of it.

"G-Go away," Stiles cried out through his sobs, not wanting to look up at the alpha scared that if he did his charade would be over.

"Stiles, you have to read this," Derek said as he placed the journal at Stiles feet. "We aren't over Stiles, I still love you. I'm just really sorry that I didn't know what was going on… I just assumed you stopped loving me and had started seeing someone else." He said. When he didn't get an answer from him he just went on, "Its stupid isn't it? Because I doubted you, I did something I shouldn't have. I brought a woman to our home, but I swear nothing happened. But it doesn't change the fact of what I intended to do that day. You might not remember, but I really am sorry. I regret what I did, and I can't tell you how much guilt I feel. And how much it pains me to know you don't even remember enough to fully forgive me."

"I-I remember…" Stiles sniffled into his folded arms.

"What was that?" Derek in disbelief and a little surprised. Did he really hear what he thinks he heard?

"I said I remember!" Stiles said finally looking up from his sheltered place to glare at Derek. "But I wish I didn't..." He said in a much sadder tone as he lowered his gaze from Derek.

"Stiles, I'm really sorry you have to know that," Derek said as he scooted closer to him and let his hands reach for Stiles. "I don't want to lose you, Stiles."

"I hate that I've been loving you like it was the first, and that you doubted me…" Stiles cried as he let Derek pull him into his arms before adding, "But I hate that I can't stop loving you, no matter how hurt I feel. I still love you, so, so much."

"I love you too, Stiles." Derek said as he wrapped his arms tightly around Stiles. Afraid if he let go, he'd really lose him. "Does that mean you forgive me?" He couldn't help but ask as he placed a kiss to his head.

"Yeah," Stiles said with a small sigh as he let himself rest against Derek, "Yeah, I forgive you."

Derek pulled Stiles away before leaned down to capture his lips in a soft kiss, one he was glad Stiles reciprocated.