11. Kisses
"You kissed me that morning as if you'd never done it before and never would again, and now I write another letter that I will never dare to send, collecting memories of loss like chains wrapped around my veins, and if you see a fire from the shore tonight it's my chains going up in flames." — Charlotte Eriksson
His arms crossed behind his head, Shikamaru slowly made his way back toward his apartment. The sun had set hours ago, casting the village into darkness. Electricity had been supplied to some buildings, while others still temporarily relied on candlelight. The lack of harsh lighting only brought out the starlight. He'd never counted so many, never seen such beauty, and every night he felt the same. He reached his apartment building without incident, but he lingered outside. During his private moment, he heard two people approaching from his right side. His instincts told him to remain on guard, that he was still a shinobi. That's when Ino and Sai emerged from the shadows, and his guard faltered and fell away. Ino looked incredibly intoxicated, while Sai looked like the sober escort. The two men looked at each other until Shikamaru eventually nodded. Sai took a moment or two to comprehend what the nod meant, but he eventually helped Ino into the building.
"Some of us handle things differently," Chouji spoke, announcing his own arrival.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why have you been avoiding me?" Shikamaru sounded hurt, even to his own ears, and he couldn't stand the sound. He wanted to disappear to Suna and rebuild himself, to reconstruct his life in a way he saw fitting.
"You didn't need this on top of everything else." Chouji looked down at the ground, where he'd dug in the toe of his left sandal. "Did you want to be the one carrying her home at all hours of the night? She's at that bar for hours. She's on a leave from the hospital over this. I couldn't drag you down too. You're my best friend."
"Yeah, and you're mine," Shikamaru smiled, though the expression didn't quite reach his eyes. He didn't know how to explain that he was leaving, but he had to find the words. He had to say something. The anxiety clawed at him from the inside. "I'm leaving for Suna tomorrow," he tried. "I'll be a liaison, a representative for the Leaf." He wanted to sound proud, or at least official, but he failed twice. He sounded tired.
"You're going for good?" Chouji sounded hurt then, but the hurt was expected. Shikamaru sprung the move on everyone, including himself. Slowly, Shikamaru shook his head. No, not for good. "How long will you be gone?"
"I'll be there a majority of the time. I'm required to be here one week of every month." Shikamaru slouched, trying his best not to appear eager, trying his best to let the gravity of the situation weigh on his shoulders. "It's not goodbye," he stressed, a frown appearing on his face.
"It may as well be," Chouji said. "I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but aren't you rushing? What about your lands? What about your apartment? What about your friends?" Chouji was too grown up. Without a bag of chips in his hand, Shikamaru had trouble dealing with him.
"I've considered every avenue and this is for the best. I'll care for the deer when I'm here. Neji will maintain the apartment. I'll still be your friend, Chouji, just mostly long distance. We've been through worse, haven't we?" Looking at Chouji caused his stomach to ache, but Shikamaru didn't know what else to say or do to put his friend at ease. They were parting ways. For the first time, they weren't going to be just a short travel apart. A vast ocean of sand would separate them.
"If this is what you want," Chouji trailed off, implying his understanding and his support.
"Thanks," Shikamaru replied, a lopsided smile in place.
The two of them soon parted ways, Chouji leaving for his clan compound and Shikamaru for his apartment. The journey upstairs seemed like a long one, as if there were new staircases added in during his absence. Faced with the sudden adversity, Shikamaru didn't know why he chose to stay at the apartment again rather than going with Temari. And yet, that meant never seeing Neji. Staying with Temari meant leaving things at an awkward, unresolved end. It wasn't really an ending at all, in his mind. Outside of his apartment door, he raised a fist to knock, but the door swung open and Neji stepped aside to welcome him inside. In hindsight, knocking seemed silly.
"Yo," Shikamaru greeted, falling prey to his own awkwardness. Neji smiled though, and he nodded his head in response. Rubbing at the back of his head, Shikamaru waited until Neji closed the door before slowly moving toward the couch.
"You're staying with me," Neji interrupted, taking one of Shikamaru's hands and guiding the man toward the bedroom. Shikamaru saw Tenten, heard Tenten, and smelled Tenten. He wanted to go back to his couch and forget. "She wasn't in here," Neji said, reading the expression on Shikamaru's face.
"But I heard-" Shikamaru began.
"Don't make tonight about her. I'm not making tonight about Temari," Neji said. Neji looked at Shikamaru as if looking right into the man's soul. Neji knew. Without revealing anything, without any hints, Neji knew that Shikamaru and Temari had been intimate. And it made Shikamaru feel incredibly uncomfortable and, if he admitted it to himself, guilty. "Come to bed," Neji requested, stepping toward Shikamaru to place a hand on the man's cheek.
"Come with me first."
They ended up on their little balcony, each seated at the small table there. Shikamaru pointed out constellations, while Neji hummed in response. Neji knew the constellations, but he reveled in hearing Shikamaru speak. He could have listened for hours. When Shikamaru quieted down, Neji moved their seats closer together and tangled his fingers with Shikamaru's. They sat like that for some minutes, until Neji leaned in and their lips brushed. Shikamaru wished they were different people, wished they were in a different place, but their situation ended in the same way. Neji wasn't ready. Shikamaru refused to wait on an impossibility. With some renewed vigor, Shikamaru turned and captured Neji's lips again, the kiss deeper and rougher than the last.
He tasted like the tea he'd only just consumed, while Shikamaru tasted of berries. They were an odd pair, truth be told, and yet they fit together perfectly. Maybe it was their perfect fit that had them stumbling backwards, lips still locked, toward the bedroom, or maybe it was just something long overdue. They removed clothing as they moved along, leaving vests and shirts behind, and Shikamaru wasted no time exploring the creamy flesh his advances revealed. He nipped and sucked at Neji's exposed neck, and left kisses along the man's collarbones. Neji raked his fingertips along Shikamaru's shoulders and down, lower and lower. They tangled their bare legs together, their erections brushing against one another, until they eased onto the bed.
"What are we doing?" Neji seemed to come out of the haze first, but Shikamaru kissed him and pulled him right back under again. Shikamaru dipped a hand between them and gave Neji's cock a little tug, which elicited a little gasp and a moan. "There's," he stopped, his breathing uneven, and pointed to the bedside table.
When Shikamaru moved away to examine the drawer of the bedside table, he discovered lube. It was an awkward moment that made him wonder if Neji had bought it, if Tenten had bought it, or if it had just magically appeared for the evening. He wanted to ask, to venture into another argument, but Neji knew. Neji drew his attention away by pulling him back over and placing gentle kisses along his chest and down his stomach. Neji's lips passed over Shikamaru's most obvious feature and left burning trails of kisses down to Shikamaru's thighs. Don't ask. That's what the kisses said. Please, don't ask. And Shikamaru obliged.
Shikamaru wasted no time taking both cocks in his hand and rubbing them, the lube making them slick and warm. Neji looked at him with half-lidded eyes, and all Shikamaru wanted was for him to moan, to groan, to cum while shouting out Shikamaru's name. He wanted to mark Neji. He wanted to own Neji. Shikamaru wanted to love and be loved. And that's what drove both of them. When Neji did cum, he cried out, but not Shikamaru's name, yet somehow, that was okay. Their entire lovemaking process made sense.
Neji allowed Shikamaru to take him, and Shikamaru obliged. Tight. Awkward. New. Every word that flew through his mind was muted, eclipsed by the fact that it would be their first and only time together. And he enjoyed every second. When Shikamaru came, he saw Neji beneath him. He saw the man's disheveled appearance. He saw someone amazing, someone worthy of love, of whatever the man desired. And if he wanted Tenten, then Shikamaru would have to survive. Tenten could never elicit such sounds, such moans and pleas, and he cherished that fact as he pulled Neji into a heated embrace. Before they succumbed to sleep, their insomnia temporarily assuaged, Neji cleaned them both up, his light strokes more than enough to make Shikamaru question if he could somehow make it work. What if. What if he stayed in Konoha? What if the two of them snuck around behind Tenten's back? He would have been second best. He would have been sulking in the shadows. He would have been left to want and want, while Neji started a whole life, a whole world, with Tenten.
"I love you," Shikamaru said, his voice deeper and filled with exhaustion.
"I love you too," Neji murmured.
And he did.
The following day, Shikamaru made sure he was the first to wake up, and he placed a lingering kiss upon Neji's brow. Neji reached out and grabbed onto Shikamaru's arm, "I don't want you to go. What can I do to make you stay in Konoha?" They stared at one another for a long time, just holding a silent conversation. Their talk always went back to leaving Tenten, and Neji always refused. He made up excuses that didn't even make sense. Except for when he finally revealed the truth.
"It's me or Hinata," he sighed, releasing his hold on Shikamaru. "I get an arranged marriage or she gets an arranged marriage. I can't do that. She loves Naruto."
"Defy your clan. You aren't caged anymore, Neji." The words were harsh, but Shikamaru held no regrets. He wanted to hate Hinata, to blame the future clan head for every problem befalling them, but it would have been just as easy to blame Tenten. Shikamaru didn't like the ugliness Neji seemed to bring out. "There's nothing you're willing to do," Shikamaru finally said. Neji's excuse, his reasoning, the purpose that drove their problems, made sense, and yet his words didn't. Wasn't love enough? Apparently not.
"Shikamaru," Neji tried, getting to his feet. But Shikamaru just leaned in and pressed their lips together, silencing all the words Neji had yet to say. Their time together had come to an end, but they both needed one last kiss, one last thing to savor when reality set in. "I love you," Neji spoke, breathless.
"I know," Shikamaru smiled sadly.
Neji walked with him to the door, and then the two stood there. There should have been words, gestures, or a special kind of silence to signify their last moment as something more than friends, but there wasn't. Neji pressed his forehead against Shikamaru's, and then the two of them parted. Shikamaru had never been very good at goodbyes, and that was the hardest one yet.
A/N: I really should have warned about the sex scene, but I did warn people before AND I upped the rating! Anyway, this isn't the last we'll see of Neji. Next Chapter: Simplicity. It should be out sometime later this week. (I'll also send reviewers tiny previews of the chapter, if anyone wants a preview.)