A/N: Sorry its been forever, real life can do that but wanted to get this chapter out to y'all for being super patient! Thanks so much to GreenHat and TimelessMystery for being wonderful betas and as usual I do not own South Park, all rights reserved to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

II. Cartman- FALL

In which Cartman might need help...seriously...

"C'mon, Windy, we kicked ass tonight!"

"Well excuse me for worrying about you getting us disqualified!"

"Seriouslah? Yah know those assholes were using their phones to look up shit when the moderator wasn't looking, right?"

"Did you really have to call them 'cheating Jew-rats' though?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I just call it like it see it," I shrugged with a groan as I leaned against the bus window, watching the blurs of the Friday night traffic because of course the first tournament of the year just had to be out in fucking Aurora. I'm surprised that I didn't just pass out as soon as I sat down on the bus since we're going to be back there in the morning too.

Why am I losing sleep by doing the debate team and football? Let's just say that anyone who knows me knows just how seriously I take my bets. Then again, it's not like I'm getting good sleep anyway. These bogus nightmares have now become an even bigger bitch than Kyle's Mom and Hillary Rodham Clinton combined into a super-mega bitch with eternal PMS.

This was the first debate tournament of the year. All of those meet ups over the summer better have fucking paid off because I didn't lose all of the time I could've used getting blackmail on my enemies just to lose.

Not gonna lie, I wasn't that bugged by seeing Wendy so much this summer. Then Stan had to dump her before school was even out and I had to deal with her being all sad and shit. I mean, she always said that she was fine, but I swear any time we'd take a snack or TV break she'd be staring out at nothing similar to the way that I look at Cheesy Poofs at the convenience store when I have no cash on me to buy any. The bitch didn't even thank me for keeping my mouth shut about it because it wasn't easy. Not that I give a shit about how she's dealing with the break up... The bet isn't going to be any fun if she's starting to act like the chick from Twilight. Note to self: if I want to live, I can never say that to Wendy's face.

For some retarded reason, I almost wanted to say something to her when our opponents finally arrived. Wendy immediately glared at me with her sharp grey-ish eyes like she was telling me to keep my mouth shut about the fact they were both black. I rolled my eyes back at her as if to say, "Whatever bitch."

"I can't take it! We were clearly the better team! Why's it taking this long to find out how we did?" Wendy was pacing around the table where our team was seated, looking like she was trying not to bite her nails or something.

"Dude, yah know it's only been fifteen minutes, right?"

She stopped in her tracks and snarled at me, "I know that! Doesn't mean I'm any less nervous! I mean, we've been working all summer and if it was all for nothing then..." She then growled as she took a seat, crossing her arms over her chest.

I opened my mouth to say something else but I couldn't think of anything and just let out a fucking yawn and figured I'd rest my eyes a bit.

Not sure how but I woke up on some kind of operating table like the ones at doctors offices, but it wasn't really. It wasn't until that familiar voice creaked like a door slowly opening on its own that I started feeling sick as hell.

"Yer Mom'll be real angry if you tell her 'bout our secret!"

I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting it all to go away... But I'm always screaming like a little bitch because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to deal with this shit... As suddenly as this started, I began to hear a voice start softly, "Cartman... Cartman... Cartman, wake up!"

The last one made me fucking jump out of my skin as I blinked and remembered where the hell I really was, and saw Wendy standing in front of me with a binder, looking at me like I just turned into a fucking hippie. "Whaddya want, ho?"

She breathed out her nose, as if making sure she wasn't going to explode, before rolling her eyes. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then bit her lower lip, like she chickened out of whatever she was going to say and eventually said, "Just wanted to let you know we won that round..."

"Sweet," I said, suddenly feeling more awake knowing the judges saw how we kicked ass... well I kicked ass, she just did her thing.

Homecoming is fucking gay. Not the game, I kicked ass during the game this year! It's the faggy dance where guys go on faggy dates with faggy chicks and dance to their faggy music.

Like Kyle, who's probably making out with that faggy slut of his, Rebecca… They're such fags that they need to put the fact that their in love in everyone's faces and it makes me want to lose my fucking lunch every time. They seriously need to get a room. Then Kenny is going with Bebe because they're probably banging too. They're both such sluts… I guess they're kind of made for each other then. Stan wasn't there of course because of his fucking breakdown a week ago when he told everyone that they were full of shit and then puked all over Coach Stotch… that part was pretty funny. I, on the other hand, was sitting on my bed at home because I don't associate with losers who go to school dances.

DING DONG

"Eric! You have a friend at the door!"

"Fahn! I'll get it, Mahm!"

Ha! I guess those guys finally realized how gay homecoming is and that hanging out with me is more sweet. But when I opened the door, I saw a girl with ink-black hair, grey-ish eyes (they seemed to be rather soft like a flat rock; weird since they're usually glaring daggers), and a small, black dress hugging her small waist and free flowing below…or wait… was the dress just a very dark blue? Whatever, the fucking point is that this wasn't any of the guys. She then smiled like she had a gun to her head and asked, "So, I was wondering if you wanted to go over our argument for next week's—,"

I was not in the mood for this bullshit.

"Admit it, Testaburger, homecoming is lame."

She finally dropped the smile, having the decency to glare, folding her arms across her chest and huffing, "Fine, Cartman. It sucked ass. Now would you please let me in? No one else wanted to leave and I don't feel like hanging out at home by myself—I'll just watch TV in silence if that makes you happy, it's fucking freezing out here!"

I moved to the side of the open door and she quickly got inside as I let go of the door so that it slammed shut. As she moved to sit on the couch, I went to get some Cheesy Poofs from the pantry. Okay, she did say that no one else would leave with her and she didn't want to wait at home alone for her parents, but why the flying fuck would she go to my house for something not debate related? Sure, her and Stan broke up, but I think his family would still be okay with her hanging around…. Everyone knows he's grounded, but still…

"You know why…"

I almost let the Cheesy Poofs slip from my hands. I hadn't had that son of a bitch's squeaking, dumb ass voice in years… I wasn't even going to give him the satisfaction of looking. "Fuck off, Cupid Me!" I spat in a sharp whisper, waving my hand around the air for good measure.

"Cartman? What's going on?"

At least I thought I had whispered that... I'm gonna kill Cupid Me! "Nothing!" Fuck, why did I sound like such a faggy faggot? My voice was probably right below Butters' on the faggy voice scale right there! I just walked over to the couch to see Adolf sitting on Wendy's lap, nuzzling his tiny head against her dress. I looked over at him and muttered, "Traitor," as I set down the Cheesy Poofs. For a moment, I swore I heard Wendy giggle, but maybe that was just something else. I just sat there and began to flip through channels in silence until I settled on Terrance and Phillip reruns. Wendy didn't say anything, just kept looking at the TV. After a few moments, I thought I saw her turn to look at me like she was about to say something. I really hate that hesitation shit. "The fuck you want, Testabitch?"

She scowled for a moment before she lowered the volume on the TV and adjusted how she was sitting to face me, looking weirdly serious, even for her.

"I have to ask because it's been hard not to notice, but… Cartman… does this Cupid Me thing have anything to do with you falling asleep during debate and talking in your sleep and shit?"

Let's just say, if I had a glass in my hand right now, this would be the time to let it drop, so that the shattered pieces would spread all across the floor. I looked to Adolf, but even that dumb cat might've just said, "Screw you bitch," as he nuzzled his head against Wendy once again.