A/N: I don't own this. We all know who does. What I do own is a minivan that is having transmission issues. I'm glad the work is under warranty, but them keeping it all weekend and for who knows how long this week means my hubs is taking my car to work... and leaving me alone with no car. And no way to get kids to school or work. Ugh, I hate that... having to actually ask favors of people. :(

* O * O * O *

"I knew it!" I groaned as I raked my hands through my hair. "I knew something had to go wrong. It was all going so perfectly. Too perfect. I should have known something would happen. I just never dreamed it would be something as horrible as a competing cosmetic company."

Edward pulled me into his arms and against his chest, rubbing his hands up and down my back.

"It'll be fine. I promise. You'll see, it'll be okay," he softly said into my ear as my mind attempted to formulate a plan for sneaking Edward out of town before my mother got ahold of him. Being pressed so close against him I drew in a deep breath, trying to calm myself. That's when I smelled it.

"You're wearing Derek Jeter Driven? Are you kidding me?" I yelled as I frantically pushed away from him. "How did I not smell this before?"

"Bella, what?"

"I can't be close to you or I'll get that scent on me. You don't know my mother, Edward. She spends hours studying Avon's fragrance lines and she'll smell you from a mile away. You have to shower before we go to my house."

He laughed, clearly not understanding the seriousness of the situation. "Baby, come on. I'm sure it'll be fine. My mom just sells it as a hobby. A way for her to make extra money so that she and her sister can take a vacation together once a year. It's not like it's her life or anything. And she would never choose Avon over me and the girl who makes me happy. I'm sure you mom's the same way."

"You don't know her," I said, staring into his eyes and trying to make him see just how huge of a problem we had on our hands. "Mary Kay is my mom's life! She eats, breathes, and sleeps it. She would choose Mary Kay over anything, even her family. You don't get it."

"Bella," he sighed.

"Oh shit. We're Romeo and Juliet."

"What?"

"You're Romeo and I'm Juliet. You know, star-crossed lovers, parents who were bitter enemies, died for love. That's us. They're gonna run you out of town just like they did with Romeo, and then I'm gonna end up using some random Mary Kay product to fake my own death, but you won't understand and then your Avon-acclimated body will reject the product when you take it yourself, and you'll really die and then I'm gonna have to order some kind of weapon from the Mary Kay site online and wait for it to be delivered and then hide the package from my mother long enough to get what I need out of it, erase it from the shipping label, and then kill myself. That could take a week, Edward!"

Clearly I'd lost my mind and Edward could tell. He was so gonna high-tail it out of Forks without me. I was a whole ball of crazy that he would never want to deal with.

"Bella, what's going on?" Rose said. As I stopped pacing I noticed that she and Emmett were standing next to Edward, looking at me as though I'd lost my mind. Well yeah, I pretty much had.

"His mother sells Avon!" I yelled.

"Noooooo!" Rose said with a gasp, jumping a few feet away from Edward., then turning to look closely at Emmett before sniffing him and then rushing toward me. "Is it on me? The stench of him, is it on me? Emmett, how could you?"

Emmett smiled. "Yeah, Aunt Esme gave me a gift basket of stuff for my birthday. It's great. I smell awesome. You wanna see for yourself, Bella?" he asked as he pulled his shirt collar away from him and toward me.

"Okay, stop it," Edward said. "This is ridiculous. We're gonna go to your house, okay?" he said to me. The fierceness and authority in his voice stopped me in my tracks. He was so fucking hot. "We're gonna meet your family and then we're gonna meet Rose's family. It will be fine. Emmett and I will be perfect gentlemen and then if the whole cosmetic war starts we'll just plead for leniency and say we didn't know any better, but that we want to learn the ways of The Force, and all that. We'll beg your mom to teach us, okay? It'll be fine. I promise."

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yes. I'd do anything for you, Bella. Trust me. Please."

With a nod I stepped forward and melted into his arms again. I noticed how the fragrance he was wearing really complimented the natural scent of his skin, and I liked it. As he held me he began to laugh a little.

"You like it now, don't you?" he whispered into my ear.

"Maybe. A little." Maybe a lot, and too much, but I wasn't gonna tell him that. Not yet, anyway.

As we got closer and closer to my house I could have sworn I heard "Taps" playing through the trees in the forest. They were mocking me, laughing at poor Not-Quite-A-Mary Bella of Forks. Edward held my hand and kissed my face over and over again. He whispered things to me in an attempt to calm me, but nothing even had an affect until he started talking about sex and my body parts and what he wanted to do to me. Unfortunately that didn't make me any more calm. It just got me worked up in a whole different kind of way.

We pulled up in front of my house and Rose cut the engine. "Are we all going in?" she asked, looking at me through the rear-view mirror. It was dark by that point and I could see all the lights in my house were turned on. My mother was waiting to pounce on me, I was sure of it. I thought I saw the curtains in the living room window move a few times and I decided I might need more witnesses in case my mother went ballistic over the whole Avon thing. I was fairly certain Rose or Emmett would be a lot faster to respond to Edward's cries of help than my dad would be. He'd probably have to wash the stickiness of apple fritter off his hands first.

"Let's go," I whispered, then grabbed ahold of Edward's hand and opened the car door. As we walked along the pathway that led to the front porch I saw a dark shadow slowly move from the neighbor's backyard to my backyard. With as slow as it moved I was sure it couldn't be anyone other than my father. My only hope was that he'd consumed enough apple pie or apple tarts – or whatever Mary Sue was baking that day – that he would already be started toward his nightly sugar coma. A girl could dream.

"Everyone keep on your toes. And Edward," I said before turning to face him. "If this goes bad just keep in mind that I love you, and I have since that night. And I'll never forget you. And if all else fails, run. Fast and far, and don't ever look back."

"It'll be fine. You'll see."

I let out a sigh. "We should pray. Or forget all about this and just leave town now." I tried to tug Edward toward the car but he was bigger than I was and most likely had a good 50 pounds on me. He didn't budge.

"Come on, Bella," Rose said. I glared at my best friend, knowing she would be acting the same way I was once we got to her house.

I grabbed Edward's face and pulled it to mine. "One more kiss," I whispered. "This might be it for us."

"Would you stop being so dramatic?" he mumbled against my lips before kissing me long and hard.

Maybe it was a secret weapon of some sort, because when I leaned away from him my head was swimming in a hazy fog and I was feeling nothing but bliss and love. I giggled as I pulled him toward the door and smiled like a drunken wino when my mother opened it.

"Mary Bella?" she asked, the light from inside shining bright behind her and making it seem like she was glowing. "Who's this?"

"Hey, Mom," I said with a smile. "This is Edward. And that's Rose and Emmett."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Ma'am," Edward said as he reached his hand out for my mother to shake.

"Well, come on in," she said as she stepped backward and pulled the door opened. I could tell the exact moment she smelled the Avon cologne that Edward and Emmett were wearing. Her nose scrunching up in disgust, her head pulling back and creating a triple-chin as her body went rigid and board straight. After she closed the door and Rose led the boys toward the living room, I paused next to my mother.

"He's important. Please don't mess this up for me."

She looked carefully at me, then pulled in a deep breath, held it, and finally forced it out through her nose. "Fine. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. For now. But do you think he'd be interested in taking a look at Mary Kay's new earring line? They've got some things for men that he might really like."

"Mom, stop. Just wait, okay?"

By the time we entered the living room Edward, Rose, and Emmett were all sitting down waiting, and my father was standing in the doorway that led to the kitchen. The curious look on his face as his eyes bounced back and forth between me and Edward wasn't too surprising, and I was relieved to see that he was dressed in his Forks Police Department sweat suit and that his gun belt was hanging on it's hook in the kitchen. The pastry crumbs in his mustache pretty much confirmed what I'd guessed earlier – it was him sneaking home in the dark from Mary Sue's House of Apple Desserty Goodness.

"Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Edward Cullen. Edward, these are my parents Charlie and Renee Swan."

"Mary Ann Swan," my mother said. "Just call me Mary Ann."

"It's an honor to meet you both," Edward said as he stood from the couch. Seeing him in my parent's home, with his tattoos and piercings... His looks didn't fit in at all. Not that there was anything wrong with his looks. He was drop-dead gorgeous and I knew every girl in town would want him if they saw him. Like I was going to let that happen. I just hoped that my parents would look past his physical appearance and try to get to know the real him. The him inside of him. His mind and his heart and his personality. I wanted them to see the sweetness about him, the softness in his eyes, the grace and kindness and love that I'd seen. As he shook my father's hand and I watched my dad give him the once over, I held my breath.

"You ever been arrested, boy?" my dad asked.

"No, sir. I graduated summa cum laude with a bachelors in engineering this past May, and in August I'll start working toward my Master's degree. I'm sure if you check out my background you won't find anything, not even a parking ticket or late dvd rental fee."

"DVDs? You still check out dvds, huh? I like that," my father said. "I don't trust all this on-line movie rental stuff. I mean, anyone could be hacking into your wifi and downloading your personal information. Identity theft is a big problem now days. The criminal element, son. You gotta stay one step ahead at all times."

"Yes, sir. I always keep my wifi security setting at it's highest. I wouldn't want anyone sneakin' in and stealing away the things I cherish most." Edward looked at me as he said it. I may have blushed a little. Or a lot. Whatever.

My mother asked a few questions about how we'd met and where Edward was from. When she couldn't find anything bad in what he'd said, she turned to me and let out a frustrated grunt. "Well, Bella where's Mike? I haven't seen him all day."

"Mother, please. I'm not dating him anymore."

"Oh, you broke up?" she asked. I glanced at Rose who was conveniently staring at the wallpaper.

"No, not yet. But I'm going to. Tomorrow."

Edward smiled at me, and I hoped it meant he was glad to hear that I was really done with Mike. I had been for a long time, but I'd been too stupid to actually end things. Or too lazy. And at least he was better than a vibrating rubber sex toy.

"Oh," my mother said. "Ugh, now I'm never gonna get that Mary Kay kiosk."

"Mom, there are better things in life than selling Mary Kay in a store."

"I can't think of many things better than beating Mary Ellen Newton in sales and finally getting my very own pink Cadillac," she grumbled as she walked toward the recliner and sat down, huffing as her arms folded across her chest.

"So, Edward, you and Emmett are working for the carnival? That means you're just passing through town?" my father asked.

Edward looked at me. "Well, yes, sir. We do and we are."

"Looks to me like you and my Bella here are a little serious. Bella's never brought any boy home other than Mike, and if I'm not mistaken, he invited himself over most times."

Ugh, Mike could be so pushy and cocky sometimes. Too bad it wasn't the right kind of cocky, though now that Edward was back, I was glad Mike's cock had never found it's way inside of me.

"Well, Mr. Swan," Edward said.

"That's Chief Swan," my father corrected him. "Continue."

"Chief Swan. See, I met Bella a few years ago, and I've thought of no one but her ever since." Edward's eyes met mine and I smiled as he kept talking. "I've done all I could to make something of myself so that when I got back here and saw her again, I'd have something to offer her. And sir, I want to make that happen."

My father looked a little green as he carefully studied Edward. "Oh?"

"Sir, with your blessing, I'd like to marry Bella. I'd like to take her with me when I leave here in a few days. I'd like the chance to give her anything and everything she could ever want."

"Bella?" my father said as he looked at me.

"I love him, Dad. I wanna go."

"But married? So soon? Don't you wanna just live in sin or something?" my dad asked. I laughed out loud at the idea of it, then thought maybe there was something to that idea. Edward and I really didn't know each other that well, so maybe it would be good to wait a bit. But then I looked at him, and the smile he was giving me, and I knew.

"No. Married. That's what I want," I said, smiling back at my man.

"Well," my dad said as he wiped a few tears from his eyes. "If that's what you want, then I suppose we'll be okay with it."

"What?" my mother yelled as she jumped up off of her chair. Apparently she'd awoken from the stupor caused by the idea that she'd never top Mary Ellen in Mary Kay sales. "You're just going to let her leave with him? Are you kidding? He's wearing Avon products, Charlie! How could you have missed that?"

"Now, Renee," my dad started to say.

"Avon, Charlie! That's one thing I can't live with. The thought of my daughter being subjected to Avon perfumes and lotions and make-up and jewelry..." She fanned herself with her hand as she started to wobble a bit. "Oh, my heart. My heart!"

Jasper and Alice walked into the house just as my mother flopped onto the sofa, her eyelids fluttering as she continued to mumble about different Avon products and how her future grandchildren were going to need to be saved. Emmett and Edward looked worried, but I knew better. This happened once a week, for a variety of different reasons. Rose sat on the couch picking at her nail polish, my dad stood in the doorway rubbing his belly, and watching Jasper as he looked around the room full of people, trying to figure out what was going on.

Alice went to my mother's aid, lifting her head into Alice's lap and talking sweetly to her about Mary Kay's newest perfume line. I figured everything was going to work out just fine, and then Jasper smiled and opened his mouth.

"Heeeeeey," he said, dragging out the word in his stoned out voice. "I know you." He pointed to Edward and Emmett with a smile on his face. "You're the carnies who bought reefer off me a few years ago, huh? And then you got kissy with Rose while you banged Bella on the football field."

You could have heard a pin drop, the room was so quiet. Jasper pointed at Edward and continued to laugh.

"Oh, sweet Mary Kay," my mother said just before she passed out.

* O * O * O *

A/N: I pulled up next to a white car at an intersection the other day. It said Mary Kay on the side of it. It was all official-like and clearly someone's reward for selling lots of Mary Kay stuff. It make me think of Renee/Mary Ann, and giggle. :D