A/N: I don't own this. We all know who does. What I do own are two bags of Corn Nuts that I got for free at the grocery store. Gotta love coupons. :D

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"So do boys in this town have a name thing similar to the Mary situation?" Edward asked me as we were sitting outside of Rose's house. Her mom and dad were screaming at her for bringing home a carnie, though I think it was really more about the fact that we showed up just as Mr. Hale was finally hitting that special spot deep inside of Mrs. Hale. You know, the one that makes your brain all fuzzy and causes you to forget how to speak. At least I think that's what it is. I know that's how it was the one time Edward was inside of me that deep.

"No, not really," I told him. "Though I did go to school with a Mary Joe. Poor guy."

He laughed. "Wait, there was a boy named Mary in your school?"

"Yeah. I mean, he was the last of seven kids. All older brothers. His mom had to have a Mary and when the doctor told her that he was gonna be her last baby, she couldn't help it. His name was Mary Joseph, but he went by Mary Joe. Poor guy."

Edward continued to laugh, his profile lit up by the street light across the street and making me shiver. "I hope he moved far, far away from here."

"Not too far. I hear he's in Seattle working at a strip club. You know, a gay strip club. Maybe his mom knew something no one else did when she named him Mary."

His arm was wrapped around my shoulder and his other hand was holding mine. I was in love with him. After only 12 hours together I knew it. I'd never be able to part from him. Ever. His fingers slid up and down my arm as I relaxed against him.

Things hadn't gone too well at my house after Jasper made his big revelation. Not that my dad didn't know about the pot. Everyone knew. It was the third highest grossing product in Forks – third only to apples and Mary Kay. If it weren't for pot, a quarter of the town would be on welfare. As long as the growers and sellers and users showed up at church every week, the town turned the other cheek – love the sinner and hate the sin... all that kinda stuff. And apparently my parents assumed I was already having sex with Mike, so they didn't completely freak about that. They weren't thrilled, though, that I'd basically had a one-night-stand at 15 with a complete stranger. With my mom passed out on the couch, my dad rambled on and on about safety and protecting yourself and girls being taken advantage of. My father finally calmed down once I reminded him that Edward wanted to marry me, and that he was a much better choice than barely-graduated-from-high-school-mama's-boy Mike.

By the time we left for Rose's house, my mother was crying over not having time for a proper wedding before I left town with Edward, and my dad was crying over not being able to have some caramel apple cheesecake he'd heard about recently. Apparently, he thought it would be the perfect dessert for a wedding reception. Jasper and Alice had gone up to his bedroom with arms full of snacks from the kitchen cupboard, and I knew they'd most likely spend the rest of the night behind his locked door.

"So, we head out Tuesday morning. I'm not real sure how you wanna do this," Edward said as we slowly swung back and forth on the porch swing.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my parents probably can't get here for a wedding. I mean, I could call them."

"You wanna get married now? Here?" I asked.

"Well, yeah. The sooner, the better. Are you okay with that?" he asked me, then softly kissed my head.

"Fuck yeah, I'm okay with it! Let's get us some rings tomorrow after your shift, and then we can get married Sunday."

He was so sweet, all dopey-looking as he watched me with big, curious green eyes. "You sure you wanna get married so fast? I remember you telling me before how girls get married too young and that you never wanted to be 'that girl'. That you wanted to get outta this town and have your own life."

"I think I just never took into consideration the fact that sometimes you meet the right person. The person for you. And when that happens, you gotta jump in with both feet. Right?"

His smile made my heart skip a beat and he nodded in agreement. "Right. So with that being said," he said as he shifted off the swing and dropped down to one knee in front of me and held my hand in his. "I love you, Bella Swan. I've loved you since that first night, four years ago, on the football field. Not a day's gone by that I haven't thought about you, wished for you, wanted you. I promise, if you'll let me I'll spend the rest of my life loving you and making you happy. Will you marry me?"

I felt like such a pansy, with the tears streaming down my face and the big cheesy grin. I tried to say yes but it just came choking out in a bubble of emotion and I grumbled as I nodded furiously at Edward.

"I take that as a yes?" he asked.

"Yeah," I finally managed to get out, just before I grabbed his face and pulled it to mine. His lips were so fucking soft and sweet as he kissed me, and I may have moved to straddle him right there on Rose's porch. He didn't stop me, so I knew he was into it, too. Especially with how hard he was kissing me and the fact that his hands seemed to have become attached to my ass.

"Ew, what are you doing?" I heard Emmett say from the door way. It sounded like he was chewing, which made me wonder where he'd gotten food because Rose's parents were still yelling inside the house.

"We're getting' married!" Edward squealed. Squealed. My future husband squealed like a little girl at a Justin Beiber concert. The only reason I even knew about Justin Beiber was because the pre-teen girls that came into the ice cream shop talked non-stop about him. Apparently, he was the new Justin Timberlake. As if that was even possible. No one could out sing and dance that sexy man. Well, maybe Edward could, but I'd have to wait and see about that.

"Nice," Emmett said as he nodded at us and grinned.

I kissed Edward again and then let out a deep breath. "I gotta go home. I've got shopping to do tomorrow. Will you stay with me tonight?"

He smiled. "I'll always stay with you."

Luckily my parents were already asleep by the time we got back to my house. And sure enough Jasper and Alice were still locked in his bedroom. Laying next to Edward in my bed all night was incredible. I didn't even notice Jasper's headboard banging against the wall until Edward asked me what the knocking sound was. I was just relieved that Alice didn't get too vocal and Edward didn't hear her yelling for Jasper to spear her with his bayonet. I really needed to get Edward legally tied to me before he found out about all the insanity I was surrounded by.

Edward was a perfect gentleman all night, which both thrilled me and pissed me off. I loved the feel of his hands on my tits as he kissed me and pressed his hard cock against my hip, but when he turned me around and pulled my back to his chest, I thought something other than sleep was going to happen. At first I figured he was just taking a breather, resting for a few minutes, but then I heard him snoring and I knew the night's fun was over. It was probably for the best since I fell asleep pretty quickly after that.

The next morning I woke up to find my mother in the kitchen cooking breakfast. It wasn't like her and I wondered what was going on. It didn't take long for me to figure it out. As Edward came down the stairs, my father tried to sneak in the kitchen door, only to be caught by my mom.

"Charles Swan, where have you been at seven o'clock in the morning on a Saturday?" she asked.

I could see some kind of pastry crumbs in his mustache and the look of apple-glazed glee in his eyes. He licked one finger and then another before noticing my mother standing in the middle of the room.

"Oh, you're up."

"Yeah, and I'm ticked. I asked you a question. Where have you been?" Her hands rested on her hips and her shoulders were squared. She was mad. I actually couldn't remember ever seeing her that way before.

"Uh, well, I thought I'd go for a jog. You know, exercise," my dad said as he stared at the floor and nervously shifted from one foot to the other.

"Liar. What's that in your mustache?" She moved closer and looked, then sniffed. "Is that apple pie filling I smell? At seven a.m.? Where did you get apple pie this early in the morning?"

"Um... Ah, well..." he mumbled.

Just then I saw movement in the backyard. Mary Sue was standing in the yard holding something in her hands. My mother spotted her only moments after I did, and she practically flew to the back door.

"What's going on?" Edward quietly asked me.

"Nothing. Just my life," I said as I shook my head in shame. He was so gonna leave me after this all went down.

"What are you doing here?" I heard my mother asking Mary Sue.

"Oh, Charlie forgot the rest of his pie. I thought I'd bring it to him," I heard Mary Sue saying in her sweetest, sugary voice.

"Charlie's pie? What?" my mom asked, turning to look at my father who'd followed his nose to the backyard. Edward and I were right behind him, and I was a little surprised by the way Mary Sue was dressed. She seemed to have forgotten most of her clothes. At least that's what it looked like since it appeared that she was wearing an apron and nothing else.

"Charlie loves my pies. And my turnovers, and danishes, and crumb cakes, and fritters. Charlie can't stay away from my kitchen, can you, honey?" she said as she looked at my dad, then winked and blew a kiss. His eyes were focused on the grass and he knew he'd been caught.

"Charlie, is this true?" my mom asked. If I didn't know better I'd have sworn she sounded hurt. It pretty much shocked the shit out of me.

"Well, baby... uh..."

"Charlie?"

"Renee, you know how much I love apple desserts."

My mom was silent and as we all stood there, I heard Jasper and Mary Jane walk out of the house and stand behind me and Edward. "What's goin' on?" Jasper whispered to me.

"Shhhh," I said, still waiting to see how things were going to play out. I knew if it came down to it, my mom could take that Mary Sue bitch. My mom might have been just a make-up obsessed wanna-be, but she loved my dad, and love could give you power you never knew you were capable of. I already knew that from just the last day I'd spent with Edward.

"So you're sneakin' into Mary Sue's kitchen? How often is this happening?" my mother asked as she folded her arms across her chest and stared down my dad.

He was silent, and then Mary Sue jumped in. "Every day. He just can't stay away from what I can do for him. Isn't that right, Charlie? You can't get enough of my good stuff, huh, sweetie?"

"Sweetie? She calls you sweetie? Are you fucking kidding me? What else are you getting from this little tart, huh?" my mother yelled.

"Whoa, your mother just cursed," Mary Jane whispered. Jasper just stood there with his mouth hanging open. Our mom must have really hit her limit now.

"Nothing! I swear! It's just her baking I want. I mean it, Renee. I swear that's all it is," my dad yelled back.

"Oh Renee, please. Don't tell me you didn't know something was going on. Charlie's a cop, for fuck's sake. He doesn't even like donuts, so how do you think he got so plump and delicious looking?" Mary Sue looked at my dad like he was something to eat, something she couldn't wait to lick and bite and devour. You know, like that old witch that fattened up Hansel and Gretel. "He told me you never bake anything sweet and juicy for him, so he had to come to me. I can give him what he needs, what he wants. I can fulfill all of his fantasies in the kitchen... and other places, too."

"You're married!" my mom shouted at Mary Sue. "Go home and bake for you husband and leave mine alone! He can't help it if he's weak, you little hussy!"

As my mom and Mary Sue continued to yell and call each other names, they got closer and closer to each other and I knew there was gonna be a fight. We all stood back and watched, shocked to see so much emotion coming from my mother, especially since there was nothing from Mary Kay involved in the situation. The final straw came when Harry yelled from his backyard that he was hungry and wanted Mary Sue to come home and fix his breakfast.

"See? You have a man. Go home and leave mine alone!" my mom said as she stood toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose with Mary Sue.

Mary Sue's arm twisted and before we knew what happened, my mom was covered in sticky, gooey apple pie. My father let out a gasp, probably at the thought of his favorite dessert being wasted. My mother let out a gasp, probably at the idea of her make-up and hair being ruined for the day. Edward let out a gasp, probably because he couldn't believe the live Jerry Springer show he was about to hitch himself to. And finally Mary Sue let out a gasp, probably because Mary Jane had ran around all of us and grabbed her by the hair, pulling her back toward her own house.

"Go home, you little skanky wicked witch!" she screamed as she pulled a stumbling Mary Sue across two backyards before pushing her against her husband who was still standing in his yard waiting for his breakfast. It was as Mary Jane pulled her home that I could finally see Mary Sue did in fact have some other clothes on. Though I wasn't sure if you could call a thong and strapless-push-up bra clothes. Clearly she didn't eat much of her own baking, 'cause the woman had a rockin' body. Well, rockin' for a forty year old, anyway. I only hoped for my mom's sake that my dad had always been too distracted by her baking to notice anything else about her.

"Charlie, how could you?" my mother asked in a shaky voice as she stood in the yard covered in apple pie.

"Baby, I thought you didn't care. I mean, you're always so busy with your Mary Kay stuff that I didn't think you even noticed me anymore."

I could see sadness in my mother's eyes, and it made me hurt for her. Edward took hold of my hand and lightly kissed my hair as we watched.

"I've always cared, Charlie. But I'm getting so old, and I don't look like I used to. I wanted to look better for you."

"Renee, I love you. You'll always be the most beautiful girl in the world to me. I'm just sorry I let myself go. All those sweets have really done a number on me. But you never said anything, so I thought you didn't care. How did you not know?" my dad asked.

"I buy so many groceries every week, and then they're always gone, so I thought you were eating all of them," my mother explained as she stepped closer to my dad.

My dad had a puzzled look on his face. "I never eat anything from the cupboard, only what you fix for me."

"Well, if you're not eating them, what's happening to them?" she asked. My parents turned and looked toward where the rest of us were standing.

"Don't look at me," I said.

"Oh, sorry," Jasper said as he pulled another cookie out of the bag he was holding. "Sometimes I just get so hungry, you know? Like, I'm all munchie and stuff. I just eat and eat and eat. I don't even know why either, 'cause I'm not hungry at all and then I hang out in my room for a while and bam! I'm starving! I can't help it. Maybe I have some kinda eating thing, you know? Maybe it's one of those tapeworms, you know 'cause people get those in like Africa and the jungle and stuff. Maybe that's what I got."

He was so clueless. Pot didn't kill brain cells, my foot.

"I swear I'll stay away from Mary Sue's kitchen," my dad said as he traced his finger along my mom's cheek, picking up some of the apple pie filling that was globbed there on her skin. He put it in his mouth and licked the sugary substance off. My mother moaned. Moaned! It made me want to gag. Edward quietly laughed next to me.

"I should probably go clean up," my mom softly said.

"Yeah, we should get you cleaned up..." my dad said just before grabbing her hand and turning toward us. We all jumped out of their way as they rushed toward the door, hurrying into the house and up the stairs.

Mary Jane giggled. "Your mom and dad are totally gonna do it!" she laughed as she jumped up and down, clapping her hands together. She looked like one of those toy monkeys with the symbols that bang together over and over again. "Old people are so cute when they get all horny. You're dad's gonna be in heaven today! Just imagine him licking that apple pie off your mom's-"

"No!" Jasper and I both yelled. "Stop!"

I grabbed Edward's hand and pulled him toward my truck. Thank heavens we were both already dressed and I had my keys in my pocket. Just before I turned over the engine I swore I heard from the open second-story window in my house, "Eat my sweet apple pie, baby!"

Ew. Just... no.

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