Shattered
Author's Note: This is Regina's note in answer to Emma's. SwanQueen pretty much happened last chapter.
Regina put the note down on the counter and looked out to the backyard. At first, she had been relieved not to find Emma beside her when she woke. But while waiting for the coffee to perk, she admitted she was irritated as well. Peeved because some part of her wanted to wake up next to Emma, no matter how much her logical brain told her that was a bad idea.
She had to admit that she couldn't really remember how the fight had progressed, but she did recall being mildly shocked to have kissed Emma first.
So here she was, staring idly at her lilacs while wondering where recent events left them.
What did this mean for their future interactions? What about what she felt for Robin? What would Robin do now that his beloved Marian was back?
Not to mention that she was still angry at Emma for bringing the woman back with her at all.
"Damn it, Emma! It had to be you, of all people, to bring her back!" Regina let out an aggravated sigh, picked up her coffee and the note and headed for her office.
She sat down behind her desk, pulled a pen and paper from the desk drawer and sighed again. She took a mouthful of coffee and began to write.
Emma,
A Queen never explains herself.
I remember Mother drilling that into me, over and over.
No matter who I am in this world, I was raised to be a Queen.
So I sit here, wanting to insist that I owe you no explanation.
And yet, I do.
I suppose it might have been easier to bear if Hook had brought Marian back, instead of you. But see it from my perspective, Princess, once again a member of your family meddled, and once again, my happiness was pulled out from under me like a cheap rug.
It hurt even more because I thought you and I were on our way to being friends.
So I won't apologize for your split lip. After all, it's not the first time I've hit you. You'll heal.
…
Regina took a sip of her coffee and winced, feeling the after-effects of one of Emma's right hooks. As she shifted in her chair, she also felt the sting of what Emma had called 'angry sex'. She winced as she tried to find a comfortable position and continued to write.
...
I do not recall how we came to be in my house after fighting outside Granny's, or even how we evolved from fighting to trying to dominate each other's bodies. But at some point you made me feel something more. Then again, I suppose you always have. I spent so much time trying to push you away, force you to leave because I saw you as a threat. You were wilful, strong minded and down-right defiant. You saw me as a challenge, and I saw you as a challenger to my happiness and control.
Ironic that you became my foil, and very nearly, my friend.
There have been times when I was quite sure that of all the people in Storybrooke, you were the only one who truly understood my complexities. You may still be the only one who understands why I cast the curse in the first place. I wanted only control and happiness from the curse, but even that eluded me. For some time, I was too blind to see that it was hollow. When I did see my new world for what it truly was, I thought a child would fill all my empty spaces. But even then, I could not truly understand what the emptiness was.
I came to understand it recently. Well, to be honest, in Neverland.
The more time we spent together, the more I craved your companionship and the more I resented your parents for constantly interrupting.
And yet, without your parents I would not have had that companionship at all.
On some level it galls me that I have fallen for someone I hated, pushed at, ranted at and then had to grudgingly admit that if you were not who you are, I would not have Henry.
Yes, I suppose I have fallen for you.
Even a small glimpse of you across the diner, or City Hall, or down the street makes my stomach flip in just the slightest way. I mentally cheer when you show your inner strength by standing up to your parents. The few times we have made magic together, it buzzes through me more completely than lightning ever could.
And so last night was…
Unexpected, thrilling, life-affirming, electrifying and so very, very sweet.
It occurs to me that the prophecy was that The Saviour would destroy the Evil Queen, and you have done just that. While parts of her do still rest in my heart, you have shattered her enough that you have allowed another side of me to grow.
The side that the Evil Queen destroyed.
The lover.
I don't want to push you away, no matter how irritated I may be at the result of your good intentions. I suppose what darkness I still carry will always need your light. It's one of the things that draws me to you.
No matter where we go from here, I would like to think that last night will not be the only chance we had.
As you've said, the future holds unknown potential.
I cannot ask for your forgiveness when I find it so hard to give it to others. I can only ask that you continue to be patient with me.
I don't want to go days without seeing you again. Come for dinner tomorrow night.
Just you and I.
We'll talk and hopefully figure out what comes next for us.
Yours in hope,
Regina
She signed with a flourish and decided that she would ask Henry to deliver it on her behalf.
Now, all she could do was wait.