That night, after my performance, I was congratulated by everyone in the room, even the most conservative men had been, as some would say, charmed by my dance. Some had even kissed my hand when I returned to the ballroom, wearing a suit rather than my revealing dance outfit, which had scandalized several women when I appeared for the first time in the stage, which had been dismantled to give the party-goers more space to dance as a real orchestra began playing. It was the first time the General organised a ball after ten years of complete silence, since his wife's death, and it had been a triumphant return. My sister Ekaterina said that she rather see me in a suit than wearing almost nothing, and my sister Natasha was disappointed that I had to cover up, as was the General, who later told me in a whisper, when no one was looking.
"I want to see you in my office. Tell your sisters you will be spending the night here"
I nodded shakily and did as he told me. My sisters were quite disappointed that I wouldn't be going home with them, but after a while they forgot and continued enjoying the party. Natasha was asked to dance by a young gentleman, but she stomped on his foot as a response. My sister Ekaterina was complaining about her back hurting and so they decided to leave. They kissed me goodbye and left. When the General asked his driver to take them to our house he turned around to face me with a predatory smirk on his face.
"I want you upstairs, now"
He whispered huskily on my ear as I was looking into the ballroom, where no one seemed to notice how close the General was from me and I couldn't find Sadiq. He was nowhere to be seen and I was sad that he hadn't come to congratulate me for the great performance. Anyways, I found myself in the General's private study, a room which held so many memories of how I became a real man and not just by age. His hands were on my backside and his lips were on mine as we made our way to his chair, where he sat and pulled me down to sit on his lap.
"You did great on the stage. I was worth the waiting to see you dance so well, my beautiful dancing boy"
He said in between kisses and bites to my neck, which had me trembling and moaning, completely embraced in his strong arms. I slid my hands down his shoulders to grip tightly at his back, crumpling the cloth of General Winter's spotless military uniform.
The General penetrated me that night and made me scream in pleasure while the guests were enjoying the party downstairs. At that moment, while the General was helping me bounce up and down on his member, I thought of Sadiq.
When we finished cleaning up and I was able to walk with a not too noticeable limp I decided to go outside to have some fresh air, even though it was terribly cold and snowing, but I wanted to be away from everything at that moment. When I came out to the terrace I found Sadiq, smoking a cigarette, shivering.
"Sadiq, it's freezing out here, what are you doing?"
Sadiq turned around and he looked surprised that I was there with him. His face was pale as were his lips. I could handle the cold a little better than he did, after all, I had lived all my life in this weather. Sadiq chuckled a little.
"You caught me"
"Doing what?"
I was confused but he chuckled again, and this time he seemed a little sad. He looked down at the ground and kicked his foot on the snow.
"I was trying to torture my body as much as I torture my mind"
Now I was confused beyond words and the cold was not letting me think straight. I didn't even notice Sadiq approaching me and putting his hand next to mine in the railing.
"Because I'm in love with you, Ivan... and you are not"
I was frozen at that instant, and not only because of the weather. Sadiq had put his hand over mine and I could feel its cold through my skin. I wasn't sure if it was love, but I felt something for Sadiq that made me feel all warm and giddy whenever I looked at him or he touched me like he usually did. Before I could time to think what I should say back to him, I moved swiftly and captured his lips into mine in a passionate kiss. It was a kiss that made me feel warm inside, unlike any of the kisses I had experienced with the General ever since Sadiq had appeared in my life. Everything with the General had turned as cold as that night ever since I had met Sadiq that day of spring. I felt I had gone through a lot during that year and every time he would put his hands over my naked chest or hips, I would feel it for days. He was making me melt from the inside and I thought that, perhaps, that's what they called love. I pulled away from Sadiq, who had closed his eyes since the initial shock of being kissed, and had his hand over my cheek.
"Is than an 'I love you, too'?"
Sadiq asked with a playful smirk on his face. I felt my face heating up even further as he slid his hand through my cheek to grab my scarf and pull me closer to his firm chest.
"I-I think so"
I said shyly as I looked down. I didn't know it. How could I? I didn't even know what love meant, but now, after years of experience, I realised what love was and wasn't, but even after having so many affairs, I can't tell if what I felt for Sadiq at that moment was love or passion. I certainly wasn't in love with the General, nor had ever been.
"Then prove it to me"
Sadiq said, still with a playful smirk on his face. How would I prove something I wasn't even sure about? I thought.
"How?"
"Let's go, together, back to Istanbul"
I thought for a moment and the only thing that popped into my mind was that I wanted to get away from the deadly cold that was in Russia, so I found myself nodding.
"Yes"
That would be the worst decision of my life.