No one would take an angel who says he feels like floating serious, but Michael just can´t find a better way to describe his state. He floats through millennial old routines, through his prayers, through talks with other angels and even through the first plans for the apocalypse, which are in theory only discussed with Raphael and Zachariah and in practice made up by him on spot, while Raphael nods and Zachariah praises him annoyingly.
And all the time his thoughts never stray from Gabriel, while he stays locked in memories and regrets.
He should have never thought about that horrible day in the first place, he has pushed it away for so long, he should have left it buried. Now that he has delved it it foolishly, he isn´t able to surface again. He moves through heaven like a shadow, all his emotions buried together with Gabriel, constantly holding his dead little brother or seeing him at the road, dying or vanishing or both.
The leader of the heavenly host is drowning within himself and no one notices, because he never showed his emotions anyway.
That´s the price, he tells himself like he has since Lucifer fell. That´s the price he has to pay so things like Lucifer and Gabriel can never happen again. He has to keep his brothers safe and to keep them safe he has to control them. Has to predict them, organize them. That´s the price for their safety and it´s worth it.
It´s worth making them into soldiers. It´s worth never showing emotions and forbiding free will. It´s worth giving the ones who stray to Naomi for reeducation.
It´s worth it, because there will never be another Lucifer again. Or another Gabriel. Take care of your siblings every father tells his oldest, but how is anyone supposed to do that? How can you ever take care of your siblings if you don´t know where they are, what they do, what they think?
It´s simply impossible. He knows because he has tried and lost Lucifer and Gabriel. His ghosts.
Losing emotions and free will is the price for safety and he is willing to pay it.
Was willing to pay it.
The leader of the heavenly host is breaking apart and no one cares.
He is alone, he suddenly realizes some way into his drowning state and has been alone for a very long time. Funny really, how one can be alone when always surrounded by family, by brothers who never shut up and he has to look after everyone and everything, because the archangels were meant to lead but Lucifer is a traitor, Raphael a mindless soldier and Gabriel is dead, so it all fell to him and he has to please his father all alone.
Raphael, Zachariah, Uriel, Joshua and many more float past. Michael looks over the garrisons and wonders when he lost count of his siblings. They are just too many, too many to know everyone, too many too keep everyone safe. Oh, how he misses that time when it was just the four of them. Or the three of them. Or the two of them. Or when he was the one and only angel. And happy.
Yes, he was happy alone, with Father coming by now and then. Actually coming by quite often, still interested in his creation. But when he wasn´t there it was also fine for Michael. He liked that kind of being alone, exploring the garden, resting, dreaming, always knowing that it wasn´t forever, that sooner or later Father would return. He misses that peaceful kind of being alone, so different from the moments alone he steals for himself now and then, like he did on that fateful night in Wyoming and that he always feels bad about right away, or the being alone in the midst of his brothers.
Back when they are only four in the garden, Lucifer, Raphael and Gabriel are always around him. It´s impossible to describe the size of the garden, but they always end up around each other anyway. Lucifer and Gabriel always need attention, not as bad as they will need it later, but they both always had the tendency to make a show and throw tantrums if no one pays attention to them. Raphael meanwhile basically lives on social interaction those days and even though he is much less annoying then Lucifer and Gabriel it can be near impossible to get rid of him too.
Michael loves his brothers, but sometimes it just becomes to much and while all three of them never seem to tire of social interaction, Michael still remembers the days when he was the only angel in creation and the restful peace he was able to find back then and that is lost with his brothers constantly around.
So sometimes, very seldom, but still, sometimes he loses it and screams at his brothers to just leave him alone.
Then he claims a part of the garden for himself and sits down there trying to feel at peace, while his brothers are keeping their distance, shocked by his outburst.
And every time he feels bad about it almost immediately, but is too proud to admit it.
Lucifer is the brother he confides in like none other and little Gabriel always makes him smile, but it´s Raphael who always melts him after these outbursts. While Lucifer and Gabriel carefully keep their distance, sooner or later Raphael comes and sits down a few meters apart from Michael. And then they just sit there, until Michael has calmed down and wordless motions Raphael to come closer. It´s a ritual, calming every time, as is Raphael then sitting down right next to Michael and carefully leaning towards him, like he isn´t sure if Michael wants to be near him and Michael then pulling him into a hug. Always.
Because Michael loves his brothers and after this quick peace he is able to face them again with all their flaws. It´s hard being the only angel with a concept of private space and time for oneself sometimes, but he manages. Not least because of Raphaels calming nature. Raphael the healer, Raphael, the only one he can find comfort in silence with.
Raphael.
It´s like finally surfacing out of his memory filled state. Of course, he always forgets that he isn´t alone yet, that there is someone else left that was with him back then in the days of the garden, a brother also haunted by Lucifer and Gabriel.
He has to tell something about Gabriel, even if it was just an illusion of his poor, dead brother, or go mad. And the only person he can talk to about it is Raphael. How easy he forgets that he isn´t the only survivor, that there is still someone left of the early days.
He calls for Raphael almost euphorically and his brother appears immediately.
"Michael?", he asks, clearly waiting for orders. "What is the matter?" And Michael who has for one moment forgotten that the Raphael of the garden doesn´t exist any more, that this one is just a mindless soldier, not even a real archangel, just good to follow like all the other angels, comes to the point immediately and bursts out: "I think I saw Gabriel"
No reaction.
None at all.
Raphael seems like he doesn´t really get the point. Like the name means nothing to him.
Michael quietly curses himself as he crushes back to reality. What did he expect? The old Raphael to suddenly return. As if that was going to happen! Feeling weirdly crushed by Raphaels lack of reaction, he asks: "What do you think?" because these days Raphael only speaks on command.
"I think it´s impossible" Still no emotional reaction, not even over the archangel bond and somehow it´s driving Michael crazy. This is about GABRIEL, for everyones sake, their little brother, the one they broke over maybe more then over Lucifer and Raphael honestly doesn´t care. It just doesn´t seem right."I´m sure about it", he heatedly replies, more sure than he really is. "I saw and felt him the night when the hell gate stood open. It clearly was an archangel, it could only have been him"
"Gabriel is dead" The words are painfully cutting through Michael, but Raphael speaks them with no effort at all. "He is dead and never coming back. No being besides Father would have been powerful enough to trick us all with an illusion. He is dead, you held him and saw the wing marks. Let him rest"
"You don´t care" Michael isn´t even sure why it suddenly is a shock for him. He had told himself that Raphael is just a mindless soldier now for centuries, but somehow this still shocks him. How Raphael honestly doesn´t care about the apocalypse and Gabriel, the two most important things that have happened to Michael since what seems like forever. The two things he needs someone to talk about. Desperately. But Raphael isn´t that person, can´t be that person.
"I was right all the time", he continues almost desperately hoping to provoke Raphael. "You are just a mindless soldier. You don´t care about anything. Maybe I should give you to Naomi just to give
her something to do. She can´t make anything worse anyway"
He has hoped for some reaction at least now, because fear is better than nothing, but Raphael just calmly stats: "You won´t give me to Naomi" and Michael almost explodes, because his brother is right. He would never give Raphael to Naomi.
You just torture him yourself.
He doesn´t need that thought right now. Not at all.
"Look at me", he hisses at Raphael, who has been looking at him all the time. "I am your superior and you will do what I say and you won´t question it! Ever! Now go, find Gabriel!"
The words are out before he can really think about the, provoked by the sudden urge to prove Raphael wrong, prove to his mindless brother that he isn´t insane, but that their youngest is somewhere out there. And also by the need to see Raphael resist him. At least once.
Raphael doesn´t say that the order makes no sense and is impossible. He doesn´t say that Gabriel is dead and even if he weren´t it would be impossible tracking him now. He doesn´t say that Michael is losing it. He doesn´t question his orders, he just goes, trying to fulfill them.
And watching Raphael leave, Michael suddenly realizes with a sick twist that does not have two ghosts, but three.
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