It has been two weeks since the worst day of Michael´s life, the day everything fell apart, the day heaven broke in ways no one could have imagined before, the day so many angels died, the day already only referred to as That Day by the scared younger angels, who haunt heaven with empty eyes, always in groups of three or four, jumping at every sound.
For the first time in creation heaven seems like a tomb, every sound seems a sin, even over the bonds everything more that the illusion of a whisper seems incredibly out of place.
If they talk at all, they all talk about That Day, because there is nothing else to talk about. Everything that was before seems childish now, a dream bubble that had to burst sooner or later and everyone who dares talk about it in consequence seems stupid and naive.
The talk about the fights, the dead, they pray to Father. Sometimes one of them dares to ask about the archangels and is shut down with a hush. No one talks about the archangels these days.
Lucifer´s name is forbidden, everyone who even thinks it or worse thinks about anything positive related to it, is immediately brand marked a traitor, not only by the others, but in most cases also by himself.
Gabriel´s name just carries too much pain to speak about him. "I didn´t think archangels could die", whispers one of the youngest and Balthazar screams at him to shut up. It´s the first time anyone has screamed in days and it feels to everyone like a sacred silence is broken, sending most of them into involuntary shudders.
Balthazar apologizes afterwards, in a broken voice and shocked by himself, but no one answers him. Not because they don´t forgive him, but because no one sees the sense in apologies anymore. What has happened, has happened. The only thing you can do is move on and not go too crazy.
Raphael´s isn´t spoken out loud, but it´s more because they know that he is there anyway. Raphael is the one holding heaven together in these terrible days, establishing at least some sort of routine, tending to the wounded, caring for the young ones that are absolutely scared out of their mind. He is still there, the healer, the only constant left in a world changed way to quick. They all see him walking the corridors between the heavens, working restlessly to fix all that can still be fixed, while trying to hide his own brokenness at the same time.
Everyone knows that Raphael is broken and suffering immensely, only carrying on, because no one else can find the strength to take command. Everyone knows that Raphael is running against his own clock, that sooner or later he will crash, overwhelmed by the pain he hasn´t allowed himself to feel for everyone else´s sake.
They all fear the day it will catch up with him.
No one dares to ask about Michael. The oldest archangel has vanished after Gabriel was found dead and the younger angels have learned brutally that you don´t want to know the answer to some questions
…
Michael doesn´t know how long it has been since That Day. It has all been a blur, switching between all engulfing numbness and memories so vivid, he wants to scream.
Lucifer is traitor, he tells himself, slowly dragging his fingers through the grass of the garden, where he is lying on his back, starring up empty eyed to he-doesn´t-know-what.
Lucifer is a traitor and deserves to be punished. I did the right thing. He deserves his suffering in the pit. Father, please tell me I did the right thing.
Still the images of his brother begging of him to let him go, the panic in his eyes, his horrified scream as he falls, remain burned into Michael´s brain, a fresh, open wound, that some part of him doesn´t want to let heal.
He isn´t actually committing self harm, he tells himself, nor does he feel like doing it. What a ridiculous thought to physically hurt yourself, leaving marks that others can see, if replaying memories of Lucifer falling and imagining Gabriel dying, sobbing and alone, a hundred times over, gets you just the same result of strangely liberating pain and self punishment.
He rolls in tightly on the ground, his fingers dragging through the grass again, hitting the burned spots and making him shudder with pain and grief. Alright, if he insists to himself that he isn´t doing anything that could be considered self harm, he should maybe change the clearing, but he can´t find the strength to do so.
Strange and crazy as it sounds, he has grown quite fond of this particular clearing in a masochistic way. It´s here he feels closest to Gabriel, starring at the bushes that were the last thing his sweet, little brother ever saw, dragging his fingers through the grass on which he died, and when he manages to calm himself down and doesn´t hit the burned spots, he can almost feel Gabriel lying next to him, alive and well, chattering about the forms of the clouds and secret messages Father might have hidden in them, even though Michael has told him a hundred times over, that cloud forms are pure chance and that Father only made clouds for the garden, because he thought they made a great mobile for fledglings and afterwards never occupied himself with them again.
In that moments he feels like he could stretch out his arm and his fingers would find Gabriel´s and he could pull his brother into his arms, promising to always protect him, this time for real.
He never does actually stretch out his arm in these moments, since the one time he did and hit a burned spot.
He doesn´t know how much time has passed, when he feels over the archangel bond, that Raphael is coming into his direction. The archangel bond is another funny thing, he muses. He can´t feel Lucifer and Gabriel anymore, but he has to keep searching for them, another wound he refuses to let heal, by picking in it over and over again.
He doesn´t want to talk to Raphael, but he doesn´t want to get up either and besides he knows that they are the only two persons in the garden, twice connected and reeking of emotions so badly, that Raphael couldn´t miss him if he wanted to, no matter where Michael went, so he just stays on the clearing, trying to ignore his brothers shocked, pain filled expression and gasp, as he realizes where the oldest archangel has chosen to hide away from the world.
"Michael! What are you doing...here…of all places?"
"Leame al´n", Michael slurs very maturely, turning away from Raphael and pressing his face into the cool grass, the cool strangely soothing him.
"No way", Raphael announces after a second of hesitation. "Michael, I know you are... suffering, but this..." He helplessly waves his hand in the general direction of Gabriel´s wingmarks, a gesture that seems even more helpless, because he absolutely refuses to look at them. "…this isn´t helping anyone. Michael, I´m trying to keep everything together, but I can´t. There is so much to fix and I am alone and I never was that good at leading in the first place, that was always you and..." He quickly swallows the forbidden name, taking a deep breath, before bursting out like a child.
"Michael, please, I need your help"
That stirs something in Michael. He knows that the old Michael would never and under no circumstances have refused a direct plea for help from one of his brothers and clearly Raphael is aiming to trigger exactly that part. But somehow he just can´t muster the energy to get up and go to his brother, not even when Raphael starts to cry eerily silent tears, sobbing out fragments of sentences incoherently.
"Michael...please...I miss them...I need someone...The little ones...so scared...I need you...Gabriel...Lucifer...Oh, Father..."
"Lucifer?", Michael croaks out, this somehow being the only part on which he can focus despite his efforts to pull himself together and comfort Raphael like he should. "Why would you say his name?"
Raphael looks up to him with red rimmed eyes, absolutely spooked by his brothers behavior.
"Well...", he manages, even succeeding in calming his voice and sobbing only when absolutely necessary. "Because he is our brother of course and… and also if we go on like this more of the young ones will go over to him… and honestly I can´t blame them...with the chaos up here...if they think some order would be good"
Michael stares at him unblinking and strangely snakelike.
"Lucifer is a traitor", announces, emotionless like someone else is talking out of his mouth. "Lucifer is a traitor and all who follow him are traitors too"
"Also, what are you talking about?", he continues a bit more lucid. "Lucifer is in the pit, they can´t go over to him""Well, something is happening down there", Raphael answers, barely hiding the reproach in his voice. "Something big and I honestly have no idea how to deal with it"
You should have known about it, he says, even though he never speaks the words out loud. You should have dealt with it. You are my big brother, the one I always trusted and you let me down. You always were the one dealing with all the problems and now you are just lying around in the place our youngest brother died, torturing yourself and I have to look after everything. Do something! Save me!
Michael hears every word of it and yet his mind still can´t get away from Lucifer. He is stuck in those thoughts like a fly in a spiders net, stuck in the mantras he has carefully constructed for himself those past days to not go insane thinking about what he did to his brothers.
"Lucifer is a traitor", he repeats, "and you think they should join him? Don´t become a traitor yourself, Raphael!"
"That is not what I said", his little brother defends himself. "I just said I can not blame them for their decision, when up here there is only chaos and depression and Father has vanished and we don´t have a leader"
Michael doesn´t want to get up, but now he feels like he has to. He has always been the big brother, responsible for all his siblings and feelings like that die hard, even if your whole world collapses. He has to save his younger siblings, save them from themselves and from Lucifer. "Well", he announces, heavily getting up, while Raphael is looking at him with a mixture of joy and sudden skepticism. "Looks like someone has to take the lead"
…
During the next weeks he often wishes he would have just stayed on the clearing, alone and far from the trouble that heaven means now. There is so much to fix, so many to prevent from rebelling and Michael at first takes control with the ease and confidence of someone who has been a leader for all his life, but it soon just gets too much for him, suffocating him.
He can´t hide anymore. He is constantly reminded of Lucifer and Gabriel and of what happened to them. He sees the injured and broken angels and his hatred for Lucifer grows rapidly, as well as his self hatred. There is just so much to do and he needs someone to talk to in this mess, he needs a confidant, and the one he is looking for isn´t Raphael, though Raphael is doing his best as always.
He needs Lucifer, HIS Lucifer, the one he could trust with everything, the one he was always closest to, his oldest little brother, the one to share his load. In the few quiet moments he catches, he sees Lucifer laughing in the garden, laughing like back when he was a fledgling. He sees Lucifer playing with Gabriel, the two of them so close, so much alike and he forces himself to shut those memories away.
Lucifer is a traitor.
Gabriel is dead.
Gabriel is dead, because of Lucifer´s treachery.
Lucifer deserves the pit.
He did the right thing throwing Lucifer into the pit.
He wouldn´t get through the day without those five sentences, repeated to himself over and over again, a mantra Michael quickly becomes dependent of. I did the right thing, he tells himself again and again, I did the right thing.
If only Lucifer hadn´t screamed like that, when he fell.
…
And then Raphael starts making problems. It begins with offhand remarks and questions, that he swallows as quick as he makes them and Michael does his best to try and ignore them, but they keep getting more and more frequent.
"Is the cage meant to be permanent?"
"Do you think he suffers much down there?"
"He doesn´t even know Gabriel is dead, does he? I mean, we should probably tell him, but I don´t know if I can do that to him. You know how close they were"
"I really miss them both"
"Is there no way Lucifer can redeem himself? I ´m not defending his actions, Michael, I just..."
"Then what exactly do you think you are doing?", Michael finally snaps. "You ARE defending a traitor Raphael, don´t try to hide it!"
"I...Are you serious, Michael?", Raphael snaps back. "Lucifer is our brother, or have you forgotten that? To be honest, I almost regret dragging you out of the garden, I mean, all of this is hard, but what was up with you the past weeks? You punish the little ones at every mention of Lucifer, during a time when they are deeply upset and the last thing they need is punishment! You imprisoned Gadreel and Abner basically for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Since when do we even HAVE a prison? And you apparently want to let Lucifer rot forever, even though that doesn´t solve any problems. What do you think he learns down there, scared and alone? How to behave better? I don´t think..."
"That´s enough!", Michael roars. "You wanted me to rule, so now I rule and all you do is complain and speak for Lucifer. Lucifer deserves the pit and I don´t want to talk about this anymore!"
"Gadreel and Abner..."
"If they would have just payed attention, none of this would have happened. Who knows, maybe they were on Lucifer´s side all along. They have Gabriel´s blood on their hands, they..."
"Michael, do you even hear yourself talk? That´s ridiculous...Ow!"
It´s the first time Michael really hits one of his brothers and he doesn´t regret it. On the contrary, he is still fuming with rage. Raphael wanted him to do the job, Raphael dragged him from the quiet garden into this horror and now he doesn´t even try to help, just criticizing everything Michael does and defending traitors.
"Go", he tells the last brother, he has left, ignoring his shocked expression and the way he carefully reaches up to touch his burning cheek. "Go and don´t you dare interfere with me again, or this was the least you can expect. I´m warning you now Raphael, and I´m only warning you once."
Raphael vanishes, silenced by the shock, but Michael is still fuming. The need to punish someone, for the mess his life has become, for the destruction, for Gabriel´s death, that has been lurking in him since he stepped out of the garden and that has broken out in bits and pieces, when hearing angels talk about Lucifer, or seeing Gadreel and Abner, who could have prevented all of this, has turned into a roaring beast. It´s the kind of rage that made him give Lucifer the final push, the kind of rage that you have to give in to, or it devours you.
It´s all a spontaneous decision and he doesn´t think of the consequences, like he should have done.
Like he really should have done.
He calls Naomi and watches her as she appears, leaning shyly at the door frame, overjoyed to have been called to him for the first time after That Day, but also not quite sure what to make of this new Michael, she doesn´t know how to deal with.
Naomi has always been one of Michael´s favorites. You aren´t supposed to have favorites amongst the ones you raise, but everyone who has ever raised more than one child, knows that it is impossible. Naomi is intelligent, sweet and innocent, but she can also be a little troublemaker.
"You know, you don´t need a mini version of Gabriel, he is right here", was Lucifer´s comment about her and maybe, just maybe, he was right about that one. But now Gabriel isn´t there anymore and maybe that is why Michael chooses to call Naomi of all people.
"What do you want, Michael?", Naomi asks and it is adorable how she tries to hide her excitement. She is so sweet, like Gabriel was and that´s why he can´t allow here to be sweet any longer.
Sweetness gets you killed.
"Do you have your blade?", he asks her and nods when she shows it to him, totally unaware of what it about to happen. "Good, you are going to need it", he says, leading the way to the dungeon.
…
Raphael comes over him the next morning and Michael has never seen this particular brother so furious. Lucifer´s and Gabriel´s tantrums are nothing against this full blown anger.
"Michael, are you insane? What in all of creation have you done to Gadreel and Abner?"
That is actually a good question, Michael thinks, still caught in that strange bubble that has separated him from emotions over the last evening and has left his mind strangely empty, like everything that defines him is packed in cotton wool and he can´t reach it. He had not meant to go that far, had he? It´s funny how quick situations can escalated and how narrow the line between warrior and torturer is. Michael has never done the...things he has done last night to anyone before, but turns out it is nothing you really need to learn.
Not if you are out of your mind with grief and rage, desperate for a scapegoat and skilled with a blade.
He thinks of Naomi, of her shock and her screams that sometimes drowned out the ones of Gadreel and Abner. He remembers pressing her blade into her hand and saying "Now you", the way she twisted and kicked, and him taking her by the wrist and ramming her blade into Abner´s side. "See", he told her, forcing her to watch the blood gushing out of Abner´s body "That happens when you don´t control the stroke. And I can´t control it if you twist, so hold still for Fathers sake."
She called him a lot of things that night, but he never directly punished her for it, just put the blade back into her hand, while the whole thing escalated well beyond the point he wanted it to go and he felt himself going mad, bit by bit. A lot less sweet, he thought, when he finally allowed her to go. That´s good, she couldn´t have survived the way she was. No one can.
But he can´t tell any of this to Raphael, so he just asks: "How do you know about it?", actually sounding offended. "I´m the healer, have you forgotten that?" Raphael speaks calmly, with the anger just below the surface and which makes him sound way more dangerous than Lucifer ever sounded shouting or whining. "And now can you please tell me what the difference between you and Lucifer was again, because it sure isn´t the torture"
"So you are still defending that traitor?", Michael hisses, his mind still wrapped in cotton.
"I´m saying you are becoming as bad as him", Raphael tells him to his face.
And Michael snaps and calls Naomi.
"I told you I wouldn´t warn you again", he tells his brother as they bind him, Raphael´s eyes going wide as he realizes how dire the situation really is.
"You can´t do that!", he shouts, all his calm gone, throwing himself against the chains. "Michael, you can´t do that, I´m your brother! Michael, please, don´t do that to yourself!"
"Stop it!", Naomi screams. She has helped him topple Raphael willingly enough, but now she has become deathly pale, her eyes shooting around wildly like those of a trapped animal. "Michael, you are going to far! I´m not doing this anymore, I shouldn´t have done it in the first place, I´m not doing it, do you hear me? I´M NOT DOING IT!"
"Good", Michael answers, toppling headfirst into madness. "Then go sit in the corner and watch and if you move just one finger or try anything stupid, you are next"
Naomi doesn´t move. She is too intelligent to tempt him. She sits in the corner, knees pulled up to her chest, watching with dry eyes, because she knows that crying won´t change anything.
She watches how Michael experiments with torture on his own brother, the only one he has left and it hurts so much she wants to scream. She shares a few glimpses with Raphael, desperate eye contacts, to make sure the other one is still there, that there are persons in the world that aren´t evil and they both try not to think about what Michael has become, if it would have been better if Raphael had just left him alone in the garden.
Naomi prays the hardest she has ever prayed, but no one answers. And when Michael, her idol, the one she always wanted to be like, finally turns around to her and says: "You can go" and she runs out of the room, with a last glance at Raphael´s limp body, she realizes that it doesn´t hurt anymore. She doesn´t feel afraid, or angry, or tainted anymore.
Just numb.
…
And so time goes on. There comes the day when Michael´s rage stutters to an end, just as the one that made him push Lucifer into the pit without a blink did and he stands before the ruins of his world, shaking and sobbing, unable to admit that he himself has burned down everything that by chance was still standing after the first collapse.
Angels can play with time, a bit at least, but he knows that some actions you can´t take back, so he stumbles on into the only direction possible.
Forward.
Along the path he made for himself.
He starts praying and doesn´t ever stop again. He learns to look the brother he destroyed and that he can´t ever fix again into the eyes without breaking down and somehow life goes on.
There comes the day when "reeducation" as it is called now, becomes a normal expression in heaven. There comes the day when Naomi doesn´t complain about her role anymore, but does it willingly, even asking for equipment, because just angel blades "get boring" (At that point even Michael stops asking questions) There comes the day when Michael closes the garden forever, because it just hurts to much and forbids entry to everyone besides Joshua.
And it is strange how good heaven works.
People say a lot about Michael, but no one ever denied that he is a master organizer and nothing kills rebellion as fast as routine. There are no limits to what you can get used to with routine.
The years pass and pass and heaven finds a strange kind of peace, constantly expanding, running through routines, a well honed clockwork, a functioning army camp. Yes, there are stutters in the machine and there is reeducation, but not as much as one would think, as the years pass often the threat of it is enough to get someone in line. Most angels aren´t even unhappy, the ones that learn the rules, do their duty and hide their emotions, are left alone by Naomi and her coworkers and often aren´t even aware of that special corner of heaven.
Time goes on and earth changes faster with each century, while heaven never changes, all the shields people make for themselves now carefully in place and Michael looks over the garrisons and barely any angels have died since Lucifer´s rebellion. I took their free will to keep them safe and it worked, he thinks and maybe he should feel triumph, but he just feels like throwing up.
And heaven works and works and works always through the same routines, until some idiot opens up a hell gate, so Michael goes to close it and there in who-knows-where Wyoming he feels a presence that can´t be.
"You", Gabriel says shaking and through the mist of buried memories Michael can barely hear him. "You did this to Raphael. You..." He rubs his eyes, groaning loudly. "I swear, I will never make fun of other peoples dysfunctional families again, because this is just... sick"
Michael can´t really defend himself, because his guilt is absolutely infesting the archangel bond at that point and also he doesn´t know if he even wants to deny what he did. But he knows that he can´t loose Gabriel again, he just can´t.
"Gabriel, please...", he whispers.
"Please what?" Gabriel´s eyes are wide, his voice incredulous. "Please forgive me I fucking brainwashed Raphael? That´s not how it works, Michael, that´s not how it works at all"
He throws a glance at Raphael, who is mostly looking confused, but also deeply hurt, like he has finally understood a vital part of his life and that knowledge is now killing him. Gabriel tries a Trickster grin that fails immediately, turning his back to Michael and forcing his voice to be steady when addressing Raphael.
"What do you say? You come with me and we are getting out of this mess?"
Raphael looks like he is actually contemplating that option and Michael panics. "Gabriel!", he tries, grabbing for his little brothers jacket, which probably wasn´t the best idea, because attacked from behind Gabriel panics in turn, kicking for Michael´s shine, then twisting out of his grip and vanishing in less than a second, leaving behind Michael and Raphael and an eerily quiet abandoned warehouse.
"So what exactly did you do to me?", Raphael asks shaking.
"Just go back to heaven", Michael wheezes out and Raphael obeys, probably only because he isn´t ready for the actual answer to that question.
The moment he vanishes, Michael collapses on the floor, pressing his face against the cool concrete and wishing for the world to end right now.
Oops, I kind of turned into Michael while writing this chapter. Establishing a system that is way more brutal then you intended, during a fit where it seemed a good idea, then just going with it, because you are unable to admit it.
I´m sorry. I will go easier on them next chapter.