Calm down, Gabriel tells himself over and over again, pressing his fists together and trying not to blow up the mountain, he instinctively fled to. The holy one where no one ever goes, because that apparently desecrates it. Well, he would rather blow up a holy mountain, than a human being, so right now with the danger of accidentally going nuclear, this is probably the best place for him. Calm down, calm down, CALM THE FUCK DOWN!
It doesn´t work.
Obviously.
He can´t stop the shaking, no matter how hard he tries. Every time he has calmed himself down just a little bit, he sees the empty look in Raphael´s eyes again, the look in these dead eyes, or feels Michael´s arm on his sleeve, grabbing him, trying to hold him, drag him to heaven and he couldn´t allow that, he just couldn´t.
He remembers Michael´s overwhelming guilt and the horrible story that it told. He was so eager to go back to heaven only half an hour ago, but now the mere thought that he almost trusted the being Michael has become, almost went to heaven with him, to probably end up like Raphael, the first time he said something that Big Brother doesn´t agree on, makes him want to throw up.
Raphael!
"I´ve not abandoned you", he whispers to himself and to the bond, trying to make Raphael hear it, but shut out Michael at the same time. "Just...hold on a few hours and I will get myself a plan. I will get you out of there, I promise I will"
No answer, but then again, he isn´t very good with the bond, after all the years of shielding from it and trying to shut it down. Probably he was just talking to himself right now and there was no possibility that Raphael could have heard him.
Or he was too scared to answer.
Gabriel groans loudly, running one hand through his already messed up hair and trying to order his equally messed up thoughts.
Michael and Raphael were both so different from what he remembered them to be, Raphael barely recognizable at first (no, don´t think about it, you though about it enough, now stop, please stop) that he can almost pretend to himself that they were some sort of illusion, imposters to bring him down, maybe following him since the hell gate, like that mass of demons that almost got him and Kali on the market probably did.
The market seems like ages ago.
That was back when Kali still thought he was Loki. That was before he stupidly revealed himself, allowing Michael to find him. That was before Michael briefly gave him all the hope in the world, just to let it come crashing down again.
He wishes he could tell himself that these weren´t his real brothers and live on in what now seems a sweet illusion. But he deep down he knows it was them and he has already hesitated way to long to see Lucifer for what he was back then, he can´t allow himself that luxury again. Can´t play little, innocent brother this time around.
He still hesitates seeing Lucifer as the devil actually, especially in the light of what Michael did.
Yes, Lucifer tortured humans, but Michael tortured his own family! That has to be worse somehow, right?
He forces himself to take another breath and calm down as far as possible.
Alright, so Michael is a monster in control of heaven (everything about that thought hurts so much, he just wants to deny and ignore that problem as long as possible, like he did when Lucifer went mad, but he can´t allow himself to do that. Not this time!) and Raphael is trapped under his control, along with probably everyone else, but the other angels he saw didn´t seem that bad off.
He almost smiles for real, remembering Balthazar, who was different for sure, but not brainwashed different, but then he remembers a little moment that he didn´t deem very important back then, just before the warehouse. Michael sending Balthazar back to heaven with some threat and the way Balthazar obeyed immediately and in retrospective obviously afraid.
He makes a fist, pressing it to his thigh and trying very hard not to slam it into the ground beside him. With the amount of helpless anger currently rushing through him, it would probably really blow up the mountain and after all the surprisingly good restraint he has managed till now, that would be kind of a frustrating ending.
Not to mention that he already has enough enemies and no place to go to, he doesn´t need one of his last refuges destroyed and a furious local deity on his heels.
This thought hits a week spot. As much as he just wants to storm into heaven and take over, or alternatively grab Raphael, Balthazar and as many others as he can and run out again, doing it right now would be stupid in the best case and suicide in the worst. He knows that he is seriously messed up, he can´t concentrate, heck, he can´t even decide what he basically wants to do, other then the maybe a bit too basic stop-Michael-from-hurting-people-and-rescue-Raphael.
He needs a place to crash, somewhere where he can get himself together and the mountain is getting too lonely for that. Maybe it is because he grew up always having three older brothers around him, but Gabriel isn´t very good at being alone, always trying to fill the void somehow, even if he barely allows himself anything permanent.
He needs people, people he knows, but heaven is obviously closed to him, humans would barely understand him now and he is still on bad terms with Odin since he ran away as Loki, so Asgard would probably also kick him out.
How did he end up so alone?
There is a thought in the back of his head, that there is still one place, one person, but she would probably kill him, after the most recent events? Would she?
His head is swimming and loneliness is burning through him like holy fire.
Damn it, he NEEDS to crash somewhere and Kali is the best option he has left. And if she wants to kill him, that maybe wouldn´t be the worst end.
He doesn´t allow himself to think any further about that one. Raphael needs him, he has to pull himself together.
Moments later he is standing in front of Kali´s apartment door within the Kalighat temple. It is open to the public, showing him how much he has lost all sense of time. People shot him strange looks, but he doesn´t feel like doing anything about his disheveled appearance and just knocks at the completely smooth wall as inconspicuous as possible. Probably the first time he knocks when visiting her (or anywhere for that matter), but for once he doesn´t want to make a big entry.
No answer, though he is fairly sure that she is in there. "Rude", he murmurs to himself, shooting a quick glance at his surroundings, "You knock for once in your life and no one answers"
That´s when he senses it, a second presence behind the door, something...Norse, and it doesn´t feel like a remain of him playing Loki. "That better not be Baldur", he murmurs helplessly, too afraid of loosing this last refuge to be angry at Kali. It´s not like he never cheated on her and she kind of broke up with him today (or yesterday), so that is not really the problem, but he can´t let Baldur see him like that. That kid is too full of himself anyway.
He knocks again (Morse code for "Baldur is a mama´s boy", just to concentrate on something) and sure enough the Northern presence disappears and the door flies open quite suddenly, leaving him suddenly faced by a very angry Kali, who turns into a worried Kali trying to hide said worry, as she takes in his appearance. He probably should have done something about the tear streaks he suddenly realizes, but it´s to late for that now, so he tries a Trickster grin, that fails almost immediately.
"Heya Kali. Sorry to ask again, but can I crash here for a moment?"
"Loki!", she manages, raising her arm to either slap him or hug him or both. "What the hell happened to you?"
He would have laughed about her expression, if he hadn´t felt so incredibly bad and the prospect of getting to her bed and not moving for the next decade hadn´t taken all the fight, that was somehow left, out of him.
He laughs anyway, only it is probably the worst forced laugh in the history of the planet. "Oh, you were just proven right. Christians are batshit crazy and you better avoid them. Also I´m feeling like shit, because I just left one of my brothers in the hands of my other brother, who apparently brainwashed him for years and yeah… my family is kind of a mess. Now can you please let me in, because for the humans it looks like I am talking to a wall and I think it´s only a matter of time before they throw me out for being drunk or whatever, thank you"
Ops, that was definitely more than he wanted to say and not exactly how he wanted it to say, but she grabs him by the collar and pulls him in, slamming the door shut behind him, so hey, it kind of worked.
Awkward silence follows. There is entirely too much awkward silence today. Gabriel throws a longing look into the direction of the bed, but even he can understand that this would probably be too much asked, so he says quickly: "I can sleep on the couch" Her couch isn´t too bad either.
"You don´t sleep, Loki!", she snaps and there she has a point, but normally he doesn´t knock either and he just wants to forget the world, even for a little while. He is so tired of everything, he doesn´t even care about her calling him Loki the second time around now.
Who cares about names anyway? There was a time he thought you could escape everything by changing your name, but he was wrong about that, like about so many other things. Like Michael. Or Lucifer. Or Raphael.
Some part of his subconscious realizes that Kali has said something and forces his mouth to manage a: "What?" "I said, angels don´t sleep, do they?", she answers surprisingly soft and patient, both of which normally aren´t her qualities at all. "I mean, you are not gods, but..."
"No, no, no", he interrupts her. "We don´t sleep, that was just a stupid expression. Also, my day was really hard, so can I please have the couch anyway?"
He doesn´t wait for the answer, staggering across the room and letting himself sink into the soft pillows, trying to block out the world. She doesn´t violently drag him down, or kill him, so that counts as a yes from her.
He sinks into a strange feverish state and while angels really don´t sleep and he knows that he is awake and could be lucid if he had the strength to make an effort, he could swear that he is in the garden, only it is a dark and twisted version, with black grass and smoke in the sky. Lucifer is in one corner, torturing humans, while Michael is in the other torturing angels, Raphael in particular and Raphael is screaming for Gabriel, and Gabriel is screaming too, running to safe his brother, but he can never reach him. Eventually he bumps into someone, crashing into the black grass and he knows who it is before he lifts his head. This feeling is absolutely unique and you never forget it once you know it.
"Go on", Death tells him. "Survive"
"I can´t", Gabriel whispers. "Please, I can´t go on"
"Just remember it was you who said that, not me", Death answers, mustering him with his usual emotionless stare.
Then he goes off, into the direction of Michael and Raphael, and Gabriel wants to scream something, anything, but he is too weak, all he can do is sob quietly to himself, while the screams of humans and angels echo all around him.
After that it all becomes a blur. A mad blur including Death and Odin, Michael and Raphael, Lucifer and Father, Kali and Balthazar, Mercury and Baldur and they are all around him, telling him how to behave, but he can´t understand a word and he isn´t sure if he wants to.
"Gabriel! Loki! Gabriel, come on!"
He snaps out of it, finding himself buried deep between the pillows of Kali´s couch. She is sitting cross legged on the bed, starring at his as if she isn´t quite sure what to make of him.
Well, he isn´t sure what to make of himself.
"Are you sure angels don´t sleep?", she asks and only now he realizes that pieces of glass are clinging to her hair and dress and are dispersed over pretty much the whole room. "Because if you smashed those windows intentionally, I will freaking kill you. I thought you were an angel not a banshee!"
Oh, shit!
"Did I scream?", he asks to tired to care about pride.
"You were screaming and glowing and I saw your wings, so yeah…" Kali tries to seem casual like things like that happened in her apartment every day, but obviously they don´t and she can´t quite play around that. "Loki...I mean Gabriel, I know you now for how long? Five hundred years? Longer? There were always some things strange about you, but now that I know who you are I must say you were extraordinary good at hiding, especially considering that you seldom shut your mouth"
He tries to interrupt her, but she shoots him a death glance, raising one hand and he sinks back into the pillows, deciding not to risk it.
"You held yourself together for more than five hundred years and now you go full on angel twice in twenty-four hours. You are going into dreamlike states, you are uncharacteristically submissive, you even knock..." She takes a deep breath. "You are a mess and you know it. I know more than you would want me to anyway. Don´t you think I deserve to know the rest?...Hey, are you listening to me, angel?"
Gabriel is starring at the broken windows with a whole new kind of horror in his eyes. "So, if I went full on angel, does that mean they can track me again?", he asks and Kali doesn´t know if he is talking to her or to himself, but she answers anyway. "Well, it´s not like this apartment isn´t protected. Normally I would say, no, they can´t, but then I don´t know enough about angels and you idiot of course went back to your only refuge they know of, if with "they" we are talking about Michael and the gang, so..."
"Understood", he interrupts her. "Sorry, have to go"
She is on him within seconds, pressing him back into the pillows. "No, you don´t. It will probably still take them some time, or can you feel them anywhere near?" He reluctantly shakes his head. "Good", she continues. "Then we have some time in which you can tell me the rest"
The rest. Not like that is about his whole life, including some things that he can´t ever talk about to anyone or something like that…
He can´t talk about the warehouse or Lucifer´s rebellion or what happened to Raphael, not right now, not without going mad, but he has no idea how to make Kali understand that, so he clings to the nearest straw, another thought that has been going through his head and that he never has talked about to anyone, growing larger and more elaborate for centuries.
"I was just wondering", he says, like they are on a date in a nice bar, just chatting away. "Was our father drunk when he gave us these names, or was it just plain cruelty? I mean he is omniscient, at least in theory, so he must have known how it would all play out. Freaking bastard"
"Gabriel, that is about the worst topic change ever!", she complains, but he sees curiosity glimmering in her eyes. As much as she wants to get to the basics, she knows that she can´t beat it out of him and she has never heard him talk about his angel life before. Keeping the conversation where he wants to, but still around angels, could be less painful for him and an easy way to get information for her. And she apparently takes the unspoken deal by asking after a short pause: "What do you mean, your names are cruel? Names like Michael?"
Even though it was meant just a distraction from the really bad topics, he can feel himself slipping into a strange anger and fervency and he hurries to reply.
"It´s Hebrew", he explains. "Mikha´el. Which I am actually more comfortable with at this point, there are just to many humans called Michael around. I keep thinking of Michael Jackson and there are some pictures you don´t want in your head..." He pauses shortly, shaking his head rapidly. "Anyway", he continues. "The beautiful thing about this name is, that it is actually a question. Who is like God? to be precise. So my strict, follow-dad-at-all-costs-even-if-it-means-torturing-your-own-brothers-brother, the one to afraid to question anything, not only has a question for his name, it also just happens to be one that could be considered blasphemy. Isn´t that just great?"
Wow, that turned into more of a lecture, but Kali seems interested and he can´t seem to stop any more. "Oh, but wait, it gets even better", he continues, getting quicker, because now his thoughts are back at the warehouse, exactly where he didn´t want them to go."Raphael. Rafa`el. God heals. Well, not him apparently, otherwise he wouldn´t walk around like a brainwashed zombie, which he actually kind of is and I have no idea how to get him back from that, so I call bullshit on that one"
"And of course the highlight. Lucifer. Which actually isn´t even Hebrew, in case you were wondering, it´s Latin. Lightbringer. Well, if he meant hellfire I won´t argue, my point being, yes, of course, give three of your sons similar structured names all ending on "God" in one language, and then call the fourth one something completely different in another language. Brilliant, just brilliant. Wonder who is going to rebel, YOU UTTER BASTARD!"
He definitely didn´t plan that outburst when he started to talk, but now all he can do is press his fists close to him and try not to burst the remains of the windows, that have somehow remained in the frame during his first attack.
"Don´t", Kali says sharply and all of the sudden the energy is drained out of him and he sinks back into the pillows, trapped into a different sort of memory, filled with less anger, but equally depressing after a while.
"You know, I think it all started with the names", he says, mentally back in the garden, in that strange, busy time when it wasn´t just the four of them any more, but everything still seemed well, if only mostly because his young, naive self was good at ignoring the tensions that were slowly building between Michael and Lucifer. "Well, maybe not everything and of course there was much more afterwards, but that was the first time I saw how scary Michael and Lucifer can be, when they fixate on an opinion and won´t let go of it at any cost"
"All angels think their names are God given, but for the most part, they are wrong", he says, without even looking at Kali. He isn´t talking for her anymore, he is talking for himself now. "The archangels` are and some of the older ones too, but as you probably realized by now, He was a shitty dad and his attention span just wasn´t that long. I think he became bored with it, making a great ceremony out of naming us archangels was still fun, but when he went crazy creating fledglings, he would after a while just dump them of in the garden and we were left standing there with a tiny feathery bundle and had to take care of it and name it"
"And that´s where it started. Michael thought we should only them give names ending in -el, because that meant God and seemed to be the rule with our names. And Lucifer just starred at him and asked: "What is with me? My name doesn´t end in -el" I can still see him today, that´s what he always looked like right before going into a tantrum"
Gabriel briefly interrupts himself, realizing that the last time he told someone so much about his family was like...never. But Kali is a surprisingly good listener and he has never spoken about that particular story to anyone before, since they kept it secret from the younger angels and later it went under with everything else that had happened. Finally getting it of his chest, may not be exactly what he needs, but it is...something.
"I´m not a fan of what ifs..." he continues, conscious that he is coming to one of the most painful what ifs of all time. "...but wanna guess what the world would be like now, if Michael had just given in and told Lucifer that everything was fine with him and that of course he belonged to us and that he could name the fledglings whatever he wanted? Okay, whatever he wanted probably would have been a stupid idea…", he muses, thinking about what he and Lucifer considered a name back then.
"The point is, they had their first real argument. Both too stubborn for their own good. For Michael it was about rules and pleasing Father, so he would pay attention to us and the little ones, but for Lucifer it was about belonging and I don´t think Michael ever fully understood that. Heck, I didn´t understand it back then, but then I missed a lot at that time"
"I think Raphael was the only one who understood both parts", he continues, a stab of pain going through him at the pure mention of that name. "and he was the one who came up with a solution. Actually it was about the simplest thing possible, but it had to come from a third party or they wouldn´t have accepted it. All four of us got to name the fledglings in turn and everyone could do it after their own rules, as long as the names didn´t get too absurd or discriminating. That rule probably was for me..."
He drags of after that, starring at the ceiling and seeing the garden, wonderful nights long passed. "And?", Kali asks, now apparently quiet intrigued with the story and he pulls himself out of it.
"Oh, they got along again after that. We invented a little ceremony. Every time Father would drop us a fledgling, we would sit down in the garden under our favorite tree and Michael held the fledgling, while whoever´s turn it was, named him. Afterwards we would sit up the whole night, just the four of us and the little one, taking turns in holding him. Everyone deserves a night of being the center of attention, said Michael" Gabriel lets out a sigh, that he is barely aware of. "I always focus on the garden memories when it was just the four of us, but damn, that were some of the best nights of my life too"
"That doesn´t sound like the name argument had too bad consequences", Kali says carefully, but Gabriel disagrees, slightly shakes his head.
"No, it did. It was strange back then. On one hand Michael and Lucifer were never so close as at that time, when heaven suddenly became an organization nightmare and they needed to rely on each other to keep it working. On the other hand… they never really let go of it. Michael always gave the fledglings -el names, no matter how ridiculous it got. There are angels with 18 syllable names because of it. In turn Lucifer never gave one single -el name. Raphael and I meanwhile were like children with divorced parents, trying to please everyone and keeping it at fifty-fifty when it was our turn. The nights with the fledglings belong to the best of my life, but the discussions we always had in advance were terrifying"
"Thanks to Raphael and me you can´t tell, who named an angel, but you can always tell who didn´t. It wasn´t that important afterwards, I mean, of course you always felt a connection to the ones you named, but Michael´s favorite was..." He stops for a moment pulling himself together before he continues. "...Naomi and I´m not even sure who named her, I just know it couldn´t have been Michael. But I think for Michael every random name felt like Lucifer was risking Father´s anger out of pure spite and for Lucifer every -el name felt like Michael was trying to kick him out and those feelings all came up again in the worst possible way when everything crashed"
Silence. He doesn´t know how to go on anymore, feeling utterly spent, by having focused on all those memories again. He feels like he is back in one of those nights, sitting in a loose circle with his brothers, leaning on Raphael, while Michael offers the newly named fledgling to Lucifer as a way of making peace after the discussion before, seeing Lucifer carefully taking that fledgling and smiling down at the little one, while letting him play with his fingers.
Maybe that is why he can never call Lucifer the devil. Who could, after seeing him gently playing with fledglings so many times, as he did?
"Wow", Kali interrupts his thoughts "Ever thought of speaking audio books?"
Gabriel barely hears her. The thought of Lucifer with fledglings has taken him back to a different night, one where he himself got to play big brother almost all of the night…
"Balthazar is one of mine", he says and at the memory he can feel himself smile for real the first time that day. "Michael didn´t think it sounded right for an angel, but Lucifer and Raphael were on my side, so that was it. I held him most of the night. He may have been one of the messiest fledglings ever, but I wouldn´t have let him go for the world"
"Wasn´t he the one dying of laughter?", Kali asks and he is slightly surprised that she remembers Balthazar.
"Yup, hasn´t become that much quieter, but well, I still would do everything for the kid", he claims, maybe a bit melodramatic, but meaning it with all his heart.
They slip into a peaceful silence after that and Gabriel realizes half surprised that he has really succeeded in calming himself down. The warehouse seems far away and fledgling memories of Balthazar all the nearer. He smiles to himself, about a memory of little Balthazar resting in his arms after an exhausting day of pranking Michael (Michael found them in the garden, looked at them for a moment, then scoffed and walked away hit by a clear overdose of cuteness), when Kali suddenly says: "Strength of God", causing him to shoot up again. Damn it, he didn´t think she spoke Hebrew.
"Gabriel is Strength of God, isn´t it?"
"More like God is my strength", he corrects, just to buy himself some time, the peace gone and a new wave of bitterness washing over him "But since God´s strength seem to be running away and leaving a mess, I would stick to you version", he adds in a slightly masochistic way.
She doesn´t comment on that.
"Would be nice of you to contradict me in some way", he adds after a while.
"I´m not nice, I never was", she gives back, rising from her position on the bed. "But I could help you run away again if you want to", she adds after a short pause, holding out one hand to him.
"Run away and leave a mess?", he asks, mostly to win time, but he can´t help a little grin. So, visiting Kali didn´t turn out at all like he thought it would, and he can´t decide if he has given away more or less than he planned to, or access what she made of it, but it seems he has won her over and damn, he could use an ally.
"Some messes you better leave behind, don´t you think?", she replies and at that he takes her hand, pulling himself up from the depths of the couch.
"Fair enough, but you better have a plan, because I am blank for once"
"Maybe I do. Just...how much are you able to hurt Michael?"
Her hand suddenly feels heavy in his. He looks into her eyes, seeing a goddess of destruction and he sees Michael in the garden, in one of those nights, smiling and holding a fledgling, he sees Michael and Lucifer arguing over names, when it never really was about names, he sees Raphael´s empty eyes in the warehouse and he honestly can not answer that question.