It was one of the best days of Balthazar´s life, seeming almost like a dream. Sure, it started with him thinking Gabriel had been brutally murdered, just after reappearing after years and years in which everyone but Balthazar believed him dead and then went on with the most traumatic use of olive oil in the history of creation, but it impossibly managed to make up for that.

The house in Bali on the perfect beach, childishly wrestling for the TV remote, sweets, talking about the good times in heaven, talking like it would only be a matter of time for the good times to return, having hope again...

Gabriel.

Gabriel smiling, Gabriel laughing, Gabriel caring for him, worrying about him, Gabriel just being there.

Sure, it was far from perfect. Kali being there wasn´t perfect, not having actual plans for the future wasn´t perfect and opening up about reeducation was just plain horrible, but still Balthazar would have without a second thought traded his life for those few hours with the brother he always looked up to.

So how, Balthazar asks himself shaking, with tears still burning his eyes, hurting all over and drowning in guilt for escaping when Gabriel did not, how did it all go down the drain so fast?

He has no idea where he is and frankly doesn´t care. South America, the part of him that reeducation got to always work like it should, unhelpfully supplies and he almost screams at it to shut up and leave him alone, but then resolves that he hasn´t yet gone mad enough to scream at himself, even though he certainly isn´t very far from that point.

The last events are a blur. Discussing with the Norse wasn´t bad yet, almost funny in fact and strangely uplifting. Him and Gabriel standing together against a foe, fighting side by side, what could be better to complete a dramatic reunion? He was almost looking forward to that fight, almost enthusiastic about killing these assholes, who wanted to kill his brother, because of some stupid story and afterwards going to find Kali and kill her too, for betraying his brother and breaking his heart.

The rest is only pain and fear, morphing quickly into absolute terror. Balthazar is sure that nothing, not even reeducation, will ever let him forget that timeless, horrible and yet – in a very twisted way - beautiful moment, when he and Gabriel both thought they only had this one moment left, just one moment, before Gabriel would die one of the most horrible and painful deaths imaginable.

He forced himself to watch every single second of it, no matter how much it hurt, how his heart and spirit were shattering in a way Naomi could only dream of achieving. If Gabriel had to die like this, it was the most important thing in the world to let him know that he wasn´t alone. That Balthazar was there for him to the very end, even if he couldn´t reach him; that Gabriel was still important, still loved, even if most of the people he had ever loved himself, had turned on him.

Balthazar still can´t process what happened next. He was just praying for this to be over quickly, so Gabriel wouldn´t have to suffer so much and then suddenly Gabriel was laughing and the Norse were gaping and Frigga released his grip on him just an inch…

He believes that the oil didn´t work for some reason and that Gabriel is alive. He believes that, but believing isn´t the same as knowing. He should have ran to Gabriel, should have killed Hoder, saved his brother, should have done something, instead of losing it and fleeing madly without so much as a destination, leaving Gabriel alone.

He believes Gabriel is alive, but he scared out of his mind, that that´s just something his brain made up to cope. Maybe Gabriel laughed out of despair, driven mad by the pain. Maybe Frigga´s grip lessened, because she didn´t think him important anymore in her triumph. Maybe Gabriel never even laughed and maybe Balthazar never even got away.

If reeducation taught Balthazar one thing, it´s that your can´t trust your own mind. Not ever.

He is hiccuping violently, not sobbing like a baby, definitely not sobbing in utter shock. He pulls his arms close around him and even though he really shouldn´t feel that part of shock, he feels extremely cold and detached from the world.

Can humans die of emotional shock?, he asks himself and checks up on his vessels soul just in case, just to remember that there was a little accident with enormous archangel power being released and a building exploding over his head. It´s not his first vessel to have died and it´s more or less considered a normal thing among the angels for the vessels not to survive very long and also vessel souls have a VIP lounge in heaven reserved for them. So why is that death hitting him so hard and making him feel even more like the world is one huge mess up and he hasn´t got a snowballs chance to escape.

He doesn´t know long he cowers there, in this place that doesn´t even feel like a place, just trying to pull himself together and falling apart, again and again.

"There you are, Christian! You are hard to find, you know that? Almost had to summon you, even though I knew from where you started… Wait, where is Gabriel?"

He has her tackled to the ground within a second, heart beating so fast in his vessel, he is sure he is going to blow it up by accident, hopefully hurting her in the process. He is so eager to hurt her, desperate to hear that bitch scream in pain, that even Naomi would have backed off from him, declaring him a psychopath.

"You dare ask that? You dare turn up here and act as if I should be happy to see you, when you sold him, broke his heart and gave them the means to kill him in the worst way possible? THEY WERE GOING TO BURN HIM, KALI, BURN HIM ALIVE BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOU DARE TURN UP HERE? YOU SEARCH FOR ME? HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?"

He wanted to end that speech by shoving his blade into her heart, but realizes belatedly, that it got thrown out of his hand when Gabriel blew up the house and then got picked up by Frigga of all people and that that psycho has still got it. He opts for punching her in the face instead, which results in a satisfying crunch, but her being a goddess has most certainly no effect on her true form.

Speaking of true form, hers has a bit too many arms for his liking, as she struggles to get out of his grip, but he doesn´t let go, doesn´t even flinch, when she gets a few good hits at him. He may not be a god like her, not even an archangel like Gabriel, but he will be damned if he let´s her get away. This ends here and now, even though he has no idea how he is suppose to end her without his blade and with his grace still weak from Gabriel´s accident.

She actually tries to set him on fire and he screams at her in his true voice, his weakened grace flaring, as the ground shakes beneath them. He wants to kill her, needs to kill her, but he knows that he can´t hold her much longer. It would be another thing with his angel blade and on full power, but while Gabriel healed his vessel, his grace suffered by having to fend of an enormous blow and there aren´t many angels, who can fix grace. He isn´t even sure how he is holding down Kali at the moment. Probably pure stubbornness, with a dash of bloodlust.

He screams again, out of frustration that he´ll have to let Kali go sooner or later. The moment she realizes he is mostly bluffing and can´t do more than effect seekingly blow up a few windows or rip the asphalt, he is lost. Can´t the world be on his side for just one freaking moment?

Kali has gone surprisingly limp, but disappointingly she still is very much alive. "I think this is stalemate", she observes calmly, as if they were talking about the weather, not fighting to the death. "I can´t get away, you can´t kill me, so why don´t we do this like I wanted to do in the first place. You listen when I talk and in return I won´t try to get free anymore. Deal?"

"I thought you said you couldn´t get free anyway", Balthazar grunts, now fully bluffing, since she very well could, if she tried a bit longer. Honestly, her stopping to defend herself is maybe the best result he can achieve right now, but he isn´t interested at all in what she might have to say. He is sick of her voice and doesn´t want to hear lies and stupid excuses. What did Gabriel ever see in her?

"I can still hurt you", she hisses. "And maybe you´ll want to hear this, so shut it and listen. Yes, I told Baldur about Loki being Gabriel..."

"You just lost the right to even talk to me"

"Oh, what do you want to do, Christian, punch me in the face again?"

"It´s Balthazar!"

"Calm down, Balthy, I..."

He breaks his vessels hand with that punch and doesn´t regret it at all. She barely manages to suppress her scream, which means that he got through to her true form, which is satisfying, but also that he subconsciously used his grace again, which goes more into the direction of horrifying, since he needs every drop right now. Still she won´t shut up and he kind of gives up. Despite himself, he is curious how she will try to wriggle out of this.

"I told Baldur, yes, but I didn´t know about that stupid story and also I didn´t think Gabriel would return so quickly"

"Were you just spitting his identity out to everyone, or what?"

"No, Baldur came by by chance… okay, we kind of were together, but I wanted to end it when Lo...Gabriel turned up the first time. Then I found out he had lied about his identity for centuries and you crazy angels turned up and left with him… and when Baldur turned up, I told him without thinking much about it. Don´t say you wouldn´t tell anyone!"

"Not the point!"

"Alright, I knew I had fucked up, when I felt him in Bali. So I went outside to look and throw him out, but then it was three of them and they knew how to kill me – opposite to you by the way-, so I gave them the olive oil, I tricked you with, told them it was holy oil and got out of the line. I thought that trick would give you enough time to escape, if it came to it, but apparently not. They still have Gabriel?"

Balthazar doesn´t answer. Well, there´s an explanation, the explanation he has craved for, to be able to rationalize his feeling, that his brother didn´t end as a pile of ashes. He can barely suppress a grin. If Kali is telling the truth – and well, she doesn´t really have a reason to do so, but still – then he can save Gabriel and they can eat sweets together as much as they want and watch horrible TV and talk about heaven how it used to be… damn, he just wants to get Gabriel back, wants to see him smile, to make sure his brother is alright.

He will probably regret this later, but he allows his heart to swell with hope.

"So they have him"

"Yeah, but I´m going to safe him", Balthazar announces and immediately curses himself. This came out so cheesy, she practically has no choice but make fun of it.

"While sitting on my chest? Alone against three gods? Sorry sweetie, but one way or another you´ll have to let me go"

He grinds his teeth in frustration, knowing that she is right. He´ll never be able to save Gabriel on his own, much less without letting Kali go. He is out of options and it makes him want to scream and punch something, or preferably someone.

There is an option actually, the most obvious option in the world and it has been in his mind from the very moment he got free from Frigga, but he has been pushing it away again and again. He doesn´t want to do this. He just got out, to come crawling back definitely wasn´t anywhere near his plan.

But going back to heaven might be the only way to get revenge on Kali and save Gabriel. And it´s his home after all, he shouldn´t hesitate like this, he is wasting precious time, when there is a perfectly good solution available.

Only that it isn´t perfectly good and he isn´t sure if he can consider heaven his home after all that was done to him there.

"Balthazar, that´s like rule number one!", he hears Gabriel say again, so much urge and worry in his voice, not quite able to grasp what has been done to his little brother over centuries. "If a country has "democratic" in it´s name, it certainly is a dictatorship and if someone says "reeducation" or some other fancy word, that sounds like brainwash the second time you think about it, you can bet it´s self righteous torture. In both cases you run and never look back, got that?"

And certainly don´t run back, once you got away.

Maybe they will reeducate…

Torture Gabriel is correcting him in his head and even though he never said those words, it sounds so much like him, Balthazar suspects the bond for a second. It´s torture what was done to you Balth, and by calling it reeducation, you only repeat the self excuse of the people that did it, till you believe it yourself. But here is no excuse for torture. There is no excuse for what they did to you.

Maybe they will torture him for running away with Gabriel. Since he brings them Kali and news of Gabriel being alive they probably won´t, but they will certainly keep an eye on him.

And one day, sooner or later, there will be that feeling again, that feeling that someone just ripped a massive hole in his past and there will be those quick surreptitious looks from the other angels and that insecurity and self-doubt, ripping him apart bit by bit.

One thing that made the last day so wonderful to him and that gave him the strength to tell Gabriel about reeducation, was the hope of never having to experience that horrible crushing feeling of loss again, without even knowing what was taken from him and if he is even still himself.

He got out, which is something he is barely able to progress yet and the mere thought of going back to heaven is making his stomach churn. Gabriel wouldn´t want him to either, Gabriel would tell him to stay away from Michael at all costs, to stay out of this mess.

But he can´t do this on his own and if he doesn´t go back to heaven, Gabriel will die. Sooner or later the Norse will kill him and what they might do to him before… Balthazar swallows hard. He is afraid of reeducation, but maybe it´s worth it, if he gets to safe Gabriel´s life. Only if the other angels safe Gabriel, they´ll want him to stay in heaven. And imagining Gabriel in what heaven has become over time, is near impossible.

Kali is taunting him, but he doesn´t listen anymore. It´s Gabriel´s life against his – and maybe Gabriel´s - freedom. And expressed like that, it isn´t really a choice anymore. He just can´t let his brother die, no matter how much his instincts scream against letting heaven gain control over him again.

"You are out options, just admit it!", Kali drawls and Balthazar summons all courage and strength he has left and yanks them both to heaven.

Or tries to at least. Kali has figured out his intent within seconds and it fighting him with all she has. Her finger are burning, digging into him and he feels like he is falling apart from the inside, his grace failing and all he can do is trying to hold his already shaky flight just one second more, just one second.

He needs to land somewhere close to other angels or he isn´t going to last for a second against Kali, but with his luck he is going to crash right in front of Zachariah or Naomi and he can´t allow that to happen, needs to calibrate, needs to…

And suddenly he is lying on the floor of one of the bright white corridors, Kali on top of him and there are Samandriel and Josiah starring at them and moment is just absolutely surreal.

"Is that…?", Samandriel gasps over the bond, the same moment he is saying it out loud and pointing at Kali. "Yes!", Balthazar manages a weak shout, unable to believe that he actually made that flight without dying and even landed in front of someone he likes. "Yes, she is! Get her!"

There is no more urging needed. Kali tries to flee of course, but within moments the corridor is full of angels, angel radio working nowhere better than in heaven. Balthazar ends up somewhere on the edge of the fight, leaning heavily against a door with "Arthur Douglas 1888-1943" written on it and deciding not to point out to the other angels that Kali didn´t in fact kill Gabriel, till they have her secured. That bitch betrayed them to the Norse after all, she deserves this.

The struggle is coming to an end fairly quickly. Kali may be a goddess of destruction and able to turn almost everything into a weapon, but fighting thirty enraged angels in heaven, can´t end well for anyone. "Samandriel, get Michael", Uriel is shouting through the corridor.

"Should we really disturb him in the garden?", Samadriel asks, clearly not keen on getting the suicide task and Balthazar listens up. The garden? Michael is in the garden? What on earth is going on? "He´ll have all our heads, if we have this abomination and don´t call him immediately", Uriel hisses back. "Now go!"

Samandriel vanishes and Balthazar closes his eyes for a moment, trying to figure out how the hell he is feeling and what he is even supposed to feel. While going back to heaven definitely felt like knowingly going back into a trap, he can´t deny that he is glad to have Kali contained. Glad to have other angels around him, especially the ones like Samandriel. He should probably talk to the younger angel later, good kid that one and he just got it bad having to deal with crazy archangels. With those thoughts Balthazar allows himself to slightly drift off.

When he comes back around again, a very familiar figure is standing over him, looking at him slightly confused and Balthazar just freezes, not really knowing how to react, not sure if he should hope for another miracle, when his little brother already pulled so many in the past. "Balthazar", Castiel is saying slowly, as if he just figured something out and a warm feeling spreads in Balthazar´s chest, despite everything else going on.

"You remember me?", he croaks out and Castiel is stares at him, like he always does when something confuses him and even does the freaking head tilt. "Of course", he says, like Balthazar is being really slow. "Why shouldn´t I?"

Oh, maybe because Naomi wiped your mind clean and I was really scared she destroyed you for good this time.

"No reason", Balthazar answers, barely resisting the urge to get up with his last strength, hug Castiel as tight as possible and never let him go again. "No reason at all. Just… can you stay with me for a bit? Just until Michael arrives and I have to figure out how to tell him about this mess, without getting exploded"

"I should go back on duty", Castiel replies, looking around with a hint of nervousness in his eyes and seeming like he is going to vanish any moment now. "I shouldn´t have left in the first place"

"Are you serious?", Balthazar burst out, suddenly desperate for him to stay and not sure how he can handle any of this on his own. He will have to talk to Michael about Gabriel, while the archangel will be more than eager to rip Kali apart and if that´s not a tricky situation, even if he were on full power and not feeling like shit, he doesn´t know what is. "Cassie, the whole corridor is full of people and no one is going back on duty, everyone wants to see what Michael will do, so relax, there won´t be consequences. Just five minutes. Please"

"I suppose..." Castiel sounds still on edge and after all that Naomi probably drilled into him subconsciously, who can blame him? It´s a freaking miracle, that he´s still able to even consider breaking orders. "I suppose I could stay for a bit"

And Balthazar leans back against the wall, breathing out while the world becomes a marginally better place.

By the time Michael and Raphael arrive, some kind of order has been established in the narrow corridor, with far too many angels pressed into it.

Kali is being held right in the middle by four angels, the others forming a circle, that´s more of a double lined oval to make more people fit0, around them. Balthazar is the only one sitting, leaning to the wall quite close to Kali, and Castiel is standing at his side like a wary watchdog, not even contemplating to leave anymore.

The archangels seem pretty ruffled, Balthazar notices with a bit of surprise and shock. Michael looks almost insecure, like he has lost all footing and is struggling to gain it again, and Raphael… Balthazar isn´t quite sure what to make of Raphael. His whole posture has changed and he is standing next to Michael, not behind him. Still, with the mindless-soldier-shell almost vanished, he too looks uncomfortable, like he has ditched one role, but has no idea what his new one is going to be and how he is going to fit in the whole play.

Balthazar has no idea if those changes are good or bad for him, but for the first time in years the archangels don´t seem like something alien, cold and untouchable. They seem real, alive somehow.

Michael goes straight for Kali and the corridor grows as quiet as a tomb. Not even Kali dares to make a sound, or quip about the situation, starring up at the oldest archangel with wide eyes.

Balthazar is very aware that disturbing Michael now is the stupidest thing one could possibly do, but he has waited for too long already. It´s not like he doesn´t want to see Kali suffer, but Michael certainly won´t make it quick and they don´t have time for this. Gabriel doesn´t have time for this. So he pushes himself up, only wavering slightly and drops the grenade, without leaving himself any time to think about the stupidity of the move.

"Gabriel is alive"

In the silence the words hit like a bomb, all eyes turning on him, but no one quite daring to say something acknowledging the possibility. They all heard Gabriel die after all. If this is just Balthazar going crazy, better not to get excited.

And then Michael turns and simply says "I´m aware" and the corridor explodes, as the emotions become impossible to suppress.

That was absolutely not the response Balthazar was expecting and nothing he was remotely prepared for. He has steeled himself for a discussion with an unwilling and grieving Michael, but "I´m aware"? He has so many questions about that one, but since he could formulate them anyway, he forces himself to wait until Michael and Raphael have got the other angels to quiet down again, then jumps right into it, letting himself get carried away.

"Are you also aware he has been captured by Norse Gods wanting to kill him? Are you aware that they wanted to burn his wings with holy fire and it´s only thanks to Kali that he didn´t die a horrible death? - Oh stop grinning Kali, you still betrayed him and didn´t move a finger while they took us- He is still in danger and he needs to be saved Michael, are you aware of that?"

Michael physically recoils, looking like he has been hit in the face and going pale so drastically Balthazar almost feels sorry for him. He can´t remember seeing another angel reacting so strongly and outwardly emotional since Lucifer´s rebellion, let alone an archangel and the fact that Michael was the one who violently taught them all to keep their emotions in and never let them show, makes the scene kind of pitiful and absurd.

"No, I´m not… I should have noticed, why didn´t I notice, why do I never notice?...", Michael is muttering almost to himself and at that point all the younger angels, who only know him as the cold leader, are way beyond confused and freaked out. This just isn´t the Michael they know anymore, this is someone else, someone broken and confused and they have no idea how to deal with this new Michael.

As long as the archangels behaved like they were above it all, it was easy to just ignore their problems and their difficult position, obeying them and secretly more or less hating it. The positions were clear, Michael was the leader and the others had to obey, but they didn´t have to look after him either. With Michael behaving like this, it´s impossible to ignore that he also has feelings and isn´t that different from the rest of them. It´s impossible to ignore his problems, because that´s easier than dealing with them.

Kali is clearly enjoying the show of Michael beating himself up, but there is something more in her eyes, Balthazar suddenly realizes, something calculating, knowing…

"I think you should ask Kali about that", he shoots in the dark and Kali´s briefly horrified expression tells him it was a hit.

"Why couldn´t I feel my brother, when he needed me? Why do I still can´t feel him?", Michael presses out, eyes blazing.

"Who knows?", Kali shrugs.

Balthazar would tell Michael to hurry up, because Gabriel is still very much in danger, but the oldest archangel seems very aware of that. It´s just that Michael apparently still can´t feel the bond and without the bond it will be very difficult to find Gabriel.

"I only ask this once more", Michael says and the tone of his voice is going to hold the angels in line for the next months way better than the threat of reeducation. "Why. Can´t. I. Feel. My. Brother?"

"You know you´ll basically declare war with Hindu mythology, if you attack me?", Kali shoots back.

And Michael smiles.

The next five minutes are one of the most terrifying experiences of Balthazar´s life. He wants to look away, but it is strangely fascinating to watch Michael expertly carve Kali up, without batting an eye. Is this what reeducation looks like? He can´t help but ask himself. Is this what they do to us?

And later when Kali is on the ground, cursing them all with breaking voice and Michael just wipes off his blade and hisses: "Do I look like I care?" Balthazar remembers again, why he was terrified of Michael, terrified of going back to heaven. He got a glimpse of the Michael beneath all the shells today. But the shells are still strong and Michael has long fallen off the edge. Sure, this is to safe Gabriel, but the routine and brutal efficiency with which Michael tortures, is just sickening.

Balthazar can feel his knees giving in and by the time he realizes, that his weakness isn´t only coming from fearing Michael, it´s too late and he barrels right into Castiel. His brother must have caught him, at least Balthazar doesn´t feel like he hit the floor, but suddenly he is there, lying in Castiel´s arms and starring up to the ceiling without really seeing it.

Castiel is calling his name and some other angels are too and somewhere in the background Kali is sobbing, but it all feels like it´s happening on another world.

Then suddenly someone is commanding the other angels to step away and Balthazar recognizes Raphael. He sees the archangel kneeling down next to him and Castiel and feels Castiel tense behind him, obviously not trusting Raphael, but thankfully not stupid enough to say that out loud.

Not like Balthazar trusts Raphael either. He doesn´t know if anyone does, Raphael being the mindless soldier, who sends people to reeducation on Michael´s command without blinking an eye.

"What happened to his grace?", Raphael is asking sharply. "That must have been an attack of considerable force… Castiel, stop this nonsense now and let me touch him!"

Balthazar is quite glad that Castiel is shielding him in the way he does, even more since it means that reeducation really didn´t break him, but sadly blocking Raphael isn´t an option either. He doesn´t know if Castiel remembers, but he remembers Raphael being a healer once, no, the healer and if anyone can fix this quickly-and Balthazar wants to be fixed quickly, he has to save Gabriel after all- it´s the archangel.

"Cassie, stop it", he whispers, just to feel suddenly very afraid when his little brother reluctantly lets go and Raphael looms over him. Sure, Raphael was a healer once, someone you could trust unconditionally and he has looked a bit more like it, after coming from the garden with Michael, but still that was a long time ago and the Raphael Balthazar has known for most of his life is someone you don´t want to have power over you, while being defenseless.

"Hold still", Raphael commands and Balthazar closes his eyes, shaking and expecting pain, but when the archangel touches his head all he feels is warmth and darkness softly engulfing him and his last clear thought is, that maybe there is still hope for all of them, if Raphael can go back from being Michael´s brainwashed instrument to being a kind healer.