"All right, I'm coming!" shouted Jonathan Crane, in response to the incessant, loud knocking on the apartment door. He adjusted the towel around his waist as he stormed down the hall. "I hope it's urgent – you've just interrupted my shower…"
He trailed off as the door opened. "H…Harley," he stammered, mentally kicking himself for not getting dressed before he'd opened the door as his whole body suddenly flushed red.
"Morning, Johnny!" she said, beaming at him. "Sorry to take you away from your shower, but Mr. J is…"
"I'm not Mr. J, for the last time!" shouted Bruce, storming past Crane into the room. "Is Tetch here too?"
"Jervis is out shopping," retorted Crane. "Honestly, Joker, you could have called first if you wanted to see us…"
"That's what I said!" exclaimed Harley.
"I'm not the Joker!" snapped Bruce.
"Oh. Then who are you?" asked Crane, slowly.
"Mr. J woke up this morning and decided he was Bruce Wayne," said Harley, rolling her eyes.
"I am Bruce Wayne!" he roared. "I know it sounds crazy, but it's true!"
"Oh. Well…you look very much like the Joker," stammered Crane.
"Yes, my consciousness has been transferred into his body somehow," snapped Bruce. "I was hoping either you or Tetch could explain how something like that could happen."
"To my knowledge, it can't," replied Crane. "But Jervis knows far more about those kinds of theoretical, metaphysical concepts. You're welcome to wait until he's back. Please do come in, Harley," he said, holding open the door for her.
"Thanks, Johnny – I wait to be invited into a house, unlike some people," she snapped, glaring at Bruce. "It's just polite. Just like calling ahead before you visit. 'Bruce Wayne' is a pretty rude guy, isn't he?"
Bruce ignored her, taking a seat in the living room. "You can go back to your shower, Johnny – you look like you haven't finished rinsing," commented Harley. "You still got shampoo in your hair," she said, ruffling his hair. "And soap suds here, and here, and here…" she said, casually pressing her fingers down his chest.
"Yes, I'll just go…wash it off," gasped Crane, shoving her hand away suddenly. "Excuse me."
He raced off into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him, and they heard the shower running a moment later, and then a shriek as Crane turned the water temperature to freezing cold. Shortly afterward, the door to the apartment opened, and Tetch entered, carrying several bags of groceries.
"Jonathan, I'm home!" he called. "Oh…Harley, Joker, what an unexpected surprise," he said, noticing them. "How are we this morning?"
"Mr. J ain't himself," retorted Harley, glaring at Bruce.
"That's right – I'm not," muttered Bruce. "I'm Bruce Wayne. Somehow I was put into Joker's body. And I'm looking for an explanation as to how that could have happened."
"Really?" said Tetch, half intrigued and half sympathetic. "That must be terribly trying for you, Mr. Wayne."
"You're saying you buy this?" demanded Harley.
"I don't dismiss any possibility out of hand, Harley, especially not those that seem nonsensical," replied Tetch. "I'll just put the frozens away before they melt, and then see what we can find out. I won't be a moment," he said, heading into the kitchen. "Would anybody like some tea?"
"No, thanks," said Harley. "But I'll give you a hand with the groceries."
By the time they had finished putting everything away, Crane had finished his shower, and he, Tetch, Harley, and Bruce all convened in Tetch's study. "What's that?" asked Bruce, noticing a very familiar item under Tetch's microscope.
"Ah, that is a fascinating little piece of alien technology I managed to purloin from right under Batman's nose," said Tetch, proudly. "It can bend the fabric of space and time. I've been experimenting with its capabilities for days now."
"Were you experimenting with its capabilities last night?" demanded Bruce, turning to glare at him.
"Yes," replied Tetch. "But I don't understand what that's got to do with…" He trailed off slowly, his eyes widening.
"Oh no," he murmured. "Oh dear, dear, dear! That popping noise, and the vibration and the…oh dear!" he cried, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I've unintentionally shifted the fabric of the universe!"
"Well really, who hasn't, at one time or another?" sighed Crane, sarcastically.
"My dear Mr. Wayne, I'm so very sorry for what, I have no doubt, has been a most excruciating ordeal for you," stammered Tetch. "Please believe it was never my intention to cause any harm of this sort…it was simply an accident! I was air conducting Gilbert and Sullivan, and my hand collided with my cup of tea, and it spilled onto the…"
"Wait, wait, wait, back up!" interrupted Harley, holding up her hand. "You're saying this ain't all an act? That that's really…Bruce Wayne…inside Mr. J's body?"
"I'm afraid so," said Tetch, nodding.
Harley stared at him. And then she completely freaked out. "Oh my God!" she shrieked, clapping a hand to her mouth. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I tried to have sex with you! You've seen me naked! How dare you look at me when I'm naked?!" she screamed, slapping Bruce hard across the face. "I'm taken, pal, so don't go getting any ideas! One man loon, you got that?!"
"You showed me yourself naked!" retorted Bruce. "And you were very forceful in your advances, so don't blame me!"
"I thought you were my boyfriend!" screamed Harley. "How was I supposed to know that you just stole his body?! What have you done with my Mr. J, huh, Brucie?! Is he still in there?! Yoo hoo, puddin'!" she screamed in his ear. "Puddin', you gotta come back and take control!"
"Harley, he's not in there!" snapped Bruce, shoving her away. "He's very obviously in my body! Whatever Tetch did must have switched us!"
"Well, you'd better switch 'em back!" shrieked Harley, rounding on Tetch furiously. "I ain't gonna be just another one of Bruce Wayne's many floozies! I want my perfect Mr. J back in my perfect Mr. J's body!"
"Yes, yes, I'll get to work on it right away," stammered Tetch.
"How long do you think it will take for you to rectify this?" asked Bruce. "That maniac's in my body, and there's no telling what sort of damage he's doing to my personal and professional reputation!"
"I'll work as fast as I can," promised Tetch. "In the meantime, perhaps you'd better try to find a way to attract his attention. Set a trap for him. Harley must know of some way to lure the Joker. If we can keep him safely locked up until I've found a way to reverse the process, he can't do any more damage."
"Oh, there's only one thing that can attract Mr. J, and that's Batsy!" cried Harley. "And he ain't gonna be up for hours!"
Or ever again, thought Bruce, if Tetch didn't find a way to fix this. He racked his brain to think of a plan, and suddenly the answer came to him. "Lex Luthor," he murmured.
"What?" said Harley.
"I…Bruce Wayne has a meeting with Lex Luthor later today," said Bruce. "At Wayne Tower. I know that place inside and out – I can sneak in, catch Joker at the meeting with Luthor, and…well, it'll look like I'm kidnapping Bruce Wayne. Which is something the Joker would do, so that wouldn't seem out of character. I take him back here, and keep him locked up until Tetch finds a way to fix this."
"What if Batman comes to save Bruce Wayne?" asked Harley.
"I don't think he will," muttered Bruce. "But it's a risk we have to take."
"What if the Joker doesn't even go to this meeting with Luthor?" asked Crane. "He's not exactly a man who sticks to a schedule."
"Nah, Mr. J would never miss an opportunity to ridicule Lexy, especially if he could conceivably pose as Lexy's business associate," said Harley. "There's too much of a gag in that for Mr. J to pass up."
"That sounds like the most viable plan we've got," sighed Tetch. "Good luck to you, Mr. Wayne."
"Hey, I'm coming too," snapped Harley.
"No, you're not," retorted Bruce. "Two people going doubles our chances of getting caught."
"If you think I'm gonna let you try to capture Mr. J on your own, you got another think coming," said Harley. "A guy who's never fought a day in his life wouldn't be able to take on my puddin' in a million years. But I can."
"Harley, I'm sure he'll come willingly," said Bruce. "He'll probably want to be himself again just as much as I do. Once I explain what's happened and that we're going to fix it, I'm sure there'll be no need to subdue him."
Harley looked at him contemptuously. "You don't know my puddin' at all, do ya?" she snapped. "You think he's found himself in your body and just spent the day wallowing around in despair? Not my puddin'! He seizes the day! He makes the most outta every situation that comes his way! That's what I love about him! He's probably been setting up tons of gags and jokes and schemes, and he won't wanna come back to his body until he's finished having his fun in yours. So yeah, you're gonna have to subdue him. And you ain't Batman, so you're gonna have to take me along to do it!"
Bruce sighed heavily, but saw that it was useless to argue with her. She had that same resolute look in her eyes that she had had this morning in bed, and he had only stopped her then by physically subduing her. Which he supposed he could attempt now, but it was too dangerous with Crane and Tetch here – they were smart enough that they might recognize Batman's fighting style, and make the connection. So might Harley, if he kept using Batman moves.
"All right, you can come," he muttered.
"Good," said Harley. "We'll stop by the lair to pick up a few things – trapping Mr. J with his own toys is gonna be a joke he'll enjoy later," she said, heading for the door.
"Godspeed to you both!" called Tetch.
"And to you," retorted Bruce, turning to glare at him. "Start fixing this mess."
"Let me show you out," said Crane, following them to the door. "Good luck, my dear – I'm sure you'll do splendidly," he said, beaming at Harley. "And to you, Mr. Wayne," he muttered, his face falling instantly into a scowl of hatred.
Suddenly, Bruce tripped in the doorway, falling flat on his face with a hiss of pain. "That's for looking at Harley naked," he heard Crane mutter in his ear, and then the door slammed shut.
Bruce picked himself up, glaring at the door. The next time Batman faced the Scarecrow, he wasn't going easy on him.