Hello? Are any of you still there? I hope so. Time to get out of limbo.
Song - Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding (Don't watch 50 Shades with your mother. It's awkward...)
. . . . . . . . . .
"Edward?"
I shot upright, her small, soft voice ripping me from my sleep like a bucket of ice water. She flinched away from my sudden movement, falling back and landing on her butt.
"Shit, sorry," I croaked, trying to jump up to help her, but she was already pulling herself up from the ground.
"S'ok… we have to leave in about an hour, I just wanted you to have enough time to take a shower," she said quietly.
She wouldn't look me in the eyes, but she was talking to me.
"Thank-you," I said softly. She nodded, and left again, her arms wrapped around herself tightly, like she was cold.
The room was warm and a little muggy though. I got up, and went around over to the bathroom. I jumped in the shower, then changed into a pair of jeans and a plain white tee before brushing my teeth and walking back out.
Bella was typing on her laptop, and now that I knew what she was doing, it made me uneasy with concern.
For weeks she'd been working through and recording her past like this, with no one to comfort her through it. I know she probably talked to Sib, but it wasn't the same.
I wanted to hold her so fucking badly. My muscles were tensed in my restraint.
Bella looked up at me, catching me watching. She looked back down quickly though, avoiding my eyes, and after a moment I saw her shoulders tense.
"You read it." It was a statement, not a question. I answered any ways.
"Yes."
Her eyes watered, and she chewed on her lip as she wrapped her arms around herself.
"Which part?"
"It was open to the part about Angela's video when I bumped into it. I read two pages, until Emmett was there." I approached her cautiously, sitting down on the couch with her, just an arm's reach away. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she breathed.
I frowned, waiting for her to get mad, freak out, shut down… something.
But I got nothing.
"Really?"
"Yeah. You can read it if you want," she said with a small shrug, and got back up. "I don't care."
"No. If you feel like telling me about your past, then I'll gladly listen. I didn't like reading it though, it felt like I was reading a too-realistic diary. You're a good writer."
Her phone rang, and she walked over to the bedroom without a word to answer it.
"Hello? Yeah, we're leaving soon- What? Why?" She was quiet for a moment before she sighed. "No, I get it. I'll let him know too. Bye." She walked back out, carrying her umbrella and throwing her bag over her shoulder.
"Who was that?"
"Marcus, he's changed the scenes for today, wants to take advantage of the rain. It's supposed to pick up later."
"Oh? What are we doing?"
"You're playing in the boiler room. I'm going to jump off of a thirty-story building."
I gaped at her.
"Bella, I-"
The corner of her mouth twitched. "Not because of your scene, because it's in the script."
"Oh… right."
Way to give me a fucking heart-attack.
"You ready to go?"
I just needed a few minutes to pack my own bag, and then we were out. We left early, and stopped by a nice park so Zeus could stretch his legs and mark some trees in a new continent.
I felt like I was going to be sick as I waited in make-up, and both Jane and Bella walked out in matching outfits. Both in white-blouses, black slacks, black boots. Hair tied back in buns.
Jane was wearing contacts and her wig though, and her words from weeks ago echoed through my mind. I don't know how I hadn't noticed before, but Marcus had designed the character to look like Bella. I wasn't the only person who thought the role had been made for her.
The role had been made for her.
They were both told to sit, and about 2.3 seconds into it Bella put her foot down, asking the guy what he was supposed to do and said she'd do it herself.
"Sweetie, this isn't like normal make-up-"
"First, don't ever call me sweetie. Second, I've been living using disguises for the past five years. I know what I'm doing. Thanks."
He backed off. It was a smart move.
And he was impressed by her job. She looked better without the make-up though.
It was weird. Running the lines had been weird, but actually going through the one scene I had done with Bella, with Jane, was fucking torture.
I sucked it up, swallowed down my nausea, and pushed through though. It was different, because you couldn't fake the type of chemistry we had made. I didn't want to recreate it though, I didn't want to ruin that memory.
We worked through the kitchen, and then the hallway and stairwell, before breaking into that boiler room scene.
I could feel Bella watching me.
I didn't want to fucking do this.
But I was a professional, and I did.
"Well, I have a few ideas of how we could do that," Jane said in a seductive voice, running her hands down my chest. I smirked.
"Well, Love, I have a few ideas myself. But we need to be quiet."
"I can be quiet."
Push through, and it's done. And never again. Get it in one shot.
"Not if I have anything to say about it," I said in a dark, low voice, grabbing her arms tightly and kissing her, hard. It was rough and fast, because I wouldn't have put it past her to fuck it up so we'd have to do it again. I didn't give her that chance, and I practically threw her when Marcus called cut. I walked away, dragging my hands through my recently-tamed hair. Carrie fucking hated me, and my hair, and my habit of ruining her back-breaking efforts at controlling it.
I looked up to where Bella had been watching a few minutes earlier, but she was gone.
"That was perfect guys! Excellent work, and great chemistry. Newton! Where the fuck is Newton?"
"Right here boss! Sorry, got sidetracked with Bella."
"Where is she?" He asked, looking for her too. Mike shrugged.
"Said she'd be up on the roof in time." Marcus didn't think they'd have enough time for the rest of the scene, but since it was inside he just pushed around the schedule.
"Okay, let's move people! Gotta get this done before the rain cuts out! John, what's the status on the balloon and canal?"
"Ready in ten Mr. Volturi."
"Excellent," he said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them with a grin. People started moving, and I grabbed Mike, pulling him back.
"Where'd she go?" I demanded, and he knocked me back with a shove and an angry glare.
"Like I'd actually fucking tell you," he spat, turning and leaving quickly.
I took the stairs instead of the elevator, needing to burn a bit of anger.
"Edward! There you are. Okay guys, huddle up." I joined the small circle, nearly jumping in surprise when Bella popped up out of fucking nowhere, materializing right next to me.
Christ, she smelled so good in the rain.
"So, we're starting in breaking through the stair well, and you break through the seven before pushing to the edge. Stop on the mark, we switch for the dialogue, and then we switch out the girls. You still okay carrying through B?"
She just nodded once, and the reality of what this scene entailed hit me in the gut.
I'd have to kiss her.
And I didn't want to. Thatwas fucking weird.
Well, no, it's not that I didn't want to kiss her. I'd been dying to for weeks, dreaming of it. I just didn't want to kiss her when she didn't want me to.
We broke, and I stood off to the side as the guys went out and took their positions. We always had a big audience for these scenes, because they were fucking cool to watch. Bella shone brightly, and her hard work showed through its end result as she and Mike fought their way through a small crowd of agents. She was lethal and so painfully sexy when she fought, and the way her white shirt soaked through, hinting at her black bra underneath, would have been enough to make me hard if I wasn't so sick with unease.
They shot two takes, just to get some extra angles.
And then Mike was dismissed.
Jane and I took five takes to do the ten second scene in between, making sure the shots over-lapped properly. I was distracted, so it took me awhile to get the moves that Bella was telling me to do right. I was much better than Jane though, who still flinched every time Bella moved while in the same room as her.
And once Marcus told us that we had the shot, Bella swapped in for Jane. I watched her warily.
She was breathing heavily, waiting.
"So, when she turns to run, pull her back, kiss her, and then you push away and jump B, you got it?"
"Yeah," she said quietly. "The balloon is set?"
Marcus radioed in, only for about the fiftieth time, and confirmed. Emergency crews were on stand-by.
We were both breathing heavily.
"You want to check it out again?" He asked her.
"No."
"Okay." The rooftop was silent for a long minute, the only sound was the rain pouring down heavily until Marcus spoke again. "Action!"
Bella turned instantly, and I hesitated to grab her.
"Cut! Edward, watch your cue!" Marcus called from the side. I nodded.
"Tell me no, and I'll stop this whole thing right now," I told her.
She said nothing.
"Action!"
She turned, and I didn't think. My hand shot out, grabbing her arm and yanking her back like I'd wanted to do countless times for weeks. Her hands braced herself against my chest half a second before my lips crashed down on hers, my hand slipping into her hair as my arm wound around her waist, clutching her to me.
Yes, I was taking advantage of the situation. No, I didn't feel guilty about it.
She didn't push me away.
I wouldn't have let her if she tried.
She whimpered against my lips, and her hands slipped into my hair, threading, gripping, pulling. I moaned into her mouth, my hands slipping down to her thighs as I lifted her up, and her legs wrapped around me.
"Cut! I said Cut!"
"Fuck off, I'm busy," I growled against her lips, and Bella laughed.
I almost cried out hearing that sound, I don't remember when I had last heard it. My hold tightened on her as my lips moved across her jaw, down her throat. I couldn't stop.
"Edward," she breathed, and I fucking choked at the sound, holding her as tightly as I could. "Edward? You need to put me down," she said gently.
"I can't," I choked out painfully.
She cupped my face in both of her hands gently, forcing me to look at her. Her eyes were watering before she leaned in and gently kissed my lips. "It's okay. You can put me down."
She saw my hope, and most likely my desperation. She kissed my cheek, reassuring me quietly that it was okay, and coaxed me into setting her down.
"Okay, how about we try that again," Marcus said in a dry voice, but I could hear a smile in his tone.
I couldn't smile, not until I saw Bella blush in embarrassment from the catcalls she was getting.
"Hey! Watch it," I warned in a dangerous, angry voice, which shut the guys up quickly. A tiny giggle escaped Bella, and then I smiled.
"Ready?" Marcus called. I let go of her with a shuddering breath, taking a step back from her.
We watched each other for a long minute.
"Ready."
"Okay… Action!"
Bella turned, and I grabbed her just like before, pulling her against me as I spun her to face me. This time both of my hands cupped her face, and she melted against me in our heated kiss.
But then she pushed me back, and the smirk she gave me was all sex and taunting.
Then she turned.
She took a jumping step onto the ledge of the building, and leaped without hesitation.
My whole fucking world stopped, and I flew forward, making it to the ledge barely a second before she hit the large square balloon that was filling the canal thirty stories below. I watched, my pulse thudding loudly in my ears, as she rolled to the edge of the balloon. I knew it was going to happen, but the reality was much different than the theory. Marcus put a hand on my shoulder, and I heard Bella's voice through the walkie.
"Mac! Oh my god, did you see that?! Please tell me you didn't get it, I have to do that again," she gushed, and a slightly hysterical laugh escaped me.
"Sorry B, we got it, and it was perfect. Besides, you almost gave your fiancé a damn heart attack, I thought he was going to jump off after you for a second."
"Edward?"
I yanked the walkie from his hand. "Bella? Shit, please tell me you're okay," I begged.
"I'm fine," she said softly. "It was like jumping into a bouncy house, I've been training for that stunt for weeks. I'm good."
"Then why are paramedics looking at you?"
I think she looked up, she was an ant but I knew which ant she was.
"Just procedure, checking me for whiplash. I'm fine though," she assured me. Marcus chuckled, and took the walkie back.
"We'll all be down in a bit, and we're taking a short break to get cleaned up, but we'll see you soon B."
Marcus guided me back down with a hand on my shoulder, since I was barely able to think. My mind and body were over-loaded.
She'd kissed me back. I knew it wasn't an act, I could always tell when Bella was acting.
Every second waiting was physical torture. When she finally walked through the doors, wrapped in a thick blue blanket and shivering, I sprinted to her, freezing in my tracks inches away from her, unsure.
Her eyes watered as she looked up at me, and there were so many emotions in them. She looked so conflicted, and I didn't need any words.
I wrapped my arms around her, holding her to me. Her arms wrapped around my waist as she hugged me back. The only reason I was able to ease up was because I was worried about how violently she was trembling. Her teeth were chattering.
It was strange, I hadn't even noticed I was soaked, or how cold it had been out there in the rain and wind, until that moment. I couldn't let her go, and since we were on a break for people to get cleaned up, I wrapped an arm around her and walked back with her to make-up, grabbing her bag before I dragged her back to my changing room with me.
Things got a little tense and awkward again, Bella had seemed nervous. I told her to take the shower first though, which seemed to settle her. If she'd been expecting me to just ravish her after our weeks of separation, it just proved how hurt by me she was right now. It wasn't sex that I needed, it was just her.
I just really fucking needed her. I needed her words, her voice. I needed to talk, I needed to know what she was thinking. What changed.
I needed to know if we were okay, because even though she was letting me touch her, the way that she looked at me frightened me.
She came out, freshly showered and wearing a pair of pale jeans that were fucking made for her, and a loose, long sleeved, black cotton shirt that hung off of her in the most tantalizing way.
I just kissed her temple though, savouring the smell of her shampoo and soap, before I slipped into the bathroom. I made quick work of it, yanking on my boxers, jeans, a white t-shit and a grey hoodie when I finished, before I went back out.
"Mac just called, they need you back in make-up to get ready for your next scene," she said gently, and I shook my head. No, I needed to talk to her, if she shut down again before I got the chance, if I lost this spark of change in her-
"Edward, it's okay-"
"No, it isn't. We need to talk Bella, I can't wait any more, I- No, I can't." My mind was over-loaded again and I started to panic. She got up though, and when she came over to me, she hesitated for a moment before gently wrapping her arms around me.
"I'll still be here to talk when you're done," she said softly.
"Will you be?" I asked worriedly. She knew what I was asking.
"Yes."
"I need you to promise me, I can't… I can't lose you like that again, if there's even a chance, Marcus and his movie can go fuck each other, I don't care."
"I'll still be here, and we'll talk. I swear."
"Are you coming with me?"
"No, I'm going to go pick up Zeus from his babysitter, and then I need to go check out some of the locations for some of my scenes with Mike to save Mac some time. I should be back at about the same time as you finish up though." The schedule was all fucked up for today and I had no fucking clue what was going on any more. "Five hours, you're doing three scenes," she said, reading my fucking mind.
Witch.
I smiled.
"Have dinner with me?" I asked gently, cupping her cheek with one hand. She gave me a hesitant nod.
. . . . . . . . . .
I was on the phone every break and spare second I had, coordinating with this guy named Tuck at the hotel. I just wanted to make sure we could have a nice, relaxing dinner together when we got back.
She said she would talk with me, I wasn't naive enough to assume she'd forgiven me though, even if she had kissed me.
Working with Jane had gotten a little easier, just for the fact that she kept her mouth shut more. Which was smart. If she thought playing up the guilt was going to win her any sympathy, she was wrong. And I knew that her guilt wasn't genuine
I didn't fucking trust her. I was getting impatient for my private investigator to find something on her. She may have been watching her step, but there had to be something on her.
There was nothing she could do in one lifetime that could make me even think of forgiving her for everything she'd done to me, Bella, and our relationship. And what she'd made me do to Bella and our relationship.
And I had no pity for her. It was obvious that Bella's threat was slowly eating away at her. I'd seen the black circles under her eyes before make-up got to her, how skittish she was, always looking over her shoulder. Or maybe she just started doing drugs or something. I didn't know, or care, though it would be nice if someone caught her in the act and got some photos. I'd mentioned it to my guy.
Are you sure you want to use the couch? The dining table is quite nice.
No Tuck, the couch. Please.
I didn't want a table between us, I wanted to be comfortable. I wanted to talk and I didn't want it to be formal. I still wanted it to be nice though.
I can't get blue, there's Red, White, and Yellow.
White.
Are you sure you want steak? They're quite well known for their seafood.
Nope. Steak.
"Edward? Come on, we're waiting on you."
"Sorry."
"What are you doing?"
"Practising the ancient art of wooing, Marcus," I said with a wink.
"Okay, no details are wanted nor needed," he said quickly. "Now get your ass back over here."
"Wooing, huh?"
"None of your fucking business," I shot back, and she looked down at her feet.
"Why are they so close? Is it because of the movie-"
"Seriously, fuck off. You're mentally challenged if you think I'm going to tell you shit."
Her eyes watered, but I still didn't fucking care. This was her own fault. I think I'd actually turned into a pretty nice guy over the past year, getting in touch with feelings and shit. She went and fucked that over though.
I didn't think we'd finish on time. Jane kept screwing up her lines, forgetting them. Blink Blink Blinking away.
Every single thing she did seemed to piss me off now. The way she looked, talked, moved, smelled.
It was driving me fucking crazy, and I think my bad mood started grating on the others. Six hours later, Marcus just called it quits and told everyone to go back and get some sleep. We were all cranky.
Time changes suck.
But thank fuck for Tuck.
He'd been able to push everything back for the delay, and when I walked off of the set and found Bella playing fetch with Zeus in the long hallway, it was like someone had shot me up with some drug and all of my irritation dissolved away. She noticed me when Zeus ran past her, dropping his ball at my feet and shuffling excitedly. I whipped it hard, and he shot after it. I hit the metal door all the way at the end, and he almost wiped out trying to do a one-eighty on the linoleum floor.
"How'd it go?"
"If I said blink blink blink…"
"Oh, dear god, that's been driving me crazy. Isn't being able to deal with contacts like, part of your job description?"
I laughed. "Exactly!"
God, I was sucking up and bathing myself in the moment, of us being normal. It made me so happy and hopeful that it fucking hurt.
"You know, when you eaves drop, you're going to hear things you don't want to hear."
"Huh?" I asked in confusion, then turned when she nodded. Jane walked out. My fists clenched automatically.
"Can we talk?"
"Nope," Bella said easily, stretching longly with her hands above her head, reaching for the ceiling. Her shirt lifted up, showing off the stunning nebula cloud that came out of the feathers on her waist and trailed down to her hip.
"But-"
"It's really not going to make any difference. You're just wasting your breath."
"But you're still going to try to break my nose?"
"Break your nose? What the hell are you talking about?"
"You… you said-"
"No, I don't remember saying anything like that. All I remember, Jane, is you blackmailing Mr. Cullen here into, what, kissing you?" She asked with a laugh. "That's kind of pathetic, if you ask me." Jane's hand shot to her stomach, and Bella smiled before stalking forward.
I was a little fucking confused, to be honest, but I'd learned that if you don't know what's happening in the movie, it's better to wait until the scene is finished before asking questions.
Bella stopped right in front of her, and Jane flinched when Bella grabbed her hand, and pulled up her shirt.
Showing the wire she had taped to her stomach.
I snorted, and tried to cover my laugh.
"Wear a sweater next time, you can see the outline of the battery pack with such a skimpy, thin shirt." Bella whistled loudly, and Jane screeched when Zeus ran over. "Calm the hell down, he's carrying a tennis ball, not a grenade," she said with an eye roll, and started walking away. I jogged along behind her, wanting to throw her against the wall and take her right there. She was so fucking sexy when she got all… lethal.
And then when she felt me staring and looked over at me, she fucking blushed.
My pretty little conundrum.
"What?" She squeaked nervously, and I cautiously wrapped an arm around her, my hand resting on her waist, and she let me.
"I just really fucking love you," I whispered. Her eyes watered, and my heart shot out of control as I stopped. "No, baby, please don't cry," I begged, combing my hands back through her hair. She took my wrists though, gently pulling my hands away, and my stomach rolled.
"I don't want to talk here," she whispered.
I nodded, not having any words. She slipped on her sunglasses, and I did the same as we walked out of the building and through the crowd to our waiting car. Well, SUV, Zeus wasn't too comfortable in cars, he needed a big cabin. I texted Tuck, giving him his forty-minute warning, and asked if Bella would be up for a walk in the park first.
Zeus was thrilled to stretch his legs outside, and we played fetch with him as we took a twenty-minute walk around the small park.
And I was procrastinating, because I wasn't as hopeful as I had been earlier. My stomach just climbed higher into my throat the closer we got to the hotel, and then the closer we got to our room, all in complete silence.
I opened the door with my card, ushering her and Zeus in first. I kept an eye on her as she toed off her boots and walked inside. She froze when she made it out of the foyer. I stopped behind her and looked over her shoulder.
The living room was lit only by two dimmed lamps, because personally, I thought candles were over-rated. And dangerous when you lived with a shaggy pony. It was just enough to give the room a warm, gentle glow though, and on top of the dark-wood coffee table in front of one of the luxurious couches were two covered dinner plates, bread, a bowl of salad, and a small tray of miniature pastries and chocolate. A bottle of white wine was sitting on ice next to a bouquet of white roses.
It was exactly what I wanted; comfortable and subtle, nothing too overdone because Bella liked the thought, not over-the top gestures and shows.
She still hadn't moved, and I would have wrapped an arm around her if I wasn't so sure she'd remove it.
"You said you'd have dinner with me," I reminded her gently, hopefully.
She turned, and I didn't think I could take much more of this. Not when I saw that uncomfortable look in her eyes.
"That's very sweet. Thank-you," she said softly. I nodded her forward, and she took a seat.
I took the lids off of the trays once she sat down, and put them in the kitchen on the cart, smiling as I saw Zeus inhaling his own dinner, sending kibble all over the floor. I took a steadying breath before I went back out to join her, and she'd moved off of the couch, sitting on one of the over-sized couch-pillows on the floor in front of the table.
I grinned, seeing a second one put out for me right next to hers. I folded down next to her, and went to pour us each a glass. She stopped me.
"No wine for me, I can't drink."
I looked at her in confusion, but set the bottle down. "Why?"
"Medication," she whispered. My breath caught.
"What medication?" She let out a sigh, closing her eyes and shaking her head.
"I said we could talk. Would you mind if I started?" I shook my head and she leaned back against the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I should have talked to you sooner. I'm sorry. I was overwhelmed, angry, and I shouldn't have done what I did without talking to you about it first."
"I would have been there for you Bella, I never would have let you go through that alone. I never wanted you to go through it at all."
"I know," she said painfully.
"That was the whole point of all of it, to avoid you going through that. And then you just went through and did it without a word." I tried not to let myself get angry, because I knew I didn't want to be mad at her. I wasn't good with dealing with my anger around her.
"I know," she choked. "Jane wasn't bluffing though."
"How do you know?"
"Because she sent the story to TMZ before she even saw you. Heidi called me, it wasn't the opposite way around. Most of that interview was an act. I told her that if she didn't air Jane's story I would talk to her myself. She was professional, wanted her facts confirmed, and was just a decent enough human being to give me a chance at avoiding a bigger fall-out. I just said everything she would have said had I not been there any ways. Mac and Sib agreed that it would be better coming from me than an anonymous source."
"Emmett called, that's how I found out."
"I know. I'm sorry."
I could tell that she meant it, that she did regret it, but I wasn't sure what to say to that. We both had regrets.
And though I didn't like what she'd done, how she'd blind-sided me, I couldn't bring myself to hate her for it. Not when I knew how hurt she'd been, and not when I agreed that it was better coming from her than an anonymous source.
"I don't know what to do," she whispered.
"Just tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded, tentatively taking her hand. She didn't pull away, her eyes watered as she watched our entwined fingers.
"I'm so mad at you, even though I feel I have no right to be. I'm so fucking angry. You're so much smarter than falling for her bullshit, and the fact that you did it makes me think that a part of you wanted to."
"I didn't," I hissed. "I fucking panicked, okay? Yes, I was wrong, but in the heat of the moment taking a risk and just kissing her was easier to live with then being responsible for you going through this!"
"I know! You think I'd still be here if I didn't? I would have left already if I didn't believe you. You asked what I was thinking though, and that what I think. I'm angry and I hate myself for it. You think I like hurting you? Well, I don't. Every fucking second away from you is torture. I hate it, and it's all my fucking fault for trying to hide this shit in the first place. I knew it would come out and I was weak, I wasn't ready, so I hid it any ways. You want to know what I think? I think you deserve so much better than this. I'm trying Edward. I love you more than anything in the world, I'd give up everything for you. I tried doing the therapy, to be better at this. I don't want to be like this, but it seems like no matter what happens there's always going to be something getting in our way. I just keep screwing shit up, I can't seem to do anything right. I'm not cut out for this, and I can't live with hurting you like this anymore."
I saw what she was going to do, reaching for her left hand as she cried, but I grabbed both of her wrists.
"No," I hissed, and she froze, looking up at me with tears streaming down her face. "Don't you fucking dare. We're not over Bella, we're going to talk through this, and work it out."
"Edward-"
"No, it's my turn to talk. We've been through worse shit than this. We got over fucking Victor together, and we'll deal with Jane. You know the only reason I kissed her was to try to protect you. You can be mad about that, and hurt, but I need you to decide if you can live with it or not. Because despite how mad I am about what you did, I still love you. And I'm willing to work on this. I think I did the right thing though." When she tried to shift I pinned her to the floor. We were talking this out whether she wanted to or not. "No, no more hiding. Tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing, if you thought it stood a chance of protecting me."
I waited her out until she answered, not breaking eye contact.
"I c-can't."
"You know I'd never do that to you. You know I made a bad call, that I was cornered, and that I only did what I did to try to help you?"
"Yes," she whispered.
"Good. Now here's the thing Bella. Just like you can understand why I did it, I can understand why you did what you did. A lot of shit came down at once and you did what you thought was best. You were too hurt to come to me. I get it. I don't fucking like it, but I get it. We both fucked up. I'm willing to work on it, because I meant it when I told you that I loved you more than anything. Everything. That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. But I can't do this on my own and things are going to have to change.
"I know you better than you think I do. I get that your life was fucked up, that it was different, and that it's made you different. I get how hard this relationship is for you, how hard all relationships are for you. I get that you're more comfortable dealing with things yourself, on your own. That it frustrates you that you feel like you're not normal. I can see why you might feel like it won't get better, that you feel trapped being a certain way, but I don't think you've seen how far you've come. But Bella, I love you for who you are, every part.
"That's what I need you to come to terms with. I need you to accept that I love every part of you, the good and the bad, and I need you to let me decide for myself what I want. Because I can't deal with you trying to convince me to give up on you anymore. It makes me feel like you want me to give up on you. Is that what you really want?"
"No," she said, shaking her head with her eyes shut tightly. "It's not."
"Do you truly want to be with me? Or are you giving up on this? Have you changed your mind?"
"No," she sobbed.
"Are you sure?"
"I don't want to lose you."
"Why?"
"Because I love you more than anything in the world," she breathed, meeting my eyes. I gave her a slight smile, releasing her wrists and gently helping her back up.
"And I love you too." I checked her wrists carefully, my hold hadn't been too tight but I was still worried. She let me, just watching me with this broken look in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"So am I," I told her gently. She inched closer to me, unsure, but when I pulled her into my arms she clung to me tightly. I just held her, letting my body relax, soaking in the contact that it had craved so badly. I relaxed, because I did think we were okay, but I was well aware that Bella was still badly shaken.
I wasn't sure if I needed to push her, to make her just get everything out of her system, or if I just needed to try and calm her down.
I cupped her face in my hands, watching her carefully, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. A fresh wave of tears escaped as she looked at me.
"I'm sorry that I shut you out. That I acted like that. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I didn't want to hurt you, I swear. I didn't know what to do, I'm so sorry Edward. I didn't want to, I hated every second of it but I couldn't handle it, I-"
"I know," I said gently, interrupting her rushed, panicked words. And I did. Because I knew she loved me too much to purposely hurt me. Bella may be a vindictive person, but she wasn't with me. She just wasn't good at dealing with her emotions. I held her tightly again. "I know you didn't."
And as I held her, I felt her slowly start to relax in my arms. Or maybe she just ran out of energy. Either way, she didn't feel like she was about to have a panic attack any more. She was too shaken to eat much, and I stopped pushing her to not long after. She didn't fall asleep though, and she didn't move until her phone went off.
I let her go, and she took it out of her purse, silencing it, and she took a bottle of pills out too, taking one and then stuffing them away again discreetly. I still saw though.
She looked nervous when she came back to me.
"Can we... go lie down?"
"Yes," I agreed instantly. She helped me clean up quietly, and then we both got changed and slipped into bed. Zeus followed, making himself comfy at the foot of the bed, and we let him. The relief was intoxicating as she curled into my side, and I held her closely.
I tried to make myself wait, to maybe address it later after we'd both dealt more with what had just happened, but I couldn't. I was too worried.
"What are the pills for?" I asked quietly. She went rigid in my arms, but I held her, and waited it out. When she spoke, I could tell that it was difficult, that she had to force the words out. Her voice was tight with her strain.
"I... I started having trouble sleeping when I started writing again. It started messing with my head, and then the things with Jane happened and..." She sighed, rubbing her hands over her eyes. Her voice was barely a whisper when she continued. "It got worse, and I fainted a week and a half ago on set. Didi took me to the hospital, and Sib came to help me with the doctors. They just gave me something to make me sleep."
"Bella, I-" Fuck, I tried to force myself to be calm, because it's what she needed right now, but it wasn't fucking easy. Just going to the hospital would have been traumatic for her, it had taken her months to build a tentative relationship with my father.
"No, it okay. It's really not that big a deal. It's just temporary, just… just for a couple weeks." Her voice was becoming a little squeaky in her panic. "They just knock me out for a few hours, I didn't want anything more serious than that."
"There's nothing wrong with needing a bit of help, don't be embarrassed about that," I said gently. I hated that her writing was doing this to her, but I wasn't able to tell her to stop doing it. I knew that Sib knew what she was doing, and I know that she needed to work through her past. I just hated that I hadn't been there to help her through it. "How's your writing going now?" I asked carefully. I felt so disconnected from her, I needed to know what I'd missed.
"I... it scares me, and it makes me sick. But it's... liberating almost. It's easier to be honest there then it is with Sib."
"And therapy?"
"I hate it, but she... she makes me look at things from different perspectives. She's good at making me talk, and it's getting a bit easier to do it each time."
I combed my fingers back through her hair, pushing it away from her face, and her eyes closed under my touch. I couldn't stop myself from leaning in and kissing her, and rested my forehead against hers when I pulled away, pulling her closer to me.
"And everything else?" I asked cautiously. She was shaking a little, but I needed to know. "How are you feeling?"
It took her a couple minutes, and I could tell that it was hard, that she was forcing herself to say the words, that she'd rather suffer in silence than worry me.
"I feel... disjointed. And tired. It all feels sort of surreal, like this isn't my life. People are always shouting at me, and... I can't get used to hearing my real name. Every time someone says it I feel like something bad is going to happen. Then the questions... sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap and jump over those fences."
"They're desperate, they want to get a rise out of you," I said, once again forcing calm into my voice as she clung to me. It killed me seeing how far she had fallen in only a few weeks.
"I know. It feels wrong though, knowing people are talking about me and not being able to monitor it. My program only worked when I was a nobody, it's useless now. And I can't look on the internet again."
I groaned. "But you did go on the internet?" Her silence was all the confirmation that I needed. "I'm sorry, and I know it's easier said than done, but you can't let that get to you-"
"I know, I'm not going to do it again," she said quietly.
I wasn't sure what else to say. It was still kind of surreal, lying here with her like this. Touching her. I couldn't stop touching her. I traced up and down her arm, her collar bone, her neck, along her jaw, not being able to resist smiling. When I met her eyes though, she looked worried, and so fucking sad.
"No, it's okay. I'm sorry, but… I just missed you so god damn much. I don't want to stop touching you. I can't." Her eyes watered.
"These last weeks were the loneliest weeks of my life, I missed you every second." She leaned into me, her hands moving up my chest tentatively. "I missed you so much that it hurt. Every second was torture."
Cautiously, I leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss against her lips, and her breath caught painfully as her arms wrapped around my shoulders and she held onto me tightly.
"I can't do that again Edward, I can't take it," she choked out. "Anything but that," she begged, and I kissed her hard.
"Never," I swore. "Ever Bella. I'm done with this whole fucking business. I don't want anything to do with it any more. After this, I'm done. I swear baby, never."
She cried, and kissed me fiercely. "I love you so fucking much."
"I love you too, more than anything, always."
And it was too soon, but neither of us could stop. Maybe we should have waited, but we couldn't. It was slow, each of us losing a piece of clothing at a time, cautious touches and caresses. We both needed the contact, and I didn't stand a chance of backing away, not with her soft voice pleading like that.
"Tell me again Bella, please tell me we're okay," I begged, kissing her neck.
"Always," she whimpered.
"You'll still marry me? You'll still be my Mrs. Cullen?"
"If you still want me," she breathed, making me stop as I hovered over her.
"You know I do," I said seriously, making her look into my eyes. "Do you forgive me?"
She sniffled. "There's nothing to forgive," she said shakily, and I could easily see the worry, regret, and self-loathing in her eyes. "I'm so sorry."
"I know," I soothed gently, because I did. I knew Bella better than I knew myself. "I forgive you too, you know."
Her eyes were shimmering before she pulled me down to kiss me. I needed to hear her say it though, I needed the verbal confirmation. "Bella, please," I pleaded.
"Yes, I still want to marry you. I'd do it right this minute," she whispered, and I kissed her again as she pulled me closer with her legs around my waist. "There's no one else I want to be with, only you."
"I don't want to wait," I admitted. "I want to get married as soon as we're done filming, I want us to start over and put all this shit behind us."
"Really?"
"Yes," I said, kissing her again.
"I want that too," she said, and my last bits of fear melted away. Then it was just desire, and need. I needed her so fucking badly.
And she made sure that I knew that she needed me too. It was slow, and gentle, and everything that both of us needed. When she curled into my side afterwards, I wasn't worried that we'd jumped back in too fast. It felt right, and I knew she felt the same.
"Edward?" She murmured quietly, sounding close to drifting off. I know I was.
"Hmm?"
"I need you to call your guy off of Jane," she half whispered. I shouldn't have been surprised she knew.
"Why?"
"Because he's getting in my way."
I sighed. "Okay, I'll call him in the morning."
"Thank you."
I was quiet for a couple of minutes, but the curiosity made it too hard to fall asleep.
"Bella?"
"Mmm."
"What are you going to do?"
I thought she might have already fallen asleep when she didn't answer for a minute, and her words were slightly slurred when she spoke.
"Exactly what I said I would. I'm going to ruin her life."
. . . . . . . . . .
Of course they're okay. My stories are HEAs.
Have any of you ever gone skydiving? Bungee jumping? Cliff diving? It's always been a dream of mine, but unfortunately, my spine is just too messed up for it. I went in this slingshot ride at LaRonde (Six Flags) once though, eons ago, and that was terrifyingly amazing. Well, minus the cliff diving. I have no desire for that. I had to jump off of the high-dive in basic, and that was traumatizing enough. Me and water don't mix.