The Joker sat in Bruce Wayne's private office, holding an air horn to the intercom on his desk and glancing at his watch. "Five minutes," he said, releasing the noisemaker at last. "And this concludes the test of our emergency systems. Back to work, wage slaves!" he chuckled. "Make me some more money!"

He leaned back, drumming his hands on the desk and whistling. Suddenly, the intercom buzzed. "What is it, Moneypenny?" he asked, answering it.

"Mr. Wayne, for the last time, that's not my name," snapped Bruce's secretary. "And there's a Miss Selina Kyle on the phone for you."

"Oooh, put her through!" chuckled Joker. "Hello, kitty pie!"

"Hi, Bruce," purred Selina. "I'm just sitting here in the tub wearing nothing but my diamonds and wishing you could join me."

"So you decided to call me at work for some dirty talk, huh, honey kitten?" chuckled Joker. "Something to make pussy purr? Well, I'm sure I can oblige!"

"Um…Bruce…you really don't sound like yourself," said Selina, slowly. "Are you feeling ok?"

"Never felt better in my life, pussy pooh!" chuckled Joker. "The only thing that would make me feel better is if I was there in the tub with you, taking your diamond necklace and pulling it tighter and tighter around your throat, until you were choking and suffocating, gasping desperately for air as your face turns purple and your tongue protrudes…"

"Bruce, what the hell is wrong with you?!" shouted Selina.

"What? You don't think that's hot?" snapped Joker. "Ok, how about this? Putting my hands around your neck and pressing you down slowly in the water until it swallows your lips, and then watching your eyes as panic enters them, and your mouth gapes open and shut like a fish as you struggle to breathe…"

"God, Bruce, what's gotten into you?!" shrieked Selina. "If this is a joke, it isn't funny – it's just sick! Just like you, you sick freak!"

She slammed down the phone, and Joker shrugged, hanging up. "Harley would have thought it was hot," he muttered, leaning back in his chair and spinning it around in a circle. He kept repeating this, going faster and faster, and shouting "Wheeeee!" until the intercom buzzed again.

"Mr. Wayne, Mr. Luthor is here," said the secretary.

"Ok, gimme a second while the dizziness goes away," said Joker, steadying himself. "Although I guess it would be pretty funny to throw up on Lexy…yeah, just send him in!" he chuckled.

The door opened and Lex Luthor strode in. "Mr. Wayne, such a pleasure to see you again…" he said, holding out his hand.

"Lexy, old kid!" exclaimed Joker, standing up and beaming. "How about a hug? It's better than a handshake!" he said, seizing him in his arms and embracing him. "Good to see ya, buddy – it's been too long!"

"Um…yes," said Luthor, who certainly wasn't a fan of hugs, or of being touched unnecessarily in any way. "Well…thank you, Mr. Wayne," he said, shoving Joker away firmly. "It's good to see you too. And I'm glad you're in such a good mood – hopefully this means you've decided to be amenable to my business deal."

"And what deal is that?" asked Joker.

Luthor stared at him incredulously. "The one I've been pushing for months!" he snapped, reaching into his briefcase and slamming a contract down on the desk. "A LexCorp-Wayne Enterprises joint venture for the development of nuclear weapons!"

"Oooh, nuclear!" chuckled Joker. "I'm in, as long as we can put those smiley faces on the sides of the bombs that say 'have a nice day.' Those are a laugh riot!"

"Mr. Wayne…are you actually saying that you agree to the terms of my deal?" asked Luthor, slowly. "Because that's not what you've been saying for months."

"Well, I woke up this morning seeing things clearly for the first time in my life, Lexy!" said Joker. "Or, y'know, seeing things through the lens of crazy, which is even better!" he laughed. "And you can't go wrong with more nuclear weapons! Might as well start investing in the future, for the kiddies, y'know!"

"This is certainly a change of tune for you, Mr. Wayne," said Luthor, slowly. "Last time we talked you were keen to invest your company's money in alternative energy sources, as well as redevelopment and welfare programs…"

"Ugh, is there anything more sickening than the earnestness of a buncha bleeding hearts?" sighed Joker. "No, no, no – I want to invest my money in fun stuff! Nuclear weapons! Bombs! Giant, solid gold Joker statues!"

"Joker statues?" repeated Luthor.

"Just a new little project I'm planning, Lexy," chuckled Joker, waving his hand. "Nothing for you to worry about."

"If you mean you're actually building a statue to that criminal lunatic, then it certainly is something for me to worry about," snapped Luthor. "It could harm my business interests if we're associated in any way! LexCorp does not support the erection of statues to terrorists…"

"Oh, you're a fine one to talk, with your little Injustice League!" snapped Joker. And then he giggled. "And you said erection!"

Luthor gaped at him. "I…don't know what you're talking about…what Injustice League?"

"Oh, Lexy," sighed Joker, shaking his head. "The cat's outta the bag! Your little secret society of supervillains that you divert millions of LexCorp's funds to, all in an effort to thwart the Justice League and take earth back for humanity, or so you believe."

"That's…that's not true, Mr. Wayne," stammered Luthor. "That's slanderous, that's libel, and I could sue you for…"

"Oh, everything's lawsuits with you business types!" chuckled Joker. "But you really don't want to sue me, Lexy. Just think about those Injustice League rumors getting out in court. Why, some plucky young investigative journalist might get a hold of something to prove they're true!" he chuckled. "No, you want my business, Lexy, and you'll have it, on one condition."

"And what's that?" demanded Luthor.

"I get to rub your head," said Joker, beaming.

Luthor just stared at him. "Mr. Wayne…are you high?" he asked.

"Yep, high on life!" chuckled Joker. "Don't need drugs to have fun, not like some of those other rich celebrity types! C'mon, I got a pen right here – I'll sign your little contract after a little rub!" he chuckled, holding up a pen.

Luthor glared at him. "Fine," he snapped. "But make it quick."

Joker giggled, reaching out a hand and petting Luthor's head. "Oooh, it's shiny and smooth – do you moisturize?" he asked.

"Just sign the damn paper!" snapped Luthor, shoving it forward.

Joker obeyed, and Luthor snatched it back. "Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Wayne – next time you schedule a meeting with me, don't take whatever drug you took this morning!"

"I told you, it's not a drug!" called Joker as Luthor stormed out. "High on life, Lexy! You should try it sometime!"

He giggled madly to himself as the door slammed shut. "Ah, wait until Lexy sees that I signed that contract as Bugs Bunny!" he sighed. "I almost wish I could see the look on his face, but he'll probably be halfway back to Metropolis before he notices!"

He buzzed the intercom on his desk. "Moneypenny, cancel all my meetings and hold all my calls – I'm heading home. I've been at work all of two hours, and that's enough for a billionaire. So have my limo pick me up ASAP."

"Right away, Mr. Wayne," said the secretary. "And please stop calling me Moneypenny."

"You got it, sweetheart," he said.

"Don't call me that either," she snapped. "Or I'll slap you with a sexual harassment lawsuit."

"Yeah? Bring it on, dollface!" snapped Joker. "I ain't scared of your lawsuits, toots! I'm a playboy billionaire, and I can treat women with as much disrespect as I like! That's part of the job of being a playboy billionaire! Jesus, some people try to suck all the fun outta being rich and powerful," he sighed, standing up and heading for the door. "They're just jealous, of course."