"Brought you some tea, Jervis – how's it coming?" asked Harley as she entered Tetch's study carrying a tray.
"Thank you very much, my dear – please put it across the room from me," said Tetch, not looking up from his microscope. "I don't want another accident like last time. And I'm hoping to have things fixed by midnight," he said, glancing at the clock. "If all goes to plan, of course."
"Good, 'cause I'm really sick of Brucie," sighed Harley. "I mean, puddin' has his bad moods, but there hasn't been a smile on his face all day, and it's so wrong not seeing a smile on Mr. J's face. What does a playboy billionaire have to be unhappy about anyway?"
"At this point in time, probably the fact that he's trapped in the Joker's body," said Tetch.
"Could be worse," said Harley, shrugging. "Anyway, you're gonna fix it – I know you will."
"I thank you for your confidence in me, my dear, but perhaps Mr. Wayne is possessed of no such confidence," replied Tetch. "He did fire me from his employ, after all."
"Yeah, I would've sued him if I were you," said Harley, nodding. "You can't fire a guy just because the law suddenly decides he's sick in the head. We got laws to prevent that. Can't follow the law by breaking another law – that don't make any sense."
"I really don't think he had much of a choice after the attempted kidnapping," replied Tetch. "It would have reflected badly on Wayne Enterprises. I actually don't bear him a grudge for it – in fact, I'm very grateful to him for introducing me to my Alice by employing both of us. But then it would have been impossible not to hire the dear, sweet child after having met her. She eases effortless kindness and charm from every part of her being…"
"You're such a cutie, Jervis," said Harley, smiling at him. "But try not to distract yourself by thinking about her right now and find a way to fix this mess instead, huh?"
"Yes, quite right, Harley," agreed Tetch.
"Good luck," she said, kissing his cheek and then heading back out into the living room. Bruce sat in Joker's body, glaring down at a book while the Joker in Bruce's body was handcuffed to the table, glaring across at his own body. His scowl transferred to Harley as she re-entered the room.
"Aw, don't look at me like that, Mr. J – you know we didn't really have sex!" she snapped. "I was just saying and doing all that to rile you, so you'd attack us and we could knock you out and take you here."
"I don't believe you," growled Joker.
Harley sighed. "Bruce, what kinda noises do I make in bed?" she asked, turning to him.
"I don't know," retorted Bruce.
"What's my favorite sex position?"
"I don't know!" snapped Bruce.
"What do I have carved over my left breast?"
"I don't know!" shouted Bruce.
"Now either he's blind as Batsy, or we didn't have sex!" snapped Harley.
"Or he's lying," retorted Joker. "Because he's hoping that if he does, I won't ritually disembowel him when I get my body back. But he's wrong."
Harley sighed. "Fine, I'll go get the tape," she muttered.
"Tape?" repeated Bruce.
"Mr. J's kinda been into filming our playtime lately, for our own private use," said Harley. "I started the camera when I woke up and went to get the whoopie cushion. He can watch it and see nothing funny went on. Back in a second," she said, heading out of the apartment.
Bruce glared at Joker. "What?" he demanded. "You've never made a sex tape? I find that hard to believe – all celebrities have, and they always get leaked! You'd think you people would learn!"
"You're a sick and disturbed individual," muttered Bruce, glancing back down at the book.
"And so were you today!" chuckled Joker. "By the way, you might want to call Selina Kyle once you get your body back – she sounded pretty steamed after the phone call earlier."
"I don't even want to know what you said to her, do I?" asked Bruce.
Joker shrugged. "She wanted some dirty talk, so I obliged."
"Oh God," muttered Bruce. "And you didn't hurt Adrienne this morning, did you?" he demanded.
"Nope, didn't even have sex with your girl when I woke up naked next to her," snapped Joker. "I guess we know who the really sick and disturbed individual is here, huh?"
Bruce ignored him. "But I may have told her not to call me again," said Joker, slowly. "I mean, she wasn't very hot, Brucie, you gotta admit – killing her probably would have been doing you a favor! One less unattractive dame bothering you!"
"I suppose I should be grateful you decided that wouldn't be funny, then," snapped Bruce. "Just what exactly did you do today that I'm going to have to fix? I know my secretary's launching some sort of sexual harassment lawsuit…"
"You should fire her," said Joker, nodding. "Got all uppity just because I called her sweetheart. She needs to know her place, and the place for the secretary of a playboy billionaire is on his desk, or under it, not on her high horse…"
"Oh God, you didn't try to have sex with her, did you?" demanded Bruce.
"No, I told you, I'm less of a disgusting individual than you!" retorted Joker. "I don't spend my days jumping random women I encounter! I make the most of my time by making executive decisions and negotiating business deals!"
"Luthor…what did you tell Luthor?" demanded Bruce. "About the nuclear weapons?"
"Told him I was in," said Joker, nodding. "And then I signed the contract Bugs Bunny. Joke's on him!" he chuckled.
"Well, that's a relief," sighed Bruce. "Sounds like you didn't screw up my life too terribly today."
Joker giggled. "Well, I certainly did my best! As did you, apparently, by sleeping with my girlfriend," he snapped, his face falling in irritation.
"For the last time, Harley and me did not have sex!" shouted Bruce. "I saw her naked, but that was it!"
Crane entered the room. "Would anyone like tea? I can probably guess the answer but just thought I'd offer while the water is hot."
"Actually, I'll have a cup," said Bruce, putting down the book. "Might help with the stress."
"Of course, Mr. Wayne," said Crane, pouring a cup for him. He handed it to him, and then knocked it over, causing the hot tea to spill onto Bruce's lap.
"I'm so terribly sorry, Mr. Wayne," he said, insincerely, as Bruce roared in pain.
"Hey, don't damage the goods, Craney!" snapped Joker. "I'll need 'em when I get my body back!"
"It was a complete accident, I assure you," said Crane.
"What, like tripping me earlier?" demanded Bruce.
"I've been most clumsy today – you must forgive me my temporary dyspraxia," said Crane, completely deadpan. "It's not something I can control."
"Got the tape," said Harley, re-entering the room carrying a videotape. "You got a player around here somewhere, Johnny? I need to show Mr. J that nothing funny went on between me and Brucie this morning. I mean, I am naked in it and all, but that's because I thought he was Mr. J, but now he can see how effectively he stopped me from bothering him and how nothing actually happened."
"Tape…of you…naked…yes, yes, I'm sure we have something to play that," stammered Crane, taking it from her and heading over to the TV.
"Thanks. And if you two could beat it – I kinda wanna see it alone with Mr. J," said Harley. "It's still our private tape, y'know."
"Yes, of course, my dear," said Crane. "Come along, Mr. Wayne."
"It's not like I haven't already seen it…" began Bruce.
"And that doesn't mean you get to treat yourself to a second glance, does it?" snapped Crane. "Now come along, Mr. Wayne! Honestly, just because the women you're used to dealing with have no shame it does not mean the same is true for Harley! She's the most honorable, virtuous, sacred, beautiful woman and she deserves respect!"
"You didn't see her climbing all over me this morning…ow!" shouted Bruce, as Crane slammed the door on his hand on the way out.
"I said don't damage the goods!" shouted Joker after them. He turned his attention to the tape, his glare gradually softening. "Gee, that was kinda a Batman move," he commented, as Bruce shot up and subdued Harley.
"Yeah, I thought so too," agreed Harley. "So do I get an apology or not?" she demanded, turning the tape off.
"You're the one who lied – you should be apologizing to me!" he snapped.
"Mr. J, how else was I gonna get you to come home?" she demanded. "You'd never leave your joke willingly!"
"No," agreed Joker. "It was too good a gag to stop before I'd delivered the punchline."
"Which was?" asked Harley.
"I'm getting Wayne Enterprises to build a giant, solid gold Joker statue," he said.
"Yeah, that is a fun gag," agreed Harley. "But not worth all the crap I've been through today with Bruce. I don't want him in your body for a moment longer than necessary, even for a joke like that. Anyway, if you just kept me satisfied regularly, you wouldn't have to worry irrationally about me having sex with other guys when they steal your body! It's a good lesson for you!"
"It ain't an irrational worry!" snapped Joker.
"Of course it is!" she snapped. "You think I'm crazy? Why would I ever want anyone else in your body?! I love you, Mr. J! All of you! Not just physically, but everything about you! Just like how I hope you love me! I mean, if you woke up to find Selina Kyle in my body, you wouldn't just shrug and accept it, would you?"
Joker said nothing. "Mr. J?" prompted Harley.
"Hang on, I'm just fantasizing about that," murmured Joker.
"Mr. J!" shouted Harley, slapping him.
"Hey, it was just a joke!" he snapped. "And to be honest, I think I'd rather have you in Selina's body – she's got more in the boob department…"
"That's it – I'm leaving, you jerk," snapped Harley, standing up. "Stay in Bruce's body forever, for all I care, you ungrateful creep!"
"Harley, wait," he said, grabbing her arm. "It's just a joke!"
"I can't tell when you're joking in that body," snapped Harley. "Brucie ain't got a face for comedy – you can't tell if he's serious or not."
"You say you love me for me, and then you don't even know me," retorted Joker. "I'm never serious, whether I'm in my body or not! You think I'm crazy? Selina ain't my type of gal – she don't find violence a turn on. At least, not our kinda violence. And of course I wouldn't want you in her body. You know me – Daddy likes his blondes," he murmured, stroking her hair back.
"She could dye her hair," retorted Harley. "I do."
"He likes his big, blue-eyed baby too," he murmured. "And her pretty little gymnast figure. And her sweet, little, fun-size boobs, and her fantastic ass…"
"This would be real hot, Mr. J, but you're still in Bruce's body," retorted Harley. "So that's kinda a mood killer."
"Yeah," sighed Joker. "God knows why this guy's so popular with the ladies. He's smaller than me, did you know that?"
"Well, it would be hard to be bigger than you, Mr. J," giggled Harley.
Joker giggled too. "Any idea how Tetchy's coming on fixing this?" he asked. "Cause I kinda really want my body back now, to give my Harley girl a nice, hard revving."
"I'll go see," said Harley, standing up and heading into Tetch's study. "How's it going, Jervis?"
"If you could have Mr. Wayne and the Joker assemble in this room now, please, I would be most grateful," said Tetch. "I would like to observe the process of the transference of consciousness, which I suspect is only a few minutes away, judging by the reaction of the matter."
"Great," said Harley. "I'll go get 'em."
She, Joker, Bruce, and Crane all joined Tetch in his study. "Stand over there, please," said Tetch, gesturing to Bruce and Joker as he took out a notebook. "And please inform me of your feelings during the process, for posterity. This is, as far as I know, an unprecedented occurrence, and the scientific community will thank you for your cooperation…"
"The scientific community can bite me," interrupted Joker. "I ain't helping a buncha nerds just because another nerd made a mistake and got my body switched with somebody else!"
"Anybody who knows anything about science knows that it is through mistakes that progress so often occurs," retorted Tetch.
"Aw, you shouldn't call yourself and Craney mistakes!" chuckled Joker. "I'm sure your parents really wanted you both!"
Tetch sighed, glancing at the matter, which was wildly fluctuating. "Transference in three…two…one…" he said.
The whole room vibrated, there was a loud popping sound…and then everything was still as the clock chimed midnight.
"How are we feeling, Joker? Mr. Wayne?" asked Tetch.
"Fine," they both said at the same time, and then looked at each other.
"Are you back being you?" asked Joker of Bruce.
He nodded, feeling relief wash over him as he felt his usual body around him once more.
"Which must mean I'm back being me!" chuckled Joker, beaming as he moved his arms. He suddenly reached down and glanced into his pants. "Yep, I am!" he giggled. "Gosh, I missed the Big J!"
"So did I, puddin'," purred Harley, cuddling against him. "But now that you're back to being you, we can have all kindsa fun together!"
Joker chuckled, lifting her up in his arms. "Well, see you nerds later!" he said. "I got a Harley to ride!"
"But Joker, you haven't told me how the process felt, and I wanted to get a blood sample…" began Tetch, but they had already left the apartment, slamming the door shut behind them.
Tetch sighed. "Mr. Wayne, would you be willing to tell me how the process felt, and allow me to get a blood sample?"
"It didn't feel like anything," retorted Bruce. "No effect I can describe anyway. And I'd rather you didn't take a blood sample. It's one of those incidents I'd prefer to forget ever happened – I suggest you do the same."
He didn't explain that this was because he didn't want Tetch making the connection between Bruce Wayne's blood and Batman's blood, should the opportunity ever arise to compare them. But he didn't want to take any chances.
He headed for the door to the apartment, and then paused. "Oh, look, Joker and Harley forgot their tape of Harley naked," he said, casually, taking it out of the player and looking at Crane. Then he snapped it in multiple places, throwing the broken pieces on the ground. "Good evening to you both," he said, striding out the front door.
"I don't like him," growled Crane.
"Well, they were both tremendously unhelpful," sighed Tetch, putting away the notebook. "Honestly, you'd think when people are on the forefront of scientific discovery that they would be a little excited about it, and willing to share their good fortune."
"I'm not sure either of them would have described what happened today as good fortune," said Crane.
"It's an exciting discovery, you must admit," said Tetch. "The transference of human consciousness between bodies – it likely holds the secret to immortality."
"If one can figure out how to harness it, of course," said Crane.
"Well, quite," agreed Tetch. "And they wouldn't even help me do that. Some people are so selfish, Jonathan," he sighed, heading back to his study.
"Yes, they are," muttered Crane, grabbing a dustpan and broom to clean up the broken pieces of the tape and mentally making a note to have Wayne Enterprises as the target of his next fear gas attack.